SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

Why is it u fair if his income is reducing? Your DC are 16 and 21, you could have got a job a while ago and built up your own career and income. If you want more money now you may need to do that. Do you have a pension?

All accounts are joint. We both spent as we wish.

If his income is reducing then the family takes the hit. If you want more money to come in then it's almost like there's a solution within your grasp

It was a real privilege to be a SAHM for so long. It looks like time for that to end. What work did you do before children ? Could you do some retraining now? No reason why you shouldn't work now - it does seem a bit imbalanced for him to work FT while you're just at home now your youngest is 16.

Now that your children are older is there any reason that you can't get a job to generate your own income?

Mainly joint accounts and I have a supplementary card to his main current account as well. Never been given an allowance. We just agree big spends (him too, he’ll consult me first). I just use the card, tbf neither of us buy a lot for ourselves and have very closely aligned values around money so it’s never been an issue.

If your family income has gone down then of course you should both be looking at what is a reasonable amount to spend on discretionary things. It is a joint responsibility. We have a family budget that is agreed at the beginning of each financial year. We both commit to it and either of us can raise an objection or allocate more money to a line without much fuss because we both have to agree it’s sensible.

I think your problem is the allowance idea. It’s given you little responsibility for joint management of funds.

Sorry I didn't answer your question. We've always put all our money in shared accounts but we've also both maximised our earning potential and agreed to big/ongoing expenditure. This has been the same when either of us have been out of work, in work part time and full time.
If your household needs more income you need to work or reduce expenditure

Probably the most worrying aspect of your post is that you 'suspect' your DH is going to reduce your allowance, but you don't know? It sounds as if you haven't been discussing finances openly so far.

However, I think you're also saying that the reduction in your allowance is because his own income has reduced - clearly if the household's income is lower that affects you as well as him. Is he getting close to retirement? It sounds like a number of circumstances are changing, not least the fact your children are no longer children, that mean you need an open conversation about how finances are going to work in this new phase of your lives.

We have always gone for a starting point of having the same amount of spending money. So whatever dh has earned or whatever money I have coming in (I get high rate PIP long term etc) we pool everything and then give ourselves the same amount of spending money after all bill are paid / some left over for family spending.

You need a job op

You feel it’s unfair?
Have you tried getting a job instead of sponging off your husband?
Your children have been in full-time education for YEARS! What have you been doing all day?

You should get a job and earn it.

if you are any good at tech look at Super Mums for Salesforce training. If you’re any good you can earn a lot quickly and flexibly.

Everything dh gets (wages/money from family/dividends etc) goes into a joint account.

He never questions my spending. Equally, I try and keep it sensible. We both discuss big purchases first.

When I was briefly a sahm we shared finances, but I made sure my pension contributions were maintained.

£1k a month is a generous amount. If your household income is reducing it’s understandable it will reduce.

please say you have a pension, or at least have been paying you voluntary NI contributions? If not you won’t even have a basic state pension.

what are you going to do o/p? You’re at his mercy. If he reduces it what then? You don’t agree, so what? If you leave him how will you support yourself?

@TwilightSkies I think sponging off her husband is a bit harsh. Presumably when the DC’s were young, she was looking after them to enable him to go to work and forge his career.

OP, now DCs are grown up, why would you not be working? Presumably you are in the comfortable position of being able to do any job that you would enjoy, rather than just for money.

Joint accounts and we both discuss big purchases.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance.

Just for clarity, why don’t you sit down and ask him today.

Why don’t you get a job?

You will soon be a stay at home mum….with no children living at home and you find it unfair that your pocket money allowance is going down?

You have been very lucky to have been able to be a SAHM for all this time and to have been given such a huge amount of money each month. Most SAHM’s are counting the pennies with what little they have to work with.

You have no reason or excuse not to get a job now.

TALK to him.

I have been a SAHP for 20 odd years. All our finances are joint. We don't have our own money or credit cards. I run all the accounts too, I don't think DH even knows the logins..... I should really remedy that!

The house is joint, DH has me as beneficiary to his pensions. I have a small pension we will cash out and spend. We both have ISA accounts with cash. Inheritances have gone in joint accounts too.

My DM used to get a weekly allowance but that was back in the day, I didn't think people even did that now! It's very controlling.

You're not paid staff, you're his spouse. As mentioned by pp's, we had joint and single accounts.