My husband is taking the p**s!!

[rosetta32]

I need to rant because I have nowhere else to rant. But I'm getting so frustrated with my husband.

We have a newborn baby and a 20 month old, so it's all very chaotic in the house, very busy, little sleep etc.

I am on maternity leave so at home with the kids in the week, which is lovely but also very tiring. When it comes to the weekend, it's nice to get a bit of a break and share responsibilities but this does not seem to be the case. He keeps booking golf days at the weekend (6-8 hours), football trips.

Today, he said he was nipping to see his friend and the gym at 10am. It's 7pm and he's not home, decided to enjoy the weather and grab drinks. I'm just furious, tired and pretty upset. Has he checked out do we think :(?

OP I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this. As your partner and father of your children, he should be supporting you in any way that he can, not completely shirking responsibility when he's not working. You sound like a wonderful person and mother and deserve so much more than that. Best wishes to you as you work out how to move forward.

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator

"how about you go to work and he stays at home?" 🙄

If it isn't clear by the numbers of posters that disagree with you, then you need to understand that your suggestions, even if meant kindly, come across as very patronizing. I don't like doing it, but honestly, judging from your response, I'm assuming you're a man.

Telling her to go back to work and let her husband stay home is ridiculous. She's on MATERNITY LEAVE- by law, time women are given to physically and mentally recover from the wear and tear and trauma they've experienced for the last 10 months. That doesn't happen overnight. It takes years, sometimes.

What she actually NEEDS is hands-on help! She doesn't have the luxury of golf days and football games, and, oh of course, drinks at the pub. She may be the one who gave birth but that baby is also his- his child, his responsibility, too. She may not be working at her place of employment, but with a newborn and a 20-month-old, she is most definitely working! And not just 5 days a week. It's 24/7 without any help from him.

When he's finished his daytime job, his responsibilities don't end there. Yet that's exactly how he's behaving. Since he's abandoned his dad duties why should he need time to de-stress? From taking care of 2-under-2, all day (and night), every day, including breastfeeding? No, that would be his wife.

With their first child, he was a caring, supportive equal parent. This time, he's behaving like a single man in his 20's. (Wonder why that is? Did you see that he's text her that he's not coming home? That he's staying over with a friend?)

Do you really still think that he deserves time to himself? That the problem is that OP is on mat leave? That she needs to go back to work so she can see how hard having a job is and let her poor DH trade for her "care-free" life?

If you are truly trying to help, why don't you put yourself in her shoes? Stop being an apologist for his poor behavior and instead offer practical suggestions. Ones that aren't condescending and are meant to help her, instead of the poor, tired, stressed-out man that you apparently think he is.

Oh god, it's you again.

So he's a golfer as well as a drinker. I worked in a golf club for years. They worked and golfed, and home was just a place to get washed, changed, fed, and go to bed. Their involvement with their children was nil - reduced to showing people a photo of them in their wallet. The number of times I had a woman crying, with two little ones in tow, sometimes a new born, turn up at the club at night crying because their husband said he would be doing 9 holes at 6am but was still there 15 hours later. Hundreds of times. And the phone calls put through to me from their wives, desperate for the men to come home.

He's also a drinker who likes to go out on the piss after a hard week at work and not have to be tied down to be home at a certain time to help look after babies. He can't deal with being a father. Many of them like the idea and like that a woman has had their children, but then the interest wears off and they want to be out of the house after working. I hope you can make him see that he isn't being a good husband or Dad, and if he doesn't understand that and promise to make it work, he's not going to go the distance with you. If he doesn't want to, he won't change. From what you have said, I'm not optimistic. He is selfish and unreliable. Hope you find happiness.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.
Your H is a complete c*nt for doing this to you.
My first thought was affair but he could just be a selfish prick that prioritises time with his friends over his wife and children.

Either way, leaving sounds like the best solution. I'm glad your brother is coming over in the morning. Accept all the support you can while the kids are little xxx

Your twat of a husband has checked out

My heart bleeds for him. Fucking toe rag 😡

Selfish prick. Golf seems to be the hobby every entitled selfish man-child opts for to get them out of any responsibilities. Don’t tolerate it or it will only get worse.

It’s like a switch has changed.
This all started during pregnancy and then since having our baby boy, he’s just been so distant from us all.

I am very sorry, @rosetta32. Your H is out there acting like a single guy, and is treating you and the children with utter contempt.

