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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiancé bought a STI kit after stag do

364 replies

Soconfused2 · 16/05/2024 00:57

I saw an email over my fiances shoulder from an online pharmacy for an sti kit, a week after he got back from his stag do. I never ever thought I’d be the type of woman who wouldn’t say anything / confront him but we are less than 2 weeks out from our wedding and I don’t know how to approach the subject. One minute I’m convincing myself he purchased it for someone else and the next I’m beside myself not knowing what to do / how I’m supposed to marry him. How should I bring it up?! What do I say?!

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 16/05/2024 01:00

Soconfused2 · 16/05/2024 00:57

I saw an email over my fiances shoulder from an online pharmacy for an sti kit, a week after he got back from his stag do. I never ever thought I’d be the type of woman who wouldn’t say anything / confront him but we are less than 2 weeks out from our wedding and I don’t know how to approach the subject. One minute I’m convincing myself he purchased it for someone else and the next I’m beside myself not knowing what to do / how I’m supposed to marry him. How should I bring it up?! What do I say?!

please in the name of all that is holy, don't marry him. He's putting your health at risk!!! Cancel the wedding unless you want a lifetime of this anguish and possible sti's.

Icehockeyflowers · 16/05/2024 01:01

OP you know he bought this for himself. You know he had sex with someone else a few weeks before he is/was due to marry you.
Do not marry this man. Do not marry this man. Do not marry this man.

WinterMorn · 16/05/2024 01:02

You say “why are you buying an STI kit?”. It’s as simple as that. If you genuinely feel you can’t ask this, given all that is at stake, do not get married. It really is that black and white.

Superstoria · 16/05/2024 01:03

Bought it for someone else???

Ah, OP. You can’t marry him without having the conversation. You know that really. You’re worth more.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/05/2024 01:05

Bought it for someone else ? yes of course !

Soconfused2 · 16/05/2024 01:10

I already feel like an idiot. Of course I know he didn’t buy it for someone else but I just don’t want to believe that he would do that to me :-( I can’t explain the emotions I’m feeling at the moment and I’m so hurt and scared, this is going to completely change my life. I didn’t say anything at the time as in that split second I knew it was all over and I’m not ready to accept that. I have never ever understood women who stay with their partners after they cheat but now I realise why 😥

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 16/05/2024 01:16

There was similar a wee while back and I'm sure the excuse was,it's for a mate.
Utter crap.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/05/2024 01:17

' I knew it was all over and I’m not ready to accept that '

with less than 2 weeks to the wedding, when are you going to accept it ?
before ? or after the wedding !

Thevelvelletes · 16/05/2024 01:19

You have every right to be upset, heartbroken.speak with whom you can trust and can be open with.im so sorry you're going through this.

OrchardDoor · 16/05/2024 01:20

Sorry you're going through this

DysmalRadius · 16/05/2024 01:21

I'm so sorry - he's really fucked everything up for both of you, but somehow you're here trying to rationalise it while he's just going about his business hoping he gets the all clear before the wedding night presumably! 🤮

You don't have to make any decisions now, but the wedding does really put the pressure on so I hope you find the strength you need to confront him soon.

homezookeeper · 16/05/2024 01:21

You're not ready to accept it but you'd go through with marrying him in less than 2 weeks? This needs dealing with right now. Before the big day. Anything that was booked and arranged can be undone. You cannot betray yourself by letting it go ahead as if you didn’t know. I’m sorry but you have to confront him. This is no way to start a marriage.
If you went ahead without a word, would you also accept it if you found signs of him cheating afterwards? Stand up for yourself and do not be made out a fool by this man.
If he's ordered a kit it sounds like he's got symptoms. He may very well have passed anything onto you so you need to get yourself checked too.

mummytrex · 16/05/2024 01:25

It will be easier to extract yourself now than later. If you need time are you able to postpone? Don't feel pressure of others. you're all that matters.

Opentooffers · 16/05/2024 01:26

Do you live together, own your home? Perhaps write it in a letter, then arrange to go and stay with friends/family for the weekend - and maybe ask him to move out while you are gone.

Catsmere · 16/05/2024 01:30

Don't marry him. He's cheated on you, and there's every chance he's used a prostituted woman if it was at a stag do. Two massive red flags.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 16/05/2024 01:37

It is easier to cancel a wedding than get divorced.

rainbowstardrops · 16/05/2024 01:44

DifficultBloodyWoman · 16/05/2024 01:37

It is easier to cancel a wedding than get divorced.

Absolutely!
I'd be asking him straight out why he's buying an std kit!

alcoholnightmare · 16/05/2024 01:44

DifficultBloodyWoman · 16/05/2024 01:37

It is easier to cancel a wedding than get divorced.

I cancelled my wedding 15 years ago - 2.5 weeks before the wedding day as I KNEW we'd end up divorced. Also cheating suspected.
Best thing I ever did, and the people who respected me most were my parents divorced and married friends and aunties and uncles.
So glad I made that decision. We lost deposits, but paid everyone back as guests has paid towards our honeymoon.
It was okay.
You'll be okay.
I'm now married with three children

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2024 02:01

You will regret marrying him forever. The divorce you'll eventually have to go through will be harrowing and expensive, and you will curse the day you ignored your instincts and married him.

savethatkitty · 16/05/2024 02:28

Oh love, that sucks. I'm so sorry.

First things first; you probably might want to get yourself tested.

Then throw the cheating scumbag to the curb. That's awful behavior. Obviously shows he didn't have safe sex when he cheated, leaving you open to all sorts of nasties.

BreadInCaptivity · 16/05/2024 02:28

He's given you a gift in the sense of telling you the type of husband he would be.

Take it.

Walk (run) away and don't look back.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 16/05/2024 02:36

Definitely confront him but he will probably lie. You have to think why has he bought it. Did he have unprotected sex? Does he have symptoms? Did he sleep with someone high risk?

Has he had sex with you? Is your health at risk?

livefully · 16/05/2024 02:40

I'm sorry this happened OP. One day you will look back and be glad you found out before the wedding.

Duckschmuck · 16/05/2024 02:53

You're not an idiot. He's broken this and that he could do that and change your world is devastating and takes time to accept. That he has not taken responsibility and is still not behaving in a way that is consistent with the person you believed he was, will now create a dichotomy between the life you thought you had and the one you do. With it seeming like you're the one who has to blow up all your dreams, with no road back, but it's him not you who has put you in this position and you have very little choice to retain your self respect in the long run.

Happyinarcon · 16/05/2024 03:34

Would he really be dumb enough to order whatever kit this might be in a laptop with you floating around in the background? I would be more concerned my partner was an idiot than had an STD. Next time tell him to order using his mobile phone and then not to leave his phone out so you can’t inadvertently read every notification