Anyone else quietly disappointed in their adult child's choice of partner?

[ohthejoys21]

To state the obvious as ds is in his early 20's, I'm well aware it's not my business and his life.

But he's made his long term choice (intends to commit to her as soon as able) and despite not being depressed and having a full life, I feel like I'm carrying around this sadness.

No one in my family likes her. Even dd who loves everyone, She's rude and cold to us. Of course by now I'm sure she can sense we don't like her but we all made such an effort for so long. Never says hello/bye when she's here. My mother's brother died, she came round after the funeral and didn't even say hello to my mother. Generally brings out the worst in ds.

We can't say anything to him can we or we'll lose him. Not sure what I'm looking for here.. when I say I've tried, I really have. It's just awful and I'm so sad.

I neither said nor suggested that the whole family's feeling of dislike for this woman was neither here nor there. Conversely, it seems to me entirely relevant.

What I suggested was that the fact that this has now become cemeted as the position doesn't necessarily endorse that position. There are such things as scapegoats. It's also not unheard of for families to band together in a clique when they've decided someone doesn't fit their exacting patterns of respectability.

I saw this done to an aunt by my father's fairly extensive family. She was the wife of the elder brother. The other siblings and their partners were very condescending to her, as was my grandfather. To me, she was always a perfectly kind and friendly woman, and her neighbours and other nephews and nieces seemed to be of a similar view.

Has your son got any siblings that could have a frank conversation with him?

My brother was dating an awful woman. She was loud, rude and crude. My sister had a conversation with him and said that we found her difficult to get to know but if she was 'the one' we'd make more of an effort to get to know her... but if she wasn't the one we didn't want to spend any more time with her as we found her rude, loud and crude.

He finished with her. And we all breathed a sigh of relief. His next girlfriend was wonderful and is now his wife. He's glad we intervened as otherwise he'd never have met his wife.

@Kelly51 It's not unpleasant but I struggle when a grown woman only wants to talk about the colour of her nail varnish. It is hardly scintillating conversation.

Too much to bear is a strong reaction. Maybe she isn’t a huggy person and felt awkward. Who knows. But she turned up to support your son in her own way. I do think your love for your son is making you a little harsh on her - only from what you’ve said - we don’t know really.

She might just be a horrible person.

My brother was in a very difficult relationship for a while - we could all see she was horrible but ultimately all we could do was continue to maintain the relationship because otherwise we would have lost him altogether. In the end it turned out she was abusing him (coercive control) and he did say once out of it he wished we’d said something but also recognises that we couldn’t really because he wouldn’t have been in a place to hear it.

But equally, early 20s is still very young & she might well improve with age, maturity & familiarity. Again, all you can do is stick with it & do what you can to maintain the relationship. My grandmother hated my dad for years, said she just didn’t think he was ‘The one’ for my mum. But in her last years he was her absolute favourite person - it just took them many years to really build the relationship.

"What I suggested was that the fact that this has now become cemeted as the position doesn't necessarily endorse that position. There are such things as scapegoats. It's also not unheard of for families to band together in a clique when they've decided someone doesn't fit their exacting patterns of respectability."

Respectability? Where have I used that word? All we are asking for after being kind, warm and polite is a little engagement, a little conversation. I don't want or need a scapegoat, I would just like at least the minimum effort of hello/goodbye in my own home. Too much?

She might just be a horrible person.

We all might. That would largely depend on who you asked.

Your potential daughter in law is not you. Neither is your son.

My daughter's partner was quite aloof with me for years and years. Even after we all lived in the same home, they still were somewhat aloof.

I just kept my opinion and feelings to myself. My daughter and her partner were separate from me, and so wanted/ needed different things from the things I might want from a partnership.

After over 20 years, I think me and daughters partner have reached a mutual understanding. They now know, and more importantly feel, I will never ever interfere in their it relationship in word or deed.

we now have quite a comfortable carry on. They know I love my daughter unconditionally but will never interfere in their relationship. And I know my daughter's partner bears me no I'll will. They've just had a different experience of life to me, and sometimes that means we behave/react in different ways to the same situation.

No she didn't turn up to support anyone, it just suited her to come round at that time. I'm not a hugger either, just a "sorry for your loss" or nod, or hello, or anything to my mum I would have expected

This is incredibly risky and imo terrible advice.

You have everything to lose (your son) and she has nothing to lose if she isn’t bothered about a relationship with you.

Do you also think so little of your son’s capabilities of picking a nice partner?

Just keep your beak out OP, or you may lose you son forever

My dd doesn't want to say anything to him as she thinks he'll say something to her and she doesn't want to make it worse.. neither do I.

So it wasn’t a funeral? Why would she bring it up then? Maybe she thought she shouldn’t? Presumably your son invited her round she didn’t just turn up. It was important to you but this does seem like you are judging her quite harshly

It was just after the funeral when we had got home. Yes my uncle died, it wouldn't take a lot of empathy to realise it was important to us.

