Would you say my MIL is treating me like this because she doesn’t like me?

[Simplefoke]

I’ve just been away for the weekend with my partner, daughter, his parents and his brother and gf and 2 kids. I was apprehensive because I’m pretty sure his parents don’t like me.

Ive felt this because they don’t greet me if we go over, they have never offered me a drink or asked how I am or started a single conversation with me. When I talk I get one word answers. They were flat when we told them about the baby. They’ve offered no support when she came. They never asked how I was during the pregnancy. Offered no support when he moved in to time. They bought her a box of wet wipes for her first birthday and that was it. Everything we say like we buying some thing or going somewhere it’s met with you don’t need that or you don’t need to go there. They treat the other son’s family completely the opposite. When they go over for example she has bought them their favourite drinks. It can’t be me that just feeling that this isn’t right??

The weekend away was the worst experience of my life. The mum offered everyone a drink then got to me and put the drinks down. They don’t talk to me. Spent the entire time with the other son’s family. Me and my partner and DD couldn’t just stand around with them as we have a younger kid who needs different entertainment (we were at a theme park type place). Instead of splitting their time to spend some with us and with the toddler they spent it with the others 100%. I’ve never been away with them all and never been to this place before. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable and unwelcome in my life. I just left them to it and spent the time alone with my dd. Didn’t end up eating with them. Was just alone, it was so awful. They make constant digs and comments about my upbringing and my life before my partner. They have said before that my partner doesn’t know my situation because he came from a good family etc. I was in an abusive relationship previously for 12 years but I got out. They make constant comments like it was my fault and I’m just trouble basically.

What would you do in this situation??? I’m pretty sure I’m not just being awkward and making it up. I can just feel the dislike from them. Should I just cut all contact?

@Ftctvycdul its funny you have said that. My eldest is being assessed. I’ve always suspected my mum is (I’d say definitely) I’ve suspected I am. I can’t quite understand how these things work. In my head you fit into a family, we are all different but that shouldn’t matter. I’m finding it hard to understand all of this. I am quite rejected sensitive.

The more I think about all the comments it just feels weirder. When I had our baby via c-section it went a little wrong and I had major blood loss and transfusions, I thought I was going to die. His mum said to me to send her son home to get some rest as he needs to sleep more. When I said he was sharing the care at night she said he shouldn’t be doing that he needs to sleep. When I say he changes nappies she says he shouldn’t be doing that…..what makes him so special? They hated it when she needed a nappy change in front of them and I said to him can you do it..she got all fussy and said that’s my job and took over. She always wants me to be doting on him but he is no more special than I am. He does these things with no issue, it’s his child also.

She seems to think her sons are gods and deserve special treatment. I love him because he isn’t like this at all and he gets involved and so do I. Does this seem a little narcissistic.

OP, as kindly as possible, from one autistic person to (possibly) another: you're obsessing over this. You can't know what is going on in their heads. This is how they treat you. You can either roll over and accept it, or politely back away without explanation. If I were you I would choose the second option.

I suggest you make an effort to think about something else because in my experience dwelling on such experiences rarely helps anyone, including/especially me. Please stop giving them so much of your mental energy.

I wish you well.

I know @HalebiHabibti I just don’t want to have got it wrong then everyone thinks I’m rude.

Is it normal to obsess being Autistic. I’ve really felt like going to the gp. I struggle with so many things. Too many people, loud noises, people dressed up, as a child I had issues with food and clothes (still have issues with trousers). I’ve never fit it and have developed this kind of self hate like I’m not worth liking. (I suspect that’s because I’ve tried to fit into a world I’m not quite the same as). I often pretend I’m ok with things I’m not and I’m exhausted after spending time with people.

@SwimmingSnake Im just torn between this really. Is it what you’ve said or is it not so sinister.

Your MIL, whatever is driving it, is a bully.

Your BIL has chosen a partner just like mummy, and they gang up as kindred spirits. They're stuck in this situation and I wonder what his life's really like?

Your partner, though, has chosen you. He's chosen not to repeat the pattern, to break it. He and you are the mavericks.

Focus on that and the future, your own child, how you teach and treat them. They'll be learning from observing you all.

Oh I know I can’t make a decision about anything….it drives me bloody nuts! All I know is that I want a nice life and to be treated nice.

@JFDIYOLO i like the idea of being a maverick. I am trying to break the cycle from my own relationship so it would be stupid of me to continue down this road.

