What makes people attractive and others not?

[Beanscene]

Am talking about average looking people here not stunning models. I always hear women complaining about unwanted attention sexually and people who have affairs and have to choose between affair partners and OH. People who have admirers at work etc etc....it seems like your average person gets a lot of sexual attention etc etc. Just to be clear here am not looking as am married (and now old🤣)....but have literally never ever had any attention in my life especially the kind of attention other women talk about. No one has ever given me their number, asked me out, complimented me....wolf whistled etc etc.....i know this is unwanted attention. but I hear about it so often I wonder why I've never received it. I would say am short, thin, not curvy (which prob has a lot to do with it) but facially am not Quasimodo. And have never ever apart from DH had a whiff of attention.

I recall reading a medical article about human pheromones. It said that if a women met a partner whilst using hormonal contraception, it was less likely to last. No idea how true it is, or if it was due to her sense of smell being affected or her pheromones smelling different from the hormones and attracting the wrong types?

I used to attend partner type dance lesson like ballroom. There was 1 guy I was not physically attracted to at all, but he smelt attractive and I weirdly liked the smell. I know this sounds revolting, but it wasn't a sweat smell nor after shave, just a manly scent. Maybe he had super pheromones- who knows. I've been happily married to someone else for 20+yrs though who I couldn't 'smell'!

Most men I know think dyed hair is awful 🤷‍♀️

Wallis - she had old fashioned American charm, sassy, knew how to flirt,
hospitable, a good hostess (I’m not suggesting she cooked)
She wasn’t a woman’s woman at all but clearly she knew how to captivate men.

Every single women I know fairly well of varying looks and sizes and shapes has had a fair bit of attention, at least in their 20s.

Maybe you give off a standoffish vibe - which isn’t a bad thing at all btw. I’d have swapped all that attention for finding my “one” when I was in my mid 20s.

I’m dark haired & short. Many of the most popular women in various workplaces and social circles I’ve been have been dark haired and short - and got much more attention than both me or the tall blondes!

And a lot of men don’t even like tall women because they either are not that tall themselves or they are tall and like to tower above their “petite” girlfriend.

Confidence is very, very attractive. But confidence, not arrogance, smugness or self-satisfaction. There is a big difference. People who feel sexy and attractive often are sexy and attractive.

Self-reliance, detachment, not needing anyone, etc…that’s very sexy (think of Clint Eastwood in the spaghetti westerns).

Individuality/being your own person/not following the crowd. Having a strong, distinctive personality, and not needing anyone else to tell you what to think or do.

Yy to that first point especially.

If your face doesn't fit in certain groups or even towns, you're not going to get that much attention.

The long term data shows I am objectively reasonably attractive (Ok, menopause calls, so let's see what happens then ;-)).

I'm still vain but I think I've had enough attention overall and happy for the youngsters to have it!

However, I have had periods of my life where if I took the evidence of the people around me, I was a total goblin (worthy of only creepy odd blokes harassing me on the street).

Some social groups have a fairly rigid hierarchy so anyone labelled an outsider (single female, single male, foreign, non-white) is edged out.

Even if someone would find them interesting and attractive 1-1, the social dynamic means they can't say this.

So the new person thinks there's something wrong with them, but they're just in the wrong group.

Or the people there are socially awkward or unfriendly for other reasons (let alone an environment in which people can get to know one another and express positive vibes).

It can be like night and day going between groups.

@DracunculusVulgaris maybe that's something to think about.

Are you actually socialising and trying new social networks, rather than accepting your experience? It is hard meeting new people physically for women and men.

Everyone says it's best to find a regular activity you enjoy with a bit of chat (say a pub quiz or book club) and just keep turning up (once you know it's friendly).

Be nice and enjoy yourself but don't have massive expectations or feel rejected if you don't meet your new best friends.

I find certain groups are better than others.

If you're very thoughtful and want to share your ideas, perhaps you could start a blog or a Substack or an IG? Put yourself out there with who you are and others will turn up.

looking At my children I will tell you what I have observed over time

this is them not how I think others should be but what I see draws people to them

they have gentle and open expressions
they laugh easily and put people at ease
they can fit into most social situations (nothing high high table)
they are knowledgeable about general things and able to hold a conversation or steer it to something they can manage
they are extremely polite and respectful
they don’t one up people
they look healthy without hair dyes/fake tans/eyelashes etc
their style is not over the top/label/try hard
they have a caring philosophy about the environment/people/animals/the future
they have an ability to get all about future plans without being overwhelmed
they are not moody/resentful

they are all teenagers, have gone/are at state school

i feel like I could take them anywhere and people are charmed by them

people just enjoy their company

when I knew my marriage was unsustainable, still sleeping in the same large bed, my husband would sleep naked -this suddenly repulsed me as I couldn’t bear the smell of his skin.
Our diet hadn‘t changed, he didn’t drink, was still bathing.

