SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

Yeah I think the term SAHM should have stopped being used about 10 years ago.

Use SAHW at least!

If you pay no bills whatsoever, £1k for random spending money is quite a lot!!

Tbh he could buy your contribution in for less than £1k a month. The issue is that you're not partners, you don't love and respect each other. You don't have the foundations that you need so it's no wonder he wants things to change. So do you if you're looking to divorce. It's time for change. Try to get excited about that rather than cling to the past

Can you not look for a job OP? Now your children are nearly adult you must have lots of spare time?

You don't even consider getting a job? Why not? How old are you?
Why has his income reduced? Is he worn out of shouldering the family finances? Perhaps it's your turn.

All our money is joint.

So you don’t want to get. Job but you want to continue getting your allowance now your DC are grown up? I’m not surprised he’s stopping it, sounds like he’s now doing all the work and you’re at home doing a bit of cleaning and cooking.

The monthly contributions to my account should continue. I feel as if I still look after the washing, cooking and cleaning.

I suspect from.this statement that you have brought your adult/nearly adult sons to expect everything to be done for them. Just because you have decided to basically be a cook/ cleaner to 3 adult or nearly adult men doesn't mean some other sap is going to do it for them. You have done them a massive disservice.
Just be careful that your husband isn't biding his time to divorce too. Once the kids are out of education he will hardly have to give you anything. If you are say you don't know if he has a pension it could be that he has something in place but doesn't want you to know about it for this reason.

Be careful logging into his account. You are not the account holder so shouldn’t be doing this. At the very least if someone hacks his account and it turns out he’s been giving his log in to other people he won’t be covered. Or you may end up the suspect. It’s a breach of the t &c’s.

why not add you as a third party authority or a joint account holder, then you can crack on.

You aren't a stay at home mum,you're a housewife,I'm the same I suppose but I have my little granddaughter every day so my DIL can work full time.I would hate my Husband giving me an allowance! All money comes into our joint account and I look after big things and the small stuff, it works for us as a family. I also really respect my Husband and he respects me,you sound like you don't even love yours anymore.

Same as this. No “allowances” for either person, just equal access to all money.

I think it's high time you got a job!

I'm a single mum to a 19 and 24 year old- they do their own washing, cleaning, cooking (if I'm not doing a family meal), what could you possibly be doing as a ''SAHM'' that I don't do whilst also working 40+ hours a week, and living out of hotels half the time??

So he's happy for you to put all your spending on the credit card he pays - and you do use it, what exactly is the £1k a month paying for?

And how much do you spend on the card every month?

I suspect OP won't be back to update 😳🤷

Says the household income has reduced. I feel my contributions in the house are suffieicnt however to warrant the allowance.

Well I'd have joint finances. But if the household income reduces then obviously your portion of that reduces too. Why would it not?

Are you still planning to divorce him? What will you live off then?

Why haven’t you said why his income is decreasing?

I would hate to be financially dependent on another person.

I became a SAHM when eldest was 4 and youngest 2 - prior to that I had worked PT since having DC1.
I had to give up work as DC1 had severe disabilities and childcare once they started school was nigh on impossible. DC 2 was later diagnosed with ASD so that brought childcare challenges too.

Our finances had always been joint from when we got married (6 years prior to having DC). I have always managed the finances even though DH was always the higher earner. We each spend what we want within the budget - although neither of us are big spenders. Large purchases get discussed.

Youngest now late 20's. I never returned to work and I do now have a pension from my original job. DH is retiring soon. Finances will remain as ever - joint.
We both have money invested in our sole names - more for tax purposes than anything else - but both know what each other have got and where it is.

Get a damned job and earn some money to contribute to the household.
Whatbwould you do if he told you he wanted a divorce?

You'll have some in a teacher's pension hopefully?

I'm a teacher (0.4 when DC in primary/0.6 now) and this enabled me to take on almost all the housework/DC admin whilst DH worked frequently abroad/overnight. DC are now similar age to yours and I have quite a lot of free time, especially now that DC do housework/take their turn cooking dinner.

