Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

I think what she said plus the refusal of marriage counselling is what tells you this relationship is over. She isn't ending it because she doesn't work and it's convenient for her to stay with you.
Feelings change, people change. My DH and I are going through the roughest patch since the kids. We've discussed separating but both agree we do love each other and don't want to. Therefore we will be attending marriage counselling. So I feel that she has already checked out of the relationship.

I think you need to have a serious discussion and tell her that you would like to be with someone who wants to be with you and loves you. That isn't a big ask in a marriage!

^^ this, start a no fault divorce and make a life for yourself without her and co-parent your children

I'm bringing up children with my DP, I work full time in a demanding job, as does he. I still make time for him and us as a couple because I want to. Having children isn't an excuse to neglect your relationship, especially if you're both doing 50/50 chores plus she's not working while they're at school so has a lot more free time than most!

Also I want to add that being peri menopausal or going through menopause isn't a get out of jail free card. I'm perimenopausal and it doesn't give me the right to be a bitch to my husband. It's definitely contributed to some of our issues but I sought help from the doctor because I knew I had to for the sake of myself and my family.

@Swimmingtosurvive
To put this bluntly - your marriage is dead in the water - I'm so sorry.
You are already doing all the things that would be suggested on here but your wife is still keeping her distance from you.
It could be several things that are bothering her: long term untreated PND, depression in general, undiagnosed autism etc. It could be that she has post birth injuries or PTSD that means that she fears that any closeness from things like date nights will lead to an expectation of sex. Is there any affection such as hugs or handholding or is it a complete lack of any contact?
Does she seem unhappy or happy overall?

Did you say how old she is?

In What ways do you help her
If this thread was a woman talking about her DH, no one would ask this question....but when a man posts, he has to explain himself away infront of an anonymous jury
@HelplessSoul What woman would write that she "helps her husband" if she meant that she looked after her own children or cleaned her own home?
Sounds like OP is doing loads of childcare and housework. But by describing this as "helping his wife", he's inviting sceptical comments and questions.

It sounds like you've been doing everything you can to support her as a partner should, without expectations for anything in return, but she's told you quite explicitly your marriage is over.
She doesn't get to dictate this marriage and she doesn't get to force you to stay.

You have two choices; 1) Stay in a loveless marriage for the rest of your life, or 2) Divorce her and co-parent amicably and start afresh, which many, many couples do the world over quite successfully. You need to not be strung along by her.

She wants all the benefits of being able to stay at home, she wants your money to spend etc, but she expects you to just shut up and put up with the situation with no thought for you whatsoever. That's deeply unfair on you, and very unrealistic.

She says that she still wants to be with me but only for the kids. Said I am a great father and husband but just that she has no interest in spending time with me. She just wants all of us to be a family together and spend time the 4 of us

Then you have 2 options to put to her.

You leave and pay CM and she goes back to work

Or you open the marriage and you get your needs met elsewhere. Although if my husband said to me as above. I'd leave him. It would still be crushing knowing I'm just a bank account and a picture for the outside world.

Life is short OP.

OP, if she won't talk about it, won't go to counselling, won't do anything about it ... you can't make her. You can't make someone else take action. You can only take action yourself. Don't let her guilt-trip you into staying if she won't try to make staying bearable. Lots of couples break up. If that's the only way to go, focus on making it as easy as possible for all concerned. A single, toxic family unit is not a better option for growing children than two nontoxic homes.

This isn’t really about just sex but about intimacy as a whole. You have none. You share a house and children and she is not interested in anything else. All she wants is for you to continue to finance her lifestyle-hell, I’d put up with a lot if my life whilst the children are at school was charity work, gym class, art club and seeing friends.

you need to have a proper sit down talk. Say there won’t be a family life to focus on if things don’t improve, as you won’t go on like this. It’s very detrimental to your mental health to be with someone who doesn’t actually want to be with you but sees you as a provider and father but not as a partner. Choices are - counselling and maybe split up, or split up without the counselling.

‘focus her energies on keeping the family unit together’…. well she isn’t if she’s neglecting her relationship with her husband and father of her children. How does she define keeping together? Physically? Weekend and holiday activities? The children can spend time with their friends and grandparents/other family members to allow you two to spend time together, it sounds like she’s looking for excuses.

Go out into the world and make yourself happy. She’s basically said she doesn’t want to be with you - you deserve to be with someone who wants you!! Get that divorce and co-parent and find a nice new girlfriend who you can have fun with.

Or she could just be a selfish twat.

What were the ‘mistakes’ you made? Did this involve an affair?

Do you make time to ensure she has an orgasm and that she enjoys intimacy with you?

She's a SAHP to school aged children and the OP does 50% of the housework. Doesn't sound like she's doing that much at all tbh.

And yes, if my DH was a SAHP, I would see the house and kids as being his primary responsibility, and I might well say that I "helped" with this. I would expect a SAHP to do a lot more childcare and housework than a WOHP, because surely that's the whole point of having someone at home!

She's a selfish freeloader and she doesn't care about you at all. Nobody should be expected to live in a loveless relationship. I think you should consider your future and what you'd like it to be. You could be in a happy, loving relationship with someone else while still being a good father to your children. If I were you, I'd divorce her and create a better future for yourself.

What are your working hours OP? I understand that you contribute 50/50 when you are not at work but your wife also reports apparently that all of her energy is required to look after the kids and hold the family unit together. Do you work away or very long hours or some kind of strange shift patterns?

We clearly agree that OP is doing loads, then.

I also agree with you that housework and childcare are a job, and that if one parent has opted to take on that job full-time, the other person could theoretically say that they are helping if they do it too. But I have never heard a working woman say that she "helps her husband/boyfriend out" with the housework. Whereas men say it all the time, even when their wives work.

@Swimmingtosurvive . I think you need to make it clear to her that keeping the family together is going to require working on your connection together.

It might help to take sex off the table (no pun intended) entirely in the initial stages of rebuilding a connection.

Do you think your wife may have some fear around sex that has caused her to push you away? Any birth trauma or previous bad relationship experiences? She may not of course, but just a thought as it is very common for women to have experienced previous sexual abuse and violence or trauma from pregnancy or birth.

She's done OP, but doenst eat her lifestyle to change. You deserve more, a divorce needs to be the way forward here.

Tell us about the mistakes you've made.

It might help shed more light on the situation.

Because I feel like it is my duty to help. I grew up in a household where both parents pulled their weight and have always done this. I actually enjoy helping do the jobs around the house.

Are you actually doing the chores or helping to do these?

Not sure why you call it helping rather than 'parenting' 'doing the chores' or whatever?

@TheCadoganArms
That's a bit harsh at this point. I'm waiting for @Swimmingtosurvive to come back with some answers before I label either as a selfish twat.

She's using you to fund her lifestyle that she wants, she's a freeloader. I feel for you as you have a difficult decision to make and whatever you choose it will end up with you as the bad guy.