How many women and men on here have been hit or physically attacked by their partner?

[Nylla]

How many women and men on here have been hit or physically attacked by their partner?

Recently I thought my husband was about to hit me (he was red and angry and raised his fist), but he didn't. I was wondering how common it is. I have seen it in films, but of course have never seen it in someone else's house (and my childhood home was peaceful).

You never know what goes on in other people's homes, so I guess it's quite hard to know for sure.

God I don’t think that at all @Desertislandparadise … I just find it confusing and weird that I stayed given all my privilege. When you have an affluent middle class life I think it is really hard to know whether the trade off (escaping the horrible husband with a consequent drop in your standard of living) is worth it. Me and me kids have been lucky - I’ve managed to keep our home, the kids have stayed at the same school, we can still have a holiday each year. But I earn a shit ton and it is ALL used up on my huge mortgage, bills, childcare, feeding and clothing the kids. My ex pays the bare minimum. For a woman who had been out of work while raising kids or not fortunate enough to work in a high paying profession like law you would be making some massive trade offs. I can see how some decide to live with it. It is a rational but horrible response.

I see how much my ex’s moods damaged my kids - he never hit them but they witnessed him kicking off, screaming abuse, smashing things - they have been traumatised and they were 4 & 8 when our marriage ended. Imagine another 10 years of growing up with that.

Thanks @Endoftheroad12345. I'm wondering, you say you don't know why you stayed so long given your comparatively privileged position. But maybe flip that round - maybe you were able to get out when you did because of all the strengths you mentioned? Early enough to give your kids a much happier childhood and not another 10 years of his abuse. All the best x

I've had 2 abusive relationships- the first my ex went to jail for 4 years because of it. The second I never reported but left with my daughter, we coparent amicably now. My current partner, I can hand on heart say, would never behave like that. It's not okay to behave like that and if I ever hand any inclination that would happen again I would leave immediately

3 long term and 1 short term relationships, and thankfully not once have I been physically assaulted.

@Endoftheroad12345 @Ilovechocolate87

That was me. Living in a gilded cage… not because of the ‘trappings’ but because of the utter mind fuckery I lived with constantly. I got out as soon as I could with help from friends and family.

DV has no restrictions wrt wealth or social class.

Yes 40 years ago. Severe abuse from. Ex husband and also from my father so I grew up with violence. He never touched my mother so I was the punch bag from a very young age. All of us middle class professionals with nice homes. Outwardly respectable people.
DV has no class barriers.

I was hit and grabbed several times in a previous relationship with a woman. Ex, obviously.

DH knows I'd probably kill him if he raised a finger to me. Having come from a violent background, I can flip when severely provoked and he knows it. To be fair though, he's not a violent man, just a massive gaslighter.

