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Original poster

Fiancé bought a STI kit after stag do

364 replies

Soconfused2 · 16/05/2024 00:57

I saw an email over my fiances shoulder from an online pharmacy for an sti kit, a week after he got back from his stag do. I never ever thought I’d be the type of woman who wouldn’t say anything / confront him but we are less than 2 weeks out from our wedding and I don’t know how to approach the subject. One minute I’m convincing myself he purchased it for someone else and the next I’m beside myself not knowing what to do / how I’m supposed to marry him. How should I bring it up?! What do I say?!

OP posts:
TealSapphire · 16/05/2024 03:39

Get ready for some ridiculous excuses from him.

It was sent to him by mistake

It's for a friend

He accidentally shared a drink with someone

😞 sorry OP

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 16/05/2024 03:54

It won’t be the first time and certainly not the last. Always have protected sex with your husband, as he’s going to cheat on you, at least you are aware of the fact.

Unless you want to add ‘liar’ to your future husband’s list of attributes I’d wipe the email from your brain. (Did he want you to see it?! It’s the type of email you’d delete immediately!)

To have this out with him, have him lie, you swallow it then go ahead and get married, with him knowing you’ll buy anything is even worse. You’ll never trust him again, it’ll cause arguments, resentment.

Sorry this has happened, all I can say is imagine what you would say to a daughter or friend in the same situation. Only you know if you can live with it.

KomodoOhno · 16/05/2024 03:58

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/05/2024 01:05

Bought it for someone else ? yes of course !

There is no possibility this is not exactly what it looks like. Save yourself from marrying this man.

MuthaHubbard · 16/05/2024 04:03

Also - have you had sex since the stag do? If so, he couldn't give a monkeys about your health either
He's cheating and riddled before marriage, if you go ahead knowing that then that would surely set the tone for the rest of your relationship

ShrinkingDaffodil · 16/05/2024 04:03

One of my friends once slept with someone behind her H’a back and asked me to order her an STI kit to my house.
I told her I would but that I would need to tell my DH as wasn’t willing to risk my relationship to help cover her cheating.
I told my DH before I ordered it who it was for and asked if he had an issue with me ordering it. Apart from him then thinking less of my friend for being a cheat he had no issue as he trusted me when I said I was ordering it for her.

So even if he was ordering for a friend it shows that he regards their needs higher than yours & is willing to cause you to distrust him.

I can’t even imagine the turmoil you feel having to think of calling off your wedding 2 weeks before it happening but just trust your gut that this isn’t the man you want to see at the end of the aisle promising your life to. Your family & friends will surely rally round and get you through this 💕

Wildhorses2244 · 16/05/2024 04:05

This is so hard, but far better that you find out now and not in 3 weeks time.

I think in your position I’d keep what I’d seen quiet and say “I think that there is something that you need to tell me before we get married “ and see what he comes out with.

If that doesn’t elicit a response I’d probably try “complete honesty here has a chance of saving our relationship, nothing else does “

I wouldn’t marry a man who did this, but only you can decide.

Bansheed · 16/05/2024 04:10

The thing is, by seeing this, your hopes and dreams for your marriage are already shattered. You would spend your marriage wondering if now he has done this, and got away with it, whether he would do it again. That is not the marriage you want. It would be there everytime he went away, or when things get tough.

Separate the marriage you want from the wedding that is organised.

I really feel for you, it is shit, but you are protecting your future life and the marriage you want and deserve.

It may have been just a stupid mistake but it has huge consequences for your future happiness.

FedUpMumof10YO · 16/05/2024 04:16

Someone was looking after you by giving you a sign before the wedding.

You've been given an opp to change the direction of your life.

Yes you've got to deal with added trauma quickly but at least you didn't marry him and have kids.

It hurts but one day it will stop.

You can't marry someone you don't trust.

