Would you say my MIL is treating me like this because she doesn’t like me?

[Simplefoke]

I’ve just been away for the weekend with my partner, daughter, his parents and his brother and gf and 2 kids. I was apprehensive because I’m pretty sure his parents don’t like me.

Ive felt this because they don’t greet me if we go over, they have never offered me a drink or asked how I am or started a single conversation with me. When I talk I get one word answers. They were flat when we told them about the baby. They’ve offered no support when she came. They never asked how I was during the pregnancy. Offered no support when he moved in to time. They bought her a box of wet wipes for her first birthday and that was it. Everything we say like we buying some thing or going somewhere it’s met with you don’t need that or you don’t need to go there. They treat the other son’s family completely the opposite. When they go over for example she has bought them their favourite drinks. It can’t be me that just feeling that this isn’t right??

The weekend away was the worst experience of my life. The mum offered everyone a drink then got to me and put the drinks down. They don’t talk to me. Spent the entire time with the other son’s family. Me and my partner and DD couldn’t just stand around with them as we have a younger kid who needs different entertainment (we were at a theme park type place). Instead of splitting their time to spend some with us and with the toddler they spent it with the others 100%. I’ve never been away with them all and never been to this place before. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable and unwelcome in my life. I just left them to it and spent the time alone with my dd. Didn’t end up eating with them. Was just alone, it was so awful. They make constant digs and comments about my upbringing and my life before my partner. They have said before that my partner doesn’t know my situation because he came from a good family etc. I was in an abusive relationship previously for 12 years but I got out. They make constant comments like it was my fault and I’m just trouble basically.

What would you do in this situation??? I’m pretty sure I’m not just being awkward and making it up. I can just feel the dislike from them. Should I just cut all contact?

Not that I'm saying any of their behaviour could possibly be justified' in any way. Just that I'm wondering if there's more to this that isn't being told. It seems extreme.

In any case, why are you staying with him, OP? Regardless of their reasoning for behaving how they do, you know that they make your life hell. WHY are you subjecting your DC to them and allowing them to witness their treatment of you? Or are you planning on stopping DC's contact with them once they reach a certain age? That might actually be harder and more upsetting to DC. Either way, you sure as hell cannot allow your kids to grow up, witnessing their GP (& step GP) abusing their DM!!!! That will mess them up beyond measure

Personally, I'd walk away. Your DH being ND is no excuse for not defending you! Ok so he can’t pick up on certain behaviours BUT you have told him (presumably) countless times how much they've upset you so his ND is completely irrelevant as he's been told after each time it's happened; and yet he's only had a 'little word' with them once....

YOU should be his priority, OP. Over & above his parents. You and the DC. He knows how upset you are as a direct result of his own family's actions and yet....crickets.....

@EnglishBluebell Ive wondered if I’m just perhaps mental and making it all up or over thinking it all. I thought that about my marriage as it’s just so insidious. But I can’t shake this.

Good luck, it will make you feel better once they are no longer a central part of your life.
You do seem intent on saying that your DH chased you, that you warned him off etc which seems a bit odd that you’d make a big point of including that because it sounds as if you are ashamed of your past, which you have no reason to be. I would find his total lack of understanding and obliviousness a bit hard, even if he doesn’t want to go no contact with them. Is he really incapable of seeing their behaviour to you?

This sounds so horrible @Simplefoke , I’m not surprised you’re upset.

I would start with removing yourself from as many interactions as possible, going low contact. I don’t see how you can heal yourself otherwise. You need to reduce your sensitivity to them but the way they behave means the only way to do that is to stay away from them. And that would include texting etc.

You don’t deserve to be treated this way 💐

@Feelsodrained I was deeply ashamed back then. Not so much now. Some people have said I should be proud I took my daughter away from that. It’s funny because I teach her to walk away from people who don’t make her feel good but I don’t take my own advice. It doesn’t help that people judge me. It’s hard to feed good when you’ve no internal barometer and externally people judge you.

I have been in a very similar situation OP. My mil was all smiles and breezy but was a complete cow to me. She arranged a weekend away to celebrate a milestone birthday for my husband. Looking back I’m convinced this was her opportunity to be as big a b1tch as possible to me. There were so many different things that happened that weekend that made it clear what she really thought of me. Roll forward a few years and things gradually got worse so I decided to cut my losses and stop seeing her. My husband has never been brave enough to stand up to her so I can’t trust him not to let her bad mouth me in front of the children. So if she wants to see them now it has to be in my home. Which of course she doesn’t do because she’s too gutless to face me now. My advice is not to waste anymore energy on these horrible people.

I told my partner I would go this time but if I’m made to feel unwelcome that would be it I won’t again. He knows I won’t be going again. I can tell he is sad, he withdrew form it all which left me feeling alone. He is trying to fix it by doing things to please me. I don’t need him to do this, it is what it is.

@Feelsodrained does the golden child know what’s going on? Only they didn’t seem to care either as they had all the attention. It feels like they joining in but then again they aren’t. I’m sure I’m the issue in their eyes.

