We had an affair

[username098765]

I know I will get a lot of hate for this which I know I deserve.
Several years ago I had a fling with a friend, we were both in bad places at the time and it was no more than that. 18 months ago we started having an affair, he was married. 12 months ago he left his wife and we have been together since. I know how awful this is and it's no excuse but he was massively unhappy. He has a young ds who I am not allowed to see - I understand why. His parents won't have anything to do with me don't want to hear anything about me - fair enough. I know it's incredibly unlikely but has anyone been in this situation before and things turned out ok? Obviously he'd like me to be part of ds life in time but I can't ever see it happening. We know we have done wrong and I don't need anyone telling me that. We can't help how we feel and it wasn't a decision we made lightly.

You aren't the first or the last. Remember that you are ones who did wrong, be patient with ex wife. Time heals a lot, if you're in it for the long haul.

What does 'ok' look like for you? Are you happy having a boyfriend you know you can't trust?

It's unclear if you were in a relationship when the affair started, and if you're still in one now? I'm assuming not.

Ultimately there's nothing you can really do about this, it's for him to manage. Eventually his ex-wife (are they divorced?) will need to accept you having some role in her son's life, but it is very early days, particularly if they aren't yet divorced.

Whilst I can understand why you don't want a load of replies berating you for having an affair - it's done now and can't be changed - your comment We can't help how we feel suggests that you don't fully accept you both made a poor decision. He could have separated from his wife before your relationship started. You both chose not to do that. The response of his ex and his parents is at least partly coming from that perspective.

If I were his mum, I would want to hold off having any relationship with you until I knew if your relationship with him was going to have any longevity. I think the only thing you can do is be patient, but I would be clear with your DP that he can't live two lives forever, one with everyone else in it and one with you in it.

I’ve been married for 17 years to my affair partner. I still feel guilty and expect to get hate on here but no one knows what is going on unless they are in your shoes. His DC were older when we got together and fully accept us. His ex wife has been with her partner for 15 years. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy but you have made the decision and now you have to make it what you can.

What do you want people to say? That you'll live happily ever after together? Statistically that's highly unlikely. Studies show that affair relationships rarely last with more than 75% ending within 5 years. Hardly surprising seeing as they are built on a foundation of deceit and betrayal.

No hate here! (Even though my dd's dad left me for an AP. Shit happens. Why would I have wanted him to stay with me unhappy? I didn't own him just because we got married. People are allowed to change their minds, and life can get messy for most of us. )

My parents got together through an affair - dad was married with a kid at the time. Still together 59 years later! If affairs didn't happen I wouldn't exist!

You haven't slaughtered a load of babies, you've fallen in love. The extreme hate for people who have affairs on here is one thing I quite dislike about this site (other things I like obviously else I wouldn't be here).

It's irrational. It seems to be treated as worse than murder.

Theft also - taking someone's property, even a bit of shop lifting, regarded as the work of the devil. I don't get it.

It's all about possession I suppose.

If I were you I would let go of the shame. You didn't kill anybody. You slept with a married man. As countless others have done and will do.

It's ok.

you lose them how you get them

Focus on building. Building your future.

Be extremely low key where it matters, for however long it takes.

And aside from that, BUILD your happy future.

Depends what you're hoping for really. His ex is probably never going to love you, his family may never welcome you with open arms, his kid might hate you once they realise you're the reason his family isn't together anymore. Or eventually time might heal the wounds and his family might warm up to you. Who knows. Depends how much damage his affair did to them. If you're content to just have him and a future with him, don't worry too much about the family for now and remain as low key as possible, focus on just the two of you while the dust settles. You might be ok.

I'm just not sure why you'd even want to be with someone who's read you the script. He was so unhappy only your vagina could cure it! They all say that, tale as old as time. So what happens when he's unhappy with you? How could you ever trust someone like that? I'm not trying to be goady, I'm genuinely asking how you can trust someone who'd prioritise his penis over his wife and child?

I find this point of view strange... No you didn't own him but he agreed to marry you. Which meant he vowed to stay faithful to you etc. He obviously didn't respect you very much to not speak to you and say he was unhappy and wanted to end the relationship before starting a relationship with someone else!

You'll always be looking over your shoulder for as long as you're with him.

Not me, but a very good friend of mine. In his case, everyone accepted it over time and he is still very happily married to the woman he had an affair with. After being persona non grata for the first few months, she has gone on to forge a very close bond with his daughter from his first marriage.

I disagree that "it's OK" to sleep with a married man. Because you were conceived in this way, you've allowed yourself to justify it as the norm. When people choose to marry, they should be choosing to commit for life, not changing their minds and banging the next hot piece who comes along. Just be single if that's the kind of life you want.
I know too many broken women to say it's fine to have affairs. It's rightly seen as immoral and disgusting.

