SAHM - How do your fiance's work?

[AndStilliRise]

I have always been a SAHM, looking after our 2 boys (16/21). One has moved out and the other is finishing his GCSE.

Since we have been married (25yrs), my husband has always paid for everything. He has given me a credit card to use as I want but he also provides a monthly allowance which gets deposited into my account (£1k pcm) which allows me some independence.

I suspect with the second child, close to being an adult he may reduce or remove the allowance. Although the credit a will remain. This is in turn, that his finances have also reduced.

Just for clarity, would anyone else be able to describe their situation, as I feel this is unfair. It will leave me with no income.

This has really made me laugh. I cook , clean and wash. I don’t consider that housework is a job, unless you are employed as a housekeeper in someone’s house.
Find yourself a job and then you wouldn’t need an allowance. Your DH could then use the money he pays you to hire a cleaner.

1k is a lot of fun money, but I suppose it depends on the context of how much there is in total.

I'm surprised on an income that allows that, you don't 1. Have a cleaner and 2. Eat out a lot.

OP, with respect in a few years you wont be a SAHM, you’ll just be an unemployed woman.
What do you do all day?
we have an 18 and 16 yo and literally all we have to do for them is laundry and cooking. At that age SAHM couldnt even be described as a part-time job!

To add we both work full time and have a cleaner.
The children are no more work than we are.
I was a SAHM for about 9 years until the youngest went into year 2.
joint account for all household stuff and equal personal spending into our own accounts.

Presumably you were a sahm by mutual agreement? It’s not fair for him to cut you off with nothing now, as one of the things you sacrificed by becoming a sahm was future earning potential. People who don’t recognise this (and worse call you an “sponger”) are the worst sort of misogynists. You are financially vulnerable because you gave those years to your family.

That said, it sounds like this would be a good time to rethink finances- he has less money and you presumably have a lot more time. I’d start looking into jobs you could get-I think you’ll find working gives you all sorts of benefits. It might take a while to find the right fit as you have been out of the workplace for a while but you can do it. What did you do before children? What qualifications do you have?

I’ll be honest though- if your husband genuinely proposes you have no access to money at all, that is financial abuse.

If the household income has reduced, it’s only fair that the budget reduces in all categories.

Anyway…you asked for IRL experiences, so here’s mine:

• SAHM: no “allowance” given—just used the CC for day-to-day purchases and told him when I needed cash transferred to my current account for whatever reason. Or took cash from the joint account, but only after a conversation, as all of the direct debits were allocated to the joint account, and I didn’t want to take money which was earmarked for bills.
• PT working once all DCs were in school/nursery: still used the CC for day-to-day spending, but no longer needed to ask for cash. PT hours ramped up as the kids got older and I got a promotion, so I reduced my joint CC purchases (which he pays) accordingly.
• FT working/promotion once all DC were at secondary school: no longer use the joint CC, and we have assigned ourselves bills which we pay, which align with our incomes. Eg, I pay the mortgage, pet expenses, DC expenses, mid-week top-up shop; he pays for holidays, council tax, cars/maintenance, house maintenance/insurance, utilities, Saturday shop. We re-assess occasionally and swap out bills if required.

I think communication is key and you both need to be aligned on what your current economic situation is and who should be responsible for what. You also need to be aligned on your financial goals and how you will achieve them. I don’t necessarily think a financial agreement you came to years ago should be set in stone, forever and ever, amen. It should reflect your current earnings/outgoings/future goals and be adjusted accordingly.

Your husband could get his cooking cleaning and washing done for far less than the cost of feeding and housing an adult dependent for another 30 years or so and paying them a thousand pound a month on top. You are far and away enjoying the better end of this arrangement, and bluntly, need him a lot more than he does you, as the services you provide are replacable, whereas you would struggle greatly to find another man to keep you in these circumstances.
I don't say this to belittle you, but more that I think you need a reality check here. Your bargaining power rests entirely on his goodwill. So you need to either be persuasive rather than demanding, or if you feel that's not what you want to do, gain financial independence.

I think you need a proper conversation with him rather than guesstimating. If his income is reducing then it's natural that you both have to cut your cloth accordingly. Would you consider picking up some work - something connected to your properties, or maybe something part-time elsewhere, maybe as a TA or whatever else takes your fancy? Assuming you have more time on your hands now that your children are older, it could be a good time to start thinking about the future more generally?

Time to get back to work. I believe that there's a shortage of teachers.

Why will your husband's income be reducing ? is he retiring

Why would you think he may reduce your allowance ?

but

won't you still have the credit card ?

I*t will leave me with no Income
*
You know what will give you an income OP?

A Job.

You don't have a private pension, despite having 1k a month for fripperies for the last 25 years.

I'm assuming that if you haven't worked for 25 years you don't have full credits for a state pension either.

You and your husband have properties in lieu of a pension; whose name are these in?

Your husband doesn't have a private pension (due to the properties).

You have no work history for 25 years.

If he leaves you, what happens?

