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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

608 replies

ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:24

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

OP posts:
xyz111 · 10/05/2024 17:25

It must be hard. But you need to not give her any ammunition. Still be pleasant and welcoming, but don't expect much in return unfortunately

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:27

Thank you. Thats what I've been doing. I can see the future playing out and it's not how I wanted it to be.

OP posts:
ReelingRoundtheFountain · 10/05/2024 17:27

Could she not just be introverted?

whatnnoww · 10/05/2024 17:29

The aim OP is to keep a connection to your son and the only way to do that is to just keep being nice . Just do it because it’s the right thing to do , with no expectation of anything in return .

Life is a long old road and there is no guarantee that this relationship will last .

I am sorry though , my children are all pre serious relationships and it would break my heart to know that they weren’t with someone nice

flipflopsalready · 10/05/2024 17:29

ReelingRoundtheFountain · 10/05/2024 17:27

Could she not just be introverted?

I was going to say this, I'm quiet and dh mum was very loud and extroverted, she was constantly asking me what's wrong and trying to get me "out of my shell" in the end I wasn't comfortable around her and so she lost her son.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 10/05/2024 17:29

With respect, she may also be disappointed that she'd be having you all as in laws, knowing full well you don't think she's good enough for your precious 'boy'! If he's in early 20s he's well old enough to make his own decisions and potential mistakes and you're just going to have to put a smile on and play nice.

Finneganvinegar · 10/05/2024 17:31

Think of everything in life as a lesson that person needs at the time. It might not work in the long term but your ds will learn from the experience with his girlfriend anyway. This sort of thinking helps me when I feel the same way about my children's choices. Sorry op it's v hard.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:33

"I was going to say this, I'm quiet and dh mum was very loud and extroverted, she was constantly asking me what's wrong and trying to get me "out of my shell" in the end I wasn't comfortable around her and so she lost her son."

I've seen her with others and she's different so the problem is with us. I'm well aware I could lose my son.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 10/05/2024 17:33

My Dh’s family definitely find me awkward. Probably a bit cold and stand-offish. The thing is that I’m the perfect person for him. He doesn’t fit that well into his family. He is an introvert like me and while he is not ASD like me, he also fits in better with neurodiverse people than neurotypical.

I like his family. They are very nice. I wish we had a closer relationship. Our attempts at connection just tend to fail. It would help if they tried to adapt a bit to our lifestyle, but they definitely view theirs as the default and the norm and expect us to fit into theirs. That is true of most neurotypical people. They don’t tend to understand that not everyone enjoys the same things they enjoy.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:34

Finneganvinegar · 10/05/2024 17:31

Think of everything in life as a lesson that person needs at the time. It might not work in the long term but your ds will learn from the experience with his girlfriend anyway. This sort of thinking helps me when I feel the same way about my children's choices. Sorry op it's v hard.

Thank you, that's comforting.

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 10/05/2024 17:36

@ohthejoys21
Yes me and i amagine some others people in their lives

I was a rebellious teenager who went off the rails cause of shitty childhood of instabilities and so called care homes then being adopted to lovely welsh family and experincing watching my adopted mum dieing young too, etc,

So ended having abusive nasty relationships with emotional abusive men..

Sometimes we have to just learn by our mistakes
Just be like you are a constant support a safe haven he knows he can turn too and have his back allways,

I have a feeling he will outgrow this relationship naturally over time he will just wise up, and see her and what's what for what they really are,
and that be that,
Maybe a couple of relapses but he will soon move on from her...

and meet a much better partner in life emotionally for himself who is more stable influence they be good for each other,

this relationship is a transient relationship in which he will be down the line sooner or later "be thinking what the hell was i thinking 🤔 of being with her,"
Bonkers type of thing,

He is not stupid

He is just impulse he wears his ❤️ heart on his sleeve
I think she is taking advantage in some way of his good charactor ...

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:38

Ponderingwindow · 10/05/2024 17:33

My Dh’s family definitely find me awkward. Probably a bit cold and stand-offish. The thing is that I’m the perfect person for him. He doesn’t fit that well into his family. He is an introvert like me and while he is not ASD like me, he also fits in better with neurodiverse people than neurotypical.

I like his family. They are very nice. I wish we had a closer relationship. Our attempts at connection just tend to fail. It would help if they tried to adapt a bit to our lifestyle, but they definitely view theirs as the default and the norm and expect us to fit into theirs. That is true of most neurotypical people. They don’t tend to understand that not everyone enjoys the same things they enjoy.

Thank you for sharing your experience. Yup we're a sociable family and she hardly speaks. I accept that but what I find it hard to accept is such obvious rudeness. I'm sad for the grandchildren I won't be close to.

