SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

We have never had a joint account except to save for our wedding and been together 28 years. We both always worked though I have retired early now. A few adjustments have been made over the years so we were both left with decent amounts after bills.

We have never truly mixed money because we have our own investment portfolios and we want autonomy to make decisions.

What pension provision if any do you have and how many years did you claim child benefit if at all and what is the state of your NI contributions?

Is he your dad??

You haven't mentioned any reason why you can't work, so I'm assuming there isn't. I was a sahm and everything was paid for and then split equally, it still is, but I was only at home prior to dc starting school, I then immediately got a job.

Why haven't you got a job? Why should he give you money?

Never had a joint account tbh. Not sure why. I have always wanted a separate one so I can freely spend as I want. Although he has encouraged me to use the credit card for anything I want.

I know he doesn't not have a pension as we have a number of properties that are usually rented out. Sometimes these can be empty or require work done to them. I don't have a pension either.

I used to be a teacher but left that when we got married. My point is that since I have been the SAHM, I have helped him progress. The monthly contributions to my account should continue I feel as I still look after the washing, cooking and cleaning.

SAHM is not the right title here - more like ‘kept woman’.

😆

The monthly contributions to my account should continue I feel as I still look after the washing, cooking and cleaning.

Most people wash, cook and clean AND work.

How does he feel about it?

Well what does he say when you ask him?

The monthly contributions to my account should continue I feel as I still look after the washing, cooking and cleaning.

Right, but you're not a paid employee. It is more like a dividend from a business that you're a shareholder in. And when the business is bringing in less money, the dividends reduce.

If neither of you have a pension you have bigger things to worry about, really. Sounds like it's time for a financial overhaul.

Presumably you and your husband have talked about this at length over the years, your children's ages were always looming. How are his finances more broadly? Do you need to get out to work? There is less financial benefit to you only doing washing and cooking when the kids are grown and not needing childcare, was this always the plan? Were you on the same page?

The monthly contributions to my account should continue I feel as I still look after the washing, cooking and cleaning

That just made me spit out my tea 🤣.

Says the household income has reduced. I feel my contributions in the house are suffieicnt however to warrant the allowance.

The one non negotiable of us both working full time was a weekly cleaner. We share the other bits and it's really not a struggle. Dd is 12 and we've both been full time since she could get herself to school and back. You could do part time supply and easily pull in £1k a month but I'd look to maximise your pension too.

In all fairness it would probably be cheaper for him to hire a cleaner.

Go out and get a job.

Wow some of the comments are really nasty.

We don't have a joint account. I am in charge of finances and log into DH's bank account and transfer the money into my account to pay all the bills, save, invest, etc. We discuss big purchases but otherwise I spend what I want. I've always been financially prudent and DH trusts me.

Says the household income has reduced. I feel my contributions in the house are suffieicnt however to warrant the allowance

So.. did you tell him that that and what was his reply? 🤔

I hope he reduces it to zero and gets rid of you.

It sounds like a good solution would be for you to get a job and then hire a cleaner who is also happy to do things like laundry/ ironing. If you used to be a teacher then look for TA jobs, most are likely to be short days as well, 8:45-3:15 for example. That would give you an income without the entire financial burden being on your husband.

The properties are there to provide a pension in latter years.

I was asking about a divorce beforehand and these would be split between us. He is not too bothered if this were to happen TBF and always said he will give me half.

Think he prefers his boxing and cycling more than worrying about finances.

What is that 1k per month supposed to cover?

If you are using that for bills, food and shared household expenses, then he should still support covering those.

If it is 1k just for you, then I can understand why it would be reduced.

Agree with others that you could always work part-time if you wanted to top up your own allowance.

When I was a SAHM - finances were completely pooled and we had equal access (same as now - I was only a SAHM for a couple of years though, but part-time after that).

Why don't you know what your husband is thinking regarding the finances? Being a SAHM and then a homemaker/carer is a major financial decision when you factor in pensions too. Have you discussed pensions with your DH? Finances are discussed quite a lot in our house (especially pensions) and with a financial advisor/planner now and again. From a state pension point of view you stopped being a SAHM four years ago - have you and your DH factored all this in?

How has household income reduced with the kids leaving school?

This is the time to make a change op. Your life revolves around drudgery and a man you don't love. You need to set you both free, get a job and take responsibility for yourself. A life with no stress is really bad for us and you need more purpose than propping up someone else's career. It sounds miserable

I don’t think SAHM is the right description for your role here.
If you are worried about your income then I would suggest getting a job.

@AndStilliRise - your whole setup is very odd. Why have you not worked all these years? Why do you think you are due an allowance?

Why are you sleepwalking through your life?

A SAHM to a 16 year old and a 21 year old who has moved out?
Now I really have heard everything

Get some self respect and a job