Would you say my MIL is treating me like this because she doesn’t like me?

[Simplefoke]

I’ve just been away for the weekend with my partner, daughter, his parents and his brother and gf and 2 kids. I was apprehensive because I’m pretty sure his parents don’t like me.

Ive felt this because they don’t greet me if we go over, they have never offered me a drink or asked how I am or started a single conversation with me. When I talk I get one word answers. They were flat when we told them about the baby. They’ve offered no support when she came. They never asked how I was during the pregnancy. Offered no support when he moved in to time. They bought her a box of wet wipes for her first birthday and that was it. Everything we say like we buying some thing or going somewhere it’s met with you don’t need that or you don’t need to go there. They treat the other son’s family completely the opposite. When they go over for example she has bought them their favourite drinks. It can’t be me that just feeling that this isn’t right??

The weekend away was the worst experience of my life. The mum offered everyone a drink then got to me and put the drinks down. They don’t talk to me. Spent the entire time with the other son’s family. Me and my partner and DD couldn’t just stand around with them as we have a younger kid who needs different entertainment (we were at a theme park type place). Instead of splitting their time to spend some with us and with the toddler they spent it with the others 100%. I’ve never been away with them all and never been to this place before. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable and unwelcome in my life. I just left them to it and spent the time alone with my dd. Didn’t end up eating with them. Was just alone, it was so awful. They make constant digs and comments about my upbringing and my life before my partner. They have said before that my partner doesn’t know my situation because he came from a good family etc. I was in an abusive relationship previously for 12 years but I got out. They make constant comments like it was my fault and I’m just trouble basically.

What would you do in this situation??? I’m pretty sure I’m not just being awkward and making it up. I can just feel the dislike from them. Should I just cut all contact?

OP, in general life it is usually worth taking a moment to say 'Am I the asshole', as Reddit says. I do it a lot, I am always trying to work out if I am the unreasonable one. But you know what, sometimes the answer is yes AND I am ok with it, because when I look clearly at the way the other person has treated me then I realise my behaviour is aligned with theirs (i.e. they were shit to me, so I deliberately withdrew my attention from them).

Your ILs clearly treat you unkindly. You are therefore permitted, if you need that wording, to retract your kindness and treat them with basic civility and nothing else.

I have asked myself if I’m being nasty or manipulative. I’m not I know that much. I want to feel part of something, I think I’ve tried and I don’t. Feelings are so complicated.

OK, well in that case you can withdraw from them with a clear conscience, because you have tried with them and not got anywhere. You'd also be modelling reasonable boundaries with your kids, rather than 'All the ILs snipe and bitch at Mummy and she just lets them'. You wouldn't want your DC to let themselves be treated like that, so show them how to not accept it.

I agree. So complicated for my brain, I wish I’d just been taught this stuff. I’m so tired up with being nice and reasonable. These people have made it clear from the beginning they are better than me, from a better family, made better choices….they are perfect. I’m going to have to become ok with being a little rough, as we all are if we humans.

I am not sure many people are formally taught to hold their boundaries tbf OP. Sometimes we're lucky enough to have people in our lives who model that behaviour, and other times we end up watching in horror and thinking "Well fuck that, I will be behaving differently" 😂 I certainly took the latter approach in being a parent (my mum was not well suited to the role, shall we say)....

@HalebiHabibti my mums dad was a drunk so she became a people pleaser and so did I it seems. My dad taught us to appease my mum and her moods because she had M.S and suffered depression…Thanks guys! I’ve just about had enough now and feel at some point I’ll explode!

OP, honestly, this is on you now.

I absolutely get that it's hard not having being taught this stuff -- I wasn't either.

But it means you need to learn it now.

And I get that you're sad you haven't found a welcoming family with your PILs.

But ultimately, you're responsible as an adult for how you deal with what life throws at you, however difficult. You keep blaming other people's bad behaviour, or 'your brain' finding it all too complex, or trying to find validation on the internet or from your small baby that there's 'objective' proof your MIL isn't nice. That's never going to be forthcoming. You need to make decisions that prioritise your own happiness and wellbeing. However difficult you find it. You're in your mid-40s. Time to grow up, and make decisions that centre you, and model good relationships for your children.

