Would you say my MIL is treating me like this because she doesn’t like me?

[Simplefoke]

I’ve just been away for the weekend with my partner, daughter, his parents and his brother and gf and 2 kids. I was apprehensive because I’m pretty sure his parents don’t like me.

Ive felt this because they don’t greet me if we go over, they have never offered me a drink or asked how I am or started a single conversation with me. When I talk I get one word answers. They were flat when we told them about the baby. They’ve offered no support when she came. They never asked how I was during the pregnancy. Offered no support when he moved in to time. They bought her a box of wet wipes for her first birthday and that was it. Everything we say like we buying some thing or going somewhere it’s met with you don’t need that or you don’t need to go there. They treat the other son’s family completely the opposite. When they go over for example she has bought them their favourite drinks. It can’t be me that just feeling that this isn’t right??

The weekend away was the worst experience of my life. The mum offered everyone a drink then got to me and put the drinks down. They don’t talk to me. Spent the entire time with the other son’s family. Me and my partner and DD couldn’t just stand around with them as we have a younger kid who needs different entertainment (we were at a theme park type place). Instead of splitting their time to spend some with us and with the toddler they spent it with the others 100%. I’ve never been away with them all and never been to this place before. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable and unwelcome in my life. I just left them to it and spent the time alone with my dd. Didn’t end up eating with them. Was just alone, it was so awful. They make constant digs and comments about my upbringing and my life before my partner. They have said before that my partner doesn’t know my situation because he came from a good family etc. I was in an abusive relationship previously for 12 years but I got out. They make constant comments like it was my fault and I’m just trouble basically.

What would you do in this situation??? I’m pretty sure I’m not just being awkward and making it up. I can just feel the dislike from them. Should I just cut all contact?

@Feelsodrained what do you mean by a normal reasonable person? What kind of person is she? Apart from a not nice one it seems?

Look, @Simplefoke, I don't actually think much of this is in fact about you, and certainly none of it is about you as a human being. As a pp said, this shouldn't be an upsetting realisation -- it's liberating when you think about it.

It's clear from what you say that your PILs don't in fact much like their own son, your DP, who is ND and a hoarder. He's the 'non-prestige' son. And they (probably) don't much like you because you come with baggage. You're older than he is, and have a 'naughty' older child from a previous abusive relationship, and they think you 'trapped' him with a pregnancy. It's not fair or nice that they think this, but it seems likely.

The liberating thing is that nothing you can do, no way you can behave, will make a difference to them.

Drop the rope, and stop wanting to be admitted to inner circle of this fairly dysfunctional family -- ask yourself why you keep hoping they'll let you into their ranks, when it's fairly clear you (understandably enough) neither like nor respect them.

That suggests you haven't done enough therapeutic work on your own people-pleasing. Behaving in a certain way towards people you fundamentally don't like or respect in the hope of being rewarded with a certain type of behaviour in return is at the core of people-pleasing. And why it never leads to happiness.

I'd focus far more on your own self-esteem, building friendships with people who value you, and on your marriage. I think there's a risk you're projecting some of your anger and hurt onto your PIL because you can't allow yourself to think about whether you have again had a child with someone who doesn't behave well to you. Because while you're writing about the behaviour from your PIL, you're also describing someone who's supposed to love you, but repeatedly puts you in situations where other people mistreat you and he doesn't notice, even when you draw it to his attention.

It sounds as though your partner has always been mistreated by his family. His brother is the golden child and can do no wrong. They were treated very differently from the start, and that's continued, with their respective partners / children being treated the same. ie Golden Child's partner and children are golden, whereas your partner's partner and children are lesser.

This isn't about you. It's nothing you've done wrong. You aren't unlikeable. Your in laws would have found any reason to not like you / to criticise you. It isn't personal.

They are defective. They are abusive. You won't change them. You can't talk them around or make them like you. They are the problem and they won't change.

The best thing you can do - for you, your DH and children - is avoid them, and not attach your worth to how they treat you.

It isn't you, it's them. Stop trying with them. It won't change them and it will just make you feel worse. Keep away from them. Enjoy your own little family and only spend time with people who are kind.

Hi gorgeous!
So pleased that you managed to get yourself out of a horrible situation. That was truly brave and very strong of you! 💪
Don't waste your time trying to get them to like you. They never will and it is COMPLETELY THEIR LOSS. They're using what little power they have to be mean to a woman and child. Well done to them 👏👏👏how clever and nice they are.

Draw your boundaries now. You gave them a chance and they blew it big time.

You need to protect yourself and your daughter from this stupid set up.
If your partner wants to go along with the hurt and charade then let him, but get the rest of the family out of it.
Spend time with people who love you and appreciate you as you deserve it!
Huge love to you 💕💕
Ps I've been there and wasted 20 years trying and finally drawn my lines and feel better for it! 🥰🥰🥰

@SabbaticalinMogadishu thanks for your reply and yes absolutely I need to work on my self esteem. I don’t hold any anger towards my partner. He isn’t responsible for their behaviour and I need to be responsible for how I’m behaving. He has been nothing but supportive for everything so far. I feel for him in this also.