OP will have pension credits for the years that she she claimed child benefit (even if she didn’t collect it by being over the income threshold).

Nonsense.

I am a SAH, have been since first maternity leave, teens now, and I can assure you as far as H is concerned I cannot be replaced.

I have threatened to get a job on a number of occasions.

So bluntly put he needs me as much I I need him.

If you receive child benefit, even if you don't now, you get pension credits until youngster is 12 so there will be, 17 years of pension credits.

She has half the rental property portfolio. Which might easily be £3k a month once their mortgages are paid.

You are making out like they haven't made any plans which they clearly have.

If you use it for food shopping instead of the credit card for 2 adults, 1/2 teenagers, it's not as much as you think.

Depends how much is used to cover household expenses.

Role reversal in my house with DCs around the same age 17-19.

We have always had joint accounts. If household income fell we would have less to spend or save of course.

If the sahd expected to maintain the current level of spending money I would also say he had to find some work himself.

Not sure how anything else could be fair?

Yeah, all of this. It could be that all these properties mean you have a good income and plenty of money/assets for your pensions. Or they could be barely covering their costs and you could be teetering on the edge of bankruptcy.

Plus the OP could be more or less a lady of leisure that does a bit of housework. Or she could be doing the lion's share of managing their property business.

OP you need to talk to your DH and work out your life goals. Does the family need more income? Could you downsize the property portfolio? Can you work (more) on the business so outside services aren't needed (cleaning, decorating, managing tenants etc)?

Plus look at your state pension forecast to see what gaps need topping up - you'll have some contributions due to being a SAHP parent of a qualifying child for about 17 years and you say you were a teacher, but you're still probably short of a full state pension. Moneysaving Expert has a step by step guide to topping up for the least cost.

SAHM - I have £1500 p/m paid into my account by XH and from that I pay for all:

Food shopping for the four of us

Kids school lunches

Household stuff like toiletries , cleaning stuff

Kids clothing and uniforms , shoes and trainers etc

Kids activities and tutoring sessions ( £80 per week on tutors at the moment )

Kids pocket money/allowanace

Random stuff the kids need money for.

School trips including school ski holidays

Travel costs for kids getting to school

Petrol for the family car ( DH occasionally pays if it happens to need filling up while he's out driving

My clothes and shoes etc )

My social life

If I need more I just let him know but I manage the budget fine most months.

DH covers all household bills , school fees , car loan and car maintenance and insurance costs. He also saves a lot each month to pay for holidays and home improvements/maintenance and he pays for all meals out and family days out.

It's worked well over the years. DH and I have been married almost 30 years now and I've been a SAHM for 18 of those. I worked for 20 years before that and had saved enough to pay off my half of the mortgage in a lump sum by the time I stopped work.

I now have a 16 year old and an 18year old. Had planned to return to work but DD16 has a chronic illness that requires a lot of management by me still. When she transfers to adult care and can drive herself to her many medical appointments I can think about getting a job. At the moment I'm a volunteer for a local organisation that assists the elderly.

That's DH not XH!

Why?
If they can afford for her not to, ok with some compromise, why does she need to go back to work?

If he won't lift a finger at home and you know this before you get a job, so what you do that and he expects the same domestically pampered lifestyle and he keeps all his cash? Yes if he's willing to split everything else but will he? We don't know that.

Everyone is talking like the mental load of a household and the domestic labour is dispensable. And it just isn't. Work towards a household is work salary or not. It's this devaluing of domestic and family contributions that continue to keep women, mostly, downtrodden in the home.

Yes you can pay a cleaner, buy take aways, but would they love you, let you off load, check out for you, cere for you, be your life partner squabbling on the couch, talking, laughing in the evenings with you? You know that bits of life that make it worth living? Is getting a hooker to suck your cock or going on endless tinder dates really cheaper? And is it more desirable than having an intimate long relationship with someone you love? Is hiring a nurse to tend to your sweaty brow bringing you drinks and medicines when ill cheaper?

Yes you can outsource everything if you want, but it sounds like a sad, lonely existence. And you can't outsource a long loving caring fun amazing trusting sexy marriage with the other parent of your children.

Yes OP does sound a little bit spoilt, I'm totally spoilt and I know that, so advice on how she can talk to H moving forward, whilst she still might get to be spoilt, that's up to them.

They have a long marriage with assets. She isn't financially vulnerable.

People who view relationships as business deals are missing out on so much that makes life enjoyable.

Exactly this.

I'm not a SAHM as such but earn 10% of what DH earns, I work for myself part time only. Everything goes into the same account. Day to day spending we just use the credit card / joint account, neither of us would ever spend larger sums without discussion.

Op. You haven’t been a stay at home mum for a long time. And I’m stunned you’re taking credit for him progressing in his career. How embarrassing for you.

get a job.

Have I just logged in to the 1950s? Get a job!

But if it wasn't for me my H wouldn't be where he is and it isn't just housework it involves support clarity confidence and love.

He would be the first to say this and does remind everyone from time to time.

Not everyone is separate in their marriages.