SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

You could become a teaching assistant in a primary school part time and still be able to do the housekeeping, gardening, school pickup if needed, and all the errands and shopping. You then would be able to get national insurance credit for your state pension too.

If your dh can afford to give you money that is fine, not every household needs two full time incomes. Plus housework is work, because you would need to hire someone to do it.

Oh what a surprise this thread got hijacked by people who are not SAHMs or housewives despite the question specifically being aimed at other SAHW.

OP personally I think a personal allowance of £1k is quite a lot considering you have free access to the credit card too. The way DH and I do it is he sends me a couple of hundred pounds into my personal bank account each month just so I can buy things here and there without him always seeing what I have bought. I also have a joint credit card which I can spend what I like on (within reason)

Many people don't have 50 quid to themselves at the end of the month after working 40 hr weeks, so complaining about not having a grand to yourself is coming across as a bit bratty.

I have been married for over 40 years. I was a SAHM for about 10 years and then worked part time. We are retired now. We have always shared our finances. The savings were paid into my account as I didn’t pay tax! When we were hard up we both had to take care. We talk to each other about our finances (and everything else!)

I was a stay at home mother for about eight years. During that time, my husband paid all bills and he gave me a credit card which I used for food shopping, clothes, and other things I needed to buy. We've always had separate bank accounts and before and after being a stay at home mum, we divided the bills we paid roughly on the basis of what we both wasn't. Whilst I was off work, I had my child allowance for things that were needed for my daughter, and I did some very occasional cash in hand typing work for one of the contractors my husband worked for, which gave me just about enough money to buy birthday and Christmas presents etc. I was never given, and never expected, any sort of allowance from him.

Sorry but why on earth are you still a SAHM when your "children" are 16 and 21? You're taking the piss, surely?

Why on Earth are you posting on a thread that isn't aimed at you, just to be nasty?

I think housewife is a better term, and there's nothing wrong with that if it's what a couple want. I think that quite a lot of women would choose to never return to work and stay at home looking after the house if their husbands were able and willing to provide for them. I know I wouldn't have worked again if it hadn't been a necessity.

That will go down like a lead balloon 😂

And quite a lot of men will be very happy to never have to think about cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening, finances, sorting out Christmas, holidays, socialising, dealing with tradespeople, replacing furniture, carpets, curtains etc and it all happening by magic while they're at work.

A lot of women would probably quite like to be in that position too.

I’d bloody love it if I could go to work and someone else magically kept on top of everything else.

i always thought I’d be fine about not working, but when you put it like that I would much rather work than sah.

@Growlybear83 clearly though OP's husband can't afford to pay her to do nothing anymore

Perhaps lazy sod is a better term

Don't you know they can just ditch the SAH wife once kids grow up and pay peanuts to get all this done for them.

Well they can it seems according to some.

Nice big, perfectly running, cheap empty castle what all men want.

DHs salary pain into a joint account. I transfer X amount to my savings as fall back in case we break up. DH knows this and agreed I needed a safety net after we had a rocky patch. Everything comes out of the joint account.

i doubt I will return to work due to health reasons. I’ve only got a small pension, DH has several.

Not sure I could call myself a SAHM once my DCs are old enough to leave home though.

Why would the £1k reduce if it’s for you to do as you please. Unless it was only for you to do as you pleased while taking care of the DCs. If they no longer need a mum at home then I guess your DH thinks you might get a job for your own money.

side note, your DH says you will get half but do you have a written guarantee of that. Could you suggest one of the rental properties be put in your name or add your name as joint owner to all properties?

I very much doubt that the OP does nothing during the day. Once my daughter had started school and i was home on my own until 3.30, I don't think I've ever been busier. I did all the decorating, minor maintenance, all cleaning, cooking, and remodelled and maintained a large garden. It was one of the most fulfilling times of my life and I hated going back to work. Now that I'm in the process of a phased retirement, I'm really enjoying being able to spend more time trying to get the house immaculate again.

I can't comment on the OP's financial situation but as I said in a previous post, I never expected to be given an allowance during g the years I was at home.

@Growlybear83 again, that's things most people get done at the weekend, in the evenings, using bank holidays etc.

OP has been incredibly lucky to be paid £12k per annum for 21 years. That's £252k. That's a house in a lot of the country.

She has received this for doing the bare minimum, while her husband has worked to pay everything. That money would've been better off going into their pension pots so OP and her husband could've retired happily together, instead of having this situation arise.

Generally most of us work and do that.

@Sillystrumpet Yes, and I did too for many years. But when I've been working full time there aren't enough hours in the day to keep the house how I want it to be, keep the garden lovely, decorate, etc. I could count of the fingers of one hand the number of times I went out to meet friends during the eight years I was at home, and once my daughter was at school, I worked on the house or garden all day, every day during the week. My house has been no means untidy or dirty when I've been working full time, but it's not how it was when I was at home full time.

You've very privileged to have even been able to do that.

A lot of people have their dream homes while working.

Personally I don't think OP has done too badly out of her husband and is now shocked to find that her pretty much grown child doesn't need his mummy at home anymore

OP I'm sorry you're getting so many jealous and nasty replies. I don't think it's fair with your husband's level of wealth to reduce your income, no.

It isn't income.

Get that straight. OP is not working. OP is staying at home doing nothing.

She's taking care of the house. I couldn't afford that in a million years and I'm the higher earner in my relationship but I can't get my knickers in a twist harshly judging others for being economically inactive. If OP's husband is a multimillionaire, it would hardly be worth her getting a job at Tesco, would it?

How old are you and what are you planning to do for a job now the kids are nearly gone?

Whatever are you on about. She doesn’t have an income she’s not had an income for nearly 3 decades, she wants a grand a month, credit card, and her board and lodgings paid for, in return for cooking and cleaning. She’s hardly running downtown abbey, and he’s reducing her allowance as his income has reduced.

if she wants more money she can get a job.

It sounds like you're saying the £1k was to cover home and children's expenses (so not just fun money as some have suggested) and you believe your husband will reduce this when your youngest leaves home.

You mention his income reducing - why is that going to happen?

I wonder if you may be financially controlled and getting a horrible set of responses here.

I have always worked, but my husband and I have swapped who earns more over the years, and we always adjust our payments to the joint account to be proportional to our earnings, and (if the difference is significant) send a balancing payment to the other person so neither is worse off.

I think it's crazy the horrible replies you've gotten. There are much kinder ways of suggesting you could look for work, and people should remember how daunting it can be for women to re-enter the workforce after 20+ years out.

Good luck OP, I hope you can have an honest conversation with your husband and you should absolutely feel proud of your contribution to your family over the years.

@Jessie21 I don't think I was very privileged at all. I was the oldest of all my friends when we decided to have a child because we wanted to wait until my husband was earning enough for me to stay at home with her. During the eight years I didn't work, we were extremely short of money. We had just one holiday in all that time, we had one meal out each year, and maybe three takeaways a year. Neither of us had a new car and we only got new clothes at birthdays or Christmas. We lived a very abstemious lifestyle but it was our decision to do that and it was worth it to us.

I very much doubt that the OP is staying at home doing nothing but I only have my own experience to go by, and I can honestly say that I have never worked harder, before or after, the years I spent at home.