You need to cut them out of your life. They are never going to change or like you any more, despite what you do. Tell your husband he can visit them whenever he wants but that you are done. Honestly it will be a weight off your shoulders. Concentrate on your own little family.

Well I don’t know her, you do but from your description she sounds like a bitch and quite controlling 🤷‍♀️

A yes she is odd. I’ve really struggled to put my finger on it over the years. But hey ho I have tried.

OP you and your DH sound like really lovely people, it’s them, it’s not you.

Maybe instead of focusing on whether they like you, you should care more about whether you like them. Frankly they sound fucking horrible and I’d be avoiding them like the plague.

This.

Quietly, but firmly disengage.
Mute the WhatsApp and after a while, leave.

They are cruel and ignorant. You can't change them. But you can completely lower your expectations of them. They won't be the lovely family you were hoping for and as others have said its their loss. Eg. After the Wet Wipes incident, I can guarantee that any birthday/Christmas interaction will always be disappointing and upsetting. So don't expect them to behave well on these occasions. They won't. Withdraw. But you can make sure that birthdays and christmasses are great for your own little family. You can give them a better upbringing than you and DH had. You have your own little family to love and protect. You can build a circle of good friends (step by step - it will happen).

It really isn't you. Its them. I also think that they are the kind of people who enjoy having a scapegoat to lord it over. Its just another form of bullying really, with a large helping of you'll never be one of us ( as if that would ever be something to aspire to ) It sounds like your DH has been in that role, but you have come along so they can happily transfer that role to you. You don't have to accept it. And you don't have to subject your children to this either. You just don't.

As a pp said, you need time and distance away from them to heal. I can tell this is really distressing for you. If you can get therapy do.

Does your DH want to continue to see them? Or does he agree you are both better off taking a giant step back?

Try not to let this play so much on your mind. Accept that it has happened and it was horrible but start to look forward to building your focus on other things. Plan towards things that would improve you life and make them a reality. A much better holiday next year for a start! Think about what you want in life.

I think you are in mourning for the idea of a great supportive family which you didn't have as a child and now sadly the Wet Wipes ( always helps to have a nick name, makes them seem less formidable) have proved they won't be one either. But you can start building your own network of people who treat you well.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff thanks. I have contacted a friend today to tell them how awful the weekend was. It does help to get others perspectives as I often sit on it in shame thinking it’s me. She was lovely and sympathetic. I always expect people to be horrible. I’ve just got so used to it. I will from now on focus my attention on the people I do know listen and are kind to me.

God I thinking this people pleasing behaviour I can’t seem to shake is making me feel a little mad. I awful I don’t know why my focus seems to shift to it. You are right and it is really distressing for me but I haven’t been able to just leave it and keep getting
more and more distressed. I feel better that I’m not on holiday and back home. It was horrible not being able to escape so all I did was hide away, which was just awful. I’ve removed myself from the group as they chatting about how great it was, how they miss each other and planning more. It was making me feel worse.

If you are dealing with normal people, then its normal to be polite, friendly, take an interest in what they are interested in, so that you can build a relationship with them.
So I think the people pleasing was your attempt to build bridges with them, to get them to see you as a person. Unfortunately, they were not capable of being receptive of it... so it was worth a try, so don't keep on beating yourself up about it, but just tell yourself you will recognise it and pull back if you find yourself doing it again.
but you know now that it won't make them treat you any better, so if somethings not working , try a different tack.
There's no need to lower yourself to their standards, but just be civil but a lot less interested next time you find yourself in that kind of situation.

And also you know now to absolutely refuse to be put in a situation like a holiday which goes on for several days and where you have nowhere to escape to. Filling your calendar with things that you want to do, makes it much easier to gracefully decline triggering situations and makes the whole thing seem less significant. It sounds like you do have some nice friends. Its good that you feel better now that you are back home.
It sounds like its been the culmination of a series of difficult interactions that's been building up, and its natural to feel distressed, so take some time to work your way through it, but then you have to let it go to stop it from overpowering you.

It happened. It was horrible. I bet though that they don't even have the wit or the sensitivity to see how distressing their behaviour is. ie.. they aren't even expecting this reaction as they probably don't give the feelings of others much thought.

Now you've spoken to people to get it out of your system, so when you are ready it might make you feel better to find ways of distracting yourself when it starts playing on your mind again, get involved in things that interest you, focus on having a nice summer with your little one. Its been a horrible experience but you've made some choices now and had various opinions about how you might deal with it in future, which will help.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff thanks that’s a great response for me. Sometimes I feel stupid for having these feelings but then I have to remind myself they are normal given the situation.

I was just thinking about something the SIL said to me. I put up coloured lights on the tent we were in. All around the outside and inside. For the children, I thought it would be cool. They loved it and dancing. Behind my back the MiL and SIL were laughing that it looked like a German brothel and I should turn it off. I was really embarrassed and laughed it off but actually that was really nasty.

