We had an affair

[username098765]

I know I will get a lot of hate for this which I know I deserve.
Several years ago I had a fling with a friend, we were both in bad places at the time and it was no more than that. 18 months ago we started having an affair, he was married. 12 months ago he left his wife and we have been together since. I know how awful this is and it's no excuse but he was massively unhappy. He has a young ds who I am not allowed to see - I understand why. His parents won't have anything to do with me don't want to hear anything about me - fair enough. I know it's incredibly unlikely but has anyone been in this situation before and things turned out ok? Obviously he'd like me to be part of ds life in time but I can't ever see it happening. We know we have done wrong and I don't need anyone telling me that. We can't help how we feel and it wasn't a decision we made lightly.

@SunflowerTed why would someone come here and lie to a bunch of strangers? I actually think waiting to have sex does make it better. It proves that it's not a cheap hookup and there are emotions there.
Many people have sex with other people while they're married just because they want the best of both worlds. They want exciting, new sex with a different person but they aren't prepared to give up their cushty family life either. That's abhorrent.
Falling for someone else while you're in an unhappy relationship is a lot more of a grey area imo.

I never said actions don’t have consequences.

But you can’t write someone off as a ‘baddy’ for doing something wrong. Likewise someone isn’t a ‘goody’ if they don’t.

It’s a very childish way to look at things.

Agree the fact they didn’t sleep together until afterwards makes it a lot better.

I've found as I've aged the lowest common denominator regarding good and bad is essentially the gold standard.

The excuses of 'life's not that simple', 'there are grey areas' and 'good people can do bad things' are just ptetzel logic.

'Do as you would be done by' is a good benchmark to begin by.

It might be nice to think affairs don’t last but many do. Many people get together through affairs and lead happy lives. Just because a partner cheated on you doesn’t mean they think cheating is ok or that they’re going to do it again. That’s a reductionist way to see the world.

You had an affair for 6 months tho?

@NDmumoftwo it wasn't about the sex. Yes I fell in love with him but I told him from the start I wouldn't sleep with him.

My theory is that usually it is a very painful and difficult decision to end the first marriage. But once you've been through this you have more courage to end the relationship you're not happy in. I waited way too long to leave my long term. (20 years +) XP. I would not wait even half that time if I ever become I happy in my current relationship.

But that's a lie because you already had had a fling with him before and was in an affair for months before he left his wife being his cosy backup option.

Based on what? 🤔

@PenguinLord we were both single when we had a fling years ago.

Living in a bad/ ending/ rough patch relationship is the catalyst to end it or fix it if the things are fixable. But many people start to look to others looking for a life saver because they can't put an end to something is ending, or they rather to be in the bad known place than on their own.
We can control how we feel, specially at the beginning of those feelings, but they choose to leave those feelings fly in an attempt to find the lost happiness not looking to the mess they leave behind them.
Heal that mess takes time.

OP, with all my respect you are you, but you are not special, your relationship is only special for you, not for the ones that have been splat with your actions. In fact, as they can't cut the rope with him (as son and father) you are probably being guilted twice. For your and his doing.

At this point, carrying on with your life and patience would be my advice.
Trying to push or interfere can make you looking even worse on their eyes.
Good luck.

Surely his ex wife cannot stop you being involved in the child’s life. What dad does on his time is on him, and if she stopped contact he would need to go to court. I get the ex is upset by the situation, and who wouldn’t be, but she can’t stop you having contact forever. The parents is another matter, they are clearly furious and blaming you (if they see their son still, assume they do). In time they may come round. But if they don’t then what can you do? What’s done is done

Do his parents still speak to him?

Why do they blame you alone when he's the one who made, and broke, the vows to his ex-wife?

Based on having a fling several years ago when they were both single and fully able to be together and shape a life together, it didn't happen and he chose a different woman to have children with.

Op has been in the background of his life and his wifes, wives don't fare very well enforcing boundaries when there's a reserve woman in the background.