Do you know what op, let the holiday be the line that’s drawn now. They constantly show you who they are. Its time to believe it. Theyve treated you, your dh and children awfully. Its now time to step back. No words needed. Let them notice but keep things positive, just avoid them/any arguments. Grey rock them, unfortunately your too busy to go over/too busy for further holidays etc. dont put yourself in that position again. You and your partner/kids are all that matters and its enough. Move on leave them too it. Unfollow them on social media etc

its hard at first but soon becomes the norm and the relief you get is amazing compared to the gut wrenching anxiety

Bluntly, OP, they don’t like you anyway, so you’ve got nothing to lose. Do you really want to look back on your deathbed and think ‘Well, I let my PILs mistreat me for 40 years, so I can feel really proud of myself for not doing anything about it’?

You keep talking about wanting a family. Well, you have one. You have two children and a husband. You need to give up on this dream of your PILs somehow magically transforming into surrogate parents and taking you in like a daughter. You don’t like them, they don’t like you. Never gonna happen.

I agree with other posters that they are unlikely to give you a twentieth of the headspace you appear to give them. It’s wasted energy, OP, that you could be putting into your own life and into friendships that support you. These people loom far too large for you. I get on perfectly well with my PILs, but only really think about them when I’m in their company.

@DeadMabelle I know. These people are all about family though. I’ve always known he is close to them. They are all about family holidays and making memories. I also know that that is all good but it doesn’t seem to include me. I feel terrible for my partner to be the reason this doesn’t happen. (I know it’s their behaviour at fault) but it won’t be seen that way. I hate this shit. I’ve gone from a neglectful childhood emotionally to a long abusive marriage and now this. I’ve just had enough of the drama of it all.

Your partner is part of the problem, if he persists in forcing you into contact with people who mistreat you and persistently fails to notice this, even when you point it out. If he wants you to enjoy family holidays with his family, there are all kinds of things he can do to promote that. Why is he so keen on family holidays when from what you say, they’re never very nice to him either?

@DeadMabelle Ive no idea. I think they were much different before me. They were happy with the other son and gf and the 2 kids and my partner being on his own and tagging along.

Bring autistic he has a very logical response to what’s happening. He won’t feel anything or understand how it makes me feel.

I just can’t help feeling there’s a pattern of behaviour here, @Simplefoke. You’ve gone from a (1) dysfunctional childhood where your needs weren’t met to a (2) long, abusive marriage to (3) a relationship with a man who it’s very clear isn’t able to meet your emotional needs, and appears not to understand why you’re upset by his family, or act to rectify the situation. I’m not sure it matters why he can’t meet your needs. But it’s pretty clear he can’t. There’s your issue, really. I think you’re focusing on what your PILs might be thinking to avoid confronting the real issue — why you find yourself again with a man whose behaviour makes you unhappy.

Umm@DeadMabelle if I’m honest I don’t really think that. Im more annoyed at myself for not really having the balls to stand up for myself. I’m not really looking for him to defend me. I need for me to stand up for myself and I’m just not confident enough that I trust my own feelings on things.

Honestly he really does try. I’m appalling at talking about my needs for fear of being rejected. If I told him I really do think he’d understand, he’s a sweetheart.

Sorry I know I’m blabbing but it’s funny because the 1.5 year old won’t go anywhere near her. She clings to my leg when she sees her. She’s the only adult of the family she just hasn’t warmed to now. She must be able to sense something, instinctual.

@Simplefoke, you’re still trying to get validation from other people’s responses, whether that’s strangers on the internet or a baby who isn’t at ease around your MIL it’s perfectly possible your baby is just picking up on your lack of ease around your MIL. — babies are sharp.

But it doesn’t matter what a baby or internet strangers think of your MIL. It’s your life. Why is it so important to you that there’s some ‘independent’ corroboration that your MIL isn’t nice? Would it matter so much if everyone else thought she was great?

I just don’t trust my own judgment. I don’t know if I’m looking at things through my own trauma, whether I’m expecting too much or if I’m being unreasonable. Whether I’ve pushed them away somehow. I’m confused.

But you need to learn to trust your judgement.

And to teach your children to trust theirs. If another child bullies yours at school, will you be modelling ‘Oh, maybe you did something to provoke it/it’s a misunderstanding/ you’re looking at things the wrong way’?

If you don’t think you’re worth working on to overcome trauma and build a stronger sense of self, then do it for your children. I spent years as a young adult picking the deeply unhelpful behaviours and beliefs modelled by my mother in particular. You can give your children a good, solid start in life by modelling strong boundaries, self-esteem and healthy relationships. It’s one of the best things a parent can do, maybe the very best. While you’re wasting your time mulling over your PILs, you’re not doing this.

It’s just not clear cut to my brain. Bullying yeah pushing and calling names etc I get , this feels weird. If I get it wrong I potentially cause issues for my partner and kids with there grandparents.