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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is taking the p**s!!

315 replies

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:10

I need to rant because I have nowhere else to rant. But I'm getting so frustrated with my husband.

We have a newborn baby and a 20 month old, so it's all very chaotic in the house, very busy, little sleep etc.

I am on maternity leave so at home with the kids in the week, which is lovely but also very tiring. When it comes to the weekend, it's nice to get a bit of a break and share responsibilities but this does not seem to be the case. He keeps booking golf days at the weekend (6-8 hours), football trips.

Today, he said he was nipping to see his friend and the gym at 10am. It's 7pm and he's not home, decided to enjoy the weather and grab drinks. I'm just furious, tired and pretty upset. Has he checked out do we think :(?

OP posts:
Original poster
rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:12

I have spent the day wiping up baby sick, dealing with tantrums and tidying the house 😢

OP posts:
Errolwasahero · 18/05/2024 19:12

Think I’d be ‘popping out’ tomorrow and enjoying the day…

BitOutOfPractice · 18/05/2024 19:13

Yes. Get ready and go out tomorrow.

Raspberrymoon49 · 18/05/2024 19:13

Unfair and selfish, why isn’t he sharing the child care?

Notonthestairs · 18/05/2024 19:15

Awful behaviour and absolutely taking the piss. And I don't suppose he's going to come home sober and ready to get stuck into the night shift.
Not at all surprised you are upset.

Original poster
rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:15

I would do that but our baby is so young I do not want to leave him yet - also I need to feed.

I do not know. With our first he was not like this, responsibility was split evenly. But it's getting out of hand, I just want to cry.

OP posts:
ArmchairPhycologist · 18/05/2024 19:16

Sounds very much like he's checked out. Prick.

Presumably when you bring this up with him you're being massively unreasonable and he needs to have his down time after working so hard during the week? Because clearly looking after 2 small people is an absolute breeze and you're getting down time during the week when they're napping etc..

Original poster
rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:16

@Notonthestairs yes he will be drunk. If he does not come home I will really need to evaluate the situation. Just so confusing as we had such a great relationship and family home life. It's like a switch has changed!

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 18/05/2024 19:16

OP
#Rather than bashing the laptop hear - have you had a serious chat with hubby???

Have you considered going with him for golf ie one of those family golf areas or a park etc instead of him playing golf?

If he is just doing it the one day, five at work, TBH, I don't see the problem

how about you go to work and he stays at home?

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 18/05/2024 19:18

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 18/05/2024 19:16

OP
#Rather than bashing the laptop hear - have you had a serious chat with hubby???

Have you considered going with him for golf ie one of those family golf areas or a park etc instead of him playing golf?

If he is just doing it the one day, five at work, TBH, I don't see the problem

how about you go to work and he stays at home?

Are you her husband?

LifeExperience · 18/05/2024 19:19

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 18/05/2024 19:16

OP
#Rather than bashing the laptop hear - have you had a serious chat with hubby???

Have you considered going with him for golf ie one of those family golf areas or a park etc instead of him playing golf?

If he is just doing it the one day, five at work, TBH, I don't see the problem

how about you go to work and he stays at home?

Which part of newborn and 20-month old didn't you get?

fedupandstuck · 18/05/2024 19:21

Oh my, please ignore the post from @DistinguishedSocialCommentator for goodness sake!

It's very poor behaviour from your husband. Don't take it up with him if he comes in drunk. Talk to him tomorrow morning, for me, I'd be telling him that if he doesn't start considering his wife and new baby first that there will be serious consequences. Eg you will consider asking him to leave.

It's also flipping sad that he doesn't want to spend time with his wife and children, including the new baby.

Starfish1021 · 18/05/2024 19:23

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator do not kick someone when they are down.
OP you need a serious talk but I would wait until he is sober. Are their family you could go and stay with just to get a bit of break and reassess the situation? He really seems like he has checked out and is being incredibly unreasonable.

Youdontevengohere · 18/05/2024 19:23

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 18/05/2024 19:16

OP
#Rather than bashing the laptop hear - have you had a serious chat with hubby???

Have you considered going with him for golf ie one of those family golf areas or a park etc instead of him playing golf?

If he is just doing it the one day, five at work, TBH, I don't see the problem

how about you go to work and he stays at home?

You think a man that can’t even spend weekends with his kids would want to give up his career and look after them full time?

isthesolution · 18/05/2024 19:25

Tomorrow tell him you hope he had a lovely day. He's inspired you to do the same so next Saturday you'll arrange something with a girlfriend. Suggest you make Sundays set family days as it's important for the kids to have that. Then next Saturday express milk and leave it for him to manage for a good few hours.