OP posts:
EmmaPeele · 10/05/2024 17:38

We had this with my brother. Don't give her any excuse to fall out with you or cause your son to fall out with you. Just keep on being pleasant towards her and, whatever you do, don't ever criticise her to your son. She might have some kind of anxiety where she feels embarrassed saying hello and goodbye (I know I'm scraping the barrel here for excuses) and she might not have known quite what to say to your poor mother after the funeral. She's your son's choice at the end of the day and if you want to be part of his life in the future then you'll just have to accept her for how she is.

Meadowfinch · 10/05/2024 17:39

But OP, you don't say if she makes your DS happy. Is she honest and loyal to your ds? Does she support your ds in his ambitions? Is she hard working and good at what she does? Is she a positive person?

If she is going to be your ds' wife, those are the important things, because she will be spending her life with him, not with you.

Fantasmic143 · 10/05/2024 17:40

I can totally understand this as my DC are in their twenties and my DD has now got a fairly serious boyfriend.

The thing that makes me most sad for you, OP, is that your DS's girlfriend brings out the worst in him. My DD's boyfriend is so good for her and so brings out the best in her and I like him most for that. To be fair, I really like him for him, too.

But I would be devastated if it wasn't this way and want to send much sympathy.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:41

Thank you so much Cerisepanther73. I hope you have found contentment and stability now. With me, I wish you were right.. he's talking about moving in with her and marriage so I don't think it's transient. It's just a different future for me than the one I imagined.

OP posts:
JamesPringle · 10/05/2024 17:42

I'm sorry OP. This must be really hard.
Just wanted to echo a PPs experience. My ex's family were kind and generous but so loud and there were so many of them, and I am quiet and introverted. I think they thought I was a snob and didn't like them, especially as they'd see me with others, maybe people with a communication style more similar to my own, and would see I could be relatively chatty. I really liked them and wished I could fit in, but being introverted/shy is a massive massive social barrier.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:44

Fantasmic143 · 10/05/2024 17:40

I can totally understand this as my DC are in their twenties and my DD has now got a fairly serious boyfriend.

The thing that makes me most sad for you, OP, is that your DS's girlfriend brings out the worst in him. My DD's boyfriend is so good for her and so brings out the best in her and I like him most for that. To be fair, I really like him for him, too.

But I would be devastated if it wasn't this way and want to send much sympathy.

Thank you and I'm so pleased you love your dd's boyfriend and feel he's right for your dd. My dd too has a lovely serious boyfriend who brings out the best in her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:46

Meadowfinch · 10/05/2024 17:39

But OP, you don't say if she makes your DS happy. Is she honest and loyal to your ds? Does she support your ds in his ambitions? Is she hard working and good at what she does? Is she a positive person?

If she is going to be your ds' wife, those are the important things, because she will be spending her life with him, not with you.

I don't know if she makes him happy, that's the thing. I don't think he's got loads of confidence as his dad and I split when he was tiny and he's never showed an interest in ds. I can't believe it hasn't affected him. I'd just love him to be on his own and be happy in himself before he decides on his future.

OP posts:
Mischance · 10/05/2024 17:48

It is very hard I know - I have 3 married adult children and there were definitely times when I wondered if they had made the right choices - there were things that concerned us. But .... they are all happy now and proving to be good parents. You just have to hang on in there and, above all else, keep smiling and being welcoming and ZIP THE LIP!!

Meadowfinch · 10/05/2024 17:48

It sounds a bit like my relationship with my SIL.

She is totally unalike anyone in our family (which is probably the attraction). She worries about clothes and nails and 'treatments' and styles herself as an 'influencer'. We all have careers and don't go much past basic good grooming, clean & tidy.

We don't have anything in common, so we find each other pretty hard work.

But my brother adores her. He is happy with her. He would be miserable without her, and in the end, I love my brother and his happiness is the most important thing. So I just accept that she is who she is and not expect any more from her.

TheCadoganArms · 10/05/2024 17:48

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Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:49

I e tried so hard to bond with her.. we've taken them on lovely holidays, bought her thoughtful birthday gifts.. tried to fake it till I make it but it's just not happening.

OP posts:
Mischance · 10/05/2024 17:50

One of the now sons-in-law was monosyllabic to the point of rudeness - he is very different now, a decade or so later, and I have a lot of respect for him and get along well with him.

Original poster
ohthejoys21 · 10/05/2024 17:50

Meadowfinch · 10/05/2024 17:48

It sounds a bit like my relationship with my SIL.

She is totally unalike anyone in our family (which is probably the attraction). She worries about clothes and nails and 'treatments' and styles herself as an 'influencer'. We all have careers and don't go much past basic good grooming, clean & tidy.

We don't have anything in common, so we find each other pretty hard work.

But my brother adores her. He is happy with her. He would be miserable without her, and in the end, I love my brother and his happiness is the most important thing. So I just accept that she is who she is and not expect any more from her.

I completely understand this.

OP posts: