Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

It sounds like she is the one who needs counselling, not you. How is she generally? Does she have hobbies and friends? It sounds like she is low energy / overwhelmed, not able to do more than look after the kids?

She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me

After reading this - leave her.

If you’ve been together 20 years ish I’m guessing she’s in her 40s? There might be an element of peri menopause in there as well as everything else. Declining oestrogen levels (which can start happening around late 30s onwards; menopause isn’t just the end bit in your 50s) can basically make you hate everyone, some of the stuff she’s saying sounds very much like how I felt when I was in the middle of it all. However, conversely the lack of oestrogen can be a bit like losing the rose tinted glasses and she may suddenly feel unsettled with her life.

She hasn't worked for 8 years but you still do half of housework on top of other stuff? Sounds like she's got it easy so not at all like most of the excuses of being too tired etc because of doing everything herself. I'm afraid it seems like she just isn't interested in you, you've tried by the sounds of it but I would start divorce proceedings.

Thanks for all your replies. To answer a few of the points raised.

She says that she still wants to be with me but only for the kids. Said I am a great father and husband but just that she has no interest in spending time with me. She just wants all of us to be a family together and spend time the 4 of us.

I feel that I have always pulled my weight around house and kids. The only exception is when I am at work she takes more responsibility for the kids. When I am at home I spend as much time as possible with them including sorting meal times, doing the bath and bed routines and taking to clubs where possible.

She has friends and an active social life. She meets up with two sets of friends each week and also has other hobbies - couple of hours volunteering at a charity, gym classes and art club. These she does during the day so that it doesn't impact her time with the kids.

To the poster who mentioned peri menopause. Don't want to go into details but this was ruled out recently.

She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

I would assume the relationship was over and therefore we were heading for divorce if DH said that to me.

She sounds awful, you’d be much happier without her.
She sounds incredibly entitled too - thinking she can keep you around for the kids but with no thought for how happy that’d make you or what you want / need.

Get rid of her.

I think you deserve better OP, she sounds very cold to you and I couldn’t tolerate that.

You are being taken for a massive ride. You are just a walking wallet and housekeeper by the sound of it. There is no relationship left.

The sooner you deal with this the better. You need to think of what you want post a divorce with respect to your children and talk to a solicitor about it. The danger is that she will take more than half of what you have worked for and you will end up seeing your children every other weekend and one night a week.

The sooner you confront the reality and deal with it, the better for everyone, especially the children.

She's selfish. She wants the good life... not working, getting to go to the gym and regularly meeting friends and she's got that.

If you leave her she won't have it, do that's why she's with you.

You deserve better.

You need to speak to her properly and explain that you are not happy and you want things to change. If she doesnt want to talk about it or at least tell you where you stand then your marriage is over I'm afraid. No sex for five years I'm surprised it's lasted this long tbh. She's being very selfish if she won't hear you. Maybe she just wanted children and a provider but that isn't a life for you clearly nor would it be for most people.

I'm sorry it's over all these years and no intimacy is odd. From my view she checked out a long time ago, is happy to have a fairly easy life all paid for and do around the house looks after kids when there around but realistically she's not doing anything much at all. If it's so nit picky you even had to ask how to fold washing her way or load dishwasher theres a weird control thing to. I don't get why your wasting these years being there yes you still are but this isn't a normal functioning relationship between couples for your kids to be around

Your relationship is toast.

There's no coming back from "the kids are her focus"

What she is actually saying is "I got what I wanted, now please go away"

She doesn't have "baby brian" she just doesn't give a shit about you, and she has literally told you this.

So yourself a favour, end this.

You are right, once the kids have grown up, what are you going to do then?

If this thread was a woman talking about her DH, no one would ask this question....but when a man posts, he has to explain himself away infront of an anonymous jury 🙄

Real question is why the wife isnt helping.

Given how other threads where women complain and everyone piles on with the "LTB" approach, the OP here should heed that advice, fuck her off and enjoy his life rather than feed/cater to a parasitical wife that has zero fucks or interest in him.

Life is too short, fuck that. So yeh, LTB.

Yeah, she just told you how she feels about you.

Leave this vile woman now.

Today.

While you still have some dignity left.

It all sounds very odd as you describe it. Do you mean she is not interested in 'romance' and sex? Are you good friends? Are you good company for each other? Do you like each other? Do you laugh a lot? Talk? Are you kind to each other and supportive? Or has it all gone?

She wants to have her cake and eat it - I couldn’t stay in a relationship like this you deserve a partner and a loving relationship abi h this isn’t

So she’s no interest in you as a person but she’s happy to sponge off your money while she doesn’t work and only does 50% of the child rearing. Nah, you deserve better than this. Leave her

I feel for you OP.

Although I’m by no means an expert, it doesn’t sound like anxiety or depression, she is socialising pretty often - twice a week with friends and pursuing hobbies and charity work… wow, I wish I had that kind of free time. So she isn’t confined to the home and living her life exclusively through your children. She has said she only wants to be with them for your sake - so does she view you as a romantic partner or a housemate? Saying that to somebody is either thoughtlessly blunt and matter of fact or designed to hurt or punish. What happens when the kids fly the nest - you each go your separate ways or you then stay together for family get-togethers and the grandchildren’s sake?

Does she behave like she actually likes you or that you’re an irritant and her in the way?

Staying together exclusively for the kids isn’t always the best option if the love, respect and appreciation have gone. Have you asked whether she still loves you and finds you attractive? If the answer is no and you are seeking that then you can either resign yourself to a loveless marriage but seeing your kids all the time, or parting ways and joint custody or whatever situation you can agree on. You can’t make someone love or care about you, but you are entitled to respect and if your wife wants the marriage to continue she needs to compromise by meeting you halfway and agreeing to counselling to
navigate your way through this predicament, otherwise she is being selfish and totally unreasonable.

In fairness if she has no interest in you and she has been saying that for years, it is clearly time to draw a line under it and dissolve the marriage, and then move on. In that order.

I'm sorry you deserve more than this. Its never as easy for a man as just leave her especially when they are so involved with their children and it means less time with them too. You need to decide if you can carry on as things are as she's not going to change or if you want more from a relationship and that means as a result less time with your children, which is difficult. Five years of no sex is mind blowing unless that's something you decided together or someone's been unwell.

This

If she genuinely has no desire to go back to work this is easily done while there is a regular Income coming in from another avenue I.e you OP. This will change dramatically if you were to separate because if you went to take on 50|50 caring responsibilities while there would be £ from you from the kids she will notice a dramatic difference in her standard of living without an income of her own.

I agree it sounds like she's checked out too. If all is as you describe - of course there's always two sides but we only have yours to go on - I agree cutting your losses and separating allows you time to move on and have a lovely life still. It sounds like you wouid always want to be present and active with your kids so that's good.

Good luck OP

What would she say if she started a thread about you?

This. She’s checked out of your marriage. If you want to be happy, it’s time to split. Sorry op.

Really wise words.