Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

There's no need to turn her into a demon or a baddie. She's probably a good person. But she is not behaving reasonably if she expects you to give up on your romantic life with no discussion but stick around for the domestic bits. If you need romance and companionship to be happy - and I think that's reasonable- it's ultimatum time. She makes an effort/ goes to counselling or you divorce. Don't make things messy by starting anything with anyone else first though.

Reading the update on her life mid week with friends and clubs is why she's staying, you provide a lifestyle she wants so that's why she stays.
I'd be looking to leave her, and stop funding her free life

I think someone who treats the father of their kids and provider of their lovely life with so little respect, kindness and love (and I don't mean sex) actually is not a nice person at all. And I think it sends awful messages to the kids about what to accept on a relationship.

‘Don't make things messy by starting anything with anyone else first though’

If this were a woman posting the first response would be ‘Cherchez La femme’. Has the OP’s wife had no interest in sex for five years or no interest in sex with him?

She's probably a good person

Not much evidence of that so far

It sounds like she has a nice life. I get that she wants family time, especially as she is spending time each week with friends so is getting regular adult social time that way. It sounds like family time with all 4 of you (you included) is enjoyable and I doubt she wants to lose that. It isn't a case of her being happy with the kids without you?

You will need to have a serious conversation with her about what your needs are though, and explain that if she doesn't make an effort to work on this with you then you will need to consider divorce as it isn't fair on you.

Agree with the above posters. You need to get your ducks in a row and leave.

She is a freeloader. Wants you only for your money. Tell her you think it's best that you split.

When you mention divorce you may hear her say she's suddenly "now prepared to go to counselling to keep the family together.."

Don't listen to this. Too little too late. It just means she's realised she will have to get a part time job, and can't be bothered and wants to keep you with her for the next decade sponging off you. Which she will. During which time you'll be unhappy and unfulfilled.

If you want to waste your life do that. But as the gf of a guy who was in the exact same position as you, I'd suggest leaving.

If you want to go on date nights after you've separated if you both suddenly realise it's not over after all, you can of course do so. But I doubt that'll happen as she doesn't fancy you any more just your money.

PS I was surprised at how many benefits the ex got as she worked part time and took full custody of his kids when they sold the large family home and she bought another one (downsized) and he moved into a shared rented flat while he made up his mind what to do with his life.

So get legal advice on how to split things.

All my friends haven't had legal help and they all gave away far too much to their exes (make and female). It's a guilt thing. They didn't see it at the time but do now and regret it.

Has your wife really said she has no interest in spending time with you? Did she put it as bluntly as that?

How did you respond? Did you tell her she is effectively saying she has no wish to be married to you and what does she expect you to do about that? It is not something that can be said without there being consequences.

It sounds as though she has called time on the marriage quite explicitly, and yet there you still are. If a man said this to his wife, we would all be telling her that she was flogging a dead horse and that she has a right to happiness - are you happy? Is there any part of this arrangement that you are happy about?

There is nothing wrong with her saying she does not want to have sex - she is not obliged to. It is only a problem when it produces a glaring incompatibility - then it needs discussion.

If she wants neither sex nor your company then you are left with a stark choice: decide you are willing to accept that and if you are not then take steps to do something about it.

Don't forget that your chidlren are witnessing a rather barren example of marriage.

Talk to her; tell her where you stand. And if you want to change the status quo then tell her that - spell it out.

Have you spoken to her and said that you don't wish to live a celibate life and you don't want to be the sole financial provider?

In short, she needs to put some effort into your relationship (not sex) but effort and energy and see if that leads to a better relationship (which usually leads to physical intimacy).

She also needs to work. Unless she came into the relationship with a massive chunk of money &/or pays her way with a trust fund or something, she'd need to work if you split up, and it sounds like you're on the cusp of that. It would be really sensible of her to get a job, so if the relationship doesn't heal and you do go your separate ways, she can afford to live and support her children when they're with her.

@Swimmingtosurvive

She could be just so bogged down with demands of bringing up children and just got stuck in a rut in life and if doesn't have enough support from extended families,

So intimacy just feels like another thing to try and fit in,

does she have interests hobbies much of a life outside family home then?

