Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

SerefinasGoose yes of course after all these years of trying I feel hostile and upset. And yes I'm sure she's now picking up on it. But I would disagree that they way the entire family feels is neither here nor there. When I say the entire family, I also mean my ex-dh's family.. she's rude to everyone.

Yes I'm aware something has to change, I just don't know how.

I guess the trick is knowing whether it is a case of genuine rudeness or another issue such as anxiety, as others have suggested. If I was to find myself in this situation I would speak to my ds, say Ive noticed his gf doesn’t really engage in conversation with me and ask if there is anything I can do to improve things. You may just get an answer as to what is going on/ how his girlfriend feels, something you can act on perhaps. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect anyone to spend years of their life in hostile company, if that is genuinely just the type of person they are ( and it’s not something else that can be worked on together with time).

No parallels between the behaviour. But every parallel between the same old clichéd response doled out to women who are mistreated. Accept shit treatment from the world in case the perpetrators may be anxious, your own mental health be damned.

Only in your case you're threatening her with this loss of her son too, to go alongside your armchair diagnosis of a women you've never met.

I'm wondering if she does indeed have some level of social anxiety, and has felt overwhelmed by you? You talk of lovely holidays and thoughtful gifts - I am curious about the background to those, whether she indicated she wanted to go on holiday with you, etc. Is it possible that you've gone all out to make her feel welcome, but that in doing so, you've got a bit intense? And that because she hasn't responded like you wanted her to, she's now been cast in your mind as rude and cold? No judgment from me BTW, it's not nice to feel that friendly overtures have been rejected. But then again, we all need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.....

This
I am beginning to think that Op is the issue.

The girlfriend is going into family events where apparently "everyone" doesn't like her. The OPs dislike of her is palpable through the thread.

Perhaps the girlfriend is in fact the woman who is being expected to put up with mistreatment?

All the OP has said is that she's quiet, doesn't talk much and doesn't say hi. It's hardly mistreating anyone to be quiet or shy or introverted. I'm an extrovert but I do find that extroverts (and the OP has implied the family are extrovets) expect introverts to come to them at their level and don't even take things to the introverts level which tbh is also quite rude but somehow seen as socially acceptable

Don’t agree- the OP has gone out of her way to make this girl feel welcome, and it must be distressing to feel she’s not getting anywhere with her.

How do you get on with her parents OP? Have you met them? How does she get on with them? That might shed some light on it all...

Have you met / know anything about her parents / siblings? Does she have a good relationship with them? My ds is similar age to yours & is in his first serious relationship. So far, so good & she seems very nice but I can tell she's quite shy & reserved around us but much freer & lively with my ds. I hope things take a turn for tge better with you & your ds's girlfriend. I can quite see why you're worried but just be there for him & be nice to her. My nephew was in a relationship with a girl who we just couldn't really warm to & who was tge controlling element in their relationship & she drove a wedge between him & my sister's family. Thankfully, he eventually chose his family over her and is now back to being his true self & is much happier for that. Only time will tell.

The OP also feels comfortable making ableist comments

I wouldn't feel comfortable in a house where someone was comfortable making casual ableist comments.

My Fil makes casual racist and sexist comments so when I was younger I barely spoke to him in order to not set him off. Now I'm older I'm better at directing the conversation away from those topics but we still get the unexpected comments every now and again

No, she says herself that she fears the loss of her son in her original post.

I have never met the person no, and have said that I don't know if it's SM, but I am offering the symptoms to see if they make sense to OP, based on her description.

I am not diagnosing anyone on the thread but I am fully qualified IRL to do so, just like on the A and E threads when someone says "nurse here, I advise heading straight to A and E". I am offering a plausible opinion that could make a really positive difference if I am right.

Or, we could all just assume that OP's son wants to marry a rude and horrible person and just say "bad luck".

I am beginning to think that Op is the issue

I don't agree. How hard is it to just say hello and goodbye, answer a question, say a kind word to someone who has had a loss? It's just basic manners fgs.

