Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal

In What ways do you help her?

Ouch - that's pretty cold of her to say that. I think counselling would help you.

Well I think she's pretty clearly told you that, for her, your relationship is ended.

I think tell her you need to divorce, sell the house if owned and move on with separate, hopefully happy, lives.

“I feel like I've tried to make an effort.” A relationship isn’t just about sex, have you always pulled your weight with the kids, housework, mental load (planning holidays, organising saving, making dentist appointments and taking the kids, buying next size up clothing, making Christmas plans and choosing/buying presents). We don’t know what has been going on in your relationship but if the answer is no then it’s likely she has had no mental or physical energy and this will have caused resentment.

Just re read your post. For whatever reasons she isn’t interested in you anymore and has been very explicit in that. I’m sorry but I agree other than co parents it doesn’t sound like you have a relationship.

Have you been helping her because you thought you'd get intimacy in return? Or because you're an adult , and they are your dc , and not everything is her responsibility?

@Swimmingtosurvive

I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

It sounds as though she really wanted children and the resources to maintain them and, now that she has this, you are surplus to requirements apart what you can supply for your children.

She's made it plain the two of you have no relationship, so you need to get your own life arranged for your own happiness, including time with your children, post separation/divorce.

Get your ducks in a row to enable your future, (including taking legal advice from a family law solicitor) divorcing with as little pain as possible, ensuring your children are protected as possible during the process. 🌹

When she says you have done nothing wrong, it's likely that this means that she just doesn't want to discuss it.

In any relationship there are upsets and disagreements. It sounds like she has moved past wanting to work on the relationship to believing that there is no point.

If you genuinely want to know what the issues are, try to remember a few years back. What was she often upset about then? What was she often trying to talk to you about?

Separate and co parent. She doesn't want to be with you and has told you such.

House work is split 50/50
Running kids around to clubs - I can't do school run very often due to work but she hasn't worked since kids so takes on this aspect
Financial planning
Helped her through recent illness
Making time for her each evening
Listening to her when she's down
Taking charge of situations when she doesn't feel she can

Things along those lines I guess. Sure there's more but I feel like I am almost always trying to go out of my way to help when she asks or when I notice she's struggling.

I really think you should have a conversation with her about the fact that without attempting to make any changes to benefit both of you, especially as you are very willing to work at it and are aware you aren't perfect either, is risking your entire marriage and family breaking down. It's really not healthy to completely prioritize the children and treat the marriage like its irrelevant and has served it's purpose. It's very destructive and damaging to all of you but especially your children. Children don't want to have the power to dominate their parents lives, and I am sure they don't want to see you separate and get a divorce.

Because I feel like it is my duty to help. I grew up in a household where both parents pulled their weight and have always done this. I actually enjoy helping do the jobs around the house.

Why isn’t she working? Did she want to work?

Thanks. The times she was upset were normally around external factors like work, friends and family. I'd end up fighting her corner on these fronts and that would bring us closer. I honestly can't remember other things that were raised and every time she's mentioned something about me it's been little things like loading the dishwasher wrong or sorting the washing differently to she would. In those cases I've made her show me how she'd like it done and corrected myself. I know there must be more though.

Have you asked whether she still loves you? Whether she wants to stay married to you? And if the answer is yes whether that is just bc of the effect it will have on your kids?

It’s a sad situation but it could be down to many different reasons.

How much support did you give her when your eldest was born? Were you an equal participant in the early days of sleepless nights, endless feeds and nappies?

Did she have post natal depression?

Is she largely responsible for the day to day running of the house and the vast majority of meeting the children’s needs and caring for them?

If so, she may be resentful to some
degree / has taken ownership of that responsibility and consciously or subconsciously pushed you out, creating a separate primary relationship with them and a you vs them scenario. In effect become a single parent while still married and living with you.

Would you say you do your bit in your role as their father in terms of their care and spending time with them? If not, she may feel she has to pick up the slack and make up for this deficit.

Having kids fundamentally changes the romantic relationship between partners, especially early on. It’s exhausting and strong bonds are being formed. One parent may be the bread-winner but ultimately it must still be a team effort and not taken for granted that the other parent will automatically bear the load without complaint or consequences to their mental and physical health. It’s stressful and knackering! Does she see you swan off to hobbies and nights out at the pub while she’s looking after your kids? Are you putting her under pressure to return to the pre-kids level of sex? Were you expecting life to continue between you in exactly the same way but with the addition of children into the fold?

I suppose it boils down to expectations and compromise. Counselling would probably help both of you but maybe separately.

She chose to give up work after having first child. She briefly went back after second but didn't like being away from the kids. Since then she has had no interest in going back to work.

It sounds as if she checked out of your marriage and although you are having counselling that ultimately won't force her to have any or change.
If you can't face a life without intimacy then I am sorry your marriage is over. I couldn't face a marriage forever without any so I feel desperately sad for you as you are so stuck.
I'd start with a very frank conversation and in the background start thinking about what life would be like were you to leave - finances, where you will live etc

It sounds like living in misery and I would want more for myself if I were you (and I say as a women sex is important and she’s not even bothering to go to work)

so she doesn’t make much effort in life

Have you told her you feel she is pushing you away?

Following children she may have issues with how she perceives her body and how she believes you look at her now. It might not be a question about her not wanting to be intimate, but that she is deeply unhappy with how it has changed and assumes you are less attracted to her/disgusted by her and that will have a massive impact on how sexy or self conscious she feels and will affect her libido or may inhibit her in this area.

It sounds as if you’re very involved and she just really isn’t interested. It’s fully understandable to not have the want or energy to put into the relationship when one member isn’t pulling their weight, but sounds as though that’s not the case here (or quite the opposite).

Time to move on if she has no interest in making things better. It sounds miserable. Of course kids should be first priority, but that doesn’t mean checking out of the relationship, quite the opposite.

I don't think this is about a dude not pulling his weight. It's very harsh of someone to say they're just not interested any more - so avoidant of your wife, and a real shut down.

I'm afraid you need to do the ducks in a row thing, plan for how to see children as much as possible, plan your finances, strategise for post divorce. She will have a nasty shock because she will need to work, and won't have the life she now has.

But you strike me as a bit more emotionally intelligent than her so I'd press on with the therapy and really think about how to get the best life for you and children.

DO NOT just have an affair as you then lose the ability to negotiate effectively. Though it will be tempting if you feel really lonely because men often don't have those strong connections of personal support outside the marriage. Instead try to beef up actual friendships- don't do the man thing of keeping it all inside you need someone to talk to about this who has your back.

From what you’ve told is she is being selfish and thoughtless. Nobody wants to be told they don’t matter. If she is not working and children are school age she can’t be that frazzled she can’t give you any attention.
Sounds doomed to me. Many in your situation will go and have an affair so please don’t be one of them. Be clear with her about what you want and how parenting will work if you separate. Can it work? The thought of being broke and needing to go to work may at least make her have a think! It’s rather telling that she didn’t want to go to counselling. She obviously sees no value in saving ‘you’.
My DH felt his life was boring so had affairs even though I really tried - but with three under four and a job I had little to give and certainly not what he wanted. He wouldn’t go to counselling or even have a conversation about it. We ended up separated in the same house until our were old enough. I am happily single now with all three children and he’s in his third unhappy relationship.

I agree with PPs. She's been very clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you and, whatever has brought the two of you to this point, she has no interest in trying to fix it.

I'm sorry because it does sound like you want to make it work, but ultimately any relationship takes two people and since she's checked out I think divorce is the way forward for you. Staying together at this point will only lead to resentment building up and you both becoming increasingly unhappy (which in turn will make your kids unhappy)

Ive always said since a clean house is foreplay. Had an ex think he was amazing because he would pay for dates etc happy to "babysit" so I could go out. Honestly thought he was a great partner. But it was that attitude of housework is woman's work and the need for praise when he "helped". Has she ever voiced similar to you? My ex couldn't take in what I said then got upset when the sex life suffered. Maybe something to consider