Wife no longer interested since kids - advice

[Swimmingtosurvive]

Really would appreciate another perspective in this situation from somebody who may have been in a similar boat.

Me and wife have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and now have two kids (8 and 5). Since kids have been born our relationship has nose dived. We have maybe 1 date night a year but even that is stopping. We haven't been intimate since second child was born. It just feels like there's nothing left.

I feel like I've tried to make an effort. Quite a few times I've tried to arrange for us to go out or have a date night at home, but it's been refused. I try to go out of my way to be there and help her. Yet it isn't reciprocal.

I'm fully aware that the situation will be down to both of us and that I will have made mistakes that contribute to this. I have tried to speak to my wife about it. She has just said that since having the kids she has no interest in spending time with me but that I've done nothing wrong. The kids are here focus.

My worry is that if we don't look after our relationship, it is ultimately going to affect the kids and when they leave home we'll be left with nothing. That hurt really badly and I've been having some counselling since. She would not agree to couples therapy when I suggested it.

Would really appreciate some advice. Maybe there's something I've missed or someone has had similar feelings to me/wife. Any thing will help.

It sounds like she has checked out. Is she actually in love with you?

I think it's pretty clear that she isn't.

She has a nice, easy lifestyle at the moment and she wants to hang on to it.

Not really, the OPs wife has emotionally checked out yet she wants to retain all the marital goodies of having a supportive DH to privide financial security while she spends her days at the gym, meeting friends and indulging her hobbies. Seems fairly selfish twatty behaviour to me. It's curious that when a woman comes on here seeking advice her version of events in the OP are treated as being a witness to fact. When it's a bloke there has to be lots of additional due diligence before he is believed.

She has friends and an active social life. She meets up with two sets of friends each week and also has other hobbies - couple of hours volunteering at a charity, gym classes and art club. These she does during the day so that it doesn't impact her time with the kids.

Agree with susiedaily. Your wife doesn’t love you, your relationship is over.

This is really sad and she is taking the absolute piss. She wants all the trappings and lifestyle but none of the effort (unless it's with the children). I think you must try and accept your relationship is over OP. How long does she expect this to go on, no relationship? It's a waste of both of your lives. The children will adapt.

@TheCadoganArms
Maybe or maybe not and you could well be right but until the OP comes back with further insight then I don't apply labels but I have said that it all seems dead in the water.
You do sound very bitter though - are you a wronged man?

😥I really don't think I have any advice. It does sound like she had given up on the relationship, which after so many years together is very sad.

I think you need to think about what you want. Do you want an adult husband/ wife relationship? Or are you happy to live with your very good friend who you share children with?

If it's the first you need to talk to her again and say that you need a real relationship and they together ye need to work towards that. Or that you may have to separate.

If the 2nd. Start living your own life around her. See your own friends, have your own things/ hobbies that you do. Lots of married couple appear to live fairly separated lives under the same roof

This absolutely especially when you are very much a real 50/50 team.

I think we should cut OP some slack with use of "I help my wife ..." as going by all other details I'm guessing this is just clumsy wording.

Nice try, no I'm not a 'wronged man'. Just someone who has been around here long enough to see the often very different levels of understanding and sympathy applied depending on the sex of the OP.

Mate, you sound really nice. Move on for the sake of your happiness and that of your children.
Everyone deserves to be loved.

Sorry OP but your relationship is over. Your wife has checked out and made it very plain. She mentions concentrating on the children and family time but obviously has no interest in spending time with you outside that.
You deserve so much more than this as otherwise you are really are just enabling her to enjoy a a nice comfortable lifestyle at your expense. I would be having an honest conversation with her and tell her you want more than this and that if she can't change then separation is on the cards.

Well, we're only getting one perspective so it's hard to know for sure, but there are two possibilities.

For many women, they tell their partner exactly what's wrong and he doesn't listen, just dismissing her concerns and saying he just doesn't know what he did wrong. Also, many men overestimate their share of chores around the home.