As usual, MN will try to make out it's the MIL's fault no matter what. But I really don't think it is here. This has obviously been a longer term relationship if they are talking marriage so surely any "first nerves" on the part of the GF should be well and truly put to bed by now and they should be comfortable.

As long as your son is happy than you should be happy. We don’t always agree with the choices our dc make but we have to remember they are living their own lives and we can’t live our lives through them.

Be kind, courteous and attentive to your son’s partner. Include her in all family activities and maybe even try to do something on your together. Just because she is different to you and your family doesn’t mean she isn’t right for your son.

My daughter’s boyfriend's mum is disappointed they’re together. They’re just 18 and have been together nearly two years. She finds my daughter’s shyness awkward. She’d like him to have a more outgoing girlfriend with more to her life than just him.

The Op says that the GF is rude. In what way is she rude?
She is probably aware that Op doesn’t like her which may explain why she feels uncomfortable with the family.
The problem with posts such as this is that we only have the OP’s side and so far there isn’t anything that the Op has said that makes me think that the GF is a nasty person. Is it because the GF is glamorous and Op thinks she looks down on the family or does Op think that the GF is not good enough for her son?
The fact that the GF even attends the events suggests that she is making an effort.
Op, just doesn’t like her

Could you arrange a lunch date with her and get to know her on a 1 to 1 basis, if your DS is picking up that you don’t like her it would probably make him v happy too

My daughter has selective mutism and is autistic. When she’s alone with her boyfriend, it’s as if she has no social anxiety but with anyone else, she is highly anxious and never initiates conversation. She will smile and laugh appropriately and answer questions as politely as she can but this might not be the impression she gives even if it’s the impression she intends. She seems like a closed book to everyone apart from me, her dad and her boyfriend.
She hates that she can’t make people around her comfortable but just doesn’t know how to. Socialising, even to a small extent, exhausts her.

It’s always either the MILs fault or some kind of neurodiversity/medical condition. If it were the latter why wouldn’t the DS have mentioned it?

She’s probably just odd/rude, OP, but you said she was a different religion to you. Is there a cultural barrier or does she disapprove of your religion?

I think you have to keep trying to fake it. Otherwise if they chose to commit/have children you don't want to be the family they avoid seeing.

I don't think she's a nasty person. She likes animals which shows kindness. I have already stated why she comes across as rude, stated how much I've tried.. no is "looking down" on anyone, I'm just not used to this. And got it in one, I don't like her, after trying for years with her. I have no doubt she doesn't like me but I'm not a robot and it needs to be two ways!

When you said she didn’t say hello/bye to your mother when her brother died - and said it was rude. My first thought was that she didn’t want to intrude. Not necessarily rude but perhaps not sure what to do? It’s tricky when you’re a minor person in a family at an important event like that. Honestly trust your son that he’s found the right person for him right now and lower your own expectations around grandchildren etc - that sounds too much

Thing is - in the it doesn’t matter why the girlfriend doesn’t talk. OP you just need to keep going, stay chatty and friendly, lower your expectations and keep the relationship alive.

A) she’s a bitch - well nothing you can do will change that and now you have a clear conscience and your son can see you try every time.

B) she is shy / introverted/ selectively mute - bingo ! In the end she’ll come round.

Make an effort every time. Ask her what she’s done that week, remember and follow up next time.

don’t obsess about why she didn’t speak to your mother after a funeral. Who gives a fuck !? Don’t hold grudges, hold flowers

you have more to lose here

No there is no cultural barrier although we're very family orientated and probably more outgoing than the average English family. We're also probably quite affluent although I don't see that as relevant. I guess I have no choice but to carry on trying. I love my son!

Thank you, I think this is the best and only advice anyone can give me. I will keep trying.

Perhaps. It was, at the time though, almost too much to bear. DD's boyfriend walked in, gave my mum a hug and girlfriend just walked past her without a hello.