SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

All accounts are joint. I run the account into which DH's salary comes into. All bills, savings, investments etc go from there. DC is 1.

Just too add he is not controlling about the cash or investments. In fact, he seems to care very little about it.

As long as there is more coming in than going out, husband is not too bothered.

I don't have to ask permission or have a discussion if I want to buy something, small or big. I was fed up with my car a couple of years ago and bought one using the credit card a couple of years ago and he just shrugged his shoulders and said I hope you got good money for last one.

I raised the question has I was not sure how everyone who was a SAHM had finances arranged. It does seem I have a good deal :)

So why has he been suggesting you get a job?

We’ve had the same system for 32 years of marriage regardless of who was earning what. My DH has always earned more than me and I have had a variety of employment situations: FT work before DC, SAHM until youngest went to school, PT jobs whilst they were at school then FT teaching for several years. As I said DH has always earned more so our system has always been to have three bank accounts. Both salaries go into account 1 and all bills, mortgage, household purchases come out of there. We then have a personal account each and a set amount (same for each account) goes into each of those each month for our own personal spending. When we were first married and had very little money it was £30 a month and we have put it up over the years as funds allowed. It means that there has always been complete equality financially speaking, regardless of who earns what. When I was a SAHM it meant that I still had personal spending money on the same terms as DH. None of this ‘allowance’ business with the person earning the most giving the other partner money, it was all joint money and we took/take the same amount from it each.

This is exactly the same set up as us.

We have one account and it's joint. We are a unit and so all money is OUR money. I've never understood why women let me hold the purse strings if they are SAHM. It's so controlling and unbalanced.

Maybe because it isn’t a question of “let”.

whoever earns the money holds the purse strings. The money is theirs, and it is paid to them. If you aren’t earning the money, you are completely dependent on the other person.

if they decided tomorrow that they would stop paying their wage into a joint account, and have it paid into a sole name account, nothing you can do.

then if you want to leave, how? You have no access to money, where do you get a deposit from for a new place. Where do you get the money from to buy food? If you’re a sahm you have a child, but no money to pay for childcare.

it is very easy to become trapped in a relationship for financial reasons. We’ve just found out my poor mil has had no access to her own money for the last 4 years. We had to help her leave and completely finance her-she couldn’t even order a taxi to the station as she had no money for fare or train tickets.

My first thought was you should get a job you cheeky mare! But then you said you have properties you rent out, so where is that money going? If you both own the properties, it’s both your income, although you have to pull your weight in terms of maintaining them.

Are you just ignoring this question asking why you say you can only get a simple admin job or work in a supermarket, @AndStilliRise ?

Why can’t you get any other jobs, eg like the teaching job you are qualified for?

Have you been disqualified from working with children?
Do you live in an island with no schools (though if there are admin offices and supermarkets, it suggests not)?

it Is simple really, she is overqualified for junior jobs and she doesn’t have any recent experience for professional jobs. Ageism will not help either.

She needs to retrain to bring her qualifications up to date or start working in unskilled jobs. Administration has become more skilled and sector oriented over the years, having a good telephone manner, being well presented and quick at typing simply does not cut it anymore. Good IT skills plus experience in whatever sector you plan to work tends to be essential for admin jobs these days.

Long gone are the days when any SAHM could walk into a school and get a paid job as a teaching assistant. Most teaching assistant roles are now taken by very experienced teachers who enjoy teaching but not the massive red tape it comes with these days.

Obviously, there are cases where a person who has spent a long time unemployed has easily gone back into their previous profession but these are very very rare. The job market is more competitive than it used to be, many of more skilled jobs that ask only for a-levels are not really asking just for that, it is just a gimmick to keep the salaries low as they know a person with just A-levels will not stand a chance against all other more experienced or qualified applicants.

Going back to work after a substantial career gap is not difficult, but going back to a skilled/professional job is far more difficult than people imagine. It requires starting back from 0 (unskilled job or retraining) at a time ageism is working against you. Hence a little more understanding, and considerably less judgemental attitudes, are needed to support SAHM women facing these challenges.

Spot on!OP post is staggeringly full of entitlement.
1K a month so you can be independent?
You are the very opposite. I consider it a privilege to be a sahm when your children are very young if circumstances allow that but to be complaining about having your allowance reduced when your kids are over 16 is taking the proverbial

What a ridiculous post.

If you don't pay for shipping or bills, what on earth do you spend £1k on?

Why would you continue to get the same random spending money if your household income has reduced substantially?

How bizarre.

This! At 16 & 21 the kids don’t really need any looking after! If you want more money time to get a job!

Hi op can you work now the kids are not young now.. I went back work once kids in school. Your own money is good too

You're unemployed not a SAHM - get a job?

I haven’t gone back to work after caring for my Mum with Dementia for health reasons ( Not claiming any benefits) She had to go in a home in the end . My husband puts £75 a week in my account so I have some independence. I was getting Carers Allowance before. I managed on that and I am quite happy.
Although I have had to ease back a little because of my health I walk and play with the dog. Most of the housework and gardening I do. Son has just come back home after being at Uni so is used to looking after himself.
I do think you have to do what is right for you . All those saying about having fuller lives working and bringing up children what about all the couples who have split due to the pressure and resentment and who does what.

OP here, I have read all of your replies and gratefull for all of them.

In all truthfulness, husband has always earned enough money for all of us. There was no need for me to work. He has always suggested I do though as he really enjoys his work, colleagues and environment, although can be stressful at times.

I have some resentment towards him, not quite sure why but it does not seem to bother him too much. In fact, he rarely seems concerned about finances.

Household income has reduced due to the state of the tech market. Which in turn has had a reduction in household spending.

Not as cash rich as we once were hence the reduction to the allowance.

Okay, but other than saying that you do not 'need' to work because he earns enough.......... you still haven't explained why you choose not to work?

So, you don’t have as much money spare as a household as you used to have (as things have got more expensive) but you still aren’t explaining why you can’t just get a job. So what if he goes for a long bike ride on a Sunday and is tired!? I’m sure the cooking/cleaning/shopping will still get done.

Why don’t you teach for 3/4 days a week?

Why do you say the only job you could take now would be in a supermarket? You're a qualified teacher - schools are desperate for teachers and teaching assistants. You could even be part time.

Sorry! To answer your question. I've been a SAHM but plan to go back to work outside the home when my youngest is at secondary school. We have a joint bank account and joint credit cards. We budget together.

Why do you resent him?

maybe he resents you for leaving him with the sole financial responsibility:

I’m the main earner and it can be stressful knowing if my job goes we’re in the shit. At least she works part time so we have a buffer.

I’d imagine he resents you too for staying home
for so long when your children were old enough years ago for mum to get a job. So what if it’s only admin work etc. I agree with him that it will be good for you to have a life outside of home as your nest will be empty soon and it’s incredibly hard for those who don’t have a life outside of their children / their home.

He’s been encouraging you to get a job.
i think it’s the principle really, even if the job is low paid, you are earning your own money and contributing rather than getting an allowance / handout from him.