Would you say my MIL is treating me like this because she doesn’t like me?

[Simplefoke]

I’ve just been away for the weekend with my partner, daughter, his parents and his brother and gf and 2 kids. I was apprehensive because I’m pretty sure his parents don’t like me.

Ive felt this because they don’t greet me if we go over, they have never offered me a drink or asked how I am or started a single conversation with me. When I talk I get one word answers. They were flat when we told them about the baby. They’ve offered no support when she came. They never asked how I was during the pregnancy. Offered no support when he moved in to time. They bought her a box of wet wipes for her first birthday and that was it. Everything we say like we buying some thing or going somewhere it’s met with you don’t need that or you don’t need to go there. They treat the other son’s family completely the opposite. When they go over for example she has bought them their favourite drinks. It can’t be me that just feeling that this isn’t right??

The weekend away was the worst experience of my life. The mum offered everyone a drink then got to me and put the drinks down. They don’t talk to me. Spent the entire time with the other son’s family. Me and my partner and DD couldn’t just stand around with them as we have a younger kid who needs different entertainment (we were at a theme park type place). Instead of splitting their time to spend some with us and with the toddler they spent it with the others 100%. I’ve never been away with them all and never been to this place before. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable and unwelcome in my life. I just left them to it and spent the time alone with my dd. Didn’t end up eating with them. Was just alone, it was so awful. They make constant digs and comments about my upbringing and my life before my partner. They have said before that my partner doesn’t know my situation because he came from a good family etc. I was in an abusive relationship previously for 12 years but I got out. They make constant comments like it was my fault and I’m just trouble basically.

What would you do in this situation??? I’m pretty sure I’m not just being awkward and making it up. I can just feel the dislike from them. Should I just cut all contact?

No, not at all petty to cut ties with his family and or otherwise ignore them. You do not have to make a song and dance about it either, just withdraw completely and quietly and not subject yourself and your kids to his rotten to the core family. Its very hard to see the dynamic when you are in the thick of it and such dysfunction and abuse within families can be insidious in its onset.

Your partner's inertia when it comes to his family hurts him as much as you and he needs therapy like yesterday frankly. He could certainly do with reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

So his parents not only don’t like me but they are actively doing something abusive, purposely? What are they hoping will happen? They don’t seem bothered I was upset, they still chatting away happily on the family group chat about the amazing weekend they had. What do I do with that chat, remove myself???

@AttilaTheMeerkat he has absolutely no ideas what his family are like. If you say something he’s just like lol that’s my family doesn’t mean anything.

I'd be cutting my loses and going very low contact with them;my parents have never bothered to be grandparents to my kids but are all over my brother's DD like a rash.

My kids are young adults/teens and they noticed a long time ago that they are treated differently.

I've always been treated like dirt in favour of my two much younger brothers.It took me a long time to realise and accept the issue is my parents and not me;it has been healing for me.

Remove yourself from their group chat. With you out of the way they will likely then turn against someone else in that group.

Does he really have no idea what they are like?.

He is either willfully blind to them all or has used you as some sort of buffer between him and they. He uses such phrases as a means of deflection/denial from the truth which is that his whole family or origin are all dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy.

@Duckingella its hurts. Especially when you don’t understand what’s going on and why. My own family I understand. The problem was my mum but she did the best she could. She was abused by her own father and was absent emotionally as a mum. She wasn’t malicious or laughing or doing it intentionally. I have come to forgive her and she is still in my life and does her best. She does a lot to help with my kids and treats them well and makes a huge effort.

Honestly you need to cut them off. They're bloody rude, hurtful, spiteful and it's only going to affect your children as they grow up too. I'm sorry you're treated like this 😔

Well, it's your DH's family. Let him manage the relationship with them. Take a step back. But your priority needs to be working on yourself so that your self-esteem doesn't depends on other people's approval.

As a pp said, it's not fundamentally important that your PILs don't like you. These things are as much a matter of chance, like happening to have colleagues you like. Mine aren't particularly enthusiastic about me, and because neither has an ounce of tact, it's always been clear they would have far rathered DH to marry his previous girlfriend!

But that isn't a problem for me, because it's not laying an axe to the roots of my self-esteem, and because I don't need anything from them. I spend time around them regularly, perfectly pleasantly.

A lot of people are disapproved of by their PILs without it wrecking their heads to the extent it's doing with yours. I have a close friend who married into (very) minor aristocracy, whose PILs don't think much of her. When she first used to go to their house on weekend visits, she would be put in the former servants' quarters, whereas the previous girlfriend, and her now DH's brother's girlfriend, got a rather lovely guest room with a four-poster! She was also the only DIL who wasn't offered the family tiara for her wedding day! She used to phone from their house and we would laugh about it.

You don't mention friends at all, @Simplefoke -- isn't there anyone who values you to whom you can talk about this? Even just a text message from the loo eg 'I'm hiding in the Alton Towers loo from Keith and Colette, who are being even weirder than usual'...?

You need to stop wanting something from them that they can't or won't give you.

I second reading 'Toxic in laws.' Normally I'd say you have a DH problem too but his ND makes his behaviour more understandable.

I'd never go near them again, in fact I don't. DH is welcome to go. They can dislike me but they can do it from afar. They clearly don't think you're good enough. I don't think you ever will be so best to extricate yourself now.

I had no 'baggage.' In all measurable ways DH and I are equals and have been married for 30 years. MIL is very much the head princess of their family. She is a control freak and everyone makes her feel special constantly for fear of upsetting her. It's weird. Even at family weddings you'd think it was her day, sat ther holding court. It would be far too outing to go into detail of some of the worst things she's done to me over the years (with the family all saying it was not meant with malice). This includes cancelling our holidays days before we due to leave, purposely telling me of my 'surprise' 40th Birthday party and ruining my wedding. In my experience it doesn't get better, I just protect myself.