Behind my back the MiL and SIL were laughing that it looked like a German brothel and I should turn it off. I was really embarrassed and laughed it off but actually that was really nasty

That's awful. Honestly OP, these people are not normal. That was a twisted and horrible thing to say - deliberately embarrassing you and trying to make you feel rubbish.

It's mean school girl behaviour. They are immature. They can't relate to you as adults can so they can only boost their self esteem by bringing you down. They're not genuine people. They probably don't have any real friends.

I think you should thank your lucky stars you've not been accepted into this horrific family! Can you imagine ☹️

Why are you even bothering with them op? Really? Why not just completely go non contact? They are hostile to you and your child. A packet of wet wipes as a birthday present? They are taking the absolute piss.

How you are letting your partner off the hook too is baffling… just because he’s ’oblivious’ is irrelevant. He should be the first line of defence against their nasty bullying. His ‘obliviousness’ is enabling it and actually making you unhappy.

It sounds toxic and dysfunctional. I’d fuck the lot of them off.

It’s sounds crazy written down but it feels so different in the thick of it. I don’t know why I’ve kept this going for 4 years. You just think people are like you but there’s so many odd people out there with weird stuff going on.

" The daughter in law made a comment that if you want well behaved children like hers then all you have to do is love your children enough like she has. "

As we say in the USA, them's fighting words.

lol @aloris it was certainly incredibly patronising and ignorant.

I never ever say this but honestly, LTB. Even if you go NC with in laws, he will never fully support you, not properly. Because he will always see it as 'you're are the reason everything changed. You are the reason why you can’t all go round there as a family. When the reality is it's his lack of support.

@EnglishBluebell I have to say I am a bit worried about what you have said. How they are going to spin this into how awful I am and they said I’d be trouble and now look what I’ve caused. It all depends on how he takes it. I’ve no intention of making a scene but I won’t be available anymore for family dinners and holidays. I really can’t see them being bothered as it must have taken effort to be so awful. I can see myself as being the unhinged monster making him choose. It’s not something I want to do to him but I’m not being subjected to it anymore. It does make me worry about our relationship as I know how insidious this can be.

It’s a lot of the reason why I was crying. I was worried about our relationship with each other.

Were you local to his family growing up and living nearby with your ex? Otherwise how is it they know chapter and verse of what you call past 'difficulties'? It's not the thing to share with anyone, until you know they are not the type to use it against you.
Unfortunately, somehow they have come by all this info from your past and are just the type to twist the knife in about it.
It's not you, it's clearly them, and it's not just about what they know of you, it's more that you are connected to your DH. Though he doesn't acknowledge it, they treat him very differently than his sibling, and it sounds like they neglected him in childhood. But also, the apple often doesn't fall far from the tree and it sounds like one or both of his parents are ND also.
The way you deal with people who are not nice to you, is not see them. It's up to your DP if he wants to spend the rest of his life trying to appease them, but you don't have to visit at all.

as @SuncreamAndIceCream said That comment from them was so Mean Girls. What a spiteful nasty thing to say. They couldn't bear to see that you had done something creative and nice for the children so they had to say that.

Its kept going for 4 years because you were optimistic and gave them the benefit of the doubt that deep down most people are reasonable and they would come round. Unfortunately, they are not reasonable. They are bullies. That is not your fault.

"they are going to spin this into how awful I am and they said I’d be trouble and now look what I’ve caused."

You could definitely do with some RL help on how to navigate this, firstly for yourself and then both you and DH. I don't think you have to make a big stand, just quietly disengage, step back without saying anything. You're busy. You're on holiday, visiting your relatives, there's a school event. so that becomes the new normal.

@Opentooffers could being ND explain the mums behaviour? My partner is ND but he doesn’t display any of her behaviours. I do think he struggles with empathy and understanding how this makes me feel. It hurts me and to him he has no idea why. I think that his mum has no empathy otherwise how could you treat someone like this.

OP I have the same type of ILS and husband.

MIL, after grandchildren being diagnosed, has now realised she is autistic FIL clearly has ADHD. My OH identifies as autistic and I am officially diagnosed. Have you considered that your rigid thinking, re fitting into a family, may be because you are also autistic?

MIL was the scape goat of her family, FIL couldn’t build effective relationships at work and was always an underachiever. My MIL and FILs dysfunctional behavior and put downs are due to the way they were treated. Rather than being a better person, they are trying to heal themselves by pushing the phrases and behaviour that hurt them on to other people. E.g if this behaviour goes round and round they weren’t treated in this way because they’re a ‘bad person’, or because they’re vulnerable, it’s just the way life is.

My OH was always the scapegoat and has grown up being a people pleaser. We’ve discussed his family’s behavior and how poorly we have both been treated. He accepts their behavior towards him as just the way it is. He believes if he doesn’t put up with the behaviour he’ll have to live a life without his family in it and this isn’t what he wants. I’m NC with them.