How many women and men on here have been hit or physically attacked by their partner?

[Nylla]

How many women and men on here have been hit or physically attacked by their partner?

Recently I thought my husband was about to hit me (he was red and angry and raised his fist), but he didn't. I was wondering how common it is. I have seen it in films, but of course have never seen it in someone else's house (and my childhood home was peaceful).

You never know what goes on in other people's homes, so I guess it's quite hard to know for sure.

1st relationship, I was 18. I'd moved away to go to uni in London, he was following me up a year later.
We were growing apart, I was developing more as an adult & we eventually split up. He would still come up to 'visit'.
I had my nose pierced & he ripped out the piercing.
Luckily one of the lads on my floor in my hall of residence warned him off & he didn't turn up again.
I was also lucky that it was only the once he did anything rough. I don't know if it would've escalated - his unwanted visits had been getting more frequent so who knows?
When he did come up to London, he was at a poly nearby but I only saw him the once from a bus going along the Euston Road & it made me feel sick.

@NoSourDough your post made me feel a bit emotional. We really were so young to have to go through that.

Not that any woman of any age ever should, but you know what I mean!

No, I did slap my husbands face once, not hard or anything, but yeah I did, when I was about 20. Past that no violence in our relationship. I can’t imagine him ever hitting me and I’m 50 now, and we didn’t hit our child either, so no violence in the home.

Yes but never again. Looking back and putting it into words it sounds horrific, I had always said no man would do that to me. But at the time I had no self-esteem or self confidence as he had chipped away at it bit by bit. He told me I wouldn't survive without him. No man will make me cry or cower or flinch in fear again, no man will make me feel so worthless that I'll accept the lies, the abuse, a man pinning me down and putting his hands around my throat and strangling me only stopping when he saw me crying.

Someone upthread mentioned Middle-class abuse, I am the stereotypically middle class woman, confident, well educated, good job, loving family(my parents have been happily married for 54 years), loving supportive friends, had the house and was comfortably off so going out and buying nice things weren't an issue. I miss the house and garden and the extra money but no amount of money can replace my own happiness and peace. I have my own flat, my two cats, family and friends who love me. That's what counts.

I was watching Emmerdale the other week with tears silently rolling down my face as they are doing a DA storyline that is so well portrayed.

Me. He locked me in his flat and attacked me. Couldn't believe it was happening. On the surface he was a typical sensitive nice guy sort. He denied all of it.

I've been single since. Not sure I could trust a man again, or trust myself to recognise the bad ones.

I get what you're saying. My truth is that physical abuse - which is what this thread is about - didn't happen because he knew he wouldn't get away with it. That didn't protect me against the other abuse one little bit.

I most certainly have always had confidence, self-belief, a high sense of self-esteem and also financial independence. Not a strong support network, however. A rather twisted cultural upbringing (Catholicism) and deep obstinacy led me to 'stick it out', but I've been free for ten years now and my life is very, very good. My abuser's - much less so, in fact he is being physically and emotionally abused in his current relationship...

I was beaten and assaulted by 3 ex's.
I hope it's not that common but I fear it probably is.

Yes, absolutely this. Only one of my abusive exes actually hit me. The other one used to push me around, and sometimes hit walls right next to my head. I was young and didn't realise this was abusive.

No never but fully believe that down to luck.

No one enters into a relationship expecting domestic voilence. No one who is abused deserves it or could have prevented it. Most abusers are very manipulative and don't cone with obvious warning signs.

People who think otherwise are incredibly naive. It's nothing to do with "picking normal men" or similar nonsense that some have posted here.

Never. Not even a hint of violence from any boyfriends, my dad, uncles, BILs, male cousins etc. I know of a few abusive ex-boyfriends in my friendship circle, but that's it.

I of course believe the stats about 1 in 4 women being victims of abuse, but I still find it hard to properly wrap my head around it. It's so foreign to my experience.

Sure, it's down to luck, but some of that luck is who your parents are, how much family support you have, your level of financial independence and so on.

Pick two random women out from the crowd and they will not have the same risk of being in a long term abusive relationship. If all you've ever known growing up is abuse, you're much more likely to be abused as an adult.

My various female relatives always told me to have 'running away' money and encouraged me to never put up with shitty behaviour. A few PPs have written about their mum victim blaming them and telling them to stay with their abusive partner. I consider myself very lucky to have never been abused, but that luck is not completely random and inexplicable.

Edited for spelling.

Totally agree re the luck thing - in many ways my parents were very loving but they had a high conflict relationship (lots of dramatic fights and my dad would push me - but I never saw him put a hand on my mum - when I argued with him). I knew my exH was abusive, I knew his behaviour was unacceptable. If I had had a mum and dad who I could call who would have given me and my kids space to stay, who would have said “come home” immediately, who, date I say it, would have fronted up to exH and said “how dare you lay a hand on my daughter, get the fuck out of here and never touch her again or you’ll be talking to the police” - I would have left much earlier. As it is my parents are still nice as pie to exH and spent the first few months after our split telling me how fights are normal. My mum’s immediate reaction was “I suppose you think I should have left dad” (err yes).