If you truly are doing your fair share (in your first post you say you "help" her, then switch to pulling your weight in other posts), and she really hasn't told you what's wrong, then it's an unusual and very sad situation. Probably the only solution is to divorce her, you can't live like this.

Have you posted about her before OP? This story is familiar.

Sorry to be harsh but she clearly wants her life a certain way and you can either accept that and stay or leave.

How do you feel about her not working?

@TheCadoganArms
Ok, as you like. If you've been on here for a long time then you should realise that things are not black + white and that there are subtle shades of grey running through these types of posts.
It could be that DW is trying to maintain her life style which is obviously wrong. Or she could be trying to keep the marriage together for the kids which is still wrong. Or there really is an underlying problem that she can't face which has caused her to become closed off which really does need dealing with.
That's why I asked the OP about affection. If there is none what so ever then points 1+2 are the most likely explanations for her behaviour but if it's the third point then there's a chance to fix things.

FYI - deep down I do think that it's 1 or 2 but the OP should have all things to consider before making decisions about his marriage.
After all he has come here for advice and not slaverish ranting. You probably want to dial back on your terminology because it's not really helpful and there are better ways of saying stuff that doesn't make you sound like 'a wronged man'

It sounds like you could do with some marital counselling. Marriages like this can recover if you're both willing to put the work in.

Echo what others say about housework. Amazing how my libido soars if DH suddenly surprises me by seeing what needs carrying up the stairs rather than stepping over it, or hoovers or changes the sheets using his own initiative. Sorry I realise this is a stereotype and may not be useful in your case.

This sounds so sad OP. She clearly isn't interested in you. Does she have anything in her life outside of the children, friends etc? You can't go on like this, it must be soul destroying.

You are putting up with one heck of a lot. She sounds selfish. You are carrying 100% of the financial burden while she sits at home because 'she doesn't like being away from the kids' (oh boo hoo, that's adult life love, money doesn't grow on trees), sulks over stupid things like the dishwasher, makes you feel unwanted. No, this is not about sex. It's about living as a pair of grown adults. She neither wants to contribute financially, nor emotionally. The relationship is dead - she brings zilch to it. So sorry OP.

In your situation I would be thinking do I want to stay in a dead marriage. Your kids are 5 and 8. You have not had sex in 5 year's. Your wife won't go on a date night. She won't go to marriage counselling. Your doing your share of childcare and house work when your not at work. Meanwhile your wife has said she does not want sex and her kids are important to her.

Along with this she is a sahm. She can do charity work, met her friends and go to the gym.
So in effect she has the energy and can find the time to do this but is unwilling to do the same for her marriage. She has a nice lifestyle that your funding and wants to stay playing happy families.
The reality is that marriage requires give and take. When your doing all the giving and the other person is doing all the taking it leads to resentment. I know a lot of married couples.
It's not easy once you have kids but they got a babysitter, had the odd night out and when the kids got a bit older had the odd childfree day or weekend away. They made plans, pulled together as a couple and worked towards their marriage and built up a good life.

To be honest your wife sounds like a spoilt child and wants everything her way. The reality is that your kids see how you are with each other and they are learning from you. As they get older they know that things are poor between you.

At this stage I would be getting legal advice regarding a divorce and get your ducks in a row.
I tell her that unfortunately since she decided not to have sex with you or not go to marriage counselling you have decided to end your dead marriage. Tell her exactly what going to happen then regarding the house. Tell her what days and times you have the children. Then tell her that unfortunately you don't have the earnings to run 2 houses so she will have to go back to work and possibly claim UC.
The reality is that you have being trying for the past 5 years to make your marriage work and your wife is not willing to make the effort to do the same.
Your better off to end this marriage rather staying in it and being miserable. Also don't have an affair as it will make things worse.