Push through the pain for the greater good.'

costahotchocolatesaremyweakness · 16/05/2024 04:21

I have a good friend who cancelled her wedding 3 weeks out. It was a destination wedding, they lost all their deposits, had a fair bit of grief from their families. However, it is the best decision she ever made. They were not right for each other at all, and would have divorced quickly. She is with someone, very happy together, 5 years on and they are planning their future together. The wedding debts are paid off. Her family doesn’t care anymore and her real friends all gathered around to support her and didn’t give AF about the cancelled trip, just that she was ok. He is going to lie, he’s going to tell you it was for a mate, he’s going to say it was a one off, that they got him a stripper and he was tied naked to a chair while she was grinding on him and he’s “freaked out” or some bs. You know what happened. A woman’s gut is nearly always right. Walk away now, or you’ll regret it later. What he’s done is disgusting. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Bansheed · 16/05/2024 04:47

I always think this is a danger of tbis happening with the culture of stag dos. It creates a highly charged sexualised atmosphere and entitlement. So, so fucking dumb with the risk to relationahips involved.

I got married recently. My DH has loads of mates and likes a drink. The first questions from his mates were "where is the stag", I was surprised when he said he didn't want one. He demurred about why but eventually said, no good comes at a stag and I don't want that. He is 50 though and has grown up a bit. I had a wild hen, but a private party with my fiends and daughters only. The narrative behind hen and stags is that it is last chance saloon and that is shit. And so destructive

beenwhereyouare · 16/05/2024 05:29

Happyinarcon · 16/05/2024 03:34

Would he really be dumb enough to order whatever kit this might be in a laptop with you floating around in the background? I would be more concerned my partner was an idiot than had an STD. Next time tell him to order using his mobile phone and then not to leave his phone out so you can’t inadvertently read every notification

Sarcasm?
Please, Lord, I hope so. Tell me you're not seriously trying to excuse this with wild, invented explanations.

OP knows what she saw- an online pharmacy order for an STI test kit. Please be kind and don't encourage her to doubt herself.

frozendaisy · 16/05/2024 05:41

It's absolutely possible to have a stag do and not need an STI testing kit on return.

You confront him OP.

I would start with an "i know so let's avoid the bullshit" question.

What STIs are you testing for exactly?
You need tests 3 months apart for HIV you know and Herpes is for life. So was it one woman/hooker or more than one?

HazelWicker · 16/05/2024 05:44

I found out my new H had cheated on me the day after our wedding. I was unable to divorce for a year and legal advice was that annulments aren't really a thing in England so that wasn't an option.

Don't marry the bastard and get trapped. I was devastated to have found out after the wedding. You are in a much better position knowing before, you have the control to stop this shitshow before you're tied to him.

solice84 · 16/05/2024 06:06

Don't mention the test to him
Tell him someone told you that he slept with someone else on the stag
That's how I got my ex to admit his drink driving ban even though I knew another way but I couldn't tell him how
Only mention the test if he pleads ignorant
Because he probably will give you a bullshit excuse that he's bought it for someone else otherwise

sugarrosepetal · 16/05/2024 06:08

Ask him straight out. Check his search history and see if he has hidden it. If he has hidden it, it tells you all you need to know.

Don't let this lie or he will think it's ok. Remember, we set the benchmark of our own boundaries and what we allow. He could have passed on an sti, or gotten the other party pregnant if it was a female he slept with.

AgentProvocateur · 16/05/2024 06:12

If he’s cheated now, he’ll cheat on you again once you’re married.

TeeBee · 16/05/2024 06:13

One day, you'll see this for the gift that it is. A very clear insight into the person he is. Take that gift and walk out with it. You're destined for much better things.

TeeBee · 16/05/2024 06:15

And had he slept with you without protection since his return from the stag do?

Beatrixslobber · 16/05/2024 06:17

I would be getting tested myself @Soconfused2 .

How dare he do this to you! Find your anger!

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 16/05/2024 06:18

Run

XMissPlacedX · 16/05/2024 06:23

Welcome to your new life if you marry this man. Get out before the wedding and kids.

furryblanky · 16/05/2024 06:24

You must be feeling heartbroken. Sending love to you OP.

Frangipanyoul8r · 16/05/2024 06:30

Just ask him ASAP, don’t put it off. His reaction will tell you the truth.

Solidlump · 16/05/2024 06:33

Absolutly horrible for you OP.
The fact he has cheated on you is bad enough. I don't see how you can go ahead with the wedding but if you did you would have to accept that all his friends from the stag do would be at the ceremony also knowing he had cheated on you. Like a ritual humiliation.
And on top of that the knowledge he has put your sexual health at risk.

PotatoPudding · 16/05/2024 06:34
  1. You know he’d bought it for himself
  2. You need to find out if he’s positive for an STI
  3. You know what you have to do next