What makes people attractive and others not?

[Beanscene]

Am talking about average looking people here not stunning models. I always hear women complaining about unwanted attention sexually and people who have affairs and have to choose between affair partners and OH. People who have admirers at work etc etc....it seems like your average person gets a lot of sexual attention etc etc. Just to be clear here am not looking as am married (and now old🤣)....but have literally never ever had any attention in my life especially the kind of attention other women talk about. No one has ever given me their number, asked me out, complimented me....wolf whistled etc etc.....i know this is unwanted attention. but I hear about it so often I wonder why I've never received it. I would say am short, thin, not curvy (which prob has a lot to do with it) but facially am not Quasimodo. And have never ever apart from DH had a whiff of attention.

OP, if you are average looking, I can pretty much guarantee that if you wore form fitting clothes in colours thst suited you, got your hair done one or more of long/curly/shiny/swishy and a strong colour, and sasahyed down the street with confidence, making eye contact, you would get attention. I'd bet my house on it.

A cheeky grin, confidence and great sense of humour make any man loads more attractive in my eyes😁

Strongly agree with this.

Some people are facially stunning but it's the little presentation details that make the difference.

I had a social buddy when younger who frequently would socialise in a brightly coloured puffer and blue jeans. Nothing wrong with that! She looked cool and smart. But not very co-ordinated or flattering to the male gaze.

I would wear fitted jeans, dark colours, knee length boots. Not expensive, but I did take a lot of time to get the cut and the fit right.

She commented sometimes on how I was some sort of man-magnet (really not).

She had much better facial bone structure, heavier than me

One night, I went out in a brightly coloured puffer and jeans, like she usually did.

She had MY usual look on. (This wasn't planned). Dark fitted outfit, just a black top and jeans.

Guess where all the casual male attention went that night? ;-)

The other thing was she was a nice person but could be a bit "difficult" or shy with people when first meeting them.

She didn't really shake hands or make eye contact or really know how to make small talk or ask little questions.

You don't need to make sparkling tinkly conversation or be alpha female, but again, guys aren't going to pay attention to someone who just stands there staring away from them and expect them to "chat them up".

I'd say in general more attention when I have...

• Quite a minimal, natural look -
• Reasonably figure flattering and classic
• Not too many colours or prints.
• Basic...as in not too fashion forward or cutesy or quirky
• Just keeping things simple socially, being polite but not trying too hard

Men don't care about

• Nails
• Elaborate make up or eyebrows
• Brand names - a sleek black fitted dress from eBay will look better than a printed £466 dress

Obviously like most women I don't necessarily care if I get male attention in certain environments, and often unwanted.

But I do think it's controllable to a larger extent.

I have some late work sessions sometimes and I have "baggy baggy" clothes to come home in to have no hassle.

I hadn't washed my baggy trousers, so had to put on leggings ... Instantly we have a taxi driver want to give me a free lift.

Female leg shape visible = Hot

We are all fickle biological creatures!

I had a friend at uni. She was on the more attractive side to be sure, a little overweight maybe but it suited her.
When she walked into a room and smiled it was like a ray of sunshine. She was friendly and open and people flocked to her. We were best friends at uni and it was lovely.
Now maybe she was on the more extreme end. But my son is also smiley and gregarious and popular. He will talk to anyone. He accepts people as they are, and is happy to talk to any age, any 'character'.
There are just some people who seem to have a natural charm and charisma.

I think being “mumsnet conventionally attractive” gets it started but it’s je ne sais quoi that keeps it going and extends it into advanced years.

Ask your husband? You can change the dynamic in your marriage any time you like

As far as being letched after, you probably just don’t go places were a bunch of creeps hang out. It’s not a joy to be groped or wolfwhistled.

Good point!

I recall reading a contemporary description of Cleopatra. It says she had a shrewish face with pointy nose, beady eyes, and not much of a figure. But, it says, she radiated a lively intelligence, was always animated, quick-witted with a great sense of humour, and she smelled nice.

She was also the richest person in the world. I'm sure that helped!

Ah OP, I feel as though I could have written your post! I am 60 now and have never, as far as I am aware, attracted any attention. I am naturally a very quiet, reserved and private personality, autistic too, and struggle hugely with social interactions, lack of confidence and hubris and, therefore, probably come across as aloof and 'prickly'! It becomes a catch 22 situation - feeling undesirable or unattractive saps one's self confidence, thhe lack of confidence becomes an unattractive trait in its own right and so the cycle continues!
I am well aware that I am no Adonis ( male, by the way, so hope I am not being intrusive), but am gentle, patient, educated, intelligent, have a lively, enquiring mind and CAN be very articulate when talking about subjects in which I have knowledge and an interest and the audience to whom I am talking don't immediately switch off with boredom.
However, the lack of confidence, charisma and my natural reserve mean that I am never in demand as a friend or companion and sometimes (well, much of the time actually), it hurts, it really, really hurts...
I would love nothing more than to feel that some people might enjoy my company or wish to get to know me better.