Unless you live in a massive house/provide cooking services beyond the norm I'm not entirely convinced your contribution to the house justifies not working at all. I guess that depends on just how wealthy you and your husband are and it is hard to tell from what you've said.

What do you do all day?

And if he doesn’t agree? What will you do then?

Why don’t you get a job? You could teach three days a week and still do any house type jobs on the other 4 days. That would bring you in more than the £1000 you were getting, still give you plenty of time and you’re building up pension and self-sufficiency as well!

Or do you just not fancy it?

You are talking like you are in fact an employee who should be paid the same regardless. Your total household income is going to come down, so it’s reasonable to expect that in a family everyone takes the hit for that.

Tbh I’m a bit flabbergasted, I can’t imagine having such a transactional attitude towards my marriage. We are a team, if one of us takes a hit we both take a hit.

You are leaving a lot out here OP.
What is your household monthly income about?

How much do you have left over from the rented properties? Could you take over the management for them?

Are you mortgage free?

What is his salary?

Things have shifted now you aren't primarily a mum in your role.

Does he want you to have money to enjoy your free time?

Why don't you put the expenses on the credit card? Keep your allowance just for you?

How much is he suggesting he reduces your allowance?

Why not suggest going cards in joint accounts?

You need to sit down and have a long chat with him about where the household finances are, a plan going forward.

Do you want to work?
How long does he intend to work for?

£1k plus a credit card is ok on the surface, you don't say how much the reduction is.

Money is just money you should be able to talk about it openly.

If you do need more to retain your lifestyle and he thinks you are in a position to work, maybe part time, but you have no intention of working, then this needs to be talked about.

Flinging about words like "I'd get half if we divorced" isn't very helpful if you want to stay together.

If he has earned all the money throughout the past 2 decades or so, not been financially abusive which it sounds like he hasn't, his input and how he feels should be respected.

I have never been a SAHM so I can’t really advise.
I am celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary next week. Also took early retirement last year. Have always been financially independent of DH, who has always earned less than me. We live off my pension and use his pension for fun stuff.
DH had a spell of SAH parenting after 40yrs of working. We discussed it all at length and it worked well.
Although we don’t share accounts we have a system that works for us.
With my own sizeable pension, if DH dies before me then nothing changes for me financially.

I have a few friends who have been SAHM, it is only now their children are leaving home they are starting to worry about what happens next.
They have not discussed the “what ifs”. And because they have left all that to their DH they are finding it difficult to discuss it.

DH and I regularly discuss finances. Unfortunately DH had a stroke a couple of years ago so relies heavily on me to manage everything. It’s a good job that I am money savvy, I ran my own business for years so it’s not difficult.
My advice OP is to sit down with your DH and discuss all possible scenario. Plan for ill health, divorce, early death and any other future situation.
Ask your DH what pension arrangement he has and importantly will you qualify for a state pension. Do you have life insurance? Has your DH nominated you to receive a % of his pension if he dies, he doesn’t have to. Have you been paying into a private pension of your own? I would have being stashing some of the allowance he pays you into a savings account (running away fund).
I’ve always had a running away fund. Even as a high earner you need enough to pay a deposit on a rental accommodation and to support you short term.

You may still be young enough to start working again and become more independent. It’s not about working for your keep but ensuring you are independently financially secure.

I was SAHM for a few years till my DC started school. I had full access to my DH's bank account and cards and spent as I wished. There was no allowance or limitation on spending. Of course, we both consulted with each other before any major expense.

Also, DH was in uni when we had got married and relied completely on my salary then. Again we had joint finances and no limitations.

That being said, we do argue sometimes because of finances so it is not like we are 100% aligned on all money related topics all the time.

DH also had some bad debts initially which contributed to our fights. However, nowadays we try to come to an agreement before any big purchase or investment and are completely transparent.