If he copes then great - take turns to have Saturdays out. If he says it was very hard say it's exactly the same for you so should you maybe just have one day a month out each instead!

fettybord · 18/05/2024 19:25

Erm... no.

Express some milk and 'go for a walk' even just to the local coffee shop without your phone.
It doesn't need to be a long walk, 90 mins should do it, but you need to make a point. They are his kids, weekends should be the priority for family time and he needs to give his head a massive wobble...

Original poster
rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:26

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator excuse me? I have just given birth, baby is weeks old, I do work. I am on maternity leave!! What a ridiculous comment.

Being at 'home' at the moment is no luxury.

And I do not have the luxury of going on golf trips with him either 🙈

Of course I have had a chat with him, but he says he's stressed from work and needs downtime. Which is fine. But he's taking it to the extreme. Today has tipped me over the edge.

OP posts:
fedupandstuck · 18/05/2024 19:31

He might be stressed from work, but he's chosen to have two small children and they don't know or care about that. And of course recovering from pregnancy and birth is not having a jolly holiday, especially if you are also looking after a nearly 2 year old alongside the new baby! And breastfeeding. And dealing with little sleep.

He could have taken your elder child out for the day, or you could all have gone somewhere where you could sit with the baby and the older one could play. All perfectly good ways to unwind from work stress. It's like he sees you and the children as a source of stress rather than a way to de-stress.

Ladyj84 · 18/05/2024 19:32

That's so unfair or maybe I'm lucky we have 10 months between ours a single and twins and hubby is great at taking over as soon as he gets in from work wether it be baby things or household jobs. He hasn't gone out or disappeared or anything and there all now 1 and 2 . Only recently he has started going on the odd night out with mates again but have to say has asked and tbh I don't mind asking as the little ones aren't ill I can manage fine for a few hours and he works hard for us aswell so ye it's getting the right balance

Redrobbbin · 18/05/2024 19:32

I’m 12 years into this with a 7 year old and a 10 year old. It doesn’t get easier. My husband has always prioritised golf over his family. They way I see it now, it was him that missed out on their childhood, not me.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 18/05/2024 19:35

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:26

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator excuse me? I have just given birth, baby is weeks old, I do work. I am on maternity leave!! What a ridiculous comment.

Being at 'home' at the moment is no luxury.

And I do not have the luxury of going on golf trips with him either 🙈

Of course I have had a chat with him, but he says he's stressed from work and needs downtime. Which is fine. But he's taking it to the extreme. Today has tipped me over the edge.

Its your prerogative as I am trying to help and that why you posted here - your choice

What did DH say when you told him re your concerns??

Also consider returning to work in a few weeks and DH takes over - have you both discussed that?

Either way, you need to talk to him and agree how your times on his days off are to be spent at the very least.

Also put yourself in his shoes and then chat to him

Wishing you both easier times ahead and they will get easier as the baby grow up

Notonthestairs · 18/05/2024 19:38

It's nice to take some time out at the end of a long week but when you've got 2 very small children it's not always practical and requires communication and compromise on his part.

It's not fecking normal to pop out to the gym at 10am and vanish until the evening.

As others have said speak to him again when he's sobered up.

You don't necessarily want or need time away from your kids at this point - just an engaged parent to support you.

PossumintheHouse · 18/05/2024 19:40

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 18/05/2024 19:35

Its your prerogative as I am trying to help and that why you posted here - your choice

What did DH say when you told him re your concerns??

Also consider returning to work in a few weeks and DH takes over - have you both discussed that?

Either way, you need to talk to him and agree how your times on his days off are to be spent at the very least.

Also put yourself in his shoes and then chat to him

Wishing you both easier times ahead and they will get easier as the baby grow up

Show quote history

Of course. A lightbulb suggestion. New, breastfeeding mum should just return to work and sack off her maternity leave, and hubster can demand his workplace just let him off for a few months to care for the baby. Why hasn't anybody else thought of that/

MigGirl · 18/05/2024 19:42

If your baby is only a week old is there a reason he's not on paternity leave as well and helping out?

I mean it was only 2 weeks when DS was born 13 years ago but DH also took 2 weeks holiday so he was at home for 4 weeks with me so I could get used to organising a toddler and baby at the same time, and give me a chance to recover from the birth to.

And this is from my DH who has never been great at sorting out the kids because I was a SAHM for 5 years.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 18/05/2024 19:43

I’d be telling him that he steps up and focuses on the family and your needs or you’re looking at divorce with 50:50 so he’ll be doing a lot of parenting by himself and you will get the down time you need.

In fact, I think I did say something like this to DP when our DC were little. It made him think about what mattered and that I wasn’t there to be the nanny. He’s a very hands on dad now.