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Original poster

Long term affair

271 replies

shitshow1976 · 10/05/2024 11:58

I'm completely expecting to be roasted here. I'm a long term member. Have changed my username.

Approx 15 months ago I started to talk to a guy at work. He offered me his number as I was bringing eggs in from my chickens and he wanted a regular supply from me.
We started messaging/talking daily.
He was fully open about the fact he is married. 2 teenage kids. Things progressed a little. We realised we liked each other. I was very attracted to him but he was off limits being married.

Openly told me he has cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout their 20 year marriage. Mainly one night stands. Several a year. Stayed together for kids sake (1 is epileptic and needs lots of support), don't have sex anymore, live very separately etc (usual script I guess).
This was all new to me. I've never cheated on anyone.

He asked to meet me for sex, I initially turned him down despite me being single.
At that point I hadn't had sex for quite a while and was flattered he wanted to meet me. He's very handsome, fit and well liked/respected in his work. I felt bad for his wife but began thinking that if I turned him down he'd move on to his next one.

I met him. We slept together and have since met weekly for over a year.
We meet during the day for dog walks. We go on dates. Have weekly sex.

I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife. I've looked her up on FB. She's seems/looks nice. Its clear they lead seperate lives.
He's very respectful when talking about her. States she's a good mum etc.
He's always been open and honest, states he's only ever had one night stands. Wife is apparently aware of his behaviour.
Reckons he hasn't ever done this before. States he's fallen in love with me, seems genuine.

Has started making plans to leave his wife. Has found somewhere to live. Can see us having a future together....

I feel bad for his wife. He says he would have separated eventually and thinks meeting me was the kick up the arse he needed.
Not sure what I'm wanting by posting this. Advice? Words of wisdom?

The sex is amazing. Different level.
He's kind, funny, thoughtful. Makes me feel safe and protected (been in a horrible DV relationship prior to this).

I can't imagine ever being able to trust him. Any advice?

OP posts:
yhk · 10/05/2024 12:04

Yeah well he's already shown his true colours, hasn't he.

When he gets bored of you he'll be having his one night stands. How would you feel about that?

If he was a decent man he would've divorced his wife a long time ago.

category12 · 10/05/2024 12:09

I can't imagine ever being able to trust him.

That's the problem right there, tho. Being with someone you can't trust eats away at you.

With your history of being in an abusive relationship, it might be that he seemed a "safe" option being married, because of the unavailability and being on best behaviour (in terms of romantic/dating activity not morally) when he's with you. It might feel different if he's free to be with you.

Dadjoke007 · 10/05/2024 12:13

My ex wife and I stayed together longer than we should have done because it was comfy and suited us, no serious compelling reason to leave, just built up and eventually something broke. This could be that trigger for him - why leave a nice woman and family for nothing. But if someone turns him....

Yes, the fact he has cheated would worry me if I was you - would he get bored 2 years down the line but it sounds like he is missing the sex out of their relationship. If sex is good then maybe its fine between you two.

If you genuinely can see a future between you two then go for it! People ultimately have affairs as something is missing in their marriage, if its solid then you should have nothing to fear!

rainbow616 · 10/05/2024 12:15

He probably won't ever leave his wife. Even if he does, you've already said you can't trust him. You'll constantly be paranoid about him going out and questioning him. Just give it up now. You said you've been in an abusive relationship, try and find someone else who doesn't cheat. Even if his wife does know, she might be scared to leave him and will except anything!

Didimum · 10/05/2024 12:17

How is it clear from Facebook that they lead separate lives?

Dery · 10/05/2024 12:21

Well you can’t trust him, can you?

He has almost certainly lied to you about the extent of his intimacy with her. He’s abusing her with his repeated infidelity. This is not a man to plan a future with. He lies and cheats (which is abusive) and you have been a party to his lying and cheating on his wife. He uses his good looks to get women into bed. He hasn’t reformed for the mother of his children. Why would he treat you better than he treats her? Why do you think he should treat you better than he treats her? You’re not more special than she is. He’s just a different type of abuser. Walk away.

Original poster
shitshow1976 · 10/05/2024 12:22

Thanks guys. Appreciate your replies and honest opinions.
I was with my ex for many years and he was abusive throughout. Hospitalised several times. I have no concept of what a normal relationship is anymore.

Dad, the sex is a big thing for him. Massive sex drive. States his wife stopped sleeping with him after the kids were born hence all the one night stands. He seems more than happy with our sex life.

My head is a mess. His poor wife.

OP posts:
MissJoGrant · 10/05/2024 12:23

My opinion is different to most on here, I suspect.
Cheating is obviously wrong, of course. However, I think sometimes people are in marriages where they're not happy but maybe it's not horrible enough that to split up. So they (in this case your AP) bumble on through the years thinking 'well I guess I've settled here/don't want to upset the kids etc'.

Then, almost inevitably, they meet someone they actually do like and maybe they fall in love. At that point, because they didn't leave earlier (during the bumbling years) they will always be seen as the bad person in the split.

But people can be happy, despite these beginnings. They can go on to have lovely, long-lasting relationships. They have this second chance. A new relationship in which they don't cheat because they don't want to cheat. They're happy (no more bumbling).

So, loads will be on here to tell you 'once a cheater always a cheater' and 'he's shown you what he is' and 'he'll get bored and move on'. And who knows? Maybe they're right - I don't know either of you.

But neither do they (posters on here).

Looks like you're in a position where you can take a chance (you aren't leaving your own partner/kids for example which would add a lot more heartache obviously!). All relationships are taking a chance.

It could work, OP.
Best of luck to you.

Dery · 10/05/2024 12:23

He may well be lying about his sex life with his wife. If he isn’t, then he should ask his wife if he can openly date other women since she won’t be sexually intimate with him.

Olika · 10/05/2024 12:26

Your possible future relationship with him will end just like it started - him cheating.

YouAreLiveOnTelevisionPleaseDoNotSwear · 10/05/2024 12:29

'I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife'

No, to put it blatantly, you don't give a shit about his 'poor fucking wife' as you keep opening your legs for a married man.

isthesolution · 10/05/2024 12:29

He has made it VERY clear how he treats women, even the one he loved enough to marry. If you are happy to be treated that way then go for it. But please don't think someone who has been cheating for 20 years or more is suddenly going to stop.

Muffin101 · 10/05/2024 12:29

You were flattered?! Why? You are clearly just one in a long line, he’s an absolutely morally-devoid scumbag. And, as always with these posts, you’re a fool if you believe anything he says about being distant from his wife, or not physical, or that ‘the marriage has been over for years’/‘I’m just staying for the kids’ etc.
He treats the mother of his children, the woman he chose to marry, terribly. You’re not special, he won’t treat you better, I promise you that.

OnarealhorseIride · 10/05/2024 12:29

He is a shagger. Once a shagger always a shagger.

Original poster
shitshow1976 · 10/05/2024 12:30

Thanks Missjogrant.

I'm massively attracted to him because he makes me feel so safe.
Our job is volatile and dangerous at times.
I know I'll never come to any harm whilst he's around, he's so protective of me. What a mess.....

OP posts:
SamW98 · 10/05/2024 12:32

YouAreLiveOnTelevisionPleaseDoNotSwear · 10/05/2024 12:29

'I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife'

No, to put it blatantly, you don't give a shit about his 'poor fucking wife' as you keep opening your legs for a married man.

Absolutely this. His poor wife indeed but save the nauseating faux naive sympathy act, it doesn’t wash.
You wasn’t feeling guilty having sex with this lying cheating scumbag behind her back the past year.

Of course he’ll cheat on you - you’re probably not the only one anyway. And don’t believe his ‘I’ve never done this before you’re special’ BS. It’s the script. He’s not even trying to be original.

Men like him don’t change - they’re out for what they can get. If you really want a future with a man where you’re constantly wondering where he’s with and who with them crack on but I’d suggest you get therapy instead.

Mayhemmumma · 10/05/2024 12:33

Makes me feel 'safe and protected (been in a horrible DV relationship prior to this).

This is the problem. He has preyed on someone vulnerable.

He is also abusing you but in a different way.

TheIceQween · 10/05/2024 12:35

I’ve been in this position. Exactly the same… guess the ending

dutysuite · 10/05/2024 12:35

I know someone who has been in a long term affair, she was told he would leave his wife, and said they didn’t have sex anymore. My friend ended up having a child with this man and that child will be 18 this year, and he still hasn’t left his wife, he even had another child with his wife so was lying about not sleeping with her. The whole thing is messy and has caused so much hurt for so many people. I’d run a mile if I were you.

YouAreLiveOnTelevisionPleaseDoNotSwear · 10/05/2024 12:35

shitshow1976 · 10/05/2024 12:30

Thanks Missjogrant.

I'm massively attracted to him because he makes me feel so safe.
Our job is volatile and dangerous at times.
I know I'll never come to any harm whilst he's around, he's so protective of me. What a mess.....

Aye okay 😂

Mybusyday · 10/05/2024 12:37

MissJoGrant · 10/05/2024 12:23

My opinion is different to most on here, I suspect.
Cheating is obviously wrong, of course. However, I think sometimes people are in marriages where they're not happy but maybe it's not horrible enough that to split up. So they (in this case your AP) bumble on through the years thinking 'well I guess I've settled here/don't want to upset the kids etc'.

Then, almost inevitably, they meet someone they actually do like and maybe they fall in love. At that point, because they didn't leave earlier (during the bumbling years) they will always be seen as the bad person in the split.

But people can be happy, despite these beginnings. They can go on to have lovely, long-lasting relationships. They have this second chance. A new relationship in which they don't cheat because they don't want to cheat. They're happy (no more bumbling).

So, loads will be on here to tell you 'once a cheater always a cheater' and 'he's shown you what he is' and 'he'll get bored and move on'. And who knows? Maybe they're right - I don't know either of you.

But neither do they (posters on here).

Looks like you're in a position where you can take a chance (you aren't leaving your own partner/kids for example which would add a lot more heartache obviously!). All relationships are taking a chance.

It could work, OP.
Best of luck to you.

Totally agree with this

Original poster
shitshow1976 · 10/05/2024 12:38

Youarelive

Thanks for your valuable input 😊

OP posts:
mountaingoatsarehairy · 10/05/2024 12:41

I mean it does sound like he is taking advantage of you as you have poor boundaries and are obv much more in love with him than he is with you.

maybe head over to the step parents board and have a read there. That might dampen your enthusiasm

Liv999 · 10/05/2024 12:42

YouAreLiveOnTelevisionPleaseDoNotSwear · 10/05/2024 12:29

'I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife'

No, to put it blatantly, you don't give a shit about his 'poor fucking wife' as you keep opening your legs for a married man.

This

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/05/2024 12:42

I'm sorry but you are deluding yourself here.

He's a shit of a man. How safe will you feel when his wife finds out, when your colleagues know, when your called a homewrecker etc?

Don't you want more than just being someone's side piece? He's better than youe ex but that wouldn't be hard. It doesn't mean it's a good choice.