I don't know why you're so focused on not seeming rude. There's no need for any of this to be some giant showdown. All you're doing is removing them from your headspace, not taking them to court or publishing a misery memoir with them as the villains.

They don't know how much of your mental energy they take up -- it's perfectly possible they think you have an OK time when you get together, even if they're not crazy about you. I imagine they thought that as you don't like them and they don't like you you would actually prefer to spend time without them on your holiday away with them?

In fact, it doesn't really stack up that you find being around them almost unbearable because you experience them as critical and neglectful, but you spent your time on holiday terribly upset because they didn't spend any time with you.

@SabbaticalinMogadishu I don’t want to dislike them and avoid them. I went on holiday thinking perhaps I’d thought wrong. But they avoid me, I talk but get no answers. I thought they’d want to share time with their granddaughter and play with her. Instead they laughed at me behind my back, offered everyone drinks then stopped at me. It felt so awkward. They didn’t feel the need to be chatty and come play with her for a bit. You can be not keen but make an effort, don’t laugh and ignore someone.

I’m sure there’s only so many times you can forget to offer the same person a drink or not say hello how are you if walk through the door. Once is a mistake, every time seems deliberate. It’s the atmosphere and the tension and the deliberateness and the anticipation that gets to me and makes me feel rotten. I’ve become accustom to turning up and being ignored, it’s like ptsd. I keep thinking it will be different but I don’t learn. I will now.

Yes, it's perfectly plain they don't like you, for whatever reason! It isn't a 'mistake', clearly.

(I mean, I know why my own MIL doesn't like me. It's nothing personal, I'm just not the kind of DIL she envisaged -- she wanted someone like her own (very nice) daughters, someone who didn't work, a SAHM with lots of children, who would have most of her social life via the family, pop in a lot, ask her advice, and be available in the daytime for shopping, bingo etc. I'm a careerist mother of one by choice, and while I absolutely do family things from time to time, my primary social life is with friends.)

What I'm asking is why you still seem to be disappointed when they don't want to spend time with you -- surely it's a relief, if when they're with you, they're either ignoring you or sniping about you?

@SabbaticalinMogadishu because I have trauma that hasn’t settled. I’m learning, slowly and it’s difficult.

I got myself in a thought process that if they could just see my worth then they would treat me better. Stupid! It backfired because they can’t and I them assumed that was because I’m not worthy and I became sad.

They don’t want my daughter either and she is just bloody amazing. They actually disgust me.

OK, they disgust you. That sounds like a more useful state of mind than desperately wanting them to accept you, which focuses on you wanting them to do something they are clearly never going to do. From their POV, your daughter is not their son's child, just 'baggage', a reminder of your previous relationship and the past that they're not keen on. They're not keen on you, so they're not keen on her. Although from what you say, they don't seem particularly enthused by their own son and his biological child, either?

You're going to have to prioritise focusing on your own worth. 'Trauma' isn't an excuse, it just makes it harder to do the work on yourself. I'm genuinely sympathetic (I also had a fairly dysfunctional upbringing and SA at a young age), but no one can do this work for you. Your PILs aren't going to change. You need to change.

@SabbaticalinMogadishu she is their sons child, I have 2. One his and one not.

Oh, sorry, my misunderstanding, I thought you were specifically talking here about your older child from your previous marriage.

She couldn’t find time to spend some time with her own biological grandchild. You should have seen her face at her first birthday party because I made it all mermaid theme and she said it was waste of time.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to talk to me, it’s really helped me understand a great deal. I feel better. I think I’m worthy of better treatment so I’m backing off with them and will focus on the people who make me feel good. Thanks so much!

I'm going to disagree with you OP. You often say that you doubt yourself, you worry you are over reacting and are not sure if you are correct.

But stop doubting yourself! As the thread goes on you do seem to be much clearer about what treatment you have received, what you want, what you don't want and that their actions towards you are unkind. So I think you should take comfort in the fact that you are clarifying your situation even if you don't yet see exactly how to achieve an improvement yet.

I think its very normal to walk into a situation in a very optimistic way, open, friendly wanting to build good relationships. Needing to... and it turns out that you have been continually rebuffed in a hurtful way. Added to a difficult past, which make you more vulnerable to rebuffs.