@MitskiMoo I like that comment they can not like me but they can not like me from afar.

I think what holds me back is that they thought I was trouble back then and oh look at “Sharon” causing trouble now, we told you she would be trouble… I hate that they have this version of me in their head that’s not true and lm living up to it, but they aren’t giving me m in choice.

Op how old are you and he and how long have you been together?

@Lampslights 40 and together 4 years. I know I must sound like a teenager. I should know better by now.

No that’s not where I was going. So he’s 33? How quickly did you start trying for a child ie tell them about the first pregnancy?

im trying to work out why they feel as they do.

Hi OP,

I had this too and in the end we challenged the ILs about it and they cut contact with us. It was blessed relief tbh.

Good luck

I understand the disappointment of thinking you’re finally going to be part of a proper family and yet again, it’s toxic.

You need to accept they’re messed up people and stay away from them. It will be hard for your partner but you can either live a pretend life or you can be honest and call out shitty behaviour and say you’re not going to be around it, that’s that.

Really, who cares?

Decent people don't behave like they do. It doesn't matter why, there's no gain in trying to "understand" their motivation, they won't change.

Thanks @OriginalUsername2 I told myself when I left my marriage i’d not live like this again. Watering myself down for people. I can feel I’m letting myself down because I have such a fear of conflict. It’s not getting me anywhere tho. People are just so complicated.

@Lampslights we both love each other it shouldn’t matter. Many people have said we are such a lovely family and suit each other.

He is a sweet giving person. Extremely caring. I suspect a people pleaser like myself and he has created emotional attachments to objects. He’s an adult and I’ve not pushed or pressured him into anything. Despite his parents thinking I trapped him for some reason.

Yes you need to distance yourself from them as people advised on your previous thread. For whatever reason they don’t like you - probably because they are narcissists who won’t accept that anyone can be good enough for their son. The fact that you keep trying to get them to like you is just fuel for them. They will never like you or think you’re a nice person and the sooner you accept that the easier it will be to move on and be happy. You need to get to a place where you can detach from them and not let them affect you. Stop going to their house, keep being busy, let your DH keep seeing them because he won’t see things the same way that you do, having grown up in that dynamic.

FWIW there’s probably a fair few people who wouldn’t be thrilled if their 29 year old son chose a 36 year old who already had a child and a messy divorce behind her. It sounds harsh but it’s true. Especially if there’s a swift pregnancy following them getting together. Most people would get over it and give the new partner a chance but it’s not particularly unusual that they would have an issue with it.

They sound like twats so just cut them off.

@Simplefoke if your dp can't pick up on when his parents are being knows then you are going to have to stand up for yourself and your dd.

I have been you and your dd. I wasn't defended as a child, although my sister was (smae parents) which caused a lot of issues. But as the partner in the same situation I told dp either he stood up to his parents or I would. His mother was exceptionally rude so I distances myself, refused to engage hoping dp would raise it but he hates confrontation so did to a point but not enough to actually make the point clear. His mother then made some passive aggressive comment about my avoiding family situations so I told her straight that her behaviour had been vile and unjust and that I had no intention of surrounding myself or my dd with people like that.

She went very quiet for a couple of weeks and then reached out to apologise and clear the air. I may have been a tad petty at that point and asked her to explain what she thought she was apologising for as I would my dd.

Things are better now and I am not naive enough to think that in most circumstances it would have made things 10000% times worse but ultimately I had nothing to lose.

Be strong, be fiery, show your little girl that no one has the right to treat you like a lesser class of person. Defend yourself and defend her.

Good luck!

@Feelsodrained yeah but they don’t seem to have issues that there 20 year old son made a 17 year old pregnant. I’ve so many good qualities also. Own my own home, children are happy and cared for. I’m actually a really kind person having been through so much shit. They aren’t angels themselves so they shouldn’t judge. I know people do. It’s not my fault he wanted to be with me. I have never forced him like I think they think I have. He is an adult. I told him not to date me because I have this past and he chose to look past it. Family is so hard.

He has told me that they turned their nose up at all his gf. His mum worded it as they aren’t the same as you. It’s not their choice. No one would be good enough for their eyes (apart from the other DIL). But it’s not their eyes looking.

Yes I know they shouldn’t judge but people do judge and it’s sad that they can’t see your good qualities but there we are. They do sound narcissistic so of course they won’t judge their own son for getting a teenager pregnant (I presume this is the golden child brother). But it’s hardly unusual for people to have different standards for their own children compared to other people, in fact it’s very very common. You seem very fixated on getting external validation - if you know you’re a good person, what does it matter if some idiots can’t see that? You’re not their dream DIL and never will be but just focus on your relationship and your family and ignore them.

@Feelsodrained I know and I will focus on my own little family. I bloody wish I wasn’t so triggered. There is just this part of me thats still quite painful and won’t seem to go away.

I'd like to hear their side of it

@EnglishBluebell me too. I’d like to know why they can’t say hello or would you like a drink. Or why they have never visited their son in the 4 years prior to me they never visited his place. Why they booked a holiday over their granddaughters birth despite it being booked in for months. Why she received a pack of wetwipes for her 1st birthday and why they tell us to just strap her in somewhere and let her cry. Why they never offered their own son support when her birth went awful and I was too unwell after major blood loss to help him. My mum had my eldest and he struggled so much. What’s any of that got to do with not liking me.