How many women and men on here have been hit or physically attacked by their partner?

[Nylla]

How many women and men on here have been hit or physically attacked by their partner?

Recently I thought my husband was about to hit me (he was red and angry and raised his fist), but he didn't. I was wondering how common it is. I have seen it in films, but of course have never seen it in someone else's house (and my childhood home was peaceful).

You never know what goes on in other people's homes, so I guess it's quite hard to know for sure.

My sad truth is that I believe it escalated because I DID fight back. And typing that out, for the first time (after 25 years) I can see what bollocks that is.

fighting back gave him the opportunity to say ‘she was as bad as me’ ‘she gave as good as she gets’. So I don’t recommend that…..

as others have pointed out, the gaslighting, maddening lies and denials, championship level apologies and mindfuckery are also truly awful.

I thought I was jealous, paranoid, difficult, demanding, suspicious. Spoiler: I’m not.

I did have awful self esteem for a while which manifested in lots of getting very drunk (when he had the kids ) and meaningless sex. So I did have some fun while that phase lasted. 😆

I was very young.

Never

But I'm not sure that this thread will give you any useful stats. People who've been hit are far more likely to respond to your OP than those who haven't.

I was about to scroll by, then realised that I needed to try and buck the trend, because everyone else in a healthy relationship would be scrolling by too.

@EarringsandLipstick I 100% identify with this.

I hear you ❤️

I'm sorry that you've been through this too💔

I was years having counselling before I could truly acknowledge it was abuse.

Yes, ExH. The last time he did it I called the police. Did me a favour really, was able to get a restraining order to get him out of the house, if it hadn't happened I would have had years of his behaviour while we lived in the same house during the divorce.

My second boyfriend was abusive in every sense of the word. My brain has gracefully blocked out many of the traumatic events but the few I can remember involve humiliating me in public by demanding I take off the shoes he bought so I did in a desperate plea to get away from him and was left at the bus stop with just my socks. Another time he stalked me home then strangled me against a car and a kebab shop worker saved me. Mostly it was all coercive emotional manipulation and it was exhausting and robbed my self esteem. I kept going back to him because I was trauma bonded. I eventually fell pregnant by him just after i'd escaped across the country and started university. But because i couldn't face having him in my life forever I had an abortion which I'll always regret. Life is so complicated.

Never

Yes. I was with my exH from 20-41. We married in 2009 when I was 27 and didn’t live in our own place (without flatmates) until a year after that.

In 2010, he pushed me and stood over me with a broomstick in my face.

He frequently smashed things and would push me but because he never actually connected/left a mark he never acknowledged it was abuse and neither did I.

In 2014 when I was pregnant with DS he destroyed our bedroom and hit me through pillows. In 2015 when DS was 1 he hit me around the head and left with with a black eye. At that point he did admit what he’d done (he could hardly not, the evidence was pretty stark) and went to therapy so I thought he was finally acknowleding he had a problem and was taking steps to fix it. Now I think he was doing the bare minimum to make me stay. He wasn’t remorseful, he wouldn’t leave the house. I was had a part time job and a young baby and I couldn’t face tearing our lives apart. My parents have no money and already have my brother living with them who has severe MH issues so there was nowhere for me to go.

After that there was a period of relative calm, punctuated by outbursts - e.g. at a wedding in 2016 he pinched my arms so hard it was black and blue with bruises the next day because it was 11pm and he wanted to leave and I was chatting. When DD was born he got worse again - he never actually went as far as he did in 2015 again, but plenty of smashing things, aggressive grabbing etc. I think in his mind he rationalised that I’d stayed once after hitting and that he could push me up until that point but no further.

I never dreamed I’d stay through violence - I’m a lawyer, externally very confident and successful, great job, great friends. Very middle class, affluent, it at all the typical picture of an abuse victim. But my dad was a pusher of me when I was a teenager so it wasn’t a red line for me in the way it would have been for others. I had no practical options for leaving. Even when I ended the marriage and told people, my mum was still minimising what he’d done. He made leaving as hard as possible - I am so lucky that I have a great job with a really good salary bc it would have been impossible otherwise. I completely understand why people feel they can’t leave.

I think back to when it first happened in 2010 and I should have left then but I didn’t want to leave the dog 🥺 And I know people must think I was mad to have children with him but (a) having them was the best decision I made, and helps me make sense of why I spent 20 years with him and (b) what can I say? It wasn’t always bad all the time. I lived in hope that if we could just fix this one —rather major fucking— fault, we would be ok.

