We had an affair

[username098765]

I know I will get a lot of hate for this which I know I deserve.
Several years ago I had a fling with a friend, we were both in bad places at the time and it was no more than that. 18 months ago we started having an affair, he was married. 12 months ago he left his wife and we have been together since. I know how awful this is and it's no excuse but he was massively unhappy. He has a young ds who I am not allowed to see - I understand why. His parents won't have anything to do with me don't want to hear anything about me - fair enough. I know it's incredibly unlikely but has anyone been in this situation before and things turned out ok? Obviously he'd like me to be part of ds life in time but I can't ever see it happening. We know we have done wrong and I don't need anyone telling me that. We can't help how we feel and it wasn't a decision we made lightly.

What rubbish. No, it's not 'ok'.

Giving the cheated spouse lifelong trust issues, mental health issues or even making them feel suicidal is not 'ok'.

Countless people doing the same doesn't make it ok. Murder has been going on for thousands of years.

You (and other people) happened to be born does not make it 'ok'.

People dislike cheaters because we have empathy for others, because nobody wants to be treated that way.

Well said! 👏👏 No one is perfect, we all make mistakes.

So me and DH have been together for over 2 years now. But we met when we were both in extremely miserable relationships (he had been married for 13 years) and I was in a 7 year relationship. We met at work and fell in love and we left our partners for eachother - never did anything until we was both single but as soon as we was split up from them we was moved in together within the month. Not ideal no, but no one knows what happens behind closed doors, I'd never judge anyone for something like this. It was hard as I was shunned by my family but they all came around a few months later and they absolutely love him now once they got their heads around it!!

OP, you don't sound like a terrible person despite being involved with this man. The only real answer to your question is to be kind and patient to the ex. Extend pleasant gestures.

Your choices are your own, as are your mistakes, and I’m going to just set all that to one side.
Time, time, time. Give it time, be patient and try to be understanding and tolerant. The pain the two of you chose to inflict on his ex wife and on their children is horrendous and that doesn’t go away overnight, if it does at all. You have not chosen an easy road.

I'm not going to judge you,you have already said its wrong,but just ask yourself this what if he is going through a difficult time again and he confides in another woman and starts an affair,would you be able to forgive that?

My DH’s father had an affair when his children were small and left the family, married the other woman. This was 30yrs ago. The now adult children have never met her, only sporadically and begrudgingly see their dad and the dad’s parents and siblings will still have nothing to do with her.

So I would prepare yourself for never being accepted and being disliked for life. Unfortunately, this is what you have ultimately risked and it is what it is.

Why do it for this sort of life? The above added to your partner being the type of husband who betrays his wife and child and who you will never really be able to trust. It’s the lowest form of character there is. You may tell yourself that you trust him, but you ultimately can’t – he is the character of person who cheats.

‘Unhappy’ is completely irrelevant. You extract yourself from an unhappy situation. His wife was not a support human to ensure someone was ‘happy’ enough not to cheat on her. And imagine that … if he’s not ‘happy’ enough he will cheat. You best hope your relationship never encounters any form of difficulty whatsoever.

If you spend any time reading the posts on 'relationships ', you hear how broken these women are when their partners/husband's cheat. I could never do that to another woman. Give the exwife time to grieve and heal. Feel for her.

A family member left her husband for her affair partner (the husband's best friend😱) and has now been married to the man for over 30 years. It's a happy marriage. There were no children involved though.

Her parents and her siblings were very cool (but never rude) to her partner but eventually accepted things and have had a good relationship for many years.

So, yes - I'd say it worked out.

My guess is that his parents will eventually thaw, especially if you two marry and they wish to see a lot of their son. As for his child, his ex can't actually stop you from seeing the boy. Hopefully your partner is putting the child's needs first right now, but when the time is right no doubt he'll become a part of your life.

It's obviously not an ideal situation but you're hardly the first person to have an extramarital affair and get a divorce. Ignore all the "Oooh Karma's gonna get you" nonsense...it's just not how life works.

Can’t help how you feel. 🙄

To get to the stage of having an affair, falling for someone etc, some amount of time and effort has to be put into it. When good people are in a relationship or know others are, they just don’t go there.

If someone is unhappy in a relationship, then they should communicate that and leave if that’s what they want. A clean break before moving on.

You and he took the scummy option. You’ll never be able to trust him, not truly, because you know he’s already cheated.

Most people I know that left for their affair partner, it didn’t last. Of the ones that have lasted so far, they’ve ultimately lost their kids or it’s impacted their relationship with their kids massively.

It’s just such a shit and unnecessary thing to do to someone.

Utter nonsense.

It is not 'ok' to lie to the person you've made a commitment to, put their sexual health at risk, cause (potentially lifelong) emotional damage and trust issues to the spouse and any children that might be in the picture.

Often those who cheat weren't unhappy in their marriage they were just trying to enjoy a side piece and rewrite the narrative of why they did it so they don't have to feel guilt over their selfish actions.

Even if they were unhappy - why didn't they leave first? It's still selfish if a person won't leave until they've found someome to cheat with...plodding along, using their partner for convenience or 'for the kids' until they've got their new life set up and then rip the carpet out from under their existing family, causing extra upheaval with an affair instead of just cleanly separating.

It's vile.

tribpot wrote me a poem years ago. Listen to her. (Waves at tribpot)

I think when there are affairs people get hurt. But I think affairs happen for a reason. Each situation is different. I’m saying this after an unhappy marriage ended fairly amicably. I know people who have had affairs and made it work and children were older and accepting eventually but it took time. I think your partner needs to work on his parents just because you both did something that affected their grandchild doesn’t make you a bad person altogether.

