Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

@flipflopsalready

what, your husband has gone no contact with his mother because she kept asking you what was wrong?!

i agree with Mockingjay123.
Start off with - “ I don’t want to sound like I am interfering but I’m just a bit worried how your gf doesn’t seem to appear to be comfortable with us etc. She’s always welcome here We are just a bit worried about you.
If you are happy than I’m happy.”

I had a similar experience with my DS age 24. However, she was very controlling in the sense that she didn’t like him speaking to his female friends even on social media. He was under the thumb.
Myself and my DH always fine with her. (It was hard)
I told him - “ be your own person”
Thankfully he finished with her.
I know how you feel, but she may be extremely shy. Time will tell. In the meantime keep her close. 💐

I must agree! Would love to know more

@ReelingRoundtheFountain I have never heard of selective mutism or seen it explained as you have done, thank you so much. I am aware I have awful social anxiety, it has improved a bit over time but the thing about greeting being particularly high stress resonates so much - even now I tend to give an awkward smile and wave because I just can't seem to get the words out. I honestly can't express what it means to find other people struggle with this too - obviously I realise people find it difficult to hold conversations or chat but I have always felt so pathetic not even being able to say hello.

OP I'm someone else who definitely comes across as 'rude and ignorant' (DH's family have described me in this way multiple times over the years). I wish I could be different, I'm not an uncaring person and I don't want to offend them, but my anxiety level is through the roof around them and I just can't get words out. I don't know if it's the same for your son's partner, and I appreciate how hard it is for you too, but it really may not be intended on her part.

One of my worst memories is after MIL passed awaya few years ago, going round the next day to FIL's house. I was trying to manage tantruming toddler DS and was early stages of pregnancy which didn't help, but I just couldn't say anything, not hello, not sorry for your loss, nothing. I hated myself for it. BiL went mad shouting at me for being a rude ignorant cow, and I felt so awful. DH was so disappointed with me too.

FIL now comes round to ours at least a couple of times a week, I help out with his housework and cook for him, so it's not like i'm not familiar with him. I still find it impossible to say hello when he arrives, I don't understand why, the best i can do is grab my youngest and say look grandad is here. I'm in my 40s now but 20 years ago I was even worse.

It's hard for my DH me being like this and I know it really fustrates him. Even though he knows I don't mean to be rude and I am trying because I've explained it to him, he agrees with his family's comments. I wish he would stand up for me. I know it's hard for you OP but I admire your son for supporting his partner.

This thread could’ve probably been written by MIL. I’m incredibly introverted and awkward, grew up an only child with a single mum. I find my boyfriends huge (friendly) family very overwhelming and do admittedly become a bit mute at social occasions when they’re all there. I’m sure they’d describe me as cold and stand offish which is not my intention. Funerals are difficult occasions too and often people are weird around death and struggle to know what to say. I’d try not to worry too much yet and you may find she opens up over the years.

I'll bite and say what others may be thinking but not prepared to say.

Would any of us really want our precious sprog get involved with someone who was socially anxious and awkward? I've known quite a few people like that in my life (I'm getting old) and they don't seem to find life easy. I've known them struggle at work and socially. I've fairly recently dropped someone who never speaks in social situations from my social circle because I can't see much point in trying to build a meaningful relationship with someone who can't hold a conversation. I hope she'll find a better friend who doesn't mind the long silent evenings in the pub.

If my lovely nephew (I don't have a child of my own) was to get involved with someone who couldn't say hello or goodbye I'd be gutted, because someone incapable of demonstrating basic good manners is likely to struggle — and IME relationships with people who find life difficult are.... well, difficult and unrewarding.

So, OP, you have my sympathy and I would definitely share your concerns. Particularly as you say she doesn't bring out the best in your DS. One of the nicest things my late MIL said to me was that my partner had been so much happier since we got together. I think you have every reason to doubt whether this relationship is good for him. Lots of people in MN seem to have to go through an early, crap relationship before emerging older and wiser and choosing better second time around. Fingers crossed for you.

If this OP was about a daughter's boyfriend, I don't imagine for one minute that virtually every response would be to defend him and claim anxiety or introversion.

Why is it close to impossible for mumsnetters to accept that a woman can simply be unpleasant (particularly when her issue is with a MIL or boyfriend mother)?