Or maybe op was the one keeping him dangling, either way one is using the other, what was the fecking point of him marrying and having a child only to up and leave whilst the child is young.
Deadbeat dad and a woman who enables it.

I believe the main reason men end unhappy marriages with an affair is the fact that in times past the default of the court was to give residency of the children primarily to the children. With fathers getting EOW if they were lucky.

This was the situation with my DH when he was in his first marriage. The marriage was horrendously miserable and filled with arguments. This is not my opinion- it is his children's view. They were simply not compatible as partners or as people to parent jointly.

He didn't want to leave his children. He wanted to leave his wife.

When we met (we had an affair for nearly six weeks before he did) I encouraged him to seek legal advice as he was sure the children would have been denied contact with him whatever the reason for him leaving. As this proved to be. His wife did not know about me for at least a year after he left.

In this time he was able to secure a Custody order (a long time ago before CAOs) and even then it had to go to enforcement.

Women who leave a marriage more often than not do not have to make the choice between leaving a bad marriage and losing day to day contact with their kids.

Although 50/50 care is now much more common it is also uncommon for it to be agreed between divorcing parents unless the split is a genuine joint decision. 50/50 in bitter divorces is almost always by court order which takes time.

In our case all our children - both his and mine agree that their mum and I are much happier married to different people.. and enforcing contact in those early days was absolutely essential . It has left the children much happier to have happy parents.

OP - your partner needs to fill in a C100 on the HMCTS website and apply for a child arrangement order. He can then have his child on the times set by the court . What he does with his child on his time - and who he allows his child to see - will be ENTIRELY his business and no one else's. It is his child's right to have an 'effective relationship with his father and if that means he see you then that's normal.

It costs £215 for a CAO and most people do it themselves. No lawyer required. Unless he is a danger to the child then he will DEFINITELY yet an order . I would not want to be with a man who didn't do this for his child.

@NorthUtsireSouthUtsire

I can't understand why in a position like your husband's, he continued the relationship with you rather than it being a wake up call that he needed to leave, ending the relationship and focusing on building a successfully coparenting dynamic and stability for the children before considering a new relationship / picking back up with you if you were still single at that point.

I just think that focusing on nurturing a new relationship while also navigating such a huge, defining change in your child's world is irresponsible.

@NorthUtsireSouthUtsire Come on. Men don't leave because they don't want to leave their children? Yet it doesn't stop them from having affairs which cause much more devastation for those same children they claim they stay for. And it doesn't stop them leaving when they have another woman lined up. It's bullshit. Men don't leave because they can't be bothered figuring out shit on their own.

Your AP did not need you to tell him to look into the legalities of child custody. He just couldn't be bothered because it was easier for him to stay until something better came along. It was never about his children.

You sound delightful.

You said you had a fling years before? Were you both single?

👏🏻

@KeepItGreasy it didn't happen back then because I was in the process of moving 100's of miles away to start a new job. We both regret it not happening back then but it just wasn't the right time. We lost touch for a few years then when I moved back we bumped into each other.

@Sceptical123 yes we were both single. I was in the process of moving away and it just wasn't the right time

I suppose you have to content yourself with being see as the OW forever and make the best of it. For his parents it's easier to forgive their son but they owe nothing to you, his wife may never forgive you and she owes nothing to you. So really it is up to you if you are happy to be in a relationship with the man you love but that may forever have this shadow over you or not. I feel sorry for the wife really, he clearly was not over you and should not have started a relationship with someone else.

The parents not loving OP is perfectly normal, why would they be cutting their own son from their lives, if they dont have to? It's so much easier to forgive your own child than some random woman who he is sleeping with, especially if they had a great relationship with the ex. Also this is quite fresh- in 5 years line if this relationship lasts, maybe they will turn around, or maybe now- so many stories on MN about women who were not even the OW and 15 years down the line still are not accepted by the partner's family.