Long term affair

[shitshow1976]

I'm completely expecting to be roasted here. I'm a long term member. Have changed my username.

Approx 15 months ago I started to talk to a guy at work. He offered me his number as I was bringing eggs in from my chickens and he wanted a regular supply from me.
We started messaging/talking daily.
He was fully open about the fact he is married. 2 teenage kids. Things progressed a little. We realised we liked each other. I was very attracted to him but he was off limits being married.

Openly told me he has cheated on his wife repeatedly throughout their 20 year marriage. Mainly one night stands. Several a year. Stayed together for kids sake (1 is epileptic and needs lots of support), don't have sex anymore, live very separately etc (usual script I guess).
This was all new to me. I've never cheated on anyone.

He asked to meet me for sex, I initially turned him down despite me being single.
At that point I hadn't had sex for quite a while and was flattered he wanted to meet me. He's very handsome, fit and well liked/respected in his work. I felt bad for his wife but began thinking that if I turned him down he'd move on to his next one.

I met him. We slept together and have since met weekly for over a year.
We meet during the day for dog walks. We go on dates. Have weekly sex.

I feel fucking terribly guilty about his wife. I've looked her up on FB. She's seems/looks nice. Its clear they lead seperate lives.
He's very respectful when talking about her. States she's a good mum etc.
He's always been open and honest, states he's only ever had one night stands. Wife is apparently aware of his behaviour.
Reckons he hasn't ever done this before. States he's fallen in love with me, seems genuine.

Has started making plans to leave his wife. Has found somewhere to live. Can see us having a future together....

I feel bad for his wife. He says he would have separated eventually and thinks meeting me was the kick up the arse he needed.
Not sure what I'm wanting by posting this. Advice? Words of wisdom?

The sex is amazing. Different level.
He's kind, funny, thoughtful. Makes me feel safe and protected (been in a horrible DV relationship prior to this).

I can't imagine ever being able to trust him. Any advice?

There's an old polish proverb I heard once: why do you keep crying out in pain as you strike me?

The 'don't be angry at the woman' story is old news. If the affair woman is aware of the situation, it makes her a bottom of the barrel type of person.

Exactly. He’s one too obviously, but totally agree.

Haha keep telling yourself that

My guess is police officers

Im one too.

if I’m right I wish I had your energy for all that sex, I’m worn out!

The sex is amazing. Different level.

That's because it's off bounds, as soon as he leaves his wife it'll get samey and normal

Agree. I’m such a girls girl and sisterhood is essential to me. Of course we’ve all had plenty of offers from married men over the years but decent women put themselves in the cheated wives shoes and know how it would feel so refuse to entertain the cheat. To me it really is that black and white

You say you feel bad for his 'poor wife' yet that hasn't stopped you shagging her husband just because you're attracted him. You bemoan his lack of morals but what about yours? You only have his word about the state of his marriage so I wouldn't take that as gospel! If he leaves his wife for you, you will then be in the position of knowing he's a cheater and wondering if he's cheating on you. I'd have a really good think about that before you go any further in this relationship.

I don’t think I’m giving false hope but I feel you and I are giving the same advice but from a different perspective.
Hes no good as a long term partner for sure because he is a man that can decieve and lie with no problem and justify it to himself ( and to the OP) .
24 months OP.

Or just doesn't put up with this misogynistic clap trap from other women.

Where is he in this 'pile of morals' which you're blethering on about, hmm? Where does this married man with a disabled child and a wife at home factor in your so-called 'ethics' for him to fuck another woman?

My @ thing is switched off so if I don't bother to reply that could be it. Or that I just cannot be bothered with your lack of thinking.

What if you have any gyno issues? And cant have sex? Dont think you are enough for him.. believe me..youre not. No one will be.

I wanted to add that, wrongly or rightly, many marriages do begin as affairs. Far more than we know, probably, as they don't start telling others until they've been married for years and nobody cares how they met.

In your case, though, it would be unwise. You're aware of his massive, glaring fault and you'd be starting from a reasonable position of mistrust. You'd never feel secure when he was late or absent, even on his phone too much. You aren't even in love with him, he's just filling a few gaps in your life.

This is no way to start. You feel bad about being part of the hurt this will cause to his wife and kids - and how old are the kids? Will you have to step-parent children who blame you for their family breakdown? It's very much as if you're thinking you may as well go forward with him because there's not much else at the moment.

Since your previous relationship was so ghastly, it's extremely likely that something less-worse feels good. It isn't. You deserve a life free of negative feelings, and this won't deliver. In all honesty, your ambivalence will affect the relationship and he's liable to wander off again because of it.

After your breakup, did you do therapy and/or the Freedom Programme? I strongly recommend both, to help reset your relationship expectations.

Well done for posting.

What utter bullshit.

Decent behaviour that generally doesn't have the potential to cause life long damage to another human, is something most people try to achieve throughout their life irrelevant of gender.

He isn't posting here. She is.

She is responsible for the decisions she is making. Those decisions have the potential to cause huge amount amount of harm to people outside of her and her shag partner.

It really has nothing to do with what they have between their legs. They are as vile as each other.

This sounds like the usual Friday night mumsnet post designed to get folk agitated. Surely no woman would be so insensitive to post expecting what? Or even stupid to believe a man like this?