There is a reason H has devalued and detached from your marriage and family. The sudden ‘switch’ in his behavior began during your pregnancy, so it’s likely that something occurred at that time that triggered the drastic shift. I think an OW is around, and he has created this distance to justify his disloyalty and make room for his new investment. It speaks volumes that he is hardly acknowledging his newborn‘s existence, has withdrawn from his toddler, and couldn’t care less about leaving all the parenting and heavy lifting to you. Even if there has been no infidelity, this massively entitled husband and father is living a self-serving bachelor life.

@rosetta32, this latest stunt he has pulled is beyond the pale, and would be the absolute dealbreaker for me. It would be game over, and he would be staying elsewhere while I made arrangements to divorce.

If he wasn't like this with the first baby, could he have a touch of post natal depression? Maybe he is overwhelmed and this is his way of coping

^

That'll be it. What a reason to leave your wife with a newborn baby and a toddler to go out and get drink, AWOL.

He's shown you his true colours, op. You're in the trenches and he's left. To go out. To let his hair down.

Have you considered going with him for golf ie one of those family golf areas or a park etc instead of him playing golf?

^
yeah, that'll be right up his street, clearly

I have a 6 week old and a 20 month old - if my husband was fucking off like yours I wouldn’t be threatening divorce I’d be doing it. Please don’t put up with this.

He is garbage.

Please talk candidly to your DB and SIL tomorrow and take support where offered.

I am not trying to alarm you but his behaviour sounds wildly off and i doubt its going to magically resolve in the next week or so.

Either he is having am affair or the sort of existential crisis only fathers have the luxury of as they can walk away and find themselves/ follow their bliss/ whatever while mothers just have to get thefuck on with it.

My own experience is that my father did similar when my DMs youngest (my DB) was born. It resurfaced "his own childhood issues"... which apparently caused a arsehole metamorphosis from which he never recovered 🙄
When it happened to my DSis her DH was shagging about.

Please focus on yourself and your newborn. (I say this as someone with a toddler and newborn)
I also agree with @ahoyhoyhoy id be starting divorce proceedings.
Please do not wash iron or cook one fucking thing for him. He does not respect you.

I'd be amazed if he was having an affair. It looks to me like the reality of 2 children and the life shocks that come with it has hit him, and he's trying to escape from this reality. Not that this excuses his behaviour at all (which is utterly appalling), but I think posters suggesting another woman on the scene are extremely wide of the mark

Another selfish lazy entitled prick who thinks he’s above looking after his own children & doesn’t give a shit that you are struggling. I’d tell him he pulls his weight or leaves for good. Arse hole.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's good you have supportive family. He's a bastard doing this.

It doesn't matter if he's seeing another woman. This man isn't giving out what you need.

I hope your brother and sil enable you to get some rest.

Pack a bag for him for when he decides to show up.

I don't think it is "wide of the mark".
OP has described his change in behaviour as happening during the pregnancy. It was like flipping a switch. There has got to be a possibility of another woman or women to explain this change.
Tbh I'm sceptical about him video calling her last night. It seems very deliberate so she could actually see he was with friends. Whereas of course he could have been with anyone both before and after the call.
It would be silly for OP not to be aware of the possibility of another woman.But even if there isn't his behaviour is nothing short of disgusting. Both towards her and his children.

His friends must be awful too. 🙁

That's appalling behaviour. I'm so sorry OP. You have 3 children, not 2.

Can't believe how many males father children but have nothing to do with raising them in this day and age.

I know this is very much not the done thing nowadays, and utterly verboten on this site, but I'd almost be hoping your brother would have a word with him and ask him what the fuck he thinks he's playing at. It sounds like he's lost all respect for you but hearing someone else call him out might shock him a bit. Especially another man if he's all about the 'lads' at the moment (that is, if he's not seeing someone else).

What a shit situation for you OP.

I dont disagree with this.

External shaming might be one of the few effective tools at your disposable to try and get some short term improvement / practical support woth the children.

Is he close with his parents? Or own siblings?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It happened to me and is so shocking. Perhaps he might be having a temporary crisis, but either way I would still, at this point, get copies of all documentation including his salary and any bank accounts you don't share and send that back with your brother. I did that once I realised my ex had totally checked out and it turned out to be entirely necessary to be prepared and be several steps ahead of him. I'm glad your family are rallying round. The fact that he thinks he can just do this and leave you to carry everything is enough in itself for you to reevaluate everything, but I know, at the point when you are on maternity leave and are prioritising the children, it's hard not to want to give him the benefit of the doubt. When you have the energy, I think it's best to at least have a reserve plan of action about your work and finances, so that you can be self sufficient rather than put up with his cruel childishness.