My husband is taking the p**s!!

[rosetta32]

I need to rant because I have nowhere else to rant. But I'm getting so frustrated with my husband.

We have a newborn baby and a 20 month old, so it's all very chaotic in the house, very busy, little sleep etc.

I am on maternity leave so at home with the kids in the week, which is lovely but also very tiring. When it comes to the weekend, it's nice to get a bit of a break and share responsibilities but this does not seem to be the case. He keeps booking golf days at the weekend (6-8 hours), football trips.

Today, he said he was nipping to see his friend and the gym at 10am. It's 7pm and he's not home, decided to enjoy the weather and grab drinks. I'm just furious, tired and pretty upset. Has he checked out do we think :(?

I had one of these and that exact age gap. I pushed through until youngest was two and snapped. Life is easy now. And his new fiancée picks up after him. Meanwhile I’ve found a partner who is not a manchild.

i hate a motivational quote but yesterday I saw on instagram: a bad man will teach you to do it all yourself. A good man knows you can but won’t let you.

While I don’t agree with that poster, it’s called Shared Parental Leave and her husband can absolutely take it if he wishes.

There was a post recently by a woman whose husband was behaving in a similar way. She posted on AIBU with the mindset that she didn’t even feel the desire or any point in discussing the issue with him because if he genuinely thought this was a decent thing to do and an appropriate way to treat his wife and family, then that’s all she needed to know about him.

While she of course received a lot of posts urging her to have the heart to heart with her husband (and I suppose I am inclined to agree that you can’t just let marriages go without an attempt to save them), I did see exactly where she was coming from.

To be honest that post sort of changed the way I view subsequent posts on the same issue. All this ‘get out tomorrow for your own day off’, ‘stop cooking and cleaning for him’, ‘sit him down and have a come-to-jesus talk’ etc etc, yes, all well and good, but what’s the point? He’s an adult, that’s who he is. I’m not sure I see the point in enforcing a person he isn’t. How do you ever really love them again after it?

Jesus. This is absolutely unforgivable. What an awful, awful man to do this to you. How has he switched off any care for you?

I have nothing useful to add, just a truckload of emotional support from afar. And I’m so sorry.

If he is in a fit state to watch kids tomorrow I would ‘pop out’ to the gym at 10am snd return at 7pm to discuss how unfair his behaviour is.
he needs to grow up. You should both be able to enjoy time out

@rosetta32 how did you and the children sleep?

Do you appreciate that looking after 2 small children for 5 days can be as harder, or harder, than going to work for 5 days?

Do you understand that the Op needs downtime too?

Do you understand that they are both parents, and come the weekend they have equal responsibility for looking after the children / housework etc?

Do you appreciate that it's therefore supremely unfair for one of the them to routinely disappear off for days, playing with their friends, while the other continues working?

Do you understand that when you nip out to see a friend at 10am, and still aren't home at 7pm, and will come home drunk and incapable of being useful, it's hugely disrespectful on your other half?

Do you see how offensive it is that this man prefers to be with his friends than his wife and children?

I'm fairly certain you're a man. One who thinks children are 'women's work' and men deserve their hobbies, but women don't deserve downtime.

@rosetta32 I am so very sorry he is doing this. It sounds like it has come totally out of the blue if he was a good sort with your eldest. It is awful how men can surprise us.

You’ve had lots of good advice but I just wanted to say this as I’m sure you’re shell-shocked this morning: You will be okay. Whatever you decide to do with what he does next, you will be okay.

His complete lack of interest in his family. Lying to you about nipping out then staying out all day and night. Not treating parenting as his responsibility. Seeing you as the house maid while he gets to puruse hobbies and see friends. Needing to 'catch up' with friends he sees every week, whilst not seeming to care about 'catching up' with the wife and children he's pretty much ignoring. Seeing his own stress (which may or may not be real) whilst completely ignoring his wife's stress. Worse than that, adding to his wife's stress - he goes out ad has fun all day and night so he feels better, which makes your stress worse. He either doesn't even think about that or doesn't care. Actually, it's the latter as you've made clear the impact of what he's doing.

And even when you say your retlationship is on the line, you're at the end of your tether, a night with his mates (who he's spent all day with already) is still more important.

Yes, I'd say he's checked out. And he either doesn't care if your marriage is over, or doesn't believe you'll really go through with it. (Presumably he thinks he's such a great catch you wouldn't ever leave him).

Well he's far from a great catch. Lousy husband. Useless father. Heavy drinker. Acts like a teenager, prioritising his mates and drinking over his family. Disrespects you. Shows you no care or support.

You deserve so much better. Your life would probably be easier without him in it.

A little update. I managed to finally fall asleep and was woken shortly after by my husband trying to cuddle me - so he came home. (I think sparked by the fact my brother is coming over).

I moved straight into the spare room at this point and have not spoke to him this morning. No apology from him at all or even an attempt at an apology when he got into bed.

Woke up this morning, and he's out the house again!!! He's taken the oldest with him to 'give me space' - but no suprise our baby is with me. Basically done a runner to not look like the bad guy in front of family.

I have barely slept. Feel so deflated.

You’re clearly a man 😂 ( or Mother of a man who forgot what it’s like to have small children)
Working is so much easier than looking after 2 small humans.
How about he steps up and does his part of parenting ?

