Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

The thing is that realistically you can’t choose partners for your children.

I can understand your sadness and dislike of rudeness. That’s completely fair enough.

But the situation you were used to in terms of a previous gf and both families having dinners together and enjoying time as a big happy party is quite unusual at this young age. Those forms of relationships, if they happen, normally come with age and time.

Your DS obviously enjoys his relationship with her and all you can do is be supportive and welcoming. Somehow you need to put aside your own wishes of wanting a super close relationship with his gf, but that’s not to say that given more time and them being together perhaps living together or even marrying that your relationship won’t strengthen and develop further.

Nicely as well, earlier up thread you mentioned she finds you intimidating. That’s a quite strong feeling to have. Why do you think you intimidate her?

I don’t mean to hurt you, but none of us like to feel intimidated by someone. Perhaps this is something you should focus on going forward.

Ds's ex's family were part of our wider community.. very unusual situ I know but we just gelled.. same people, same history, same outlook. Ds's girlfriend now is very different.. not that that's a bad thing, I can't see us being close but I hope if they do marry it won't be for lack of trying on my part.

It likely will, agree with that, but it doesn't have to mean no relationship at all, or that the son doesn't send gifts and make phone calls, send messages. That's on him if it doesn't happen.

Best case scenario is that even with no relationship, they can be polite adults in the same room when necessary, but if there's a good reason one person doesn't want to be in the presence of another, that might not be realistic.

That sounds more like you met people you wished to be friends with and your kids happened to be dating.

That relationship must have been when your son was under 18? It's a completely different ball game to him choosing a partner to be with as an adult, long term. I think it's unfair to compare the two situations much at all.

It is horrible and I have lost a child as well. MIL was informed after the funeral for that one. We have talked about it after that experience and agreed that if DH or myself died, his mother would be informed after the funeral had taken place. She wouldn't be able to travel for it anyway.

Here you are comparing the GF to the ex again. This is probably a big part of your problem. She knows you prefer the ex. Believe me, she knows.

Kindly OP it does sound as though you are hankering for the previous gf with all that entailed, plus the socialising with her family. They were your type of people and you all just gelled. But it wasn’t actually your relationship.

BUT your son didn’t continue his relationship with that girlfriend and is now in this relationship of four years standing. He wants this current relationship not the former. But you want for him his former gf, or someone similar. But he’s made a different choice.

There must be some vibes that are being given off to current gf as I can even “feel” them from how you are speaking on this thread. The undertone is “she’s not one of us”.

I get it. I really do. But you need to be careful here.

A good friend of mine married a man who was so diametrically opposed to what anyone would have considered a good match. Her parents (father in particular) rose above it all to be the epitome of excellent PILs. Other family members bitched, gossiped and sniped. I’m not saying your family is doing this, but there’s obviously a lot of discussion. Those parents are now dead and the wider family don’t now have a relationship with my friend. The husband isn’t a bad person as such, just a bit of a fantasist and annoying. But he loves her and she loves him. He’s settled down far more than anticipated and her parents were wise. They offered a few words of wisdom then backed off and embraced the relationship, no doubt privately wishing that their daughter had made different choices.

Friendlycat yes you're got it. I have to get used to someone from a different world who I've tried to understand but just don't really. I'm well aware it's his choice, it is what it is and I'll just have to try and make the best of it.

Agree. She makes your son happy, that's worth alot.

I think it's in her first post that the OP says that the GF doesn't seem to make her DS happy, which is surely part of OP's concern? It would be far easier to cope with an unsociable, bad-mannered GF if her son was clearly thriving in the relationship. I've always, in relationships, tried my hardest to get along with my partner's family: it seemed an important aspect of making the relationship with my partner work out. So what does GF's behaviour say about her relationship with DS? I think if I'd had a partner who had behaved rudely towards my parents I would have questioned the relationship. I wouldn't have wanted that extra source of stress and difficult in my life.

Also, everyone saying that in his early 20s DS is an adult... Legally, yes. But all the evidence is that the human brain doesn't finish developing until 25, and later in men than in women. Which makes me feel a bit better about some of the foolish decisions I took when I was under 25, when I thought I knew everything and knew nothing at all.

That is such a negative attitude. Accept her for who she is, you don't have to make the best of it you just have to get on with life and welcome a new member into your family.

That reminds me of my granddad. Working class Irish family and one of the daughters, my aunt, married quite a posh English man. Family weren't as welcoming/accepting as they might have been, he was very different to them. If anyone ever said anything to granddad his reply was, "He's good to my daughter, he's good to my grandchildren. Nothing else matters."

That's what OP has been doing for the four years that this young woman has been part of the family. It's perfectly reasonable for OP to be sad and disappointed that nothing has changed despite her best efforts

Op literally starts her post with the obvious, ie knowing her son is an adult and can make his own choices. So why do pp keep reminding her? She is seeking solutions to trying to feel happier for her son and get on better with his choice of gf. She notes that she doesn't seem to make her ds happy.

