Would you say my MIL is treating me like this because she doesn’t like me?

[Simplefoke]

I’ve just been away for the weekend with my partner, daughter, his parents and his brother and gf and 2 kids. I was apprehensive because I’m pretty sure his parents don’t like me.

Ive felt this because they don’t greet me if we go over, they have never offered me a drink or asked how I am or started a single conversation with me. When I talk I get one word answers. They were flat when we told them about the baby. They’ve offered no support when she came. They never asked how I was during the pregnancy. Offered no support when he moved in to time. They bought her a box of wet wipes for her first birthday and that was it. Everything we say like we buying some thing or going somewhere it’s met with you don’t need that or you don’t need to go there. They treat the other son’s family completely the opposite. When they go over for example she has bought them their favourite drinks. It can’t be me that just feeling that this isn’t right??

The weekend away was the worst experience of my life. The mum offered everyone a drink then got to me and put the drinks down. They don’t talk to me. Spent the entire time with the other son’s family. Me and my partner and DD couldn’t just stand around with them as we have a younger kid who needs different entertainment (we were at a theme park type place). Instead of splitting their time to spend some with us and with the toddler they spent it with the others 100%. I’ve never been away with them all and never been to this place before. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable and unwelcome in my life. I just left them to it and spent the time alone with my dd. Didn’t end up eating with them. Was just alone, it was so awful. They make constant digs and comments about my upbringing and my life before my partner. They have said before that my partner doesn’t know my situation because he came from a good family etc. I was in an abusive relationship previously for 12 years but I got out. They make constant comments like it was my fault and I’m just trouble basically.

What would you do in this situation??? I’m pretty sure I’m not just being awkward and making it up. I can just feel the dislike from them. Should I just cut all contact?

He’s been several times since the weekend on his own. He’s needed to pick things up after work. What I meant was I don’t stop him taking her? To be honest I’m getting more and more irritated by the situation and the fact he can’t read it at all. She has started writing nice comments on my social media and I’m getting annoyed. I’m wondering if she’s either a) a really malicious piece of work or b) autistic with no actual idea how her behaviour has affected me. Given DP is autistic I’m wondering about her. I don’t know anymore I’m fed up trying to work out what’s happening.

What difference does it make why she behaves as she does, though? You appear to think that your DP’s autism makes it ok for him to ‘have a logical response to what goes on’, and not to notice or to understand how it makes you feel. If your MIL had an official diagnosis, would that make her behaviour equally ok to you, even if it remained unchanged?

I think a big problem is you’re hyper focused on her, how she is, what she says and does. I can understand.

She’s unpleasant to be around, unpleasant to think about. So stop.

Make a mind map - there must be a bunch of other important things you can focus your thoughts on. Instead of thinking about her and her issues all the time, start training yourself to eye roll and shake your head at her funny ways and be as low contact as possible. Fill up your time with nice things.

Something funny I heard on SM was “Impressing (insert name) isn’t exactly on my vision board”. Fill in her name and take on a new attitude.

You’ve got the wrong end of the stick about what it means to be autistic. Being autistic doesn’t automatically mean that someone doesn’t understand how their behaviour affects others. Lots of autistics are incredibly empathetic and have jobs that require high level people skills.

The MILs behaviour might be a trauma response and now your going NC she’s flipped and instead of making you endure the abuse she’s suffered she’s now in people pleasing mode

I was like this after my marriage also. It took me long time to stop my brain from trying to figure it out. It did come to a conclusion it was happy with in the end. I haven’t reached this point yet with her. I can’t help it, it just won’t seem to settle until it understands. I don’t just sit and dwell, I’m busy happily getting on with my dad and I’m not sad or unhappy just mulling.

I think she may be this toxic positive type of person where anything emotional is deemed bad and I’m an emotional person so I’m bad. Not saying I’m going to change as I’m happy with me.

An example I had my hair dyed and I really wasn’t sure about it. I said in front of them I wasn’t sure I like it and her response was don’t need to look on the mirror. That’s not possible and it doesn’t help with the fact I felt an emotion. Time with her is inauthentic as everything can only be positive. With friends it feels authentic and I can trust them because they are like me, have positive and negative experiences. I had a great day with a friend yesterday! 😊 we laughed about the last weekend which was nice.!

Sorry to resurrect the thread I’m just feeling sad really and not quite sure how to make it go away. I have stopped making the effort to go and visit as they never come to us. They have gone away now for 5-6 weeks and haven’t come to see their grandchild before they go who they haven’t seen in a couple of weeks now, despite living less than 10 mins away. They didn’t come to see my oldest daughter last week on her birthday either. I’m really sad for them, they are worth seeing they are brilliant.

I had a chat with my partner and he really hasn’t noticed any of what I’ve said. He has no feeling about them not coming to see his daughter or step daughter on her birthday. It’s like he is completely numb to anything. I know his is ND so I suspect this is just that. It does make me feel pretty alone with this feeling.

Honestly, @Simplefoke, I've said this before on the thread, but I think at least some of this is about your DH's inability to meet your emotional needs. You seem to be projecting some of your sadness around this onto your PILs.

You say again and again that he 'hasn't noticed' or has 'no feelings' about something you perceive as a slight, even when you've flagged it up to him. I wonder if part of the reason you seem to fixated on your sadness and incomprehension about your PILs' lack of engagement with you and your children is because it flags up the fact that your DH (who, as their child, should mind more than you do that they aren't that interested in him and his family) doesn't seem to notice. I can't help feeling that if you were better supported by him, you would mind far less about your PILs.

