Would you say my MIL is treating me like this because she doesn’t like me?

[Simplefoke]

I’ve just been away for the weekend with my partner, daughter, his parents and his brother and gf and 2 kids. I was apprehensive because I’m pretty sure his parents don’t like me.

Ive felt this because they don’t greet me if we go over, they have never offered me a drink or asked how I am or started a single conversation with me. When I talk I get one word answers. They were flat when we told them about the baby. They’ve offered no support when she came. They never asked how I was during the pregnancy. Offered no support when he moved in to time. They bought her a box of wet wipes for her first birthday and that was it. Everything we say like we buying some thing or going somewhere it’s met with you don’t need that or you don’t need to go there. They treat the other son’s family completely the opposite. When they go over for example she has bought them their favourite drinks. It can’t be me that just feeling that this isn’t right??

The weekend away was the worst experience of my life. The mum offered everyone a drink then got to me and put the drinks down. They don’t talk to me. Spent the entire time with the other son’s family. Me and my partner and DD couldn’t just stand around with them as we have a younger kid who needs different entertainment (we were at a theme park type place). Instead of splitting their time to spend some with us and with the toddler they spent it with the others 100%. I’ve never been away with them all and never been to this place before. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable and unwelcome in my life. I just left them to it and spent the time alone with my dd. Didn’t end up eating with them. Was just alone, it was so awful. They make constant digs and comments about my upbringing and my life before my partner. They have said before that my partner doesn’t know my situation because he came from a good family etc. I was in an abusive relationship previously for 12 years but I got out. They make constant comments like it was my fault and I’m just trouble basically.

What would you do in this situation??? I’m pretty sure I’m not just being awkward and making it up. I can just feel the dislike from them. Should I just cut all contact?

What did your partner do to support you? Did he tell them it's not OK and they're being rude? If not then he's part of the problem

Your title suggests it’s just MIL, but the nosy of your post suggests it’s your ILs in general, presumably including your partner’s brother’s family?

I can’t get that excited about PILs not liking someone, or making them drinks — I don’t think mine are that keen on me, though I’m quite fond of them. But what does your partner/DH say if they criticise you in his presence? Don’t you say anything? I’d stop going away with them, and be civil, but not expect anything to change. Theme parks are always awkward with children of different ages, and I can’t imagine you’d actually have wanted them to spend 50% of the time with you and your toddler, anyway?

This does sound a bit like that Woody Allen joke about two people complaining about a restaurant.

’This food is terrible!’
’Yes, and such small portions!’

@Shoxfordian I have posted before and someone asked the same. I find it so difficult because my partner is ND. He really struggles to spot signs and what to do. I have spoken to him and I think he’s spoken to them but it’s done nothing. He just removes me and takes me somewhere so I don’t have to sit and suffer. There is some dysfunction in the family. His brother is treated so much better and my partner is definitely people pleasing them. That’s what I think not a fact.

It sounds a lot like they don't approve of you, but equally that they have always been like this with your partner, and that his sibling is the golden child who can do no wrong.

Is there a big difference between you and your partner? Age? Social background? Do they think you should be married before moving in together or having a child?

I think this is a problem that is down to your partner, really. When they don't offer you a drink, does he carry on chatting while drinking his, or does he say "Dad - you forgot Simple there. She hasn't got a drink yet." or "Not sure I understand why you've brought up Simple's ex again in this converation - can you explain?" He needs to have your back and it sounds like he doesn't, which makes me wonder if this has always been his dynamic with his parents, where they pick holes in his life, and shower affection in his sibling.

If my husband’s parents (or indeed anyone) was treating me and our daughter like that, it would be HIM cutting contact.

Your partner should be absolutely sticking up for you and your joint child - what does he have to say about the situation?

How are they with him? How were they with him growing up? Sounds like the brother is the golden child and your partner was scapegoated - now they’ve extended that to you and your child. Still no excuse for him not to defend you though.

‘Good family?’ - well they’re not are they? As this isn’t how good families or good people behave. I wouldn’t have been able to refrain from telling them that - ‘oh you think this is how a good family treats people do you? How funny, you can keep it thanks, your granddaughter and I deserve better’.

