Fiancé bought a STI kit after stag do

[Soconfused2]

I saw an email over my fiances shoulder from an online pharmacy for an sti kit, a week after he got back from his stag do. I never ever thought I’d be the type of woman who wouldn’t say anything / confront him but we are less than 2 weeks out from our wedding and I don’t know how to approach the subject. One minute I’m convincing myself he purchased it for someone else and the next I’m beside myself not knowing what to do / how I’m supposed to marry him. How should I bring it up?! What do I say?!

"Don't mention the test to him
Tell him someone told you that he slept with someone else on the stag"

Yep. Don't show him your hand and make him think he's been grassed up. I'd also be telling him there's "evidence" so if he doesn't tell all in 10 minutes he can pack his bags and fuck off. (Then obviously still kick the dirty scumbag out)

Apart from the lying/cheating/putting your health at risk aspects of this - which would be enough to set me running for the hills - you can be sure this will always be a source of sneaky laughter amongst the other stags ("remember that prossie X went with at his stag and wifey still don't know"). Also, you can be sure some of the other wives and girlfriends already know and some will be looking at you with pity whilst some will be gossiping and giggling about it behind your back.

Would I live like that? No fucking way.
You've a difficult day ahead of you but get it done and dusted.

“Separate the marriage you want from the wedding that is organised.”

This is excellent advice.

Better to cancel a wedding than to get divorced. Talk to him, you'll know from his reaction. Ask him to show you his messages/emails.

Don't marry him, he's a cheater. Check up on his devices and do your research before you confront him and he has chance to come up with a good story.

Please say something to him. Call off the wedding, getting divorced costs money and you stand to lose out financially for years after (pension sharing etc). If you just cancel the wedding you have a one time hit and that's all.

An STI check immediately after event is unlikely to be accurate. You have to wait a few weeks after sexusl activities.

Also, he not only cheated, but had unprotected sex. Think on that, he didn't even respect you enough to wear a condom

This is good advice OP

You know he will come out with all kinds of flannel about why he bought the test - PP have outlined exactly what he's gonna say. Followed by " I can't believe you don't trust me etc, you're a terrible person to think this of me, how can you jump to conclusions etc etc"

Best to tell him you know what happened on the stag do and he has one chance to tell you everything or it's over.

This. While it will be more publically instantly known now, it will be a far easier process than after the wedding.

Better you find out now. Tell him to cancel the wedding and tell him he knows why

@Takenoprisoner really, on the first post?

I actually think this is great advice. He will try and bullshit his way out of the STI test but if he thinks someone told you what happened it will be harder to bull-shit his way out of.

I don’t usually advocate snooping but do you think you could access his phone in the night to try and build a picture of what happened? Check his WhatsApp /deleted items etc?

That's so awful OP. My sister got married abroad and while we were on holiday right before the wedding she got massive jitters and didn't want to go through with it. I persuaded her she had to, we were all there and the wedding was a few days away. She went in to have an unhappy marriage with three children and it's all ended in tears after ten years. She's now struggling as a single parent with a narcissistic ex who makes her life hell. Apart from my lovely niece and nephrons, nothing good came of it and I regret pushing her into it.

Ask someone else to tell everyone it's cancelled and to give you some space for now. Then you're not dealing with it.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you but one day you'll look back and realise what a lucky escape you had! What a scumbag.

I agree that this is excellent advice. It's what you need to keep in mind.

The wedding is one day. The marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life.

Is this really the marriage you want? The one where he had sex with someone else a few weeks before making that commitment to you?

It's not the marriage I'd want.

The problem you have is that, with the wedding being so close, you feel like you don't have the time to process it but your gut reaction was that it's over. That is the reality.

Marriage doesn't actually change anything or anyone in the sense that neither of you become different people after the wedding. If this is who he is and what he will do then this this is who he is and what he will do.

If you go through with it, it will be in the back of your mind through the ceremony, during the vows and you are likely to wake up the following morning with a huge amount of buyers remorse and it'll be so much harder.

Don't think about the wedding. Think about the rest of your life.

If someone I knew cancelled a wedding at short notice for this reason, I'd be sad for them but so relieved for them that they weren't going through with it for the sake of appearances or the money involved

Absolutely awful to be going through this so close to your wedding. Your head must be all over the place.

You have two choices: accept it’s over now, or carry on with this charade. Either way, it’ll end the same way. It just depends on how much time you want to waste. There’s no future in a marriage that’s starting off with lies and a lack of trust.

Option 1:

• You go ahead with the wedding because you not want to let people down/cause a fuss/make a scene.
• You convince yourself it’s a one off fling before he settles down for good.
• You work on your marriage, have a couple of kids maybe.
• Everything’s wonderful.
• But there’s that niggling feeling that just won’t go away.
• Every time he goes anywhere without you, you worry.
• You start to get suspicious and search through his phone
• He’s at it again, how could he?
• You can’t believe how stupid you’ve been and wish you’d left the first time!
• It’s harder to kick him out now because of kids/finances.

Option 2

• Ditch him now. Lots of drama. Your embarrassed.
• A few months on it’s all forgotten about.
• You move on with your life.
• A year from now you think thank fuck I didn’t marry that twat.

I'm sorry, but if you can't even have an honest conversation, it's doomed anyway. It's good that you found this out now. And it's definitely not for someone else. Don't put your head in the sand or you'll be on here in a few years time tracing it all back to that moment where you could've got out now and not ended up unhappily married to a man you cannot trust who doesn't truly love and respect you.

Well. If you do get married then ...... Good luck on wasting your future away x

OP please choose option 2, for your sake

@Powderblue1 I did the same thing, to my shame.

We all went abroad for our friend’s wedding. We were friends of the groom. The first night we got there we all went out drinking and the couple got into a bit of an argument. The groom told me he didn’t want to marry her. I told him to get a grip.

They were divorced within a few years.

With hindsight, even if I’d said ‘call it off’ I doubt he would have. It would have saved him a whole lot of hassle though. The divorce was messy and costly.

My exh did similar on a lads holiday. He came home visibly riddled with guilt but the strange thing was he opened up that he remembered going to a sex show kind of club, didn't remember what happened there, apparently definitely didn't cheat, but for some inexplicable reason was very anxious about having picked up an STI and so bought a test kit.

I was exhausted with a 5 month old and didn't have the energy to think about or question it. We're divorced now for other reasons but looking back it's quite clear what happened.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You need to gather some strength now to do what you know you need to do

How are you going to say your vows and listen to him saying his with all his stag do mates watching on? At some point your rage and disappointment is bound to spill out.

I'm so sorry OP. A marriage is for life, a wedding is just for a day. Cancel it and I suspect you won't regret it.

I agree that if you want to extract a confession from him then don't show your hand. Give the impression that someone has told you.

If you do reveal that you know about the test and he tries to claim it is for a mate then you could still get to the bottom of the truth if this mate has a partner. Even though you know your partner if lying, you say that the mate will need to tell their partner or you will end your own relationship and either your partner will have to come clean to save his friendship or the mate will have to tell his wife/girlfriend and no-one would pretend they cheated to their own partner to cover for a mate.

Good luck op. Today is the start of the rest of your life x

You know what you have to do and you know that while it’ll be hard, it’ll be so much harder if you’re married. As a first step, find someone to tell who will give you a push and a handhold while you navigate what happens next.

Oh pet. How awful.

I used to be afraid to rock boats. It's only now I look back and think, that boat shouldn't have sailed.

Xx

Don't be so mean to the OP. Her whole life has been destroyed in a split second and your reaction is to have a go?