It’s been nearly 2 years since we split and even now if a glass breaks by accident I get a fright and feel sick and anxious. So many plates and glasses smashed in anger over the years. I am pretty sure it’s PTSD.

Ex husband. I was not raised in a violent home.
I called the police and had him charged the first time he raised his hand to me, then divorced him.
He went on to be jailed years later for his third aggravated assault, where he had beaten a man and left life long injuries.
The police were amazed that I followed through and went through the court case, then went back and thanked the officers who had helped me.
Back then, most women in our little town withdrew their complaint before court.
I was not taking that shit from anyone and never will

And he's still your husband?

Yes, I was hit once by my then BF. I consider myself lucky, because I already had what is now called "the ick"; by that point I wasn't madly in love with him, no children and not financially dependent, so when he raised his hand to me, it was an easy decision to leave.

Yes badly by my ex husband, ended the marriage immediately. He was physically aggressive before he beat me but I couldn’t argue with the amount of bruises he had left.

yes by my child’s father but more subtle by pushing me when I was pregnant - he was drunk and clearly throwing his weight around in a jokey power play issue. No longer together. My sister yes, my mother yes. Most of the women (not all) that I know. This if from every age group to every income group.

My ex used to punch my arms, pull my hair, poke my face. He once threw a phone at my head and the bit on my eyebrow split open and I needed it gluing back up. I'd leave your arsehole husband asap. It's only going to escalate and he will hit you eventually.

Yes my 2 main ones were both abusive.

My dad was violent and so was XH1. He did injure me, and tried to kill me just before I left (strangulation). XH2 didn't hit me but he raged quite a bit, contorted face up against mine. He raped me, leaving an injury.

Now I've done the therapy, I'd see the 🚩🚩 and get out of there, but really do empathise with PPs' descriptions of how you get reeled in and trapped.

Never.

I'm almost 60. I've been with DH for 36 years. I've never, ever, felt remotely unsafe with him. He's lovely.

My previous partner was young and a controlling twat, but he never physically hurt me.

This thread is horrifying and upsetting.

No man has ever hit me. If they did it'd be the first and last time it happened.

I've a far greater tolerance for sexual abuse, however - historically, that is, not any more.

@RogueFemale, isn't it odd how we'll avoid one type of abuse but not the others? It's not unusual for someone who says "He's never laid a hand on me" to be experiencing sexual, financial, verbal, psychological/emotional abuse, neglect or entrapment.

Someone who hits you invariably abuses you in other ways - I stopped XH1 hitting me (by leaving him temporarily) and he carried on with the other stuff. I must have made it clear to XH2 that I wouldn't tolerate physical abuse, but he was incredibly good at mental and emotional bullying.

The sooner the Freedom Programme's taught in all schools, the better.

No.

I had a violent father. If a partner ever raised their hand to me, they'd find themselves on the pavement with their possessions in seconds. I would never place myself in a dependent or vulnerable situation again.

Sexual abuse was routine in my teens and early twenties, in London. Boys at school, 20-something male predators, Dad when I became 'interesting' age 16, and so on. Same happened to several women I know. It was the old days when you wouldn't dare say anything.

But never any angry violent men in my life, for which I am grateful. I truly have zero tolerance for that, because a few years ago I became friends with an 'eccentric' woman, who turned out to have 'issues'. Anyway, one night she attacked me - woman punches so wasn't injured - but it was shocking, and I reported it and the police pursued a prosecution and she got a suspended sentence.

Me. Several times in two different relationships years ago. Both dangerously violent. Ditched them both.

I think the fact that over 100 people have responded in hours sharing their accounts of domestic violence speaks for itself....its sadly rife.And that's just the physical abuse....

I have a fair bit of awareness around DV in relation my job, as i work with vulnerable families, many of whom it has been a theme, and whilst the multitude and content of responses here is so tragic and heartbreaking, and I feel for every one of the poor victims, I'm not suprised :(

Wow. Appalling. Am so sorry you had to endure that, as well as violence throughout formative childhood/teen years too.

From those trust figures who should have known better. ☹️

That must have taken a hell of a lot of inner grit to break such an ingrained cycle.

I really hope you're able to see just how inspiring your story is. Wish you all the best for a happy future.