Yes of course cut them off - don’t have anything more to do with such nasty, ignorant people and don’t let your daughter grow up being treated as ‘lesser’ than her cousin, or see her mum being treated as lesser either.

What would you say to her if it was her being treated like this in the future?

Tell your partner you will be having nothing further to do with them, what he does is up to him but you expect him to support you in your decision. Let him know how disappointing it is that he hasn’t spoken up for his own partner and child and has allowed them to be treated so unkindly.

@UneTasse that’s exactly how it feels, like they don’t approve and just can’t hide it. I’m 7 years older. I’ve been through a lot, he has lived I suppose a more cosy life. But he came after me, I was open about everything and he still wasn’t put off. They definitely think I’ve muddied the family. Although I’m a nice person who made a mistake meeting an abusive man when I was young. Nothing I do, no matter how nice I am I’m just not part of it.

If he isn’t picking up social cues that his parents are ignoring/being rude to you, could you agree on a way of letting him know so he can then challenge his parents. Or you could just say ‘do you mean to be so rude’ to them

I would also be limiting my time with them, and your DD’s time with them if they are treating her differently to their other GC

It's up to your partner to challenge his parents and have some strong words with them. I was pretty much in the same situation, OP. An 'older woman' out of an abusive relationship. Hurtful things were said to me. After some years of this my DP eventually had a row with them about it and didn't speak to them for around a year. Then they apologised (to him, not me!) but at least things were civil after that.

Honestly I wouldn't challenge them yourself because you will undoubtedly hear some 'home truths' which will be very upsetting and likely completely untrue. Your partner must tackle this one. In the mean time tell him exactly how you are being made to feel and that you won't be having any more contact with them.

I wouldn't mix with people like that. I wouldn't want my children to either. If my partner wanted to keep in contact with his parents and that would be fine but I certainly wouldn't be going anywhere any of them.

You've done really well to come out of a very difficult situation that wasn't your fault at all. Congratulations on that.

@CrunchyCarrot that’s the point I’m learning. No matter how nice I am, how much I reach out or try and persuade them I’m nice, they don’t like me and that’s that. Apologising to my partner won’t make me a member of the inner family. I get the feeling I’m never going to be part of this. Which makes me sad as I never had it growing up either. It’s very hurtful. These people are really not very nice to behave like this. I never could.

I think that you've discovered that your IL's situation is a golden child vs scapegoat child and you are the partner of the scapegoat child. There is no winning them over in this situational dynamic - absolutely none.
You need to read two Susan Forward books Toxic Parents and Toxic In laws and these will open your eyes to what's going on and the likely awful childhood that your DP has suffered. What you are seeing happening to you he has probably suffered throughout his childhood but you have now replaced him as the lowest person in the pecking order.
You can not 'win' them over. They will not suddenly 'see' your value or that of your DP. What stretches before you is years of being slighted - that's you, DP and your children - literally years of seeing your children getting 'less' and being treated as inconsequential oddments in their family dynamic.

Have a chat with your DP. Does he want to continue this charade of 'family' with your IL's? Do you want to continue seeing your DP & DC slighted and ignored in favour of the golden child and their family?

@determinedtomakethiswork no I really don’t want to. I have an older child. Considering everything she is doing well at school. She is a little “naughty” though sometimes and she is stubborn lol. The other DILs children are both super behaved and “a credit to the mum”. The daughter in law made a comment that if you want well behaved children like hers then all you have to do is love your children enough like she has. All these naughty children haven’t been raised properly. That was the start for me. I said she is fortunate, some children have ND or suffered trauma and need support. The judgment was horrendous. It just went on from their about how perfect they all are.

He's part of the problem then really

Tell him you're not seeing any of them again and why, protect yourself and your child from this nastiness

Bluntly, there’s your problem, OP. You’re trying to be ‘nice’ with the intention of persuading a family who don’t like you to include you as a ‘member of the inner family. All that’s doing, probably, is showing them that, however unpleasant they are, you’ll just keep accepting that, and this appears to be true in that, despite the fact that these don’t sound like nice people, you’re still desperate to be accepted by them — why?