Yes she did put it as bluntly as that. Her exact words were 'I'm sorry I can't give you that, we need our time to be spent as a family". I reacted by asking why and she said she just wasn't interested and had to focus her energies on keeping the kids happy and the family unit together. At that point I broke down and the conversation went no further.

So you broke down ..... and what did she do?

Ok so that's not quite the same thing is it. If she really won't communicate with you there's not much you can do (except leave) but that sounds like someone struggling to me, not someone being deliberately hurtful.

To be fair OPs updates give the impression she has a very rich life outside the family dynamic.

What was her upbringing like? Is she the product of divorce? I just wonder whether that's behind her drive to make sure the kids are happy at all cost.

I think you need to be as blunt with her as she's been with you. Tell that family is of course the most important thing, but so is your marriage, and right now she's sacrificing that for the other. Be honest - tell her that you're struggling to see how the marriage can survive long–term – where's that going to leave her happy family ideal then? If she still refuses to relent or accept there's an issue, that's your cue to take action to end the marriage, because she's not being truthful about how she really feels about you.

Also, the fact that you broke down and nothing changed speaks volumes. I suspect she's mentally checked out of the marriage but knows she can't afford to split up from you, so is focusing her energies on keeping the family unit together. But that's miserable for you so you may have to leave regardless of what she wants.

to focus her energies on keeping the kids happy and the family unit together - perhaps you could point out to her that treating you as an irrelevance is not a good way to keep the family unit together.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the way she feels - she is allowed her feelings and opinions, but when you share your life with someone else you have to listen to what their needs are to and be prepared to compromise.

Both children are in school and OP's wife doesn't have a job outside the home.

Good it must have really hurt when she said she had no interest in spending time with you. She has told you really that you no longer have a relationship, it's very sad but I think she is done, personally i think you have been very patient but now you need to protect yourself and start looking at separation.

I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds like she has checked out of the relationship and is just using you to finance her lifestyle/keep house.

I think you need to talk to her again and tell her that you're not happy to live like this. That you have tried to make it work but she has made it clear that she isn't interested. That you will be leaving and going for 50/50 care of the kids. That she will need to start looking for a job so that she can start supporting herself. And you then start to put all of that in motion.

There is a chance that she might decide to put some effort into saving the relationship at that point, as she probably won't want her cushy lifestyle to come to an end. I would think very carefully about how to respond to this. It would be easy for you to fall for it if you don't want the relationship to end, but she has shown you that she really doesn't care about your happiness and wellbeing at all, so try not to fall for it....it won't last and you deserve better.

It may be worth reflecting on what she is saying.

You've been together for a long time. It may be worth trying to look in more detail at what is going on and whether anything is underlying this.

She's saying her energies need to be on the kids.

Have they had issues? I notice the younger one is 5 so just into school. Is she needing to spend a lot of time and emotional energy supporting them for some reason?

You say that there has been no intimacy for 5 years - so since the younger one was born. Were there any problems with the birth? Injuries or damage? Often women can have problems with intimacy post birth that are hard to get past.

Yeah, this. All the "what do you do for your wife? maybe she resents you for not doing housework / helping with the kids" is irrelevant, If she has said to you that she has no interest in spending time with you then I don't think there is anything you can do.

Unfortunately you only have two options now. Stay together for the sake if the kids or split up.
If you decide to stay then what will your life look like when the kids are older and don’t need you so much?
Will you regret not giving yourself the chance of moving on and being happy?

Dufficult choice but your marriage is actually over. She’s given you the option of living and parenting together as friends.

If everything you say is accurate - and you really do share the leg work - then say you're instigating counselling because you can't go on like this.
Counselling will help to get to the bottom of the problem. It may be that divorce is inevitable, but there might be much more going on.
I suspect her self esteem has taken a nose dive since she stopped working. Being with kids all the time is isolating and infantilising. Ultimately she's just not going to feel sexy at all being totally immersed in a child-led world. My sex drive didn't come back til my career picked back up again and I could see myself being "seen" as a full independent adult outside the home again tbh.

Also her comment about keeping the family unit together is totally unfair when she's not putting any effort into improving your relationship which is at the core of it.