The rumour was Wallis Simpson was great in bed

I have a friend who gets lots but the difference is she goes looking for it. Her goal is to get attention so she works the room. She has always done that. She is 50 this year and married but has always craved male attention.

Most people are attractive to someone, if you look around the city I live in, then all kinds of people have found other people and presumably, they met through at least some type of attraction, so it can't just be the case that only attractive people attract people if you see what I mean!

I can turn it on or off, and dress to appeal or not, so to some extent it's intrinsic, to some extent you can learn it or at least lean into that mode of being. Some very naturally charismatic or beautiful people may just attract people anyway, but I think they are in the minority.

In fairness, I think there's a lot of men who don't attract sexual attention. When discussing the issue of invisibility of older women, I remember a man saying that unless they're exceptionally good looking, all men are pretty much invisible their whole lives (in the sexual attraction sense of the word) and I did think there was some truth in that. I think women are less likely to gaze, check out, stare, notice even, men than men are women, and less likely to take the lead in demonstrating their attraction. So even if you had been found attractive you're not likely to have a woman saying 'hello gorgeous' to you in the street.

Women definitely check out men, its just that we do it very discretely, so it's unlikely that many people will notice.

If I meet a man either at work or socially, I'll notice his height and build first, then his hair, his face and finally his hands. Nice eyes and hands go a long way in terms of attraction. Intelligence and humour help too.

@5128gap, you are probably quite correct, although I am thinking more in terms of general friendships and relationships, rather than sexual or romantic attraction and, yes, I do often feel invisible in comparison to others!

If you’re vaguely attractive but charming, attention follows you!

I’m a size 20 but with a ‘pretty face’ and have been told by a lot of people that I’m a charmer. It comes from working in customer service as a teen and flattering the elderly customers! It’s just kind of stuck, and I tend to make the people around me feel good about themselves and that seems to attract people. I’m well aware that there are far more attractive, funny, intelligent people around me all the time but the way I make people feel seems to mean I get more attention.

It's because you're short. I'd also be willing to bet you don't have blond hair (sorry if I'm wrong). I think men often hit on women who catch their eye the fastest, tall-ish and light hair certainly does it.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
A few things here.

1. everyone has a target group and has admirers.
2. to be honest usually the people who brag about being chased are usually the most average looking and insecure. I have never heard or seen a really good looking woman/man bragging about being attractive to other people.
3. chances are you radiate indifference and that you don’t look for it. People pick up on it and don’t come onto you.

I think this is nonsense. I'm 5'2" and brunette.... always got plenty of attention.

Interestingly I had a lot more attention when I was depressed and vulnerable. It wasn’t great attention and led to some unhealthy relationships and sex. Now no one is the least bit interested about from my absolutely wonderful and gorgeous boyfriend (which of course is plenty).
I have also been fat and slim and am now at my chunkiest and it doesn’t seem to have made much difference except when I was much younger.
Lots of people used to ask me why I was single for so long and it was a combo of recovering from being damaged and just zero interest. I don’t know if I gave off a “fuck off” air or just found most men so uninteresting once I realised I only had to go out with people I actually liked it was clear they shouldn’t bother!

I have to disagree with you on 2 @Rania78
I know some very attractive people who like to talk about the number of admirers they have. Being good looking isn't a character type that comes with the absence of all conceit or need for validation.Those things are to do with your history, confidence, values and self esteem, not what you look like.

Clothes , hair and makeup. They send out signals

Same. I am very curvy with big boobs and get far more 'sexual attention' as the OP calls it, or sexual harassment as I'd call it, than much more attractive friends with more athletic builds. Gorgeous small boobed friends are not experiencing men saying nice tits to them as they walk to the tube, or being whistled at as they put the bins out.
I'm in my 40s, very overweight and very average looking but seems to get more than my fair share of 'sexual attention'. Sorry you've had the same @BananaLambo .

This

men especially love the attention

Good facial bone structure.

Pretty much all men like form fitting clothes, younger women, boobs and attractive dyed blonde or dark hair! But thats all superficial, the main thing is chemistry and that cant be manufactured.