To you op, I wish you hadn't chosen to be the catalyst of destruction and had instead not allowed your mind to focus sexually on your married friend. This is why it is important to guard your thoughts and to make sure you absorb things that you know are healthful. I can't know if you will live happily ever after, nor can anyone else in this chat. You might as well just make the most of it and enjoy it now that you have what you wanted

Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don’t. Even when they do, you’ll almost certainly have to deal with family resentment, hurt etc on the way. It depends on how much you’re prepared to deal with.

Karma has a way of working these things out. A man I was with had an affair and married her... He's already cheating on her. What goes around comes around and you reap as you sew... He will do the same to you some day, more or less guaranteed lass

This is nonsense. I see this trope on MN often - ‘once a cheater…’

Many people have affairs simply because their marriage is not happy. It doesn’t mean they’re always going to be unfaithful to a partner.

Some people find monogamy impossible, but just as many leave unhappy relationships to be with someone they can be faithful to because they’re happy and in a much better relationship.

Is just like to add we did not sleep together before he left his wife. I know that doesn't make it any better.

I trust DH until he gives me reason not to. The day that happens is the end for us, even after thirty years together. I couldn't be with someone I cannot trust and you can't surely?
His wife, who probably thought she could trust him, married and had his DC. He lied and cheated on her. That's the only facts you know, the rest of your OP sounds like the cheater's script. If that is the foundation on which your relationship is made then I'd be concerned for the future, even if the family grow to love you.

I wouldn't worry, your relationship won't last.

This is never going to go well for YOU op. His parents won’t have anything to do with you, but I assume they still see him? You aren’t allowed to see his child, but he obviously is? It’s a massive double standard but that is the society we live in….the OW will always be the pariah. And, I have to be honest, I do have some time for that. He was married with a young child, what TAF were you thinking? And please, do not trot out the “he was soooo unhappy”. A decent man can be unhappy, kindly extricate himself from his relationship and THEN move on. No one HAS to have an affair.
The only, truly honest answer is that you were both only thinking about yourselves. And now it comes home to roost. He’s the “dad” so he gets more leeway. You are just the “ow” and it will ever be thus. It’s the choice you made but I agree it’s shit that you pay the higher price.

Relationships start in many ways. Yours started in less than ideal way, but it is what it is. What matters now - is how it develops.
If you stay together long term - 20 years from now no one will remember how it all started.

Has he gone through actual divorce? Does he have a court agreed child arrangement order - and is he being fair to his exW?
This is what matters now.

As to you ‘not being able to meet the child’ - this is wrong. This is his exW taking her pain on the child. Their relationship is over - sadly, but still. The father is in a new relationship - and exW can’t dictate if child meets the new partner.

Your bf needs to stop his guilt to prevent him from standing up for what is best for the child. And in this case - IF you think you are serious and will be long term - the sooner the small child gets introduced - the better. It will make his adjustment to this new situation easier.

In the case of my in laws it's twenty years on now and FIL is still with the woman he left MIL for after 20 years of marriage and 4 kids.

It probably started to be OK after about 10 years. She wasn't invited to our wedding as it was the same year he'd left nor to eldest SILs 5 years later but was to youngest SIL's wedding after about 10 years. Still caused some controversy and upset about seating arrangements even by then.

It was less raw and personal for me than for DH of course and I've always been kinda OK with her. I always felt it takes 2 to tango and why should she have all the blame but obviously he's not my dad. It was quite a few years before DH would have them both round to our house and to this day we've never invited them to stay over. I think it would be OK now actually but we've all got used to the status quo.

So yeh eventually you will be grudgingly accepted if you're in for the very long haul.

I know 2 couples where it happened. Always seems to be the man that is married with a child.
They are still together decades on and as happy as they can be. But relatives and friends remember, it’s a bit awkward, I often smile when I hear either of the 2 women (they are the ones I know) rant about something or other being awful or immoral or nasty, I think hmm how ironic. Without the green light from the woman affairs don’t happen. Both women set out to poach the married man. The men initially were just having a bit of fun, but when caught by the wife were both in the doghouse so chose the ow.

A friends mum left her and her siblings as children and dh for another man, that didn’t work out, the new man dumped her after a few years.

When I say these woman are my friends, they are in my friend circle. I do not have any respect for them, and neither do quite a few of the others.

Also FIL is getting on now and starting to run into health issues. His 2nd wife is younger than him. It is becoming less possible to have a relationship independent of the person who is increasingly caring for him even if we wanted to. (I think MIL is thinking she dodged a bullet as she is still very fit, well and active and can enjoy her independence).

You won't get any judgement from me. How are you doing?