My counsellor lady said this is an olfactory adjustment so that I wouldn’t
want to be intimate with him, my body protecting itself
A good few years later I was with a man who smelt of warm hay and
Johnsons baby shampoo - by the time it was over 5 years later I couldn’t
smell him at all.
Where did you say these ballroomlessons where ?

Sorry but I completely disagree with this. I have a friend who is 5ft nothing but very pretty and has always attracted loads of men. Most men don’t really care about height. And in my experience men love brunettes. What a ridiculous statement

@Herdit then your children are a credit to you

I think IT's confidence and a nice personality that makes someone attractive.
Physical appearance does nothing for me 🤷‍♀️

I always find men who are confident and make me laugh the most attractive. They don’t have to be good looking.

I love this. My kids aren't teens yet but they are kind hearted and polite.
I hope I can say all these things about them in the future.

I thought of something else - this is well documented - Marilyn, walking along the street with her friend, from classes I think, unnoticed, says, Watch this! - whips of her headscarf, and turns it on - she is suddenly noticed, Sass, Confidence, Allure.
Of course she had a head start on everyone else I know that, but still…

@Beanscene are you me? Whenever some wise soul tells me I’ve reached the age of invisibility to men, my reply is that I was always invisible. I think menopause brought me into contact with the ‘road not travelled’ of dating, compliments, flirting etc. I did get hostile/negative feedback from men when I was much younger. Confidence or none never made much difference. Nowadays what feels quite sad as well as liberating is that I no longer care; what was painful was the period of time when I sensed the door closing on that part of life and feeling torn between trying for one last glimpse at what might have been or feeling sad I’d soon not miss it. Maybe you’re working through that stage? What’s good is just pleasing myself in terms of clothing choices, attitude and way of being. I can look at a man and think ‘I’d have found you attractive once and then I’d have been miserable. Now I can notice the attractiveness in the same way I’d notice a lovely picture - look and walk on’

Most men don’t even realise whether hair is dyed or not

What’s that mean ?

Someone who is genuinely happy in themselves and sees the light & humour in things gives out attractive energy

Most men I know would have no idea if women had dyed hair. 😂

Howbizarre22

Most men don’t even realise whether hair is dyed or not”

Er, they do, much like women.

With the exception of expensive, salon dyes it’s obvious at about 100 paces. My husband persuaded me years ago to forego the dyes and embrace my lovely natural colour and looking back over the photos, he was right. My daughter is going through the same process atm. Beautiful natural colour, which she’s only just realising. she’s had light, dark, blue, green, pink, red.

Natural is best because it suits skin tone.

there is a short interview on YT with Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward,
on being asked the secret to the longevity of their marriage - Joanne says

• I know he is good looking and sexy and all that,
• but if you want a happy marriage to last,make them laugh!
• he is looking at her adoringly, sure in the knowledge
• that he can indeed make her laugh, his marriage is safe

this bearing out what you said ^

as even one of the world’s most beautiful men still had to make an effort!

• everyone has a target group and has admirers.

Agree with this. I'm not conventionally attractive but I know and like my people, which makes them attractive to me and vice versa. I'm married now so not looking but still like to make people feel attractive and like a harmless flirt, boosts confidence all round. I think if you're self-conscious and think no one likes you it can be a self-fulfilling thing as you're needing someone to really go out of their way to like you. Whereas if you're putting yourself out there and focusing on others, it's appealing.

A sense of confidence. A sense of humour. A twinkle in the eyes. The ability to make good conversation.

I had a stunning neighbour. Gorgeous looking, great hair figure which attracted attention a lot. Always beautifully made up.
I knocked on her door one day and she came down after a shower, towel around her hair no make up on. I literally took 2 steps backward in shock, she laughed and said something about she was nothing without her make up..and she was right- her face was a blank canvas but boy did she know how to paint it. Pretty sure there are a lot of women like this she make an effort some don't.