Would you REALLY put your children in the care for 9 hours of a dickhead who is probably still drunk, or at the very least hungover, just to "teach him a lesson"?

Would you, really?

If so, you need to grow up and think about the care of the children rather than teaching him a lesson.

This situation is more serious than the usual "take a spa day" MN advice.

Edit - I know you put "if he is in a fit state" - it is pretty ruddy obvious he won't be

Organising for one partners life to flounder is an abuse strategy. My xh used to say he was at work. Same difference. It meant I wasn't cared for and he could come and go as he pleased because of all the 'stress'. It's not easy being on your own op buy it's easier than harbouring resentment because you are knowingly being treated like a fool.

What a coward. Next steps I reckon will be minimising etc… IMO play it calmly. Just explain that if his priorities are golf, mates, gym etc and he hasn't the empathy tonser you're tired and need support, then your priorities have changed and the relationship is doomed. You can work towards separation and 50/50 custody so you can have your down time too etc. Or... If he genuinely doesn't want tonsplot the family up, compromises need to be made, don't pander to him. You can and will survive this. My ex DH had the DC EOW and he still struggled with that but I had a weekend to myself at last!

OP, I genuinely think you'll be better off without this man.

Has he driven, with the toddler?

what a piece of work.
this is proper bread crumbing with a smidge of gaslighting.

You are the weirdo for not wanting a kiss and cuddle and Look! LOOK!! I do do things! I’m on my phone ignoring my kid while they play in the park!! She’s never happy! It’s probably her hormones mate… women eh? What can you do?

please use the time to compose yourself, get your toddler back when you can and tell him to fuck off and have a long hard think for himself.
edit: @chosenone s advice for the chat is much better 🤣

tell your DB and SIL everything and do not let him stay for their visit so you can talk freely. Get SIL to occupy your toddler if you need to so you can talk freely

just bottom it out NOW. It’s most likely going to get worse before it gets better So anything more covering up for him or minimising is just going to make it worse in the long run.

another +1 on the hope he hasn’t driven anywhere!?!

They need to sit down and have a proper, long chat as there is no indication that has happened.

I've met people IRL and the net where the OH has cheated or not pulled their weight. Often, when the cards are laid out on the table, many times things improve but not always

I would never suggest anyone leaves their OH without discussing what is going on, and what the other expects and if both sides agree, give it a go as IMO, divorce at times like this seems the easy option but it is NOT in situations like this as they need to talk properly and possibly have a mediator as well

When things are going wrong, it is so easy to make the situation a lot worse even when the OH is trying to be nice or say anything

Best thing is talk, have a trusted family mediator sit-in as a mediator if they want and kids out of the house or at least another room.

Divorce at times like this looks the easy way out but its not always the case

For the record, the majority of threads like this, too many MN's bang on about LTB - sadly, when it is their time to "LTB" - they experience first hand its not so easy if they have just found out their OH has, may have cheated

I hope it works out for the best for all of you

Thanks, she left him and she’s happier now. He was another one who didn’t bother with their kid.

Yeah well those are my suspicions but I really hope for your sake, that’s not the case. However even if it’s not an affair it sounds like he’s checked out.

From your last update about him coming home but avoiding your brother, I see he is the kind of man who doesn’t want to look like the bad guy which is pretty typical .

This makes me even more suspicious that his behaviour is designed to gradually push you away and eventually get you to call time on the marriage.

I hope you feel much better after your family visits.

Very good.
My husband is a good man, no kids, big age difference, doesn't let me do it all - but does it astonishingly wrong himself! 😁
I know, too much controlling, possible OCD...

So let’s me get that right.

You want a woman who has given birth recently and is still recovering from pg and birth, one that is bfing to …. go to work
only so that it becomes ‘even’ - both working.

Can you tell me how it’s going to change her dh behaviour (going away fur the whole day at WE? Showing no respect at all for the work she is doing during the week and every single night? And taking no responsibility as a FATHER?

And how it’s going to help the OP being less tired, feeling like a team with her dh and basically not be relegated to being a nanny and maid?

Text him and tell him that you won’t raise it in front of your family but once they leave you need to have a serious talk.

Then tell him everything and how you feel like a single parent and you’re struggling to see a future with someone so selfish.

Tell him exactly what he needs to do to change.
He is of course allowed a life but when you have kids your social life is going to reduce.

I would give it 4 weeks and if he’s not changed then I’d seriously consider ending things.

It sounds like he’s completely checked out and I hope that’s not because he’s having/planning to have an affair.

Trying to redeem himself by doing the absolute bare minimum and wanting praise for it. Stick to your guns! You deserve more than this.

Sorry @rosetta32 I was so vindicated by a PP that I stopped reading befire typing an answer.

Im sorry.
Im really sorry that your dh is a poor excuse of a man.
I agree he did a runner to avoid confrontation with you AND your brother.

But there is a serious discussion to have.
In the best world, this would be a wake up call. But I’m not holding my breath.

fwiw I know you told him yesterday that it was coming home or facing a divorce.
If he was (that?) drunk, I don’t think he would have been able to take a rational decision. However, if he STILL carries on with his full days out, then I dint think there is any going back. He will have had enough chances really.

How do you feel about getting divorced? Do you have support around you?