Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

I'm so glad you're going for the divorce OP because you have the chance of finding real happiness.

I hope you can go for 50/50 PR so you don't lose out on being with your children.

It's painfully obvious that your STBX just likes the £££££ you bring to the table.
She needs to go out and work and bring home her own ££££.

All the best to you

@Swimmingtosurvive so glad you've made some progress and I'm sorry that your STBEW has taken the stance she has. I hope she realises how different her life is going to look now. I think the comment about living together after divorce until new partners are found is very telling. She's going to be looking for somebody else to keep her.

I hope you can keep things civil going forward. Good luck!

@Swimmingtosurvive ,

I have a strong feeling that your STBXW won’t take long to ‘find’ a new partner!

As PP’s have said, her suggestions are telling.
She basically just wants a life which revolves around her kids and someone else to pick up the bill. Who that is she cares not one jot.

Be prepared for the niceness to end though once she realises her new financial position and only seeing the children 50% of the time.

Oh and as for feeling loney forever, a quick read through all the dating related posts will show you old is full of 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th rate men.
someone like you with honesty and integrity will not find it too hard to find a lovely woman when you are ready.

You sound lovely OP and it's a bit heartbreaking tbh to see how she's been treating you, and how wholeheartedly you've been trying to fix this. She seems like a controlling abusive gaslighting person to me, and she's quite emotionally cruel.

Wow. She is so blatant in her financial abuse. She couldn't care less about the relationship; she just wants your wallet. Or time to find some other man with assets.

I can't even imagine being so entitled.

Why do you think she is so determined to not work/not support herself?

Good for you for moving ahead.

It's sad that this is the outcome, but you can reassure yourself that you tried to make it work. A good marriage takes 2. Now that the decision has been made, it's time to put yourself (and your kids of course) first. Don't go out of your way to do your STBXW any favours. Don't let her guilt you into giving her more in the divorce. Make sure assets are split fairly and that reasonable custody arrangements are made. Wishing you all the best.

Weird thing to say considering they’re together nearly 2 decades nearly 10 years before having a child.

my 2 cents this is kind of normal in long term relationships., people really need to work on relationship and many people don’t know how

How are you doing @Swimmingtosurvive ?

It's not normal if you read all OP's posts. She doesn't want a relationship with him, she just wants to keep up appearances.

"You'll never find someone like me again" 😂😂😂😂

I'm sure you could easily find someone who'll take your money and not shag you quick enough tbf

Ok I didn’t see but for the kids sake and everyone’s sake I can understand this as a way of maintaining family stability..He should just think of what’s best for the kids at this point. As for him personally: He will not do better after divorce, 99% chance he will do worse. It is huge hassle and expense and statistically will be much worse just from a health perspective. Physical and mental health this is what date shows. Right now he has something solid and it doesn’t sound like flowers and passion but at least it’s peaceful. His long term happiness is much more likely staying in this stable (albeit platonic sounding) relationship than believing some fantasy romance will happen.

Having read this thread from the beginning I have to disagree.

@Swimmingtosurvive I hope you're in calmer waters now.

I am sure lots of people would disagree but I feel that after19 years together being coparents for the next 7 years until the kids are adults makes sense.

If he has the green light to see other women, then this is what I would do if I were him and stop trying to control the relationship. The priority should be on an intact family.

Controlling jealous people probably cant tolerate this. Controlling jealous people often use kids as weapons against their spouse, such as I notice in the replies “line up yoir ducks and get 50/50, make sure she suffers as a single mom”.
Sad. That doesn’t help the kids. It’s painful to break up as a couple but much more complicated to break up a family/

You are completely missing the whole point I of the thread and the situation the OP found himself in. It's untenable. He got full support here apart from one or two who tried to make it all his fault. He's getting on with life and not living a half life in a deeply unhappy marriage which frankly, is far better for the children. I'm sorry, but I would not spend anymore years with somebody who says they don't love me but expected me to financially support them so they could fuck around at the gym and having lunch with friends. Life is too short. @Swimmingtosurvive I hope you're doing ok!

I'd stop being so transparent with your plans, as you've seen already in therapy she has the potential to get nasty and that's only likening to increase as the reality of her meal ticket slipping away sets in.

Secure joint accounts, children's documents etc as necessary and appropriate and have everything set up from your end before you pull the trigger or forewarn her.

No need to fuck her over or the like, but make sure you've removed the chance for her to fuck you over as much as possible

Some couples are able to do this because they're both on the same page but some couples (or one of the 2) find the situation and intolerable and they are right to end the relationship in that case. Easier to stay together if they're both on the same page and accept that it's just a partnership for the kids, but very difficult to stay together if one person is craving love from the other and the other person doesn't feel the same way.

Yes it can be complicated to break up a family but it can also go pretty smoothly too.

OP you sound like people pleaser and being on this forum will give you totally skew idea of your situation because of bias and projection of some women here.

