We had an affair

[username098765]

I know I will get a lot of hate for this which I know I deserve.
Several years ago I had a fling with a friend, we were both in bad places at the time and it was no more than that. 18 months ago we started having an affair, he was married. 12 months ago he left his wife and we have been together since. I know how awful this is and it's no excuse but he was massively unhappy. He has a young ds who I am not allowed to see - I understand why. His parents won't have anything to do with me don't want to hear anything about me - fair enough. I know it's incredibly unlikely but has anyone been in this situation before and things turned out ok? Obviously he'd like me to be part of ds life in time but I can't ever see it happening. We know we have done wrong and I don't need anyone telling me that. We can't help how we feel and it wasn't a decision we made lightly.

And you will deserve it.

‘Oh cmon’ there’s always communication, relaying things to your partner, leaving on a good footing, they’re NEVER a get out of jail free card.

Especially when young children are involved.

So tired of this lazy approach and lazy argument. Good people can cope with ‘unhappy marriages’ without abusing their partners.

You both felt you had an absolute right to decide on the future life of a child

Not trying to be an infidelity apologist, but all divorces, whether infidelity was involved or not, affect a child's future.

A young child will feel just as sad and abandoned whether his parents divorced because they had a lousy sex life or fought constantly about money or one of the parents had an affair.

It's up to both parents to put the child's needs first and not use him as a weapon to exact revenge (ie constantly badmouthing their partner, withholding visitation etc).

Is he worth compromising your life? Surely you’ll end up resenting him.
personally I couldn’t respect a man who cheats.
Think you might realise this all at some point

That is not my point @CulturalNomad my point is exit affairs like this remove the right of one parent to make decisions about the upbringing and life of THEIR child.

OW or OM are having conversations with the cheat that literally decides on the future of a child who is NOT THEIRS!!! With an unaware parent. A ripping away of agency from one parent.

A mutual discussed separation does not do this.

This is the most sensible, balanced and mature post I have seen on mn about affairs.

If a relationship ends with no cheating, there will be less resentment and bad feeling.

Also, when parents split with no affair partner waiting, parents can spend those early days/weeks/ months after the split to make the children feel as secure as possible. If one is focused on the excitement of a new relationship, less so.

What a daft comment. How does the wife figure then?

Why is this topic so full of bullshit cliches?

A mutual discussed separation does not do this

Honestly though, many women are completely blindsided by a husband announcing he wants a divorce. Even if there is no affair, it's not a mutual decision, it's something unwanted that is being forced on them.

Again, not justifying infidelity by any means, but many divorces are one-sided and not something mutually agreed upon.

No such thing as karma. He cheated on you because he preferred her to you.

Unless you define karma as "wishful thinking"😂

Again not my point. If you have ever been in a situation where you find out that a woman who you DO NOT KNOW had had discussions with your husband around what is best for YOUR child, while they are sleeping with them, I think you’d understand. It is utterly horrendous.

It is very different to a separation that does not involve anyone else and it is disingenuous to liken it to one.

Ok 🙄

He cheated on her because he’s a selfish, disrespectful man. He could easily have ended the relationship if he wasn’t happy.

I think a lot of the men are pressured into leaving by the other woman. There are so many posts on here from women saying they never saw it coming. I bet your average cheating man wants to keep his wife unaware, whilst having a bit of fun on the side.

@Elasticatedtrousers I agree that as the one being cheated on I would find it horrendous and infuriating.

But my point is that to the child involved the feelings will be the same no matter the reason for the split. But that's assuming the adults exercise self restraint, resist the temptation to use the child as an instrument of revenge, and put the child's well-being above their own wants and desires.

....and???

The self restraint needs to happen before the split. Use it to not have an affair.

A split that happens without someone cheating will be easier to navigate. Less resentment, easier to co parent and therefore best for the children. The parents main focus will fr on the children, not on shagging new woman/man. Get the kids feeling secure, establish co parenting. Then move on with another relationship if you want to,

@CulturalNomad

A young child will feel just as sad and abandoned whether his parents divorced because they had a lousy sex life or fought constantly about money or one of the parents had an affair.

Eh? A young child is much more likely to be more negatively affected by an acrimonious split than an amicable one due to the ramifications the type of split will inevitably have on the dynamic of their two parents moving forwards. Surely that's obvious?

A family member of mine never got over her husband's affair. She was bitter and angry for around 17 years until she finally had a breakdown and was very close to the edge... Since then she's been on medication to help and has calmed down a lot but she still has that bitterness.
It may never get better, op

@CulturalNomad

But my point is that to the child involved the feelings will be the same no matter the reason for the split. But that's assuming the adults exercise self restraint, resist the temptation to use the child as an instrument of revenge, and put the child's well-being above their own wants and desires.

My mum never used me as an instrument of revenge and she always put me first. The chaos in the wake of my dad's affair was out of her control. Often the spouse who cheated sort of runs away head first into the relationship with their affair partner, leaving the cheated on spouse to pick up the pieces and take on the responsibility for the children and maintaining as much normality as possible for them.

A parent having an affair has exercises little self restraint (by not ending the relationship first) and has as a consequence put their wants and desires before their child's wellbeing.

I'm baffled as to how you can't see that the aftermath of an affair is often chaos for the spouse and children, as the cheater abdicates responsibility / emotional support for the kids, meaning it's much more likely to impact the kids negatively than leaving without cheating.

Two settled, calm coparents in separate homes, focusing on maintaining stability for the kids as they navigate their new normal vs unsettled situations and one parent having a new relationship to focus on at the time... how can you say the child will feel the same in both situations? Trust me, they don't!

young child is much more likely to be more negatively affected by an acrimonious split than an amicable one

Of course. But many divorces are acrimonious even when not instigated by an affair. And conversely many parents manage to navigate post divorce parenting well even if the initial breakup was caused by infidelity.

Now older children will certainly know what caused the divorce and are likely to have very strong negative feelings towards the parent who had the affair. The person who cheated should expect that they likely caused irreparable damage to their parent/child relationship.

Affairs aren’t just about sex.

In general though, second and third marriages are statistically less likely to stay intact than first marriages. This can be confirmed with a quick google. While the direct cause of those break ups may not be affairs, unhappy men do tend to wait until they already have a new prospect lined up before leaving the existing relationship.

But you said they would be equally affected by a split involving an affair or a split not involving one.

And now say of course an acrimonious split will have a more negative effect on the child.

Surely it's obvious that while any split can be acrimonious, the chance of that massively increases if one spouse cheats on the other?

Meaning an affair causing the split is more likely to negatively affect a child than someone leaving and setting themselves up as a single coparent before investing in a new relationship.