We had an affair

[username098765]

I know I will get a lot of hate for this which I know I deserve.
Several years ago I had a fling with a friend, we were both in bad places at the time and it was no more than that. 18 months ago we started having an affair, he was married. 12 months ago he left his wife and we have been together since. I know how awful this is and it's no excuse but he was massively unhappy. He has a young ds who I am not allowed to see - I understand why. His parents won't have anything to do with me don't want to hear anything about me - fair enough. I know it's incredibly unlikely but has anyone been in this situation before and things turned out ok? Obviously he'd like me to be part of ds life in time but I can't ever see it happening. We know we have done wrong and I don't need anyone telling me that. We can't help how we feel and it wasn't a decision we made lightly.

Lay low and do not try and get involved with his family, especially his child. The least you can do is give his wife / ex wife the peace of mind that you won't be playing 'happy families' with her husband and her child. In the mean time you might want to focus on what you can do to obtain peace of mind for yourself... you don't sound happy.

I don't know if I could be truly happy in a relationship knowing how much hurt and upset it had caused people. I think it will probably take a lot of time for your partner's parents to come round and accept you and his ex will probably always dislike you and try and keep you away from her child. If you marry him and he has visitation at your home, she could make things difficult in lots of ways. You've chosen a difficult path OP and you will need patience and perseverance to sustain the relationship in the face of a lot of opposition.

Well said .

EVERY WORD OF THIS IS TRUE.
The OW in the demise of my marriage had two young children and a husband who was completely oblivious to her and my husband’s deceit. The reason my children are not allowed contact with the OW is the the toxic nature of their relationship. I am safeguarding my children against the emotional abuse I suffered at their hands.
Shame on you OP.

in general though, second and third marriages are statistically less likely to stay intact than first marriages

I always thought that was the case, but apparently not:

https://marriagefoundation.org.uk/research/second-marriages-are-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce-than-first/#:~:text=However%2C%20divorced%20couples%20who%20marry%20for%20the%20second,The%20Marriage%20Foundation%20and%20author%20of%20the%20report.

Approx half of all first marriages end in divorce while only a third of second marriages do.

but he was massively unhappy

My belief is that affairs are generally an attempt to self soothe/avoid dealing with emotions or emotional immaturity. It's why affairs tend to repeat because the affair is the symptom of ability to deal with life.

There are lots of healthy strategies to cope with unhappiness. Affairs are unhealthy coping strategies.

Op, perhaps time will help, nothing much you can do but accept that the picture of your life will be challenging.

I agree with this. My son is deeply damaged
by my ex husband leaving for his affair partner and subsequently being abandoned as OW was jealous and resentful of a little boy. I have made sure he's had lots of therapy and I've put his life before mine to ensure he's secure. Yet he still burst into tears in a shop the other day because of a Father's Day display. The damage runs deep and will be lifelong. As for me, it was singularly the worst thing I have ever experienced. I've had cancer and I've lost a parent young but the absolute violence of my husband's affair has ruined me. I don't think I will ever come to terms with it although we have a happy and peaceful life. I can't feel sorry for the OP, you reap what you sow.

I don't believe affairs are always as black and white as people like to make out on here. Yes, it's not a great way to start a relationship. Yes people get hurt.
But we are all human. Human nature is not perfect. Your dp obviously wasn't happy and content in his marriage or he wouldn't have been looking elsewhere.
I don't think it's fair for the ex to keep the son from you if it's purely from a place of spite and her own hurt. I also don't think your relationship is doomed and he's bound to do it again as other posters have alluded to.
Sometimes people are in miserable relationships, they meet someone who makes them happy and an overlap happens. It's not ideal but as I said, life isn't perfect.
I hope the family come around as it can't be easy for you to live with the disdain and I suspect it will take its toll on your relationship eventually. But no hate from me, and no shame on you.

I do not even know how you could look at his child having to be away from his mother and think you both deserve for everything to be "ok".

No, it won't be "ok". This will follow you everywhere. You'll spend your entire relationship either lying about how you got together or admitting your (plural your) shitty behaviour to people. The child will know. There will always be a hateful ex in the background. His family might come to tolerate your relationship, but they won't forget how you helped him blow up their grandson's family.