Yes by my exh. At first it was just a slap here and there and the without me you're nothing and no one else would ever want you. Then it became smashing objects into me. The living room door was the first thing which cracked but thankfully didn't shatter the glass as it crashed into me. The second one was the kitchen cupboard which he kicked off it's hinges and into me in a complete rage. That one I kicked it back into him. He had the most vile temper ever and would literally scream at me or scream at the Cat for no reason other than he might have stretched and caught his claws in the carpet. Then he began drinking more and more and that's when he became more violent. He came back from drinking one night and I was in bed asleep. Yanked the duvet off me and thumped me so hard in the leg to wake me and demanded I had sex with him. Told him no and he began hitting me, scratching me and nipping me as hard as he could. I managed to get out of the bedroom and lock myself in the toilet. Only he kicked the toilet door down and dragged me out by my hair and threatened to kick me out of the flat naked. After that it became a regular occurrence and he also became obsessed with BDSM and hardcore porn. Told me porn was the only thing that properly turned him on. He'd use the BDSM as an excuse to whip me as hard as he could with some stupid leather whip thing he bought himself. When he didn't get his kicks off that then he would belt me with his gold chain instead. He was always careful to leave the marks and bruises where they couldn't be seen. Then he started raping pretty much every night. Sometimes he'd wake me up and demand sex and if I said no would just force himself on me. Other times he'd pinch the insides of my thighs so hard and refuse to let go until I finally relented and even if I tried to pretend I was on my period he'd stick his finger inside me to check whether or not I was lying. Even after all that I was still too ashamed to leave. In the end he actually left me. I was on the train going away for a few days to see my Friend (now my OH) and he said if things didn't change when I got back then it was over. Told him fantastic because I wasn't changing for anyone and that was that. The only time I was scared whilst away was when my now OH came to the hotel to see me. He'd left his phone at home and hadn't realised until he'd gotten to the hotel and so had to ask a member of staff to come and get me. I remember walking down the stairs behind her and then suddenly thinking oh shit what if it's my husband that's come. Part of me wanted to just run back into the room but then I figured at least if it was him and we were in reception I could ask them to get rid of him. Thankfully it wasn't him. I moved out when I got back, but unfortunately our Cat had to stay there. Once I managed to get my own place the Cat came to live with me, but my exh still paid for his special food. It was in his name and until her told the Vet otherwise I couldn't order it. The final straw came a couple of years after we split up and I'd gone to get the cat food off him. He said he was out and could I pick him up. Didn't think anything of it only to get there and find him drunk, but figured I was working so I'd drop him off grab the food and be gone. No as soon as he got in the car he was pawing at me. Then he started grabbing my breasts and shoving his hand between my legs. I pulled into the carpark of a shop and told him if he didn't get the fuck out of my car I'd phone the Police. Told him to drop the food off and leave it in the shed and Felix would make do with a tin of tuna that night. That was the last time I ever saw him. I didn't even tell him when Felix was diagnosed with acute kidney failure and had to be pts last year. He had the most important person with him which was me.

My ex became violent towards me, yes. My step dad was violent to me and my mum.

My dh is a sweet, gentle angel.

Totally agree @Desertislandparadise I feel really proud of myself. A career coach referred to my mindset being really impressive “because your marriage has ended … lots of people would consider that a failure” … I was 🤔 - it’s literally never crossed my mind to consider it a failure. Apart from my kids, ending the marriage while holding our lives together is one of the things I am most proud of.

@BarshMarton Don’t minimise how horrific emotional abuse is. So many people relay the awful, soul destroying things their partners do and say “BUT he’s never hit me… if he did I’d be gone”. Having experienced physical and emotional abuse, I found the latter just as bad if not worse. Gaslighting, contempt, sneering, stonewalling… it’s so lonely and diminishing. I am in such a great relationship now with such a kind, loving man. He would never raise his voice at me, let alone raise a hand to me. And if (rarely) he does something that upsets me, he is upset because I’m upset - he doesn’t seek to immediately defend his behaviour, invalidate my feelings, attack me, which is what my exH did. I can’t believe how happy and easy a relationship with a decent loving person is.

@IBegYourBiggestPardon that sounds absolutely horrific. I hope you’re ok now ❤️

@Endoftheroad12345 I am thank you. I'm with someone now who would rather chop his own hand off than hurt me in anyway. If we do anything and it makes me feel uncomfortable in anyway he stops as soon as I say anything. Plus unlike my exh he also tells me many times a day he loves me and no matter what he always makes me feel good about myself. If I've put a few pounds on he tells me it's absolutely fine it just means there's more of me to love. I do regularly wind him up and say if he went and got his eyes re tested and got some stronger glasses he'd put them on and go oh my what was I thinking 😅 My exh on the other hand despite being mega overweight himself would sooner rather have gotten us both a pizza and fat shamed me as I ate mine

Never.

Yes, me. All through my pregnancy till dd was born, when thankfully I escaped.

Years later, I’ve written a book about it.

💐to all the women on here who’ve been or are going through this. It wasn’t and isn’t your fault.