I'm an introvert and was very shy in my early 20s, and I'm sure my in-laws initially found me very quiet. But I was never rude. Even if I found it hard to know what to say, I managed to smile, help with stuff around the house and generally be quietly pleasant. And after the kind of period of time that OP has gone through, I became significantly more relaxed and at home with them. We ended up loving each other very much.

I e avoided the issue so far with my son apart from once. He told me she thought I didn't like her. I then re-doubled my efforts and tried harder, to no avail.

We do see her without our wider family, have them for dinner, take them out.

You're a good girl for not driving a wedge.. they're lucky to have you.

When I was 23 I dated a guy who lived with his parents. I was so introverted and depressed at the time. I did not know how to talk to them AT ALL, although they initially seemed perfectly nice.

I would go to his house with him and not pop in and say hi, because I felt too awkward. I found out later that they thought I was very rude and bad for their son. What a crying shame-- little me just too shy to know how to chat normally and they thought I was being a standoffish cow.

They also thought I was not bringing out the best in him because I had suggested that at 27 he could move out, that he could change his job that he hated, that he could have more in life since he said he wasnt happy, smoked weed constantly etc. They had different views to me on all of that and they did not like me bringing up different ideas to him. From their pov I was leading him astray and causing friction. From mine, I was giving good advice.

I also want to say that people rarely believe I am shy, because when I am relaxed I seem strong and a bit firey. If I am comfortable I seem like a different person. But shyness and social anxiety has debilitated my life.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that there could always be another story. I am much older now and much more outgoing. People can change as they grow. I hope it works out in the end.

Do you think you could ask DS if she likes you all?

There may be something quite specific that is upsetting her and he may feel awkward raising it with you.

I preface this by saying it was a different situation and I’m sure this isn’t the issue, but by way of example only, there was an op about her MIL never complimenting that she looked nice. It seemed to really bother her - certainly enough she started a thread. There could be some blind spot in your interaction that she is getting upset by and that you could do easily fix if only you knew? It may give you the chance to adjust your approach because you do sound willing to adapt.

Abeona

"I'll bite and say what others may be thinking but not prepared to say.

Would any of us really want our precious sprog get involved with someone who was socially anxious and awkward? I've known quite a few people like that in my life (I'm getting old) and they don't seem to find life easy. I've known them struggle at work and socially. I've fairly recently dropped someone who never speaks in social situations from my social circle because I can't see much point in trying to build a meaningful relationship with someone who can't hold a conversation. I hope she'll find a better friend who doesn't mind the long silent evenings in the pub.

If my lovely nephew (I don't have a child of my own) was to get involved with someone who couldn't say hello or goodbye I'd be gutted, because someone incapable of demonstrating basic good manners is likely to struggle — and IME relationships with people who find life difficult are.... well, difficult and unrewarding.

So, OP, you have my sympathy and I would definitely share your concerns. Particularly as you say she doesn't bring out the best in your DS. One of the nicest things my late MIL said to me was that my partner had been so much happier since we got together. I think you have every reason to doubt whether this relationship is good for him. Lots of people in MN seem to have to go through an early, crap relationship before emerging older and wiser and choosing better second time around. Fingers crossed for you."

This is how I feel. Of course I have sympathy for anyone with social anxiety. But I'd love my ds to be with someone who can handle normal social situations and teach their kids to handle normal social situations. I want him to be with someone who can hold their own.

Have you ever spent alone time with her? I know you don't like her, but if there's something she enjoys, you could suggest a day out with her and your DD for some girl time? Maybe all go to a spa or something, and ask her about her life, upbringing, friendships etc. & open up about your own. Trade stories about silly things your DS has done. Just try to bond a bit.

(I know you've probably already had these conversations but often they happen on a surface level, I find if you really take an interest in a person they'll open up a bit more!)

The in-law relationship is a very weird one. They say “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your relatives” - but in reality, most of us at least start off with feeling some kinship towards our relatives, even if they make it difficult along the me way. With in-laws, they’re essentially foisted on you because someone you love loves them, and you can’t just avoid them as you might with friends-of-friends if you don’t like them.

All you can do is remember that you can’t make someone else’s choice for them. If it helps, I know from personal experience that this is true when you like the in-laws as well as when you don’t.