Stop doubting yourself. Your opinion, your intuition is as good as anyone else's. Its based on a series of things, not just a one off and its affecting an important part of your life, your future.
I think these feelings are overwhelming you now because this "holiday" has really opened your eyes and confirmed that you are not imagining it.. and the feeling welling up is why? Why don't they like me? What's wrong with me? Why can't they just be nice? What have I done wrong?
However, I don't think they have even made a conscious decision to do this. They are just not people who see it as their role to be kind to others. They have formed a strong clique. SIL joined the clique by adopting their rules as her own. They are full of themselves and do this by putting others down. They've probably grown up in situations where there's a scapegoat and if there's anyone with a chink in their armour they go for it. I'm betting your DH was previous scapegoat. Bullies basically. Its literally not YOU. its them.

It would really help you if there was a real life person you could talk to about this and get some techniques for dealing with it. Its great to have friends but it can be too much. You really deserve to see someone who can help you through this professionally. If they were colleagues, or neighbours, or school mums the answers would be simple. But its family, there's a tradition of the way things "should" work, there's guilt about stepping back on DH's behalf. And you could do with some help now to sort this out in a way that both you and DH can live with.

People have suggested stepping back, getting far less involved with them, grey rock etc...I agree. No need to make big announcements, just quietly do it. Decide to spend more time around people who treat you with basic human courtesy , lots of time with people who are nice and make you feel good and as little as possible around bullies who make you feel like shit whatever their supposed traditional role in your life is supposed to be.
They have not turned out to be the family you hoped for, so now you can start building your own "village". Be busy. Make your own plans and events and filling your own calendar with things to do with your own little family its one of the best ways to do this. Weekend clubs are great for this FYI

Thanks @DuckbilledSplatterPuff Ive always tried to fix things alone, I don’t know why, I’m just used to it. The kindness of strangers ey. Thanks.

They're just not nice people.

And that's fine - makes it easy for you to decide who you choose to inflict on yourself, and on your children.

Their attitudes and behaviour distress you, and your children will be affected by that.

Your husband and his brother are a product of all that, they've been damaged themselves.

So it's up to you.

You're a mature adult, a mother. Stop seeking validation, stop putting yourselves through this.

Tell your husband once and for all exactly how their behaviour makes you feel, what you need from him, and how you are going to deal with it.

It sounds like he's incapable of stepping up and standing by you, which is a shame, and you shouldn't have to cope with this with no support.

But I'd agree a conscious decision to withdraw from these people and their toxicity sounds the best move for you and your children.

Don't try to keep your husband from seeing them - if anything, encourage him to spend time with them. You don't want the legend that you tried to keep them apart to take root. Keep a diary even, so you can bat back any rumours.

@JFDIYOLO you really have just summed up the confusion I’ve had in my brain. It’s exactly how I’d come to the conclusion to behave. I’ve withdrawn and removed myself from the family group on WhatsApp but have kept them individually. That way I don’t have to be subjected to whatever shit is going on. I won’t keep him from seeing them at all. I don’t want to give them fuel.

Im a bit stuck on whether I encourage him to take dd. I’m worried what will be said behind my back to her???

Every time she visits (and be the better person, encouraging friendly interaction for her with them), reinforce how much you love her, DH and sibling, how much you want her to have a nice time with DH's family.

Never slag them off to her, always be polite about them.

Remind her that we choose how we behave to others and what we say about others actually says a lot - about us.

I think it would be wise to set up a relaxed, confident atmosphere where she feels comfortable letting you know how each visit went.

If anything happens, let her know your DH had a difficult time as a child, and sadly these relatives sometimes choose to behave in an unfortunate way, that isn't your family's way. Your family knows how to behave better.

That way if anything nasty is said or done you'll be aware, and can use it as a teachable moment about kindness and courtesy versus meanness and rudeness.

@JFDIYOLO she is only little at the moment, 1.5 years old so a lot of that I can do as she gets older.

Not sure why you have to "encourage"... Your DH is old enough to know whether he wants to visit or not, whether he wants to take DD with him or not. You may find that he doesn't really want to see them so regularly as he has recently, which has caused all the difficulties. Tell him how you feel, but leave visits, organising etc up to him.