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Original poster

Fiancé bought a STI kit after stag do

364 replies

Soconfused2 · 16/05/2024 00:57

I saw an email over my fiances shoulder from an online pharmacy for an sti kit, a week after he got back from his stag do. I never ever thought I’d be the type of woman who wouldn’t say anything / confront him but we are less than 2 weeks out from our wedding and I don’t know how to approach the subject. One minute I’m convincing myself he purchased it for someone else and the next I’m beside myself not knowing what to do / how I’m supposed to marry him. How should I bring it up?! What do I say?!

OP posts:
socks1107 · 16/05/2024 07:23

My ex husband did this to his first wife on his stag do, I married him years later and he did the same thing to me on someone else's stag do.
He's now in very controlling third marriage presumably because she doesn't trust him.
Please don't marry him, he'll have got away with it and will do it again

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/05/2024 07:24

You deserve so much better than a man who will do that. And if he will do it before you are married there is nothing to say he won't do it afterwards on someone else's stag do.

What's your situation regarding children and housing?

GreyCarpet · 16/05/2024 07:24

StMarieforme · 16/05/2024 07:21

Don't be so mean to the OP. Her whole life has been destroyed in a split second and your reaction is to have a go?

Show quote history

I didn't read it as that poster having a go or 'being mean'.

When you strip away everything else, that's the stark reality.

Sometimes, when you're in the thick of it and can't see the wood for the trees, having it stripped back to the basics can be really helpful. It stops the rest of the noise interfering.

FloofyBear · 16/05/2024 07:25

You need to sit down with him and talk. If you go off on one he'll rear up too and you'll just row. Swallow your pain and talk. If he's been unfaithful then he needs to be honest
Good luck in whatever you do

GreyCarpet · 16/05/2024 07:26

Onehappymam · 16/05/2024 06:57

Absolutely awful to be going through this so close to your wedding. Your head must be all over the place.

You have two choices: accept it’s over now, or carry on with this charade. Either way, it’ll end the same way. It just depends on how much time you want to waste. There’s no future in a marriage that’s starting off with lies and a lack of trust.

Option 1:

  • You go ahead with the wedding because you not want to let people down/cause a fuss/make a scene.
  • You convince yourself it’s a one off fling before he settles down for good.
  • You work on your marriage, have a couple of kids maybe.
  • Everything’s wonderful.
  • But there’s that niggling feeling that just won’t go away.
  • Every time he goes anywhere without you, you worry.
  • You start to get suspicious and search through his phone
  • He’s at it again, how could he?
  • You can’t believe how stupid you’ve been and wish you’d left the first time!
  • It’s harder to kick him out now because of kids/finances.

Option 2

  • Ditch him now. Lots of drama. Your embarrassed.
  • A few months on it’s all forgotten about.
  • You move on with your life.
  • A year from now you think thank fuck I didn’t marry that twat.

That's exactly what those two proposed futures would look like too.

TokyoSushi · 16/05/2024 07:27

PotatoPudding · 16/05/2024 06:40

“Separate the marriage you want from the wedding that is organised.”

This is excellent advice.

Yes agree, oh OP, sending strength.

susiedaisy1912 · 16/05/2024 07:31

Ah op I feel for you. He has ruined everything. Please don't marry him and don't feel bad for having to cancel the wedding, it is him who has broken the trust and respect in this situation. You are completely innocent. Don't feel embarrassed of telling people the truth either. This is his shame not yours.

needsomewarmsunshine · 16/05/2024 07:34

I'm going to stick my neck out and say...he might have meant you to see that email order.
May he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know how to break it off with you.
Which ever wat you look at it it he a being twat, but this has given YOU the reason not to marry him.

AngelinaFibres · 16/05/2024 07:35

Soconfused2 · 16/05/2024 01:10

I already feel like an idiot. Of course I know he didn’t buy it for someone else but I just don’t want to believe that he would do that to me :-( I can’t explain the emotions I’m feeling at the moment and I’m so hurt and scared, this is going to completely change my life. I didn’t say anything at the time as in that split second I knew it was all over and I’m not ready to accept that. I have never ever understood women who stay with their partners after they cheat but now I realise why 😥

As a divorcee,who married a man she shouldn't have married, I cannot stress strongly enough that getting out of a wedding is a billion times easier than getting out of a marriage. Do not marry this man.

Foxblue · 16/05/2024 07:36

If he had bought it for a mate, then he has no reason not to tell you, unless he bought it for a mate because that mate is also in a relationship and he didn't want his partner finding out, in which case you still shouldn't marry him because he is enabling disgusting behaviour.

OP if you marry this man - you will regret it. See it as a chance, freedom to turn your life around - you can do this.

QuitChewingMyPlectrum · 16/05/2024 07:37

I guess the question here is whether you confront the fact that he's thrown a grenade into your trust of him, or spend your life trying to ignore it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But if you can't speak to him about it, that's a problem in itself. You've done nothing wrong. You saw what you saw. Please for your own sanity, address it.

AIstolemylunch · 16/05/2024 07:38

This is really shit, so sorry OP.

