How many women and men on here have been hit or physically attacked by their partner?

[Nylla]

How many women and men on here have been hit or physically attacked by their partner?

Recently I thought my husband was about to hit me (he was red and angry and raised his fist), but he didn't. I was wondering how common it is. I have seen it in films, but of course have never seen it in someone else's house (and my childhood home was peaceful).

You never know what goes on in other people's homes, so I guess it's quite hard to know for sure.

I’ve always wondered how prevalent DV is in middle class homes @Ilovechocolate87
I suspect far more than anyone would realise. I am a lawyer, my ex is a lawyer, we are affluent - nice house with a pool, holiday home, holidays abroad, etc etc. Two lovely children. If I’d left him when he first hit me I would have had nowhere to go, I wouldn’t have been able to afford to buy another house or even rent somewhere comparable in the area, if I’d gone to the police and he’d been charged that would have been the end of his legal career as he wouldn’t have been able to maintain a practicing certificate and we would have been financially screwed. I left when I could afford to support my kids by myself and buy him out of the house (it wasn’t a conscious strategy- one day I just realised I didn’t need to put up with his shit any more). I often wonder how many women there are out there like me, more often than not having given up their career to support the higher earner, totally trapped with a violent man in a gilded cage.

Well now you’re telling me! Sorry to infuriate you, but I will speak my truth just like you speak yours. The fact is I was brought up knowing how to react to physical violence (two big brutal brothers) so I’m good in a fight. I wasn’t brought up with verbal or emotional abuse though. So when XH shouted and gave me the silent treatment and left me to do all the work, I was a rabbit caught in the headlights. I endured it for 25 years. He knew not to hit me because he knew I would hit back. He abused me nonetheless.

That’s so kind of you, and of @Twolittleloves , thank you. I’m very happily married to a good, kind man now, thankfully.

@Endoftheroad12345 that is me.

I mean, my cage was not as gilded as yours. But I was 'discouraged' from working by my stbxh and our dcs were in private school, big house in the country.

However, his violence and adultery was too dangerous and we are divorcing. And now through my own foolishness, I feel broken and washed up at 53. At least I am physically safe from that monster.

Same as other PP, barging past, smashing things (my things) and throwing things. Never actually hit me but physical in every other way. Squaring up to me, and so on.

Screaming in my face, so he’d spit on me. His face used to twist into absolute rage. He looked to ugly and scary and nasty - it’s imprinted in my mind.

This started during pregnancy and got significantly worse. He was utterly terrifying, now I pity him.

He still thinks he is gods gift, which is baffling as he is currently contributing a grand total of zero to the lives of our DC. In a way that’s fine as I don’t have to have any contact with him at all. Small victories. Poor DC they are impacted though.

Yes. Both men and women.

Not by my partner. I saw my dad hit my mum though, and once he tried to hang her.

Yes by ex, I would say my difficult childhood and poor boundaries is what got me there tbh.

Thats outrageous!

OP, please be aware that behaving in a way that causes someone to feel that physical violence may be imminent is classed as common assault.

A definition from the Crown Prosecution Service states that an assault "can be committed by an act indicating an intention to use unlawful violence against the person of another". Raised fists certainly fall under this definition.

To answer your question, I have been physically attacked by two previous partners. With one partner it was the obvious- beat me until I was bruised all over. With my next partner, it was less obvious. He was very careful not to do anything that would leave a bruise, but he would storm at me with a closed fist and stop an inch from my face. He would push me around, or grab my arm really tight. He also used to suffocate me, by putting a hand over my mouth and holding my nose closed so I couldn't breathe. The crazy thing is, because he didn't beat me like my previous partner had done, I genuinely didn't think he was physically abusive, even though he literally attempted to suffocate me! If ever I dared indicate I felt he was mistreating me, he'd defend himself with "I never hit you!!"

I feel very strongly that women need to be made aware of the different ways physical violence can manifest, and the laws surrounding it. Too many people still believe violence in a relationship is limited to punches.

