Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

Keep doing what you're doing. I literally killed my DSs GF with kindness but she was rude and entitled. My DM was actually scared of her.

Ultimately, the GF 'won'. DS gradually cut his whole family off and none of us have seen or heard from him in over 3yrs. We don't even know where he lives.

Info about high and low profile selective mutism.

OP it doesn't make sense that she shows up to family gatherings if her intention is to make you uncomfortable and be deliberately rude.

Please read about low profile SM. It is SO misunderstood as a condition. Substitute the word "child" obviously and see if it appears to describe her presentation.

"OP I don't know if your future dil has selective mutism or severe social anxiety or if she is just not fussed with you guys or if she is as someone else so kindly stated a "controlling cunt". But for the future happiness of your family it is worth reflecting and considering, no?"

I she no experience of selected mutism and how on earth am I meant to? I just see someone who repays our effort with rudeness. If I was aware of any disability I'm sure I would feel differently, although if I'm honest that wouldn't be my ideal scenario for ds.. and yes I know it's not my choice!

*I have no experience of selected mutism

The more you post OP the less it looks like the girlfriend is the issue

But she speaks when spoken to. She obviously prefers my dh as seems much more natural with him.

Because I can read.

"in the end I wasn't comfortable around her and she lost her son"

Not "in the end they escalated their behaviour until they forced my husband to choose".

May she get the daughters in law she deserves.

My husband's friend married an awful woman who no one liked . No one could understand what he saw in her but they seem very happy. We have all met couples like this . The thing is no one knows what goes on in other people's relationships or what goes on behind closed doors . He had made his choice but I'm afraid there is nothing you can do but let him know your door is always open and he will always have a bed at yours if he ever moves in with this girl .

I don't expect you to; I am just providing the info so you can consider if she isn't actually rude and cold, but desperately anxious.

I'm devastated for you. I wonder why? Just awful and I hope things change one day.

"ohthejoys21
*I have no experience of selected mutism

I don't expect you to; I am just providing the info so you can consider if she isn't actually rude and cold, but desperately anxious."

Ok thank you. That would perhaps explain why she ignored my mother after the funeral. My mum is a warm and friendly person, she had no other reason to do this. I am listening.

If she is desperately anxious, what should OP do to help? I'd be interested to know how to deal with someone who feels this way...

The other day on this very board a poster was told to be kind to her violent ex who smashed up the house and sent threats to her via third parties becuse he might have been anxious about her going on holiday.

It really is the ultimate way to shut down a woman's concerns, isn't it? Accept shit treatment from the world in case the perpetrators may be anxious, your own mental health be damned.

@Meadowfinch
Those are hardly reasons to dislike someone, that she cares about her appearance, you sound unpleasant
'we have careers' 'worries about her looks' very judgy.

That is the definition of low profile SM. A person who is unable to initiate speech with "unsafe" people, but will often manage to answer a little bit when spoken to.

Does she initiate conversation ever? Does she expand on answers? With your DH who you say she likes, does she end up having a laugh and a proper chat, or does it feel to him like getting blood out of a stone?

One of the ways we differentiate shyness and SM, and this always breaks my heart a little, is that shy people give enough back that people often feel protective and positive towards them. People with SM often have a frozen countenance and stiff body language and if people try to interact they get so little back that they think of that person as rejecting them and this engenders hostile feelings. It's so sad.

You’ll just have to keep on being polite and friendly and as pp have warned, don’t give her any ammunition against you. It does sound a real shame.

This is something I struggle with; in my thirties I have adapted and grown in confidence to the point where I would guess / hope most people think I’m just a bit quiet. In my early twenties like the GF though I just couldn’t. My brain would bottom out and rather than stumble around trying to speak, which I felt would make me look ridiculous, I kept my mouth shut and yes, there were people who have said they thought I was rude, cold, hated them etc when I’m actually the most laid back and accepting person ever - inside my head! I would consider that it may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

You keep talking, keep being warm and friendly, avoid asking any direct questions, act like the lack of responding doesn't bother you.

In many cases this will be enough to gradually enable the person to feel less anxious in your presence and this in turn increases the likelihood that they will be able to speak.

If and when they do speak, you don't praise them, or make a fuss. You just keep talking like they always talked back and this is no big deal.

It's as simple as that.

So sorry you are going through this. Just keep on being polite and welcoming to her

I have selective mutism.

It's part of my anxiety disorder.

It did cause problems with my PILs (I was married for twenty years).

I was very anxious of FIL in particular as my ExH and I met and married quite young (age 20) and at the time my SIL was a youngish teenager and he was a very shouty parent.

I remember one time she had arranged to go out with her friends when we had come to visit and he literally came into the room and shouted loudly at her.

I came from a family where no-one shouted and honestly he terrified me.

As I grew up and got out into the workplace I saw that more people were like FIL - shouty and angry - and I cope with them a lot better now. After 20 years of teaching I'm actually very good at coping with anger and aggression.

But I never really got over the fear of FIL.

I avoided spending time with him and tried to avoid talking to him because I was scared of him shouting at me.

Now my own kids are adults I have gone to a lot of effort to be welcoming. I would hate for anyone to be as scared of me as I was of FIL.

@flipflopsalready

Wow. Just wow. How fucked up is that. I don't get on with my MIL very well but I'd never try to stop DH having his own relationship with her. He sees her from time to time on his own terms.

I dread my son getting involved with someone as controlling as you that makes it a "them or me" ultimatum. That's immature and selfish.

Your hostility to your son's partner is becoming palpable here, OP. However quiet you believe your disapproval to be, it's entirely possible that she is picking up on this despite your outward efforts to hide it. You do, after all, feel strongly enough to discuss the matter with other family members and post about her on MN.

It's a great shame when someone decides 'different = bad', or that someone 'doesn't fit into the family' as a PP so tactfully puts it upthread. Depend upon it: she will know. And eventually she will put as much distance between herself and you as possible. From your later updates it's possible this may suit, but I'd be mindful of the uncomfortable situation this will likely create for your son.

From her perspective it can't be very pleasant to step into a situation where she feels like a pariah, or senses that nobody around her wishes her well. If that's the case case she will be more likely to view taciturnity as a self-preservation mechanism, far from a repayment of your 'efforts' with rudeness.

That others in your family also dislike her doesn't necessarily endorse your position.

Couldn't agree more - sounds very controlling.

Could it be that she has picked up on the fact that you/your DD don't like her? You've said that your son is very defensive of her, have you criticised her before to know this?

IMO the worst thing you can do is turn this into a 'pick me' contest. Don't undermine her, criticise her, try to exclude her etc. Don't give her any reason to tell your son that she wants to go no/low contact.

Lots of women feel like they have hellish MILs because the MIL doesn't want to 'let go' of her darling boy, doesn't seem to happen as much with daughters.

My brother married a woman that none of us like. I've never said a word about it to him, he's the one that has to live with her, I just have to see her every now and then. I'm kind and polite to her because my relationship with my brother is what matters to me.

How is that situation in any way parallel? Sorry, but WTF?

we are talking about an early 20s female who appears rude because they don't speak in situations where this is expected. Not a violent male.

The OP understands that she is setting up to lose her son because she knows he will choose this girl over his family if push comes to shove. The advice I am giving regarding selective mutism - which is a real condition, btw, that ruins lives, not a grown violent man being possibly a bit anxious - is being offered only as a possible alternative explanation for what OP observes.

Should it happen that actually her son's partner does have SM then by far the best scenario is that she comes to understand this, her perceptions of her apparently rude daughter in law are reframed, she is able to develop a positive relationship with her, and they move forward as a happy family.

It is just a suggestion to see if the descriptions sound like her daughter in law.

I have to say, this is one of the most ridiculous false analogy posts I have ever seen. You seem very bitter.