Is that the life you want?

Sorry, but that is just a complete load of garbage.

The op asked for advice, not for every ex-wife with an axe to grind to project onto her🙄

I actually think this does make it better. It shows that it wasn't just about sex.

No judgement here. I was once the OW too.

Life is complicated as are people & many, many people have these exit relationships that turn into better matched pairings.

It’ll take time & consistency on your side to mend these issues but it’s possible.

Karma would be if his affair partner cheated on him, giving him a taste of his own medicine. You're giving men a free sexual pass and holding women accountable for mens actions.

Not to the point of living together though. She was taken by helicopter to his house from hers when ever he was going to be flown to London for his cancer treatment. Then she went home on her own, and he went back to his own home as well.

if you think that’s a good role model for a marriage….
🙇‍♂️🥺

Very good point, fair play. She was just as bad too, knew about me and made her choice too. They deserve each other, both at fault. Hideous behaviour whoever does it but yea you're quite right of course.

So the alternative is that the father stays in an unhappy relationship with the mother purely for the sake of the child? Because nothing can go wrong there can it...

My partner's ex wife had an affair (now married to AP) and the children spend half their time with each parent. Despite the dislike my partner has for his ex wife's new husband, there's no way he would ever think he had the right to stop his children being part of their lives. It's totally unrealistic you not to be 'allowed' to meet your now partner's child. When their child is with him, it's up to your partner who they spend time with. I would address this as soon as you can. These things happen, and you had a history of friendship with your now partner. Yes, it would have been easier to wait a while after he had left his wife, but you can't change that now. It's still very early days and will be easier once she moves on properly. Good luck xxx

Is he happy having OP that he likewise knows he can't trust?

All the ridiculous people on here with their bitter comments such as ‘it won’t last’ etc You’ve met and got together in circumstances that aren’t ideal but it happens. You may last, you may not, that can be said of any relationship no matter how you get together. Time is a great healer and the people who have been hurt will gradually be less hurt.
There are people on here who blame women for every affair and think they only happen because the other woman ‘allows’ it to. It’s highly likely their husbands have left them and they’ll wallow in their Miss Havisham like bitterness until they accidentally set themselves on fire.

Goodness you’re on your high horse 😂
Child having to be away from its mother 😂
The child isn’t being forcibly removed to live in the wicked step mother’s castle to be cast into a life of horror.
I think you need a serious dose of reality and accept that people meet and get together in all kinds of circumstances.
Hope your husband doesn’t have an affair as you’ll be bleating on about it until old age!

That's the only alternative you can think of? How about he could have done the mature thing of ending his marriage and working together to figure out how to co-parent their son? There was no need to go for the nuclear option of sexually betraying his wife then force her to have his affair partner in her and their son's life.

It's still very new and raw, so understandably, emotions are still charged.

There will come a time when the ex cannot exactly stop you from having a relationship with your husband's child. If you have your own child with him, it's reasonable for you to be included with bonding of the half-siblings. Same with your husband's parents. If they won't include or accept you if you give birth to their grandchild, then it's sad that they won't put their feelings aside for the sake of the children.

Do any of them know you were a "thing" before he met his wife? Not that it matters exactly, but shows you did at least have history and are perhaps meant to be together?

I think some of the comments on here are really harsh.

Live in hope, but be warned, it may take YEARS.

High horse aka morals aka someone who was forced to go stay with her father and his affair partner until she was old enough to say no thanks.

@HollyKnight if you're going to get on your high horse at least read the thread properly first. Op clearly said there was no sex until way after he parted ways with his ex. So the mucky little affair that you're so desperate to harp on about isn't accurate in this case.
Of course in an ideal world there would have been a clear definition between splitting and getting with someone else. But I suspect the op still would have been treated with the same contempt. It's often the way.
I'm of the opinion that nobody in this world is infallible. We're humans. Things happen.
It doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed or that the op is a terrible person. It isn't black and white.
But there are a lot of bitter women on this thread without the broadness of mind to understand this.