SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

@frozendaisy ok, but not the case for this OP. She wants to divorce him.

I think you're missing the fact that the op is in a loveless marriage and has wanted a divorce for an unspecified amount of time @frozendaisy

@FineWordsButterNoParsnips does she? Or did she just throw I "I mentioned about divorce beforehand" as an argument point saying "IF we got divorced I would have all this" insinuating that the £1k allowance is chicken feed to what he could lose.
Not a tactic I agree with by the way. Throwing out the divorce idea because you can't talk about money honestly isn't healthy as far as I can tell.

I didn't think it was clear.

But if it's divorce then it's a different argument, yes split assets, no maintenance if children grown, take it from there separately.

Um ok then.

The posts don't specify that do they?

All I can tell is he wants to reduce her allowance because his income has reduced and probably her household outgoings. It sounds like they will continue to live together with her getting an allowance of some sort.

But you can argue in the divorce courts for spousal maintenance for a short period whilst you retrain, find work if you have been a SAH.

If she has half the rental portfolio and half martial home it might not be as painful as some divorces.

Yes if you are in a loveless marriage squeezing money out of him will be harder because he won't care.

That’s not what she said though, she just wants a credit card to spend freely and a grand a month for spends, and all bills paid for. Not sure she wants a divorce. She just wants money.

Previous posters have pasted from OPs prev thread.

9.37 this morning on this thread op mentions divorce.

OP, you sound very spoilt and entitled.

If you're making noises about divorce, suggest strongly you get yourself back into the workforce now.

Well we all want money for nothing! That's being human is a capitalist world.

But the pile on because people think no one should be economically inactive is gobsmacking. Perhaps he used her as a maid so he could climb the greasy career pole unencumbered by pesky things like his own sick child.

Sounds like she is in a fairly decent position to get divorced and adjust to life without his salary. Can't see the problem there.

Or they need to talk about finances going forward together.

But to post she deserves nothing, he could outsource you is just dehumanising, to anyone, she still is and will remain the mother of his kids regardless.

There just seems to be a lot of dislike and jealousy which is fine whatever but not very helpful.

If you just want money OP then work out your options be that with H, albeit unhappy perhaps, or a combination of assets and future employment.

It’s lovely you’ve been there for your dc to support them into adulthood. But they are close to grown and hopefully living quite independent lives now. Your finances should still be joint (however you arrange that as you’re a married couple), but sounds like it’s time to get a job. The rest of us do the cooking and cleaning and life admin in our after work hours and you can too, especially when you are mostly just looking after adults, all 3 of whom can chip in to carry some of that load too.

Can you work part T op. The kids ages now you dont need childcare costs...

From an emotional perspective I'm sure you're right. But we're talking about hard cash here aren't we? The OP thinks she is justified in her current arrangements continuing because she cooks, cleans and does laundry. It's an objective fact that these services can be accessed more cheaply than paying for every single thing another adult requires for decades and another £12k a year on top.
From a purely economic and practical perspective a person with the wherewithal and willingness to earn your keep for you is needed more than a person who only does domestic chores that you could actually do yourself. If the OP downed tools, her H would do his own chores or pay someone else to do them. If her H downed tools, they wouldn't have any money to live on.

It leaves you with no income because for the last 11 years you have been sitting at home all day doing nothing while your children were at school!

Maybe your husband is tired of subsiding your lifestyle

Your husband should have stopped being a doormat 10 years ago.

I've had a very intermittent career and in the periods I haven't been working my DH has always given me an allowance. This has changed depending on need. I took early retirement from my longest period of employment but don't actually claim my pension yet. My DH is more than happy to provide for me financially although our DC have long since left home. I have access to all joint accounts and credit cards. DH reckons me being at home much of the time means he has been free to really accelerate his own career. The main thing here is that we are both completely happy with this arrangement. You don't seem happy with your arrangement OP. You really need to sit down and talk to your DH if he will engage. Meanwhile you should think about getting a job if divorce might be on the cards.

@frozendaisy 'threatened to get a job'? If you want a job you should get one.

This is a disgraceful answer.

Clearly, your private and political feeling is that both in a couple should work.

Equally clear is that this couple did not think like you.

Things are now changing for this couple.

There is no reason to be so aggressive with the op calling her deprecating names like sponger.

@yesmen the post you are replying to is absolutely spot on.

Maybe being a SAHM until age 7/8 is justified.

But being a "SAHM" to a 16 year old and a 21 year old is nothing more than being a sponger. By that age they are totally self sufficient beyond being driven places - but they can get public transport if needed. OP has received £12k a year and extra on credit cards to sit around at home and do things that most people manage to get done in the evenings and on the weekends. There's no excuse.

As well as caring for DC as they grew up did you and do you still do all house work and cooking or does he do his share? I'd speak to him if you do all housework and suggest he lowers your allowance to £600 pcm and point out the alternative would be for you to get a job outside of the home so then he'd have to do half housework and cooking. Could you get a part time job? You might find you enjoy getting out of the house and meeting new people. I hope you've paid NICS or else you won't have a pension.

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids (4 & 2) and we have a joint account which I have access to for household costs and costs relating to the kids (grocery shop, days out, kids clothes) DH just tops up this account when needed.
I have my personal account that DH pays in £500 pcm which my own spending money (covers clothes, mobile phone, nights out, etc)

I can't see that staying the same once our kids are past the age of 16, why should it? There's be nothing stopping me getting a job at the point

How do we manage finances ? Well ,we discuss finances together, we make joint decisions and plan for our future together …isn’t this how marriage is meant to work,SAHM or not? I’m never going to be able to work again due to ill health post kids so I also thank my lucky stars ...but it’s why marriage vows include the stuff about good times and bad.

Oh I most certainly do not want a job!
I earn money when I want
Life is far too short for me to have an unneeded job, all of our lives would be much less enjoyable.

We work together so we both do what we are good at and enjoy in terms of contribution to the children, the household and each other.

Our underlying philosophy is to have minimal drudgery between us. We work together towards this. Obviously we have to do some drudgery, that's just life.

So H swans around playing with super computers I swam around painting pictures. Everyone is happy.

So no I don't want a permanent salaried job and I am lucky (spoilt entitled I guess some might say) that I have that choice. But this doesn't diminish my continued contributions to everyone and everything I need to and where I am most lucky, I am fully aware, is I have am amazing H who understands, desires this. Our marriage gets happier, if that's possible, or remains as happy as the day of our wedding. Actually no it improves with the passage of time.

H having nothing to do at home has given him as much time as possible to be a dad. That is time that he will never be able to repeat. This is the sort of thing that he will forever appreciate me for. That time was/is priceless to him. One of the many reasons I love him.

So I can advise on being a "kept woman" as some might see it, H is also a "kept man", if H didn't value what I do as equal but different then that is a different discussion, I wouldn't be doing it. It's not what you do or how or who earns "THE MONEY" it's attitudes to each other and their contributions towards everyone's lives. It seems like a lot of people on here don't agree. That's fine too. Different paths work for different people.

(And if I wanted to have a job I could it would be accommodated, if it was a job a was happy to do, the "threatened" was tongue in cheek).

The hatred for the perception of being a "kept woman" forgetting what that enables the earner to have and achieve is weird, to me. And I'm glad it's weird.

Here it's all money into one account and it's all family money.