My family, me included, adored my cousin’s first serious partner, and vice versa. We’re a very close extended family, whereas she came from a very fractured home life. We were what she’d always wanted. When they split up, I think we were way more upset than my cousin was! She’d been in my life since I was 8; I saw her as family. Even years later, when my cousin’s first marriage broke down, my grandmother effectively told him off for “losing” Jenny and said he should have married her.

The reality was, HE had to choose. He wasn’t going to stay in a relationship where he wasn’t happy because we all loved his girlfriend. You can’t make someone else’s decisions for them. So even if your son had picked exactly the kind of partner you’d have chosen for him, there’s no guarantee it would last.

You just need to be open to what’s ahead and loving to your son. You may never bond with his partner in the way you’d like, but that’s beyond your control. What IS within your control is accepting his choice and navigating a path that works for you, even if it wasn’t what you wanted.

I’d actually be careful with this approach - esp asking about her upbringing etc. If she’s got it in her head op doesn’t like her, she might very well interpret that as a grilling.

I sympathise with you @ohthejoys21 ,since there's an army of armchair psychologists trying to barrack you into thinking she's a delicate butterfly, but I suspect you've been on here long enough to know that a general disdain for male partners' families is far more common than selective mutism.

Especially when the first thing your son would do, if that were the case, would be to explain it to you?

It pains me to see the extent to which posters have shamelessly gaslit you on here - as if their bullshit diagnosis is real.

Thank you all so much for your advice, I'm going to re-read and take as much away from it as I can. I think most people's basic wish would be a DIL who feels relaxed with the family. We had a good, easy relationship with his first girlfriend.

Funerals and knowing what to say (or managing to say it even if you “know”) are really hard. “Sorry for your loss” sounds so stilted and I worry (as an anxious person) that it sounds fake and generic. To be honest, even after losing my brother (who I was very close to) I find it really hard to speak in this situation. Obviously I’m not saying that means she’s actually lovely, but please do try not to judge from this 😬

If she has SM then anything exposing or personal is high communication load. So is taking her off on a one to one for a meal. Too high pressure. It has to be low key, at least initially.

The best way to build rapport is as I described earlier - chat away and act as if the lack of responding doesn't bother you. More specifically, ask for help in something she is better at than you are. For example "I love your nail varnish/make up/ hairstyle /painting technique could you show me how you do it?" Or "I don't know how to make a cake as light and fluffy as this; would you be able to give me the recipe or any tips?" With my clients we use a lot of gaming (eg show me how to build a house in Minecraft) but she's probably too old for that.

That might tell you OP if she would like yo find a way in but doesn't know how, or if she really is just being rude.

Thank you and of course you're right, but I tend to ignore those posts. Yes I'm sure as you say my ds would have mentioned it before we had met her if she was mute. Not everything can be explained by anxiety, sometimes behaviour is obviously rude.

Many people here have genuinely tried to advise though, and I'm really grateful.

Or indeed actual psychologists with many years experience in social anxiety and selective mutism.....

Just because you don't like her, it doesn't mean he's making a bad decision, OP. And there seems also to be a massive assumption that they will choose to have children - who knows? He is growing up and therefore away from his parents - this is completely normal.

If you're from a small quiet family, being around a large noisy family can be totally overwhelming.
I'm not sure if she is rude or not, its hard to tell.
I think the advise to continue being pleasant, breezy, open and just continue the chatter even if it is one sided, as you said your DH does. Maybe she likes him because the pressure is off her conversationally.

I’m afraid I do agree that there is a variety of DIL who just decides her DH’s family - esp her MIL - are always in the wrong.

There are so many bizarre comments made about MIL being “ jealous I’ve stolen her DS” etc - all of which tends to make he think it’s exactly what she set out to do: torch off his family so her control is greater… or something weird. There are also plenty of DILs who just refuse to fit in with family tradition and ways of doing things when they join the family simply for the basic fact of asserting themselves ( though of course it is the MIL “ asserting” her 30 year tradition of family Christmases etc.” )

Most mums just want their DS to be happy.; I don’t think they see that as stealing him at all.

Well if we're going go making things up, my years as chair of the psychologists' ethics board showed me that reaching for an uninformed diagnosis via limited third party accounts of pretty common but shitty behaviour is not how actual psychologists behave.

Of course you're free to DM the OP with your licensing details and accept the complaint to your regulatory body.