And then you resent the situation because what you want isn’t happening, and you clearly hope that continuing to be ‘nice’ will somehow someday make something different happen.

Have you ever had any therapy? Because it strikes me that there’s a pattern — you say you weren’t part of a loving ‘inner family’ growing up, then were in an abusive relationship for twelve years, then you get together with someone who doesn’t seem very attuned to your needs, and who ranks ‘low’ in his family, whom you describe as ‘dysfunctional’.

@MothralovesGojira Ive always felt something off. My partner has a hoarding issue and real anxiety over it. I’ve always gently encouraged him. I’ve wondered why he has attachment issues over things. I think I can see why now. In conversations with the mum she has said that he has slept in a cardboard box when he was a baby and how they used to let him scream in a car seat when they needed to get stuff done….a whole day painting a house was one example. They keep making comments about why the baby needs so much and why we buying a bed for example when a box is ok…then they laugh. The son on the other hand has a massive house, new car,
designer clothes…he has to have the most and be the best and have the best stuff.

@Simplefoke
Sorry just read your last post. I would not be seeing these people again and I would be keeping my DC away too.
To the people suggesting that your DP has words with them - what exactly do you think is going to happen? OP has said he is ND. All that will happen is victim shaming/blaming and more self justification of their behaviour that the OP isn't 'good enough' to be in the family. The DP will be advised that if he gets rid of his partner then all will be well or such.
This is an abusive family dynamic and you, OP, need to visit the Stately Homes threads in the relationship section and you'll see that this IL family is not a healthy one.

@DeadMabelle I really thought it was me and that because I’ve got this baggage I just needed to make more effort…I know I’m wrong. I’ve definitely people pleasing issues still even though I did have therapy and learned about this. After this weekend though I'm done. I hate conflict and all these horrible feelings it creates.

Get on with your own family and feeling proud of all you have achieved. Don’t waste thought on these nasty PIL. It’s their problem if they aren’t polite to you. Don’t go on holidays or reach out to contact them. Your bil and his partner can look forward to looking after them in old age. I bet they won’t want to do this - just a feeling but you will be free from care obligations to these nasty people.

@Simplefoke
A big hug to you and your DP. This is so, so horrible. What an awful childhood.
Yes, go to the stately homes thread - it will be in the relationship section somewhere. And get those two books by Susan Forward.
Would your partner be happy or relieved not seeing them again?

Never put yourself through that again. Your dp can see them alone. No law says you have to. They sound rude and ignorant.. Op you have lost nothing.

@MothralovesGojira he would be absolutely devastated. He is so ingrained in it all. It’s why I feel so awful because I don’t want to upset him as he’s so sweet.

It’s odd the more I think about it. They’ve never visited his old house, they don’t come here. He always has to go to theirs or they all go to the other brother’s house. They all never come to him. I feel so sorry he thinks this is all ok.

Their behaviour is so appalling I wondered if your post was a wind up. But taking you in good faith, OP, I think you should cut off all contact with these terrible people until you get a fulsome apology and promise to do better. You won't get that, of course, but at least you won't have these fuckers in your life.

@Beautifulbythebay Ive lost the idea of a close family and for our children to have a close family. It was all a pipe dream.

@Staniam I wish it was a joke. I spent minutes of my life crying in a toilet or the tent, I have never felt so awful. I keep wondering if it’s me and I’ve made it up to causes issues which is what they think.

They sound really awful, both in their behaviour to you and to your DH.
You don't have to put yourself through that again.
He is clearly used to being treated appallingly, and has normalised it, but again , he doesn't have to put up with it. It sounds like you will both be better off not meeting up with them again.
I wouldn't make a big drama out of going no contact, just don't arrange anything with them, don't invite them round, and if H feels he needs to see them occasionally, make sure he does it for a limited time somewhere he feels comfortable- like coffee in a café somewhere convenient for him. You don't have to go along.
I think both of you could benefit from some therapy. It sounds as if you've both been through quite a lot of trauma.