It is not true that you don't do enough, you actually do way too much.
There is no reason why you should be getting up earlier to do chores before work, when your wife is SAHP and has 6 hours in the day when children are in school! You already do more then your share and sounds like you have way less down time then your wife. It's unbalanced already and you doing even more will fix nothing.

You also engage in far too much of emotional labour. Constantly questioning yourself, coming up with ideas, date nights etc. She already told you she doesn't want those things. She already told you she just needs you as provider and father to her children. You need to start listening to her and believe what she's saying!

You can go in circles for another 10 years hoping there is some magic trick you can do or some mysterious reason you can discover. I can even see why you are so quick to blame yourself, because it gives you some hope of having control and ability to change things. Did you have to overfunction as a child? Were your needs less important? I'm wondering about your childhood or previous relationship patterns.

Truth is, your wife knows you're a people pleaser and overfunctioner and it suits her well in obtaining what according to her, she and children need.

It doesn't mean she's a bad person. Its just a dynamic that you both created and that you as a husband enabled for many years. You enabled it with little complaint and without setting clear boundaries of what you expect from relationship. That's where you went wrong OP.

Don't want to hijack but I'm going through something similar. I've been together 13 years and married for 10. My wife and I had such a connection when we first met. It was like a drug, we couldn't get enough of each other. We moved into our first flat together after a year, a year later we got married, bought a house and had our first child. 2 years later we had our second child and thats when things changed. She put so much time, energy and love into our kids she just neglected me. I still kept up the physical affection, I would massage her back, her head, her feet. I would cuddle her and kiss her. Make her a coffee every morning and kiss her goodbye. I would find us recipes to cook for us with a nice bottle of wine. I was responsible for all the finance management and all the bills, the cars, the garden, maintaining the house and DIY. I would look after the kids as much as I could and she would go out with her friends every now and then. I got absolutely nothing back, I tried to initiate sex one night and was told, we only have sex to make babies. I was shocked. I asked her what do you mean and her response was, yeah we do. I kept trying and just kept getting rejected. I got tired of it and just shut myself down slowly over the years. The last 2 years my wife said she felt alone, unloved and abandoned. I couldn't for the life of me work out why, I said maybe it's because your doing a masters degree while still working and looking after the kids, your maybe burnt out. She said she didn't know. In hindsight I should have held her hand and specifically said, is it something I'm doing or not doing that's making you feel like that. However, I was so numb from years of not knowing weather my wife still even loved me, I was emotionally disconnected, I felt numb inside. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I was just there, it was like a brain fog. She then decided to have an affair which I discovered early and confronted her, I then left and she acknowledged that she wasn't happy in the marriage. We have now been separated for the last 4 months and it hurts so much. That fog has started to lift and I can now feel things again, mainly sadness and a lot of crying but I'm intune with my feelings and can see what questions I should have asked her. I love her soo much but I believe I was depressed and couldn't acknowledge my own feelings let alone hers. My ability to communicate just went out the window too. I just want another chance with her to have the marriage and relationship we both deserve but she doesn't want that. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I blame myself for a lot of it. If only I had been more present and acknowledged that something inside me didn't feel right, I could have got help

Hi all. I hadn't logged on for a while while things settled down. Thank you to all for the support and messages of encouragement. Here's an update from the last few months.

Like I said in my last post therapy didn't work out and the therapist said it wouldn't work for us as a couple unless we both engaged. I now have mown therapist who has been great and helped me see some of my own faults shall we say and how I've overcompensated in the situation.

I've been in my own place for a few months now. We have started mediation and that is going better than I thought. Wife if more thoughtful and appreciative of my situation than she had been while we were living together.Still more to work out but we are both aiming for 50/50 finance wise and with the kids. Wife has said in the sessions that its not what she ideally wants but realizes an amicable agreement is better for the kids.

As for the kids. They are coming round every other weekend and 2/3 days during the week depending on where they are at the weekend. I've absolutely loved having time with them with the hassle and stress that was happening before. It might be rose tinted glasses but they seem calmer when I see them. Fewer issues. I'm not an idiot and know it is still new for them so the novelty of Daddy's new house will wear off. I just feel like we're having ore quality time together.

It is difficult living alone. I've got myself a routine for the days when the kids aren't around which means I have minimal housework when they are around. I've also joined in more with the running club and have enjoyed going out with friends. For me it's about carefully managing my time around my mood which is naturally up and down.

I don't regret moving on at all at the moment. I'm sure there will be bumps along the road and it will hit home more when the divorce is finalized. But it does feel like a huge weight has been lifted. And quite truthfully I am happy being single and enjoying more quality time with the kids and friends. Thank you again for all the support.

It's really great to hear your update. Wishing you all the best.

I was only thinking about you today @Swimmingtosurvive !
Thanks for the update, so pleased it’s going well for you so far and that your DC are adapting well. You sound like a really great guy, wishing you all the very best.

@Swimmingtosurvive I'm so glad that things have been amicable with your wife and you are settled into your own place now . It's good to hear that you are getting to have the kids without the stress you were under living with your wife too