Yes. Let me tell you why.... It can work out but takes sooo much time.
My dad cheated on my pregnant mother and got another woman pregnant same time as my my mum. She divorced him
Rightly so and he Began a relationship with the affair woman.the woman was not welcome at my dads family house for years but my mum made sure he had contact with his child and that meant as he was with this woman that the child was around the woman.
That child was me.

My mother never fully trusted or recovered from
The trauma and embarrassment of this event and I had a different and difficult childhood.
I did not like my step mum as a child as expected after learning the truth.
The acts my father and his affair I never fully understood or got over myself but I'm
Lucky I had a good relationship with my dad and my mother was never that spiteful regarding me. I did start to probably get along better with my step mum when I had children of my own. They are still togther 30 years later.
So yes it can work out but the scars will
Always remain.

And also just to add. His family eventually did welcome his new partner after a few years but a few family members did not even after all this time which they expected.
Funny thing is though that he did also end up cheating on his Affair partner who ended up taking him
Back but she only had done to her what she had done to another person.

You really don't .. this is a fallacy..
Been married to my AP for 23 years.. he left for VERY specific reasons .

Me . My kids (my 4 his 5) are completely part of our lives .

Do you actually have any idea of the pain and destruction you have caused between you? Look up The Script online, he gave it to you about his unhappy marriage and you fell for it. The reality is his family may never accept you, and when it comes to his son you need to sit back down, wind your neck in and accept it for what it is for now. Time may help matters but there's no guarantees. You need to encourage him to maintain a good relationship with his son and uphold his responsibilities to both his son and his ex, this may help smooth the way over time. Then again it may not. My ex cheated when our DD was 3 months and he went straight to her when I kicked him out. They were married and pregnant within a year and by the time their DD was a toddler they were divorced as he'd cheated. I wouldn't get too comfortable if I were you. I know I could never be with someone who had cheated, the doubts in the back of my mind about whether he would be faithful to me would make me such an insecure mess! I also couldn't be in a relationship that was so unacceptable to so many key people in his life due to our behaviour. Ask yourself how long you're prepared to be in a relationship like this. The fact that you're here asking questions speaks volumes. Maybe it's time to slope off with your tail between your legs and lick your wounds. But whatever you do, learn from this and stop getting involved with married men!

O you aren't .. this is a fallacy.. sometimes people marry the wrong people ..

You can lose them regardless, so may as well strive for happiness.

He (and you) have removed the childhood memories of a little boy. I don’t give a monkeys what people think about this but all those bedtimes without daddy, all those stories never read, all those cuddles never had, all those illnesses she has to deal with on her own. You both absolutely deserve to feel awful. So tired of the utter selfishness of adults thinking they can have kids and then deserve their ‘happy’, often men running off with someone too broken to see how awful it all is.

Affairs are abusive, he has gaslighted, lied and manipulated her and you joined in the abuse of a woman with a young child. Glad that so many of his family are taking a stance and making it clear how utterly selfish and entitled you both are.

Oh and men that have affairs, when there are young children involved, often have huge issues not being put first all the time so enjoy the fall out if you have babies of your own.

Seriously can’t feel sorry for you at all.

If the King and Camilla have taught us anything, it’s that people get over anything with time.

‘We can't help how we feel and it wasn't a decision we made lightly’

And this line in itself shows the utter entitlement you both felt you had. You both felt you had an absolute right to decide on the future life of a child (who was not yours, his but not yours) without the child’s own MOTHER’S consent or knowledge.

It’s just too nasty for words.

You cant help how you feel, but adults can control how they act.

Action's have consequences. The likely hood of his ds having nothing to do with you lasting is low.

Eventually that will probably change.

My dd has a relationship with her dad & SM who started as an affair. She's an adult now. She loves him, but doesn't particularly respect him. His affair was just one of selfish decisions that he made through her childhood and around his relationship.

She has a very different relationship with me and her step dad my dh and always will. She also is in therapy for all the abandonment issues he caused as a result of his behaviour as an adult.

His family accept them, but it's a much cooler relationship.

As far as the happy and examples of successful post affair relationships.

Actually they have no idea if they have been cheated on. Once in life you cross a boundary it's easier and easier to do it. Pissed off, bored not feeling the centre of attention. Sex dropped off, kids driving you mad. Well if any one knows the kick of dopamine hit and affair brings. It's people who have had them.

I certainly wouldnt be saying my husband has never cheated on me, or was capable of doing it. And he hasnt ever had an affair as far as I am aware.

As for the way MM treats people who have affair. I think of them the same as domestic abusers. I havent ever in my life seen one that doesn't come with manipulation/gaslighting/financial infidelity and the removal of informed sexual consent.

What done is done. You both made your decisions part of that is accepting for some people their view of you and your relationship will always be coloured by your behaviour and choices.

But if that really mattered to you, you wouldn't still be in a relationship with him.

So if you want to stay, shore up your own self esteem, make sure you always keep your own income and worry less about what people think of either of you.

They do. But good people don’t have an affair and make sure they’ve got someone else lined up before leaving that will cause more hurt than necessary.

Good people communicate and leave the relationship without cheating. Then they move on. And if there’s kids involved, they get things stable for their kids first, make sure the kids are ok with 2 homes and have a mum and dad with as good a relationship as possible to co parent.

Good people don’t fuck around and get involved with someone else whilst still in a relationship, even if they ‘married the wrong person’.

Marrying the wrong person doesn’t make you a bad person. Leaving doesn’t make you a bad person. How you deal with things shows whether you are a good person or not.

Oh cmon, I don’t condone it any more than you do but no one absolutely no one should stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids.