Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

Sorry but why should OP be doing any chores around the house (apart from stuff on a weekend - garden, DIY etc) day to day when he works full time and she doesn't work at all?? She has 2 school age children so what else would she be doing during the day (apart from meeting her friends and going to the gym).

I WFH 2 days a week and manage to get loads of housework done during the time I would normally be commuting, going out for lunch or having a coffee if I was in the office. If you're at home 5 days a week with no work to do then sorry but most of the housework should be done. Surely that's the point of being a SAHM?

Have you read the thread? Why must it be his fault?

I think your just there to pay the bills and allows her to be a SAHM
she’s pretty stupid and selfish if she thinks that you will put up a sexless marriage
However you have so far for the last five years so she probably sees no reason for it to change

honestly leave it won’t get better

It sounds like you have some deep thinking to do. Would you describe her as a great friend? It sounds like you are work colleagues. You deserve to be loved and appreciated - so does she. It sounds like she has checked out of the marriage. Could she be having an affair?

It is a huge mistake to focus entirely on kids. Once the kids grow up and leave, it will be just you two, just as it was before kids.

I think she is lying and being a coward. She should be saying she has fallen out of love with you, but she likes the status quo of the family unit.

I'm sorry, it must be absolutely awful and lonely.

I hope she gets the minimum out of you i a divorce settlement and that you get main custody so you don’t have to waste any more of your money on her than you need to.
Time she grew up and got her arse into gear and back to work. Selfish madam.

The op is a reason that chores need to be done too. They eat, wear clothes , walk on the floor , use the bathroom etc. It's about being a functioning adult , not who works or not.

You deserve so much more than this!

You earn all the money, sort the kids out before and after work. Sounds like you contribute far more than your fair share.

Leave her. I think you would far happier on your own than flogging a dead horse.

What are you talking about ?!

She's absolutely taking the piss... You deserve better than this... Life is too short.

@Swimmingtosurvive
Thank you for coming back!
Ok, this confirms most peoples feelings & opinions.
It's harsh but your W doesn't love you in any meaningful way any longer but is biding her time until your children are grown so that she can leave feeling guiltless. She makes no attempt at even trying to maintain a relationship outside of your 'family' life does she?
So, what do you do? You can not continue as you are. That would only lead you into resentment and hate.
I would suggest that you have some relationship therapy on your own to work out what you want to do. Are you happy to live as a 'family' but without love or any consideration from your wife in what would be a rather one sided 'friendship' modelling a fake marriage to your children? This would be very hard on you and would waste years on nothing but an empty vessel.
If you decide that to separate is the best course then see a solicitor about divorce and then work out how you can parent 50/50 and fit that around work. You can both have joint therapy to work out how to do this as amicably as possible. Your wife will need to find employment too.
How do you think that she is going to react?

What a spectacularly idiotic thing to say. Do you know what actual abuse is? Sex isn't a resource that you "withhold" from somebody. It is nobody's right to have sex with you, and it's not abusive to not have sex with someone.

That said, OP, your marriage sounds dead. She doesn't want to spend time with you, sleep with you, or talk to you. Ducks in a row, as they say on here, and file for divorce.

Ignore the blinkered view above. Just as some men cause their marriages to hit the skids, sometimes it's the wife's behaviour that does it. And sometimes people just grow apart and won't put the required effort in to get the intimacy back.

Yes. And the OP is also the reason that his wife can go to the gym, meet up with friends for lunch and have a leisurely SAHM lifestyle whilst he is working to pay for it all.

I am in a very similar situation. I would say if the household is genuinely a peaceful and stable environment and you're not arguing in front of the kids, then staying together may well be the lesser of two evils.
Also remember it must be an unpleasant situation for the woman as well.

How did you come to that conclusion??

Have you tried 'speaking her language' to gain some affection from her?

If the kids are her world right now then I think she would find a hands on dad the most attractive.

I say this because I felt the same after my second was born. I felt like my world was consumed (and still is) by my children and I needed to be the best mother to them. My husband is very supportive with doing things around the house and school runs, clubs but I found that what I needed help with the most was the mental load I carried for the kids. On the days my husband is all about the kids my mental load feels so much lighter and then I have space to him. I do however work full time so life is very busy.

My husband once did tell my that he felt neglected and I make an effort now that my second is passing toddler stage, we try and have days out together, as much as I feel mum guilt it is needed for the marriage.

In conclusion, I would say, she won't feel attracted to you because you're helping around the home because it is your home too. She perhaps may feel otherwise if she saw the best dad in you. As well as fixing anything that may have happened between you in the past..

What does she do with her days? you sound like a really great guy OP. Lack of comfort & intimacy is a terrible way to live. I hope you manage to get yourself some counselling to help you leave this situation.

Well, yes, but a functioning adult also has to earn the money to pay for the food that they eat, the clothes that they wear, the house that they live in etc. Where one person WOH and the other SAH, they have chosen to split these responsibilities between them.

I would absolutely assume that a SAHP to school aged children would have primary responsibility for the housework, so I see no real issue with the OP saying that he "helps" with this. He actually does around 50% so it isn't as if he isn't pulling his weight.

This thread must have been linked somewhere, it's started attracting some unsavoury characters.

She has friends and an active social life. She meets up with two sets of friends each week and also has other hobbies - couple of hours volunteering at a charity, gym classes and art club. These she does during the day so that it doesn't impact her time with the kids.

Do you have time for friends, hobbies, sport, volunteering? If you don't because you are helping out after work so she has time to do all these things then your relationship is unbalanced. And if she then doesn't appreciate and value you then it is even more unbalanced.

I would ask her how she envisages your future in 10 years when the kids are nearly off your hands. What will your relationship be like then? My thinking is that she would like to maintain the status quo till the kids are financially independent and then she will waltz off to her friends and art classes with half the assets and half your pension.

I agree. This smacks of low self esteem/depression/possibly resentment that your work life has continued and hers has stalled. Many men just don't realise the toll having children has on a woman. Yes they love their childre but the loss is immense. Maybe if you love her, try being a good friend first, then slowly start conversations about what more she might want from life.

Ignore people saying divorce etc. For a woman who gave up working for children and will be financially unstable, this would be an awful betrayal unless you both talk about it.

Well, it might be an unpleasant situation for the OP's wife, or it might not be. She has a very easy life - SAHP to school aged kids with a husband who does 50% of the housework, a fair share of the parenting etc when he isn't at work. She has time to volunteer, time with friends, enough time and money to pursue her hobbies etc. If she is unhappy, the obvious thing to do would be to instigate a separation, but I'm guessing that the status quo works pretty well for her because she doesn't seem to want to change it.

The situation isn't working for the OP, however, because he is being used to facilitate his wife's lifestyle. Telling him to stay in an unhappy relationship because it is the lesser of two evils is pretty miserable advice.

If the wife isn't willing to work on the relationship, he needs to start looking at leaving.

Your not serious are you?

I disagree. She has betrayed him by telling him that she isn't interested and refusing to work on the relationship. He shouldn't be expected to just suck that up indefinitely simply because she chose to quit her job.