It would surely be normal to say 'sorry for your loss' or even 'hello'?

I believe you have said that she is of a different religion to you.

Your basic objection here seems to be that she doesn't know funeral etiquette for your religion.

Yes, when attending a ritual to mark a death people do express their condolences and support for the family.

Would you know what is appropriate to say to which members of the family at an Islamic or Buddhist or Jewish funeral? I wouldn't and I would say the minimum possible to avoid causing offence.

We have to assume she wasn’t tying to piss any of you off. Had she ever met him? Was your mum surrounded by other people? She felt awkward? Didnt want to say the wrong thing and missed her chance? Who knows. Lots of possible reasons - you have decided the worst of her.

Oh I feel very torn here. I think of myself in in my 20s, first married. I was so intimidated by by FIL, MiL and SIL. They were very affluent, high achievers and had a much more outgoing attitude than my rather strange, introverted and bookish family. I just couldn’t relate and yes, I just didn’t know what to say when FIL died so said nothing. I still feel guilty. When I remarried in my thirties, none of this was a problem. I had the confidence to relate to the ILs and find their many good points, though again they were very different. Now I have experience of being the MIL and it is difficult at times finding the love in my heart for the stranger brought into the family. Why would it be easy? I just think attributing motives to others is always likely to be wide of the mark. We don’t know our own motives a lot of the time so how can we know what is in another’s mind?

Of course it would.
You're not wrong in my opinion.
She appears to have no interest in being a part of your family.
Only she can know why.
I agree with attempting to continue to be the good guy in this.
If your son is only early 20s that’s pretty young nowadays to settle down. Of course many people find the right one at his age but many end up with someone totally different in 5 years time.

"Your basic objection here seems to be that she doesn't know funeral etiquette for your religion."

Wrong. 'Sorry for your loss' or some expression of sympathy is surely universal?

Have you considered that she might just find socializing with all of your family overwhelming, especially if she is a bit shy and introverted?

Have you tried to socialize with her outside of big family events?

Have you brought any of this up with your son and told him that you’d like to have a closer relationship with his partner and get to know her better?

She might not be who you envisioned for your son but that doesn’t mean that you can’t grow to like one another and get along better. Perhaps you need to change how you spend time together. Or maybe she is just young and you’re expecting too much from her.

I feel like you could almost be describing me. In our case it’s partly an nt/nd barrier - I feel incredibly socially awkward around my ils. I’m a completely different person with my own people.

But a big part of it is the simmering judgement. I’m sure my mil believes she hides her dislike of me, but she really doesn’t. And it’s even more obvious with other members of her wider family or her friends. After nearly two decades she’s resigned herself to our marriage.

There have been many times when I could have had subtly driven a wedge between dh and his family but I won’t. I have a strong commitment to family, and do my best to facilitate dh and my dc having good relationships. But it takes a toll. Sometimes after an extended period with them I’ve gone into shutdown which is quite a scary thing.

The thing that’s baffling is that dh is so obviously and palpably happy, that you’d think that counted for something.

You say she’s rude. But she doesn’t sound rude. She responds to your questions. She just sits quietly and doesn’t speak to anyone. That isn’t rude at all.
In fact you could be describing me at a similar age with my inlaws. I’m just incredibly socially awkward and can’t make conversation. I’m much better now I’m 20 years older but at the time I’m pretty sure my inlaws hated me. Luckily they kept being kind and polite and we have a good relationship.
Don’t push your son away by being anything other than lovely to her because if he’s picked her and they have kids you’ll lose them all

I think you are focusing too much on the funeral thing. People are extremely awkward around death, shy people even more so. Add to that, it was her boyfriend's great uncle, which is not a close relative.

Give her time. You may come to realise that she is a very kind and generous person. Your assumptions of politeness and rudeness may be totally different. I'm sure that you have done things that she has felt are rude or impolite, that's what happens when an outsider comes into a family. One person's polite behaviour (giving space and quiet) is another person's rudeness.

@flipflopsalready you sound utterly repulsive and horribly controlling. Your poor husband.

It might get better,

My parents refused to meet my DH initially, they were not keen at all. But now my dad and him are best buds and have man nights out together 😂 i know my mum likes him as they joke with eachother a lot now but she will never admit it 😅 and still asks whens a divorce...but she doesn't like any man..she is even derogatory about my dad and they have been together since pretty young.

With my DH parents i didnt get off to the best foot. They are very harsh..like rude and snappy and i can be shy initially so got offended, (they yell a lot, and having someone you don't yet know yell at you is pretty intense) over the years i understood that there is no malice its just how they are, and there is no discrimination 😂 they snap at everyone. They also made an effort with me a bit of give and take on social styles. So we all get on great now. I actually do look forward to seeing them. (Esp now i know its not personal 😂)

Time will tell, but in all honesty one sided efforts never work. My DH did support us all alot in building relationships. He was the key tbh. Can your son explain how to navigate his partner? Or where the issue might lie?