@Cantabulous funny you say that about Catholicism and stoicism. I’m Catholic (lapsed!) too and I think it’s related. I asked my therapist if staying with exH for so long meant I had low self esteem as that’s not how I perceive myself and she said “no… I don’t think you have low self esteem. I think you have a very high pain threshold.” My resilience has served me well as I’ve endured things most people couldn’t (I think) and manage to hold it together, but it does mean I could endure my ex beyond what anyone else would have put up with.

@Desertislandparadise

While I was lucky to grow up in a house where there was no abuse and fully accept that people who did are more likely to have relationships which repeat the same partner, it is also true that many women never experienced voilenc until at the hands of a partner.

My point being it can happen anyone. It's never the victims fault. There's no way of being 100% certain that today's loving boyfriend won't be tomorrow's abusive husband.

@Endoftheroad12345
I'm sorry you were in that situation and I'm so sorry that you couldn't rely on your parents for help.

There's a lot we can do for the next generation, I think. There's the obvious of teaching our children about the warning signs, the importance of being financially independent, insisting boys do their equal share at home etc. There's also stuff like stop always asking girls if they've got a boyfriend, making it seem as if being in a miserable relationship is better than being happily single.

I really hope we'll see the 1 in 4 stats improve in our lifetimes.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees
Agreed, it's never the victim's fault.

Thanks @Desertislandparadise

I was always really proud of myself for being very independent and self sufficient, and it’s serves me well in some ways, but I also realise it prevented me seeking help when I needed it. My boyfriend now is so kind and considerate and wants to protect and look after me - I love it but it’s so foreign to me, I always assume I’m a burden.

I’m determined that I will always have space for my kids to stay if they need it, even when they are adults.

Wow this thread is heartbreaking 💔
I've never been in a physically abusive relationship but was in an emotionally abusive one. I doubt he would ever have turned physical. Still took me a while to realise and leave his narc ass.

Not been in anything even close to abusive since, first sign and he'd be told

@Desertislandparadise Abusers typically target the vulnerable which is another reason why it’s so common during pregnancy.

This is a common misconception. Whilst some do yes many others will target a strong woman I guess as a bigger challenge. Imagine the gratification of reducing a strong willed woman to a shadow of her former self. Abuse doesn’t discriminate

There's actually an interesting paper about Intimate Partner Violence with a decision tree showing how certain risk factors affect rates of IPV. Witnessing violence in childhood is a big one.

Edited to add: the 'woman empowerment' measure is based on (quoted from article) "i. attitude to violence, which comprises items related to the women's opinion on whether beating the wife is justified in some situations; ii. social independence, which includes access to information, educational attainment, age at first marriage and first child, and difference in age and education between the woman and her partner; and iii. decision making, which comprises three questions on who makes decisions in regard to the woman's health care, to major expenses, and to visits to family or relatives. Women were categorised into low, medium and high empowerment level based on their SWPER scores in each domain"
https://www.thelancet.com/journals/eclinm/article/PIIS2589-5370(21)00495-8/fulltext

that is interesting @Desertislandparadise

I look at my own example and on any measure you would say I was low risk.

(1) I don’t think violence against women is justified in any circumstances, my friends would call me an outspoken feminist (I’ve even written articles about feminism for magazines ffs 🤪), I didn’t change my name when I got married, etc etc

(2) University educated, + professional qualifications, a lawyer, equivalent education and social class to my exH, aged 27 at marriage and first child at 33. My exH was 4 years older than me which I do think gave him an advantage over me financially and career wise for much of our relationship - in the first 15 years, between my more junior carer track and then having children he out earned me by 3x

(3) al of our money was joint, I had full access to all of our joint funds and in fact I managed the admin of our household - e.g. mortgages, researching larger purchases, household spending etc. He would control these by occasionally throwing a fit about how much we spent (normal middle class life, so not cheap but not extravagant)

I cannot for the life of me fathom why I stayed for so long except to say I was more scared of bringing my kids up in poverty, and losing them 50% of the time and leaving them with him (which didn’t happen), than I was of managing his moods and rages.

Yes an ex in early 20s. He would hold my hands over hot stove, cut me, smashed my head into a mirror, kicked and stamped on me...

I'm so glad you're safe now, @Endoftheroad12345. Leaving can't have been easy. Your worries about poverty or losing custody were rational, even if thankfully they didn't materialise in the end. You should be proud of yourself that you managed to get you and your children out.

I'm sorry if my posts are coming across as of I think some women should be immune to abuse. Like PPs have said, abuse can happen to anyone no matter their circumstances.

The paper I linked to also says their findings confirm "the pervasiveness of IPV and how women from vastly different backgrounds can still experience it. Unfortunately, no safe group of women was identified."

He was screaming at me so loudly right in my face. Had his face pressed against mine so hard he broke my nose with his.

I was breastfeeding our newborn son at the time.