(I mean, my PILs are completely uninterested in me, but DH and I are very much on the same page about both his parents and my own, so it's never been problematic!)

@SabbaticalinMogadishu I suppose now I’ve had time to think I am a bit annoyed I don’t have his support. But then I understand he is unable being he is autistic to be able to understand how I feel. I don’t blame him even though I’d like a hug and support. He has offered to speak to them but I can’t see this helping really. They don’t like me for whatever reason. I’m not looking for a fix but some understanding that it does hurt me despite knowing I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve asked if it hurts him to be ignored like this and for his parents to ignore his daughter. He is confused because they were desperate to look after his brothers kids and we can’t get them to see his daughter. He can’t put 2 and 2 together. He just shrugs it off. Despite all the msgs on this thread and I fully understood the problem is them it still hurts a bit.

I’ve also made the referral at the gp to get myself some support in working out if I’m ND. I suspect I am and I’ve trauma about never fitting in places.

I don't think the problem is that. I also don't think the problem is you. I think the problem is your DH not being able to meet your emotional needs -- I don't think it matters that it's not because he's insensitive or uncaring, but because of his autism, or that you believe it's because of that (though I have friends married to autistic men who do in fact meet their emotional needs, even if its involves a bit more negotiation around the hows and wherefores).

I just think you would be far less fixated on being accepted or liked or validated by your PILs were you more 'seen' and your needs understood by your husband. I think the reason your PILs' lack of interest is a running sore for you is because you keep seeing it and minding terribly, and your DH keeps not seeing it, or, if he does, not minding at all. It's flagging up how emotionally far apart you are.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter why he can't meet your needs, it matters that they're not met.

I'd suggest marriage counselling.

Hmmm maybe. To be honest I don’t think of it like that. I feel awful for him for putting him in this situation. I’ve made him piggy in the middle. Or should I say his parents (his mum really) doing what she is doing. I’m tired of being in situations like this, I just want a calm drama free life. The fact I’ve now told him I won’t be attending anymore of his family diners or holidays but he’s free to makes me feel terrible on his behalf. I’m going to look like a trouble maker because he can’t see it and his parent’s will be saying it’s me not them, what’s he going to do. I fed up of being the bad person when I’m not.

He doesn't have to understand

He has to listen and accept this is what they do to you and you can't/won't put up with it

Who's more important to him - them or you?

Have you had/would you have counselling to understand all this better?

@Nanny0gg I don’t want to be responsible for that, I don’t want to make him choose, I’d rather run away. I think I carry this fear from my abusive marriage. He would throw it all back in my face and become violent if he felt he did something for me and I wasn’t appreciative. I don’t want him to choose based on what I’m telling him, I’d like him to see what they are doing, but he can’t/ they do it behind his back.

I’m so worried about being the issue, I don’t want to cause issues. But I also know it’s them doing the horrible behaviour.

If she ever shows any reluctance to go then stop.

It may be that they're kinder if it's just her and DH but if they're not (kids have a way of letting you know) then it just doesn't happen

It DOES'T MATTER!

What they say and do doesn't matter!
As long as your husband doesn't 'report back' don't give them headspace.
Horrible people have no place in your life or your head.

I suggest again, get counselling to help navigate all of this and to see them as they are.

I know it's nice to have extended family but some of us don't or didn't and all is fine.

We all have to make choices based on circumstances

You won't be making him do anything.

@Nanny0gg no I’ve said he’s absolutely fine to go without me but I’m not going to sit and feel rubbish and unwelcome. I feel awful he has to look at all the family photos of his brother family on holiday with his mum and dad he isn’t invited, because he chose to be with me. I’m worried he’ll come to resent me.

I think they know he’ll not stand up to them, they both still refer to him as “my boy” even though he’s 34 and a dad. He’s very non conflict and gentle. I think they pushing how crap they can treat me because they know they are getting away with it.

I know you don't think of it like that, but I'm suggesting you at least consider it as a possibility, because it seems quite clear to me that you're projecting onto his parents some of the issues within your marriage, and that the reason you're so obsessed with what you see as your PIL's rejection of you is because it highlights an emotional gulf between you and your DH.

You see rejection, mistreatment and casual malice in their behaviour, and he witnesses the same behaviour, or has his attention drawn to it by you, and says 'Meh, not a big deal' or 'I didn't see anything. It's like two people looking out the same window and seeing completely different things, and you feel lonely, because he can't or won't see what you see.

It's why you keep posting about it on here, looking for validation from a bunch of strangers on the internet that your PILs are really not nice people, or doing (if you'll forgive me) slightly mad things like producing the fact that your baby doesn't go willingly to her grandmother as 'evidence' that your MIL is not nice.

@SabbaticalinMogadishu I posted because I wasn’t sure if I was reading things right before I speak to my partner. I’m the only one experiencing it so it’s hard to determine, it’s very insidious. The consensus was that their behaviour isn’t nice and that’s what I thought. I’ve not really made the boundary and explained it to him before. I still feel sad about it because I’d love a family. It’s not me, I’ve been nothing but nice and polite to them, inviting them to all sorts and just receiving nothing but coldness in return. I’ve got to give him a chance now I’ve sat him down and told him my boundaries.

I’m his first long term relationship. I think before me they didn’t last a year. Everything changed with his parents when I got pregnant.

Well he’s has spoken to his mum and she denies doing anything and has no issue with me. I expected that to happen but actions speak louder so not much I can do just continue to enjoy my own life and let it be.