@Simplefoke this isn’t you or your fault. It is them. Do not have any further contact. They are awful to your DP so they won’t behave any better with you until he sorts himself out. Fine if he wants to expose himself to more awful treatment by going there on his own, but you don’t need to. He can only decide for himself. You do you. Don’t visit or holiday or go out with them. Don’t invite them over, don’t take any notice. Don’t give them any more headspace. It wouldn’t matter who he was with because it is about him and them. If you do have any further contact call them out “oh, no drink for me? How rude” and so on. But don’t enable this sorry state of affairs - just keep out of it. Your strength may help your DP do the same.

They don’t particularly like their own son either.

If he is ND and doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents, then these meetings are going to be stressful for him. He isn’t going to do a good job of watching out for slights and navigating your relationship with them.

the two of you need to be a united team. Talk to one another about how the family gatherings are stressful. Develop a plan for getting through them together. Limit the number you attend.

it’s ok to only see his family on rare occasions. Going no contact can be a bigger deal than just letting the relationship drift. See them at Christmas. Show up to birthdays and graduations. Be busy on random Sundays as your family has a new hobby that doesn’t even have to be on the day they meet, just is making life busy.

I have lived through the same experience with my ex in-laws OP. Try and stop rationalising their irrational behaviour and cut them off mentally and emotionally. They are living in your head for free and they do not spend even one second of their day thinking about you. Play the long game, away from their dynamic. You will have your revenge! (evil laugh)

Hmmm. Ok. I asked how quickly you started trying for a kid, and you’ve declined to answer. Is this it, was it very quick?

@Lampslights happened after 2 years, sorry missed that part. Still don’t see why this matters. She is amazing and loved.

I think you both need counselling to come to terms with all this

They are awful, and it's going down the generations. They'll never change.

Accept they don't accept you ... and that's fine.

Maybe it's time to distance yourself - tell your husband that being around them is too difficult for you. You would welcome his support and backing, but if he doesn't feel able to be there for his chosen family, he will have to mix with his bio family without you, as you're done with their behaviours towards you.

This may upset him, but it seems he's incapable of changing, either.

That's the compromise - he visits them without inflicting them on you. There will be chuntering and disapproval from them, and that's the problem with distancing yourself. They'll be working on him when you're not there to defend yourself.

Christmas must show up the disparity even more

Ime golden children are often complicit in these situations. It’s actually far better to be a scapegoat than a golden child because you have a good excuse to distance yourself from the behaviour whereas the golden child is often trapped. Honestly be grateful you aren’t liked by them. They sound really overbearing. You have the freedom to do what you want. Your SIL is trapped in their weird dynamic with no escape.

ignore and don’t look back.

Or why they have never visited their son in the 4 years prior to me they never visited his place

I'm not sure why you think it's you that they don't like. It seems clear to me that it's their son that they have a problem with. They've clearly always treated him badly and given their adoration to the golden sibling. You're just collateral damage.

To be honest, while I feel for you @Simplefoke, I feel for him even more. These are his actual parents who are supposed to love him. But they clearly damaged him before he even met you, and they're continuing to do so. It's him that I want to tell to go NC with them.

@saraclara I agree. I asked why his parents weren’t around to support him when his child was born, (his own biological). He seemed oblivious.

I read your first post @Simplefoke and I thought my heart would break for you. They are treating you like shit and your partner, their son is doing absolutely diddly squat to put a stop to it.

If your DH doesn't stand up for you, then you'll have to do it for yourself.

Don't put up with it any more.

If they want to go away, you can either decide that you do want to go with them but do it under your terms and conditions - they are polite to you, they speak to you and involve you in conversations and they don't, repeat, don't treat you like something on the bottom of your shoe. Or you don't go. You cut them out of your life entirely.

If your DH wants to keep seeing them, they can do that without you being involved but they don't get to have any part in the lives of your children if that is the case. They don't get to drip poison in the ears of your child(ren).

The key question though is why has your DH not put a stop to how they treat you before now? Does your DH even see how they treat you?

What does the person (the MIL im pretty sure ) get out of doing this?

You can’t judge her through the eyes of a normal reasonable person. Maybe she doesn’t see you as good enough for her son (whom she also treats like shit) and she doesn’t like you. Maybe she doesn’t like that he has his own family and is less dependent on her. Who knows?

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what her precise thought process is and OP you will never get peace if you try to understand her or change your behaviour to try to get her to love you. If anything you’ll probably annoy her even more and her behaviour will be more vile because she can sense your desperation.

I doubt she is actively trying to hurt you OP. That doesn't mean the behaviour is ok, just that she probably isn't sitting plotting what she can do to make you sad today. To be frank I doubt she cares about you very much. That may make you sad, but it is actually liberating. If she cared about you then it might have been upsetting to pull away from her, but she doesn't care. Therefore, go for it!

@HalebiHabibti that is sad really. Sad for our children. It makes me feel bad for my partner that perhaps because he had chosen to be with me he has now lost the support from his parents (not that it seems he had much).