Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

Ah thank you for updating us….I have often wondered how things turned out for you. It’s really good to hear that you’re in a better place and that you can feel that the weight has lifted. Back in your original posts you talked of the need to feel that you had done everything you could before splitting. I hope you feel that you’ve achieved that…it certainly looks that way from an outside perspective. Hopefully that gives you reassurance in the ‘down’ times.
It sounds like your children are happy and coming to terms well with the changes. It’s great to hear that your times together are so positive.
I’m sure that your story will be a help and comfort to others in a similar position.

It’s nice to read your update and that things are going well OP. Best of luck .

Great to hear things are going well. Living alone has good and bad bits, we just have to make the most of it. I particularly enjoy being able to put pots and pans away in a random order, making precarious towers from them in the cupboard, just because I can 😄

Good luck!
Andrew

I'm so pleased that you've made the break and are happy in your new life!

I really hope that you find someone who truly loves you, you're a lovely human.

Best of luck!

Thanks for the update. Let's hope that one day you'll be able to show your kids what a close, loving relationship looks like. To late for you perhaps, but my favourite clinical psychologist writes a lot about how the parents' relationship is such an important model for the children, and how mothers in particular can find the motivation to work on the relationship for this reason. I'd be incredibly sad to think that my child might one day feel trapped in a relationship where their spouse dismissed their need for love, emotional connection and intimacy. But by staying in such a marriage myself, that's what I showed my kids for years. And I learned, by watching my parents, that the prime directive is : you stay married No Matter What. If they cheat outrageously or are violent then maybe, albeit with guilt, you have an out. It seems so wrong looking back. I want my kids to see that marriage is a commitment, yes, but that both people need to be committed to each other's support and happiness. Surely if you love someone, you want them to be happy, and if you can easily do something to help them be happy, you would. Children learn how to love from their families, so what are we teaching them by staying in a relationship where one partner does not show love? You wouldn't be a good parent if you refused to give your child time, or a hug, because you had no interest in it. And you're not a good partner if you treat your spouse that way.
Anyway, here are a couple of articles that resonated with me - they might help you, and other posters feeling abandoned in their marriages :

https://www.drpsychmom.com/we-wont-have-good-marriage-when-the-kids-leave-the-house-is-not-a-compelling-argument-to-work-on-your-marriage/

Parents having a healthy sex life is good for the family and why/ how to make time for it.

When Women Consider Physical Touch To Be A Less Real or Important Love Language

@ThatCraftyPeer

OP I wasn't following this thread all along but I just read it in full now willing you to do as you have and I am so happy to hear you are doing well. One of the things I find most infuriating in life is to see good and kind people- male or female- being taken advantage of and having their good character almost used against them. I want to shake them into taking back agency and standing up for themselves and for what is right. I think this thread was the final 'shaking' you needed and that is a brilliant outcome. Good luck, you sound fab and I hope your future is filled with friendship, fun and when the time is right, lots of love and lots of sex.