In your situation I would be thinking do I want to stay in a dead marriage. Your kids are 5 and 8. You have not had sex in 5 year's. Your wife won't go on a date night. She won't go to marriage counselling. Your doing your share of childcare and house work when your not at work. Meanwhile your wife has said she does not want sex and her kids are important to her.

Along with this she is a sahm. She can do charity work, met her friends and go to the gym.
So in effect she has the energy and can find the time to do this but is unwilling to do the same for her marriage. She has a nice lifestyle that your funding and wants to stay playing happy families.
The reality is that marriage requires give and take. When your doing all the giving and the other person is doing all the taking it leads to resentment. I know a lot of married couples.
It's not easy once you have kids but they got a babysitter, had the odd night out and when the kids got a bit older had the odd childfree day or weekend away. They made plans, pulled together as a couple and worked towards their marriage and built up a good life.

To be honest your wife sounds like a spoilt child and wants everything her way. The reality is that your kids see how you are with each other and they are learning from you. As they get older they know that things are poor between you.

At this stage I would be getting legal advice regarding a divorce and get your ducks in a row.
I tell her that unfortunately since she decided not to have sex with you or not go to marriage counselling you have decided to end your dead marriage. Tell her exactly what going to happen then regarding the house. Tell her what days and times you have the children. Then tell her that unfortunately you don't have the earnings to run 2 houses so she will have to go back to work and possibly claim UC.
The reality is that you have being trying for the past 5 years to make your marriage work and your wife is not willing to make the effort to do the same.
Your better off to end this marriage rather staying in it and being miserable. Also don't have an affair as it will make things worse.

Gently OP, but she doesn't love you anymore.

What is she like day to day with you? Nasty, nice, confrontational, checked out, engaged? How does she respond to you when kids are in bed and you're just there in the evening together?

You've wasted 5 years of your life so far. Don't waste any more. She isn't interested in you other than a provider of a lifestyle. There are plenty of other women who would be happy to be with you and love you. I've seen this happen often and, sometimes, the woman leaves when someone 'better' comes along. The husband is 'used' until then. You deserve better.

Wow. Thank you everyone for the comments. That was a lot to digest during coffee break. Will try and answer a few things that have been raised.

First I think I've been sloppy with my language. When I say helping out I don't mean it is her job and I'm only there to help. We have always taken equal responsibility for housework even before kids. We still split everything 50/50 despite only one of us working. To the poster who said libido increase when you see husband noticing and doing more - I feel like I am picking up on a lot. My daily routine is getting up before everyone else to unload dishwasher, make mine and kids packed lunches and get kids up and breakfast. After work, meal prep and cleaning kitchen whilst doing so, then bath/bedtime. After this usually some other minor things around house - folding washing, picking up any mess.

I'm out at work generally from 8 until 5. Work 8.30-4.30 with 30 minutes commute. One day a week I am back around 5.30 due to a team meeting on Thursday. If I get the chance for an early finish I always take it and come home.

Past mistakes. I just feel that I must have done something to push her away like this. Definitely no affair and would never go down this route. Have seen the effects it has on people and its not good.

To be honest its not the lack of sex that is a problem. Its the complete lack of intimacy. It has definitely been that long since sex, but it has been years since she has really held me, kissed me or even said she loves me. There's just nothing there. I'd like to think I could deal with a lack of sex if there were the other elements.

Evenings are spent in front of the TV pretty much with her also on phone either scrolling or phoning friends. When I try to suggest something different it's always a no. I've done a few surprise date nights at home but they went down like a lead balloon - cocktails (we used to go to cocktail parties), games night (something we always used to do), friends around. Asked what she would like to do for a stay at home date night and she said she didn't want a date night.

That's about the sum of it really. And no I haven't posted here before. First post but had heard about it from colleagues and thought it might be a good place for some anonymous advice.

I think its probably your fault. In most similar situations it is usually the mans fault. Try and think what you did, and correct it. Otherwise she would be sensible to leave you.

Withholding sex in a marriage is a form of abuse. 5 years is taking the piss if I were you I'd file for a divorce.