@Endoftheroad12345 That's great that you've found such a healthy relationship. I do know how corrosive emotional abuse can be, and I have contemplated leaving him. But he's so good at the intermittent reinforcement, and my kids adore him. 😟

Yes, many times but the same man. Now ex h and six years on still a very angry and aggressive monster. Pushed me over, smashed things right next to me, spitting in my face, smothered me, blocked me in rooms by standing in doorways, took the lock of bathroom door, then took the actual door off as that was my safe space, raped me, took my purse, phone and shoes from me, locked me in with him, sat on my legs often and pulled duvet off me to not let me sleep (toddler and baby years), poured full bottle of radox over me in bed, drenching me, bedding, mattress and narrowly missing baby, shouting at my face, grabbing my upper arms so tight he left bruises and was subsequently arrested. There was a lot more. Still have nightmares now after all these years. I will only truly feel safe when that man is six feet under. And he was a shy, socially awkward teenager who never said boo to a goose.

@EG94 Yes, I definitely agreed with that, they do but it’s less likely someone will tolerate their behaviour however if that women becomes pregnant then they are also more likely to get stuck and the abuse will ramp up. I will use the example of ‘staying for the kids’, many women don’t want to break up their families even when they know they should. It’s complicated of course, and thank you @Desertislandparadise that’s very informative.

@Jadedbuthappy82 I hope your user name is reflective of where you are at - the rage your story has triggered in me because I been witness to this sort of behaviour (but had a difference experience with my ex), is palpable. I hope that monster is in the depth of hell, I.e his conscious has caught up with him and he’ll be tormented with the realisation of what he has done. 💐 if not hopefully he’s away from all women.

An ex when I was young was abusive and also stole from me.

Sadly he's not, he's shacked up (freeloading) with a new lady now and I'm so worried for her. I have been for my own safety and that of my children not to warn her but it really doesn't rest well with me. He's still very aggressive and there are court orders in place but what use is a piece of paper against unhinged "men" like that. And it's far, far too coon isn't it. I'm away from him now but he still constantly tries to get in my head via email and because we share children I still have to see him and deal with him for now. I long for the day when I never ever have to see or hear from him again. Thank you for your kindness. More education needed for young girls I believe, how to spot warning signs, how to leave etc... too late for me but when my children are a bit older (both send and very dependent on me) I would love to volunteer with women's aid or similar to help other vulnerable women and children. The family courts have well and truly failed us unfortunately.

An ex was violent towards me once. I ended it straight away.

My dad used to thump, slap and push my mum regularly. He also used to throw thinks at her, try to strangle her. Others abuse too. He may still do it, I don’t see them anymore as they were both abusive to me and sibling.

Most women I know have had a violent bf/partner/husband at some point, thankfully most have left them.

No never and I'm 47, divorced and have had quite a few reltionships in my lifetime.

I do think less middle class people come forward because of shame. I used to hate my ex yelling as I didn't want neighbours to hear and think I was some scummy chav.

I was ashamed when the police turned up at my house, I thought all the neighbours would be curtain twitching. The police thought threat to life.

My ex hit the roof, then turned it round and said he'd never hurt me and I had nothing to worry about (nah the knife left out on the coffee table wasn't anything to worry about). The police obviously thought otherwise as they left me with a list of numbers for places life Refuge and Women's Aid and told me always to keep my phone charged and next to my bed.

When my ex found the list a few months later he asked why I had it as he'd never do anything to hurt me.

The mind fuckery and delusions of an abuser.

@xxSideshowAuntSallyxx what do you mean by scummy chav and why would people think you are this because your husband is verbally abusive?

Genuinely trying to understand this thinking as I would assume all victims of abuse feel shame, part and parcel of the entire sorry mess no matter how they are perceived in society.

@Endoftheroad12345 i think you and I might be the same person! A high pain threshold plus high self esteem plus Catholic upbringing (most definitely lapsed now) plus financial independence = open to a particular form of abuse. It’s depressing really. You sound amazing though, well done for getting out x

Never. Been married 23 years.

My first husband did it once- he headbutted me and split my lip and waved a knife at me. I walked out the house, called the police, he spent the night in custody and I never went back.