Yes I have. 3 in different ways... I think having one lowers your boundaries and makes you more likely to end up in a string of abusive situations.
Thankfully my DH to whom I have been married 10+ years would never do that and has only raised his voice twice to me in all that time. So I'm glad to have broken the chain.
I've experienced everything from a boyfriend just pushing me during an argument.. to systematic and almost constant violence.
One partner I had I was sure was going to kill me. The violence steadily escalated. He stabbed me in the throat once.
After 2 years I managed to leave. I was in my early twenties and he was 10 years older.

No. Never

GreyCarpet · Yesterday 22:10
'I was hit by a boyfriend when I was 18. My mum asked me what I'd done to deserve it and told me to be careful because the next time he might dump me. He didn't have chance; I dumped him.'

My God ! your own mother saying this .

2 previous ex's of mine one when i was 18 insanely jealous and accused me of cheating put his hands round my neck , then another early 20's again jealousy similar assault police useless but that was over 30 years ago and i'd like to think they have more awareness now - i don't hold my breath !
Husband now , not once ever in 30 years has he ever, not for one second made me fear him neither did my dad.
I pray my daughter never experiences it.

This thread is a bleak read, and I think it's also quite sad to read of those who say they've been 'lucky' not to have been hit. Thankfully not been on receiving end and would never dream of behaving like that with a partner.

A few years ago couple of neighbours witnessed a woman in our block being hit by the lowlife she was seeing at the time. However she pleaded with them not to go to police and misguidedly they complied with her wishes and the woman wore large sunglasses for weeks afterwards to conceal the black eye she'd sustained. Sadly abusers seem to get protected.

Aware also of cases of domestic violence perpetrated by teenage sons on their mothers. Happened to another neighbour in same block but she reported it to police and son was placed in foster care afterwards.

Yes.

CSA survivor and when my 16 year old boyfriend raised his hand to me once, I left him immediately. Never thought I'd end up in an abusive relationship because of that.
Never understood why anyone wouldn't just leave an abusive partner.

I was wrong. 39 when I met him, gaslighter, cheater, thief, fraudster, liar, manipulater. Blamed me for his cheating, told me we were partners so my money and my credit cards were his (he took out phone contracts and loans in my name without my knowledge). When I tried to have him charged with fraud, the police blamed me for staying with him - he had threatened to kill himself if I left him. Recorded me shouting back at him after he had physically hurt me by jokingly hitting me, or after catching him cheating again. He never raised his voice so no one ever heard him saying horrible things to me.

I left a few days after he tried to strangle me for beating him at a game. Had him charged but he got a not proven verdict.

He continued to do the same things to the next two girlfriends, neither had him charged. Previous girlfriends didn't either.

Yes unfortunately. ExH was abusive. Got progressively worse as marriage progressed and ended up hitting me in front of children.
That was the end of it for me. I witnessed my step father assaulting my mother on several occasions and never wanted my kids to go through that.
I stayed with my exH far longer than I should have as he 'promised' it would never happen again. Yeah right.
Look after yourself OP.

Years ago when I was living in a flatshare we used to hear our neighbours upstairs, arguing, loudly a few times a week. At first it was just annoying, then the annoyance turned to concern when you could hear items being thrown about and loud bangs. They were both screaming obscenities at each other so we were not quite sure who was the victim or whether it was just a mutually toxic relationship. We were coming home from the pub one time to find this couple arguing in the street and on this occasion we saw the man push the woman so hard into a parked car it set the alarm off. We were all fairly decent sized rugby players and we managed to pin this guy to the ground while the police rocked up. Sadly this was back at the time when police could only formally charge someone unless a complaint by the victim had been submitted, which most of the time never happened. Thankfully she did move out (without him) a few months later while he was at work. He came banging on our door accusing us of interfering and helping her move out (we were guilty on that front as we helped her move to her sisters and gave her lift with all her stuff). In his rage he tried to try the old push tactic which worked well against a 60kg woman but not so well against a 6'3" 100+ kg back rower, the latter then pinned him to the floor again until he had calmed down and gave a grovelling apology. Thankfully he fucked off soon after as well. The prick. I was in my early 20s back then and had little understanding of the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship and why people often stayed in them. I had to go through that process myself a few years later before I properly 'got it'.

