Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

You are making a load of assumptions though.

Lots of introverted people finding it hard to speak, especially to loud and confident people and people in "authority" like your boyfriend's mum when you are only in your early 20s.

You are deciding it's deliberate rudeness because you have seen that she is more comfortable with familiar peers. That isn't necessarily the case though, is it? If she wanted to be actively rude she would not show up to her boyfriend's uncle's funeral, or tell you all to fuck off or slag you off. All you seem to be able to say is that she isn't able to use greetings or speak to people in high stakes situations, but that's really typical of people who are socially anxious.

It would probably help enormously if you try to reframe her as someone who finds it hard to get to know new people and can be shy and awkward, rather than jumping to conclusions about her being deliberately rude.

Just give it time .......

Is she very shy and /or socially awkward?
There must be something about her that your son loves.

Why did she lose her son? Why did you not feeling comfortable around his mum mean she lost her son? Can you not hear how fucked up that is?
Are you controlling in other aspects of your life?

I’m fairly sure my family think my husband “brings out the worst” in me, because he likes aspects of me (quite significant ones) that they don’t (eg he laughs at my jokes, he likes it when I’m “clever” and we like the same books, we’d both rather go for a walk than a very noisy bar). But he does make me very happy - obviously so - so I think they’ve decided that we’re as bad as each other.

I quite often see them without him, which smooths everything along a lot. And now we have DS, the two of us visit them without DH as well.

MIL thinks I’m wonderful ( 😂) so we tend to see her together, but DH also obviously has his own relationship and time with her separately.

Could you - carefully - see if you maintain a good relationship with your DS without it always being with her as well?

@flipflopsalready that's a bit odd to say that someone lost their son because you thought she was too much what's stopping him visiting on his own. The concept of get on completely with the partner never have any difficulties or lose the adult child is horrible

"OP, as someone else said don't give her ammo to isolate your son. I was just like your son when I was just out of uni. I started dating a woman who made very little effort with my friends and family despite them all being welcoming to her. I internally made all sorts of excuses for her in order to justify her at times shitty behaviour. She, in turn, bit by bit started to isolate me from my peer group. At no point did she actually forbade me from seeing those close but she was very much in the background planting the seeds of doubt and nibbling away at those relationships in a "I don't think x has your best interests at heart" kind of way. She was partially successful too as my social circle was dimminshed and my relationship with my family became more strained as things became increasingly us and them. My family though, despite this, always kept the door open, always reached out and ultimately were there for me when inevitably my relationship became more and more controlling and eventually emotionally and physically abusive. I got out eventually and had to eat a big lump of humble pie as I had not treated many people very well in my constant defence of my girlfriend. I managed to repair most of the friendships and was eternally grateful my family despite all sorts of provocations were there for me as they could see (that I could not) was that she was a toxic controlling cunt."

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so pleased you repaired your friendships and came out of it.

I'm sure she's convinced herself I don't want her to marry my son and of course she's right. I've tried everything not to show it though. The door will always be open to my son too whatever happens. It's very hard to see them making mistakes that will impact so hugely.

Communication load examples. Note that greetings are high communication load. None of this is conscious choice in a socially anxious person.

You and I are the same person. My in-laws certainly don’t get it. But DH gets me 100%.

I agree. Unfortunately no one wants their children to end up with someone who is the wrong person for them, @or who doesn’t fit into the family. Years can be wasted and lives ruined.

Introvert is not the same as shy. And almost all adults are capable of saying hello and goodbye. If she is behaving very differently with you and your family compared with her family and friends, there is something else going on. Have you asked your son why she doesn't say hello or goodbye?

Remember that she's young too. While some early twenty somethings are polite and charming, lots are still a bit teenager-y. She's got time to grow and grow up a bit.

I know my parents didn't like my husband when we got together (when I was 15 and he was 16!) and it took a long time for them to warm to him as they thought he was sullen and moody, especially in his early 20's.

They absolutely adore him now and have a great relationship. Sometimes it just takes time!

Thank you! I will have a read. I'm so tired of asking her questions to get a response. Dh is more extravort than me and doesn't even need a reaction he can just keep going! I'm sure she likes him. I guess I'll just have to try harder.