AngelinaFibres · 16/05/2024 07:44

Have you had sex with him since his stag do. If he's got a nasty itch the chances are you'll have it too. Slightly takes the shine off the big white dress ,flowers and photos I'm afraid . My friend married a man who turned out to have 5 prostitutes on speed dial. Slightly more extreme than a one time shag at a stag but the end result is the same. She found out because he gave her an STI. Please, please don't marry him.

Lampzade · 16/05/2024 07:46

solice84 · 16/05/2024 06:06

Don't mention the test to him
Tell him someone told you that he slept with someone else on the stag
That's how I got my ex to admit his drink driving ban even though I knew another way but I couldn't tell him how
Only mention the test if he pleads ignorant
Because he probably will give you a bullshit excuse that he's bought it for someone else otherwise

See this is what I would do
There is no point asking him about the test when you don’t actually have any real concrete evidence that he cheated . He will lie like a cheap rug. He will gaslight you and tell you that you are paranoid. He may even get one of his mates to lie for him
I would tell him that your were told that he slept with someone else ( don’t mention the stag do). He may have slept with someone else but it may not have been at the stag do
You know him and will be able to tell if he is lying

isthesolution · 16/05/2024 07:47

He slept with someone else. AND he is an idiot - he was stupid enough to allow you to see the email!

I'd ask him outright - why did you buy an sti kit? See his answer and go from there.

Do not marry him because the wedding is already planned, paid for, you've been looking forward to it, the venue won't refund etc etc. I've seen weddings go ahead for these reasons - they always end in tears.

Alwaysalwayscold · 16/05/2024 07:48

OP don't let the wedding cloud your judgement or apply pressure to stay. So sorry you're going through this. Some of the boards on here are great for support and practical advice if you're struggling.

Calliopespa · 16/05/2024 07:50

HazelWicker · 16/05/2024 05:44

I found out my new H had cheated on me the day after our wedding. I was unable to divorce for a year and legal advice was that annulments aren't really a thing in England so that wasn't an option.

Don't marry the bastard and get trapped. I was devastated to have found out after the wedding. You are in a much better position knowing before, you have the control to stop this shitshow before you're tied to him.

This is wise, wise advice Op.

And Hazel I’m so sorry. How did you find out? I hope he didn’t let his guard down because it was “ too late” for you to back out.

Think about this poster’s scenario OP if you have any doubts about the impact of going through with the ceremony, and thank your lucky stars you know now.

But I’m sorry OP: it’s heartbreaking.

GreyCarpet · 16/05/2024 07:51

Lampzade · 16/05/2024 07:46

See this is what I would do
There is no point asking him about the test when you don’t actually have any real concrete evidence that he cheated . He will lie like a cheap rug. He will gaslight you and tell you that you are paranoid. He may even get one of his mates to lie for him
I would tell him that your were told that he slept with someone else ( don’t mention the stag do). He may have slept with someone else but it may not have been at the stag do
You know him and will be able to tell if he is lying

Show quote history

I'd do this.

If you ask questions, he can deny. He might already have a prepared response.

If you present it as a fact, it's far harder to lie from that because his first thought will be who told you/how do you know/do you know or are you speculating/how much do ypu know - what can he get away with admitting? and he'll falter.

imgonnalooseit · 16/05/2024 07:52

Sorry OP that's rough either way your gonna need to ask him to hey it's about.

HazelWicker · 16/05/2024 07:55

Also if you want someone to message, happy to be that person, OP. I said up thread I found out the day after the wedding my ex had cheated. I didn't actually leave him. Stayed with him seven more years until surprise surprise I found out he'd done it again. Sadly had a 2YO as collateral and have been a single parent for a year now. My life is infinitely better now than when I was with him though. Staying was not the right thing to do, and I think it very rarely is (possibly if someone fucks up and holds their hands up about it as opposed to being rumbled I could understand giving it another go).

Like I said, here if you want to talk.

caringcarer · 16/05/2024 07:57

livefully · 16/05/2024 02:40

I'm sorry this happened OP. One day you will look back and be glad you found out before the wedding.

This. Thank goodness you found out before you married a cheat. Go and get yourself tested and ask him to move out. If he truly loved you he wouldn't have cheated on you. He's a pig for doing this. You have 2 weeks left to cancel the wedding and if you've booked a honeymoon you go and take a friend with you. I hope you have good parents and friends around you in real life. Tell your parents and friends what he did. Don't protect him from what he's done. This is all his fault.

Guavafish1 · 16/05/2024 07:57

I'm sorry for you... its not easy.

I do think you should ask him and see what happens next

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/05/2024 07:58

So sorry op, he is a shit. Do not wait, you need to get out of this wedding. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN

ExcitedButNervous0424 · 16/05/2024 08:00

Would he be stupid enough to buy an STI kit with you standing behind you? Really?!

And you literally must have been right behind him to read an email over his shoulder and see exactly what it said.

Beargrumps22 · 16/05/2024 08:05

don't make excuses for him cancel the wedding this is only the start of your heart ache otherwise it will be an ongoing saga of cheating and lying. better you get the hard work of cancelling over now not going to go through a divorce. btw get yourself tested too