Apologies for my earlier misfire re potential jealousy OP, and my mistake re your ds's stepfather vs his father. Feel for you.

OP feels aggrieved that the future she wanted is not the future she appears to be walking toward, and I'm paraphrasing one particular objection to her DS's partner as highlighted in her post above. But it isn't her future that's under consideration here. It's that of her DS. And as you also seem to be suggesting, the question of whether GF makes DS happy is one for him alone.

OP is disappointed in her son's partner and wants, I suppose, some validation of that feeling. As always, some posters have done just that, some have offered ways to manage the situation, and others have told her she's being outright unreasonable. Such is the nature of a discussion board.

Anyone is entitled to feel what they feel; it won't make one jot of difference whether others validate this or otherwise. The problem is that neither option is productive or likely to achieve anything positive whatsoever. It certainly won't provide any viable solutions to this particular dilemma.

'I will just have to try harder' also isn't an effective solution. Why should OP bust a gut trying to make herself liked? IME, people usually sense this and it tends to incline them less, not more, to your favour. Plus, given OP's openly admitted hostility toward the woman, the mask is bound to slip sooner or later. Waiting in hope for them to split up is equally unproductive. If my in-laws nurtured a similar hope on my account - and it's not inconceivable that they have - they will have been sorely disappointed. 25 years later, here I still am 😀

There are many possible suggestions upthread as to how this situation might be approached more positively, and part of that might unfortunately involve managing expectations of the relationship. It's very likely this relationship will never be what either side wanted, but given time (and hopefully less chatter amongst the family about how impossible GF is - even if she is) it might be possible to arrive at some form of workable relationship.

If it's a question of making her feel welcome, unfortunately it seems that ship has already sailed. She clearly feels uncomfortable but isn't distancing herself entirely and is continuing to visit. Best to take that as a positive and build on it. Four years isn't all that long, and a savvy parent would opt to play the long game here.

These is misogyny here.
Even on Mumsnet, most of the disappointment is with the women who have joined the family rather than men.

What I do find interesting, is that when a man chooses to distance himself from his family, it's automatically deemed to be the woman's fault.

Men are capable creatures. They mostly populate parliament and senior CEO roles in the workplace. If they actively want to contact their families they are very well able to organize that, whether their wives are NC with the in-laws or not.

Were I concerned about not seeing my grandchildren or losing my own DC, then, sad though it is, I'd examine the values with which I (and the rest of society) bring up our sons.

OP's future relationship with her son is not the responsibility of his GF. It's his.

This is misogynistic nonsense: you're essentially blaming every mother for the way her child turns out. This is woman-hating rubbish.

Any sensible, serious GF or BF who loves someone and is contemplating a lifetime with them and, necessarily, their family, would be sensible to do what they can to get along with their partner's family. Someone who decides that a BF or GF's family don't deserve basic good manners is foolish at least, stupid at worst.

I mentioned the word 'society'. Who said anything about blaming the mother specifically?

Only you.

My DD has a partner I don't like. He is manipulative and mean to her. I really don't think he loves her or their children. I think she knows this but is scared to leave him. all I can do is be there for her. x

Yep, I completely agree on this.

Op is the problem here. Her expectations are the problem.

@NewmumtoPickles2023 OP's sadness at what might have been and how to address the fact that her ds's gf is made uncomfortable by, or actively dislikes her, her sense of loss are the problems she's trying to address and seeking advice on, she knows she's the problem as you so 'kindly' put it. But it does take two to make any relationshop work if people want it to, as she clearly does, and clearly she tries

It's very clear to me - you prefer your ds's ex and her family. You are disappointed on his current gf because she does not meet your expectations on how she should act. You, despite that you're son is still with her, thinks that she brings out the worse on him. You think she prefers your DH because she responds to him better. She acts differently around other people. The rest of the family dislikes her. You dislike her. Somehow, you feel sad despite your son's continuing to be in a relationship with her, maybe, probably because he is happy with her.
Damn, if I'm her I wouldn't even turn up to any of your family events, holiday, funeral etc. In fact, I would hide and run!!!! Salute to her for continuing to support your son and turning up to your events even though for sure she knows from the very begining with your fake efforts that you do not like her anyways. What a girl/lady! Deserves a medal.

Can you tell me what's wrong with preferring some people over others? It seems to me that liking some people and finding others difficult to get along with is perfectly normal.

Have you never been expected to work with a colleague you really don't like and can't learn to like? Have you never had a neighbour you've struggled to get along with? Have you never socialised in a group and found that you get on well with some people but not with others?

We all like and get on with different people. If you've worked with colleagues you do get on with and now you work with people you don't like, do you just suck it up and pretend everything's peachy or do you grumble about it?

Basically disliking or being disappointed in your mother in law is absolutely fine, if not positively encouraged, on Mumsnet.

But to dislike your prospective daughter in law is a heinous crime.

There does seem more hatred for DILs than SILs.