Yes - this - just leave them to it and realise that you won't get the relationship you want from her. Just try to concentrate on your own life, and leave them to it, whilst sending b'day cards, keeping it pleasant etc. Hopefully if your son is a good sort, he will just come and see you without her.
It always surprises me how people aren't prepared to make the effort with their in laws. My mum didn't love her MIL but still went to see her every week, made sure we saw her, and that my dad sent cards, dropped round etc. It's just part of the deal of family life. There should be no 'lost sons' or daughters, unless IL's behaviour is really bad of course.

He's very defensive or her so I don't want to fan the flames. Everything I say to him will get back to her.

15/16 is such a challenging age and obviously wasn't reflecting his true self! Very young though! I'm so pleased it's worked out.

It's really hard.
Our families are very different.

We're Irish, a bit loud, love a drink, take the piss, all in each others business, but love each other dearly, very huggy, kissy, etc. DH finds it all a bit much.

In-laws are quite reserved, one or two drinks are more than enough, and mostly small talk. I have to really rein myself in.

We have been married for 22 years, and we just get on with it as they are very important to the other one.

One of mine had a horrible boyfriend he was just obnoxious although he was "civil" he just wasn't a pleasant person and it wasn't great for Dd in the end, they were together a long while with talk of moving in together, we were horrified but they eventually broke up, they are with someone lovely now.

@ohthejoys21 I'm sorry you are going through this it isn't easy I mean If the whole family don't like her then it's probably a her thing. Just keep being civil guess that's all you can do and secretly hope it fizzles out.

TempersFuggit thank you. My children's childhoods were enriched by being close to my parents, and I hope my ds will remember that and let me have a relationship with any future kids.

I was typing a very similar reply before I saw yours. What a nasty piece of work, she's not so introverted when it comes to going online boasting about her scheming ways, is she?

Sometimes time works its magic in these sorts of relationships.

My ILs and I come from very different backgrounds - when we first met neither of us thought much of the other as our expectations of life/behaviour were completely at odds with other.

Over time we have come to appreciate each other and those differences that seemed so important don't seem so any more. We're not close but we help each other out.

Mostly importantly we both love the same people - their child and my children and that's the focus for us all.

I am basically this girl. I am an introvert and SO nervous about what the important people think, I’ve been with DH 12 years and he still occasionally mentions how crap I was with his friends and family for the first few years. Friends are totally fine now, partly because we are similar and have lots in common. I still find it difficult with his family, I think they look down on me and see me as the reason DH has never moved back to their home town. The entire family live in one rural town so are VERY close and it takes a huge amount of effort for me to speak up at the occasional family gathering because we are not in the club.

Could this be the same sort of situation?

Sorry but you are wrong. If she has selective mutism, for example, hello and goodbye are some of the very hardest words to say, because they are associated with years of pressure and shame.

It is absolutely typical of SM that people are judged negatively because they are observed speaking happily to familiar "safe" people and then it's assumed that their inability to speak to other people is a deliberate choice. They may even be able to speak a little in response. This is called "low profile" selective mutism and is almost invariably misjudged by people who don't even know that they don't know about SM (they thinks it's a choice, or that a person has to be totally silent to have SM) and its forms and think they know better.

I know a great deal about severe social anxiety and the borderline with selective mutism and I am telling you it is a viable hypothesis that a person can speak comfortably with one group of people in the presence of a second group of people, and yet be unable to speak at all, or only monosyllabic ally in short answers, to that second group of people - entirely outside of their own choice. It just depends on which people trigger the anxiety shut down response.

OP I don't know if your future dil has selective mutism or severe social anxiety or if she is just not fussed with you guys or if she is as someone else so kindly stated a "controlling cunt". But for the future happiness of your family it is worth reflecting and considering, no?

Maybe because her partner's parents wilfully decided she was rude and unpleasant rather than making an effort to understand her introversion and social difficulties, and he was told "her or us", or they went out of their way to be unpleasant to his wife so he cut them off?

Why does her partner not have any agency in this decision? Why is the only possible explanation that occurs to you that she has engineered this and is controlling and scheming?

Thank you for sharing that. It is so hard being shy. I would hate her to feel as you do/did. Ds's partner is a different religion from us, which isn't my problem, although she may well think it is. At family gatherings she just doesn't say a word, only to answer when spoken to.