@Cantabulous

I'm so sorry you experienced such pronged abuse. So did I - and it took me a decade to leave and at least the same to recover. 25 years is very bleak.

However, with respect, you are not making sense:

but I will speak my truth just like you speak yours.

Your 'truth' is that you didn't experience physical abuse so you didn't have that choice to make (about whether you'd leave or not).

You hadn't mentioned the other abuse in the post I commented on - but my comment applied to all abuse. In most cases, the abuser senses that they can get away with abuse, of whatever kind, as the victims will give that information to them, in a variety of ways. The women (or anyone) who react strongly to any form of attempted abuse are usually not people who are vulnerable to abuse - in the sense of a power dynamic or control.

None of us ahead of the abuse would say 'oh sure. If my H hit / demeaned / gaslit etc me, I'd put up with it'. We all think we wouldn't a) be in the situation and b) put up with it.

We don't know. You did. I did. It was still abuse. It wasn't physical in your case and it was mostly not in mine.

The way to know is to ensure we have confidence, self-belief, a high sense of self-esteem & a strong support network. Sadly, many women in particular are missing significant elements of this.

Yes I've been hit and pushed by an ex and I eventually left. I was very young and I stayed because I had no options. Yet another thing to add to the catalogue of no money and no support. He hit me once in front of friends and all she said was he shouldn't have done it. We are no longer friends. One of his brothers heard him hitting me and again nothing was done. He didn't even ask me if I was ok.

My bf was hit once by an ex and the relationship broke down shortly afterwards.

I have, by two.

Hit, had a door slammed into my cheekbone, raped, had pillows pushed into my face while I struggled, had boiling water thrown at me, phone thrown at me, choked, tripped over on purpose at the top of stairs, bottle thrown at me, food forced into my mouth, been bitten.

No, never. It’s not always been sunshines and rainbows, but neither of us have ever been physically aggressive with the other, including not throwing things at each other or in a fit of temper.

When I lived at home we used to hear the neighbours in regular screaming matches. A few times the police were called. One time he left her close to death and marched out of the house, it was only 2 days later when my mum noticed she hadn’t taken her bins out that next door hadn’t, she banged on the door after not getting any answer ringing and then looked through the letterbox and saw broken things everywhere. She called the police and they got her out, she was in a devastating condition but did pull through. And eventually went back to him. They moved away not long after he came back home. Often wonder how she is.

Yes by my ex and I told no one at the time. I told DH not long after DD died as was very stressed and emotional, he cried when I told him. We had been together for over 20 years by then.

DH never and been together for almost 30 years, he is such a lovely gentle soul.

Your so right....I am working with one such woman now, and sadly there are often those news articles where the husband has killed his wife/family, from affluent, outwardly successful and stable, decent families that are hiding a dark secret behind the facade.

It cuts across all walks of life, inparticular the most affluent and the poorest i think.

I'm a woman and never been hit but threatened, gaslit, sexually assaulted.

I hit an ex once. I'd caught him out cheating again, the proof was on my 'phone which he snatched out of my hand and was walking out of my flat door with it while calling me a cunt.

I was scared and also very, very angry that he was shouting at me when he was the cheating, and he was taking my possession and also panicking that he was taking my 'phone and I wouldn't be able to call for help or support without it if he came back.

I hit him with my open hand in his chest, a smack/push and not a punch. I've never been so shocked in my life. Literally never raised a hand to anyone before in my life before or since.

That of course led to "see YOU'RE the abusive one, it's me who should be scared of YOU".

I'm still ashamed I lost control like that and would never make excuses for it.

Both ex husbands were physically violent to me (along with lots of other forms of abuse). For me, the physical abuse is the one that had the most impact on me. For years I thought I deserved it, I've done years and years of therapy but tbh I don't think I'll ever trust a man again. I'm okay with that, I'm still in my 40s and young enough to meet someone but I know I'm much happier on my own. I trust myself again and have built my self esteem back up from rock bottom.

If you ever met me you would never have said I'd let a man treat me like that.