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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is taking the p**s!!

315 replies

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 19:10

I need to rant because I have nowhere else to rant. But I'm getting so frustrated with my husband.

We have a newborn baby and a 20 month old, so it's all very chaotic in the house, very busy, little sleep etc.

I am on maternity leave so at home with the kids in the week, which is lovely but also very tiring. When it comes to the weekend, it's nice to get a bit of a break and share responsibilities but this does not seem to be the case. He keeps booking golf days at the weekend (6-8 hours), football trips.

Today, he said he was nipping to see his friend and the gym at 10am. It's 7pm and he's not home, decided to enjoy the weather and grab drinks. I'm just furious, tired and pretty upset. Has he checked out do we think :(?

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 18/05/2024 22:37

OP, you must feel so alone right now. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I think you should tell people IRL who can support you. It might be that you’re coming to a cross roads in your relationship; if so, you need your family and friends to help.

gretgret · 18/05/2024 22:40

It's very sad. I think many women could've written something similar. I think mothers are desperate for support and they are expecting it from fathers, who historically, have not been very inclined to do the child rearing. Majority of them seemingly lack the intrinsic need to be around their own young children for more than the minimum.

Who was supporting women in the past? The grandmas and the aunties?
Motherhood has never been so hard as it is today, (especially with the expectations of mums to also contribute economically fairly soon after giving birth.)

Original poster
rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 22:42

Thank you all. It helps to talk.

@Wishihadanalgorithm I think you are right. I almost do not want to reach out to anybody as it makes it more real.

@FFSWherearemyglasses I forgot about the boxing! He mentioned that yesterday and said he'd be staying up to watch it.

I know this can't continue, I need to try and get some rest so I can talk with a level head tomorrow.

To be honest, if he does not come home tonight, knowing how upset and confused I am, this will be a real deal breaker for me.

OP posts:
GingerPirate · 18/05/2024 22:43

gretgret · 18/05/2024 22:40

It's very sad. I think many women could've written something similar. I think mothers are desperate for support and they are expecting it from fathers, who historically, have not been very inclined to do the child rearing. Majority of them seemingly lack the intrinsic need to be around their own young children for more than the minimum.

Who was supporting women in the past? The grandmas and the aunties?
Motherhood has never been so hard as it is today, (especially with the expectations of mums to also contribute economically fairly soon after giving birth.)

Very true.
I chose not to have kids for many reasons
and as I got older, I realised there also weren't any men I would trust enough to have a child with.
Grim.

bonzaitree · 18/05/2024 22:46

You have lots of supporters on here OP.

can you call someone to come and help you tomorrow? Parent, sibling, friend?

If someone I loved was having issues I would come and help.

Reach out for help. Get some sleep and decent food in you. You can’t think without that.

Scrollbreadroll · 18/05/2024 22:48

He is taking the piss 100%. You are basically doing all the parenting yourself anyway, so I would take back some control here, don’t get mad just tell him you are unhappy and think he should move out. If he wants the single life then let him be single. If you keep letting him get away with this behaviour he will continue to do it. It does sound like he has checked out of family life, and I wouldn’t rule out there being someone else on the scene either. If he is distancing himself from you it usually means he is getting closer to someone else.

Original poster
rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 22:51

My brother and sister in law are going to come in the morning ❤️

OP posts:
MMadness · 18/05/2024 22:52

That motherfucker would be coming home to an empty house, I'd either be with family or in a hotel and my phone would be off for days.

Taking the piss is an understatement, he needs to do way better.

Confusedandemotional · 18/05/2024 22:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

rosesandlollipops · 18/05/2024 22:54

Can you go and stay with family for a few days or weeks? I'm not saying 'LTB' but stay with people who'll help you. His behaviour is appalling.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 18/05/2024 22:56

Just read the whole thread and just wanted to say how sorry I am you are going through this. Whatever is going on with your husband he doesn’t have the right to do this to you

Coco1379 · 18/05/2024 22:58

My husband was like that. I was doing it all as a single parent anyway - we divorced

user1464279374 · 18/05/2024 22:58

What a childish arsehole he's being. Agree if he doesn't come back tonight you should leave the house with the kids and stay elsewhere, turning off your phone.

Notamum12345577 · 18/05/2024 22:58

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 22:51

My brother and sister in law are going to come in the morning ❤️

I’m glad they are coming

sunnydaysanddaydreams · 18/05/2024 22:58

Very sorry you're going through this OP

Original poster
rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 22:59

In an ideal world, I would leave. But everything is here for the kids at home 😢. My eldest does not sleep well when we are away from home. He needs to leave the house, not me.

I tried the whole 'come home or our marriage is on the line'. It did not have any impact. The baby is unsettled tonight and I said that I need help - he's read this and ignored the message.

In complete shock to be honest. The lack of empathy and care from him is appalling.

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 18/05/2024 23:01

I agree. He needs to be the one to leave.

Crepester · 18/05/2024 23:02

rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 22:51

My brother and sister in law are going to come in the morning ❤️

thats great - and it’s good to hear of a supportive brother.

I had a sinking feeling as I read through your post updates and my suspicions were confirmed when you said he’s not coming home at all.

He’s acting so similar to my friends ex husband. He started staying out all night at “friends” too but was vague about where he was.

I warned her it was an affair and she was fuming at him staying out but it took the whole summer for her to accept it was an affair. She had thought he was ‘just’ being disrespectful and childish until she found a photo birthday card of him and his girlfriend and she finally realised he was cheating . He definitely left it there for her to find.

One of the pieces of advice I gave to her at the time is to get tested for STDs grim - I know but better safe than sorry. Even if he’s not cheating, At best it sounds as if he’s checked out and hasn’t bonded with the youngest :/

Confusedandemotional · 18/05/2024 23:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Crepester · 18/05/2024 23:08

It’s better you stay in your home anyway. He should move if anything.

I tried the whole 'come home or our marriage is on the line'. It did not have any impact.

My friend did the same thing when he first started staying out all night and he didn’t react or come home . She was baffled at how he had just switched to being so uncaring and defiant .

But as I told her, when men respond like this it’s usually because they want the marriage to break so they’re pushing their wife to call time on it so they don’t look like the bad guy. It’s very cowardly but common tactic I’ve seen men use a lot.

If I’m wrong and this is just one-off bad behaviour that would be better or at least less worse, but IMO it’s likely this is the start of a pattern. Get as much support form your family tomorrow as you can and be prepared for the likely possibility of this behaviour being repeated and escalated.

Original poster
rosetta32 · 18/05/2024 23:11

@Crepester 😢

I'm so sorry this happened to your friend. Men can be so deceitful.

I never really thought about an affair but it's very possible.

OP posts:
LouOver · 18/05/2024 23:11

You don't have to speak to him tomorrow op, take the help from your family and time to move from anger so you can be rationale when you lay it on the line for him.

To be clear I don't mean to see from his side. Because his side is a man child human garbage bin right now. But being clear headed will allow you to navigate and ask the right questions.

Bovrilla · 18/05/2024 23:14

Oh you deserve so, so much better than this idiot.

Hopefully your brother will be a support to help you have your waste of space out on his arse, bags packed!!!

AloeVerity · 18/05/2024 23:21

Change the locks first thing. How dare he? He isn’t welcome back as he clearly doesn’t give two hoots about you or the children. Value yourself, OP!

Hairyfairy01 · 18/05/2024 23:25

I'm sorry OP, be kind to yourself.