Bluntly put, but so true.

I don't doubt that OP feels some remorse, and she has accepted she will get shit for posting this thread, but ultimately she has put her needs/desires above any feelings for his wife.

Your moral compass is definitely broken.

I could never knowingly be with a married man, even one who is separated/living apart. When I did online dating I was very vigilant for signs of a man being married and even put it on my profile that Married men shouldn’t even bother, I’m sure it didn’t deter all of them lol but I tried my best to root out any.

It’s sad to me that a woman can know someone is married and get with them anyway. The married man is more at fault yes and I must say I find it odd that people who have remained with their cheating husbands are having a go at the OP. I wonder if it’s projection and maybe they should save that vim for their husbands …but still any woman who knowingly gets with a married man still carries part of the blame.

I mean this seriously, but if you have money I suggest you do some intensive therapy to get to the bottom of why you stooped to this.I mean being flattered by a married man wanting to have sex with you sounds like your self esteem is at rock bottom. I’d take it as insult a married man hit on me, I’d be thinking um do I come across like a cheap side piece who would be willing to be complicit in adultery?

the way you got him will be the way you loose him.

also omg lol, he’s never leaving her he will keep stringing u along.

A cheating cop (?)

How terribly unusual.

That's pretty much par for the course.

And typical that it's with a colleague too.

If it's paramedics ...(the only other thing I can think of that seems to meet your description); I have no idea if they're as bad as cops (is anyone as bad, other than the military?) but he's a serial cheater.

The cheater script 101 includes several of your bingo points;

• No longer having sex, sleep separately.

• She knows he has sex with other people and doesn't care.

• Only together for the kids.

• Any cheating he did was just meaningless casual one night stands, not like with you.

These lines are older than the pyramids and often BS.

Maybe he will leave, because he's had enough of pretending to gaf about his kids/the hassle of his family life.

You'll be getting someone you know is a serial cheater though ...and clearly fairly effective at picking up women.

The sex is good because you're in the honeymoon period and because it's illicit and special and stolen moments. See how it is after two years living together, with nothing illicit. I'd put reasonable money he'll be out pulling again.

You were very vulnerable coming out of a long abusive relationship.

Nothing could be clearer from your first choice of partner after it.

Yes

He's kind

He's not kind or he wouldn't be fucking around on his wife repeatedly, he'd just have left and set up a decent co parenting arrangement.

I don't think I believe that she knows and is ok with it.

He also wouldn't be making a woman who's out of an abusive relationship into his side piece/illicit partner. . before he's separated let alone divorced.

None of that is the hall mark of a kind person.

@shitshow1976 affairs destroy a lot of women … you’ve only got to read the daily posts on here and how much it fucks the loving betrayed partner up for years and years! In most extreme cases there has been suicide. He’s more wrong than you as his responsibility should be to his family and not the needs of his penis but you are not right either. Walk away before you become that woman …

Then stop ...,

Mentionitis and you've fallen for him, despite you're protestations that you havn't.
Nobody writes a post like this unless they're smitten.

Well you're probably on your own this evening whilst he's been with his family, who knows what that has entailed, a cosy takaway, watching a film together, maybe bath time for the both of them, maybe they are cuddled up together at this moment in bed. The thing is you really have no idea, you only have his word for whatever goes on in his home, their home.

Now apparantly he is telling you he is leaving, have you seen his new home ? because I would say after over a year of getting unconditional sex on the side he probably thinks you may need a little hope thrown your way, otherwise the adoration he gets from you may start to wane. He obviously thinks you have some self esteem otherwise he wouldn't have thrown you this bone, he can keep you dangling for a bit longer I should imagine

He has chosen you especially because you are weak and easily influenced, your ego has trounced your morals and that has suited him fine, he has manipulated you into thinking it's quite alright to sleep with a married man, that it shouldn't affect your confidence or concience but this will affect you at some point. He has taken away your integrity as a human.
It's a bit late now really to show remorse but maybe this confession is the beggining of you understanding that maybe you have been used, even if you end up together the beggining of your relationship will always be painful for you to look at, there will be lies to yourself and others to conceal your abusive behaviour in this.

I don't know why you have posted really and what the point is, maybe you will get together, the only pleasure others will get from reading this is how lucky eventually his wife and daughter will be if they get rid of this vile specimen.

You are idolising a false prophet, he really isn't a nice person, he's just a seedy guy who is promiscuous and you fell for it, you may think his wife is the mug but one day you will see she was not, it was you.

@shitshow1976, you’ve gone from one destructive relationship to another … from Shittyman 1 to Shittyman 2.

Shittyman 2, a serial cheat/liar, knows how to push your buttons with his sexual prowess, cliche Script phrases, and Protector mask. In no time you joined him in harming his devoted Wife, medically fragile Daughter, and her Sibling. You are an abused woman who has become complicit in the abuse of innocents.

You may have ‘a successful career, a beautiful home, a lovely family and as much sex as I need/want,’ but you are making morally bankrupt choices that suggest weakness and desperation.

@shitshow1976, use your agency and make better choices. Give
